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46 replies

lovely psychiatrist turned evil yesterday!

M missdelMember
Had my appointment yesterday with the university psyche, he was horrible to me, completely cold and empty and aloof. I think I'm a narcissicist for thinking he liked me in our last appointment when he was so warm, almost loved up and friendly. He gave me weird looks throughout, looked down at me when i told him i study english and my sister is a doctor, and just made me feel so small. Ignored me as I got up to leave and just stared at his laptop as I said bye. He keeps probing about sex and why I'm not having it. I said I don't know what he means when he said why are you ashamed and he said 'what do you think it means' and 'however you understand it'. I feel sick with emptiness, it was the coldest hour ever

I'm paranoid he knows I like him, I'm sure he does, is he annoyed I won't say it, He said he wants me to commit to the therapy. I think I might not have been committing enough, I wasn't being specific enough about my life to him but thats because I'm not doing anything. He is very challenging and I felt too tired to articulate myself. I wasn't expecting him to withdraw his overt friendliness in out last session.

he asks about sex every session. im sure he knows i like him, he bluntly blurted out 'SEX' in this dirty cold way, eyebrows furrowed and I said 'what about it', and smiled. he said 'youre smiling so theres a thought, what is it' i just denied it as i couldnt talk about it. he keeps asking in an open ended way about sex like with the 'however you understand that' questions.

he asked is if i was embarrased to talk about sex, i said no no its fine. he said ' oh so you must have a great sex life' even though i told him ive only done it two times last time we saw eachother, and laughed when i said no after just saying i liked it. he asked 'why arent you having it', i said i dont think about it then said no i do, he said 'oh im sure you think about it aloot'. i dunno if he's trying to help me have sex more lol, i said i dont really feel like it, he asked why and weird open ended questions again. maybe he's trying to ensure i have a healthy sex life because i suffer from shyness and social anxiety?
i think i may get carried away in my thoughts and there have been alot of issues about my father resolved due to this, but he was SO lovely in our 4th, just insane, then yesterday it died. he might feel a need to withdraw so we can talk about it to help me, im going to try raising it next time, god save me.

he also said sounds like something a 9 yr old would say how old are you? when i said i was the favorite in our family without letting my elaborate, he was so mean lol
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B bltMember
Red flag Red flag

There are so many things that concern me here, I can hardly name them all. At the very least it sounds like you feel extremely uncomfortable with this person, and that alone would be enough reason to find a new psychiatrist. He sounds inconsistent and way too interested in your sex life. I just...I dunno. Do you have any other options?
N ninnMember
I can see a psychiatrist asking once a session about interest in sex/your sex life, as it revolves around medication he/she may be prescribing, but, as much as you are talking about here, personally, that sounds so 'wrong.' You sound so uncomfortable with it! Maybe I am missing some of the reason it is being brought up, but if it bothers you, I'd run and never look back.
M missdelMember
omg really? i may be giving only the sex part attention lol we also talked alot about my envy issues and other stuff too, but the sex thing is embarrasing me. he talked alot about my thoughts on feeling guilty and things, but he was patronising and callous with alot of think i said and jeering at me, saying his sanity rivalled my madness. he was nice at times but generally irked bizarrely. i dont know is hes trying to keep boundaries here, maybe i was too friendly without realising in our last app. he seemed to resent me. he has not raised giving me meds anytime i dont take anything. i have no options right now. but yes sex is always raised, is this not normal!?? lolol. im 21 maybe he thinks im weird for not doing it??
B bltMember
quote:
patronising and callous with alot of think i said and jeering at me, saying his sanity rivalled my madness


That sounds just awful. And whether or not to have sex at your age or any age is entirely your own choice. HE is the one who is being weird for bringing it up all the time.

He seems like he's making you feel worse and not better. Like Ninn said, if I were you I would run and not look back.
M missdelMember
quote:
Originally posted by BLT:
quote:
patronising and callous with alot of think i said and jeering at me, saying his sanity rivalled my madness


That sounds just awful. And whether or not to have sex at your age or any age is entirely your own choice. HE is the one who is being weird for bringing it up all the time.

He seems like he's making you feel worse and not better. Like Ninn said, if I were you I would run and not look back.


wow i had no idea, i thought he saw my transference last session and needed to back off? hmm i get paranoid that everyone else has sex all the time, is he not wanting to talk about transference to explore the issues? but yes he was grouchy yesterday, though i think im able to understand it enough to not be screwed up by it? i hope! i will see him in a months time and see, and yes, ask what the problem is if he continues!
jonesjonesMember
Hi Missdel,

Red flag
This situation really concerns me too. Have you ever said sex was one of your concerns, and something you want to work on with him? If not, there is no reason he should be persisting with this line of questioning. Even if you did say it was something you wanted to work on, I can't see any good reason for him to say 'oh I'm sure you think about it a lot'. It seems sleazy and suggestive to me and is bound to confuse you.

In any case, it sounds very much like you're not comfortable, and that makes it very difficult to get any proper healing done. Is there another psychologist at the university you can see? Or can you see someone off-campus? I know it's hard to sort the wheat from the chaff when you feel those crush feelings, but I'm guessing you have important issues you want to deal with and that's why you're seeing someone. You deserve to be able to do that work in an environment where you feel safe.

Take care,
Jones
M missdelMember
i talked about being parnoaid my father liked me at 7, but thats all. so thats where all the sex talk comes from i guess? i thought he's really bringing me to talk about it, and can tell i like him. he does seem to like having his ego boosted but he's still got professional and nice sides to him, so if i tell him im sure he will be secretly happy but wouldnt do anything lol.

thanks for advice, maybe its a little weird lol but i feel in control of this situation enough to get him? and yes i fancy the pants off of him, maybe i need to realise what would happen to my mental health if anything was to happen, cos i think im being too dreamy and stupiid right now
jonesjonesMember
Well, how is your mental health? What did you hope to resolve in therapy? And you called him a psychiatrist - are you seeing him for medications, counselling or both?

It's pretty normal to get a crush on drs/therapists/shrinks in these situations, it happens to heaps of people. But if they don't have good boundaries then things get very unpleasant. Anyone in that role who would take advantage of a client's crush is by definition not a nice person - not thinking of your best interests at all, and basically just using you. Fantasy is one thing and the reality is something else, with bad consequences in the real world, unfortunately.

Hope you can keep an eye out for yourself. It's not a compliment if he acts unprofessionally with you. It's a sign of his own weakness and lack of respect. You deserve better.
M missdelMember
my mental health is getting better but its true, why doesnt he ask about relationships with men and not sex??? he may be doing a good dad bad dad thing here to make me realise how i need to please men like my dad, but why focus on sex lol? i think he is being a bit cheeky isnt he! lol i cant believe it, its like i let him control the issues, but its always sex, not my behaviour around and choice of men, which ive just figured out is the issue!
starfishstarfishMember
I'm sorry to read about your sessions because it has obviously left you feeling really confused and he seems oblivious to your concerns. I saw a P once for a consultation and I swear you would have to section me to make me go back ...and yes, this man who I had never met was asking lots about sex and I felt mightily uncomfortable and vulnerable. My T and I have talked a bit about sex because it is very relevant to my past and present difficulties, but it is always on my terms in a gentle, caring and professional manner. It would be a big red flag for me if she did not do it in this way.

I hope that things can get sorted and you can bring this up with him and explain how it makes you feel.All the best with this,

starfishy
jonesjonesMember
quote:
I'm just being blunt here because therapists like this have a pattern. They are flattering, warm and seductive, but will turn off that charm, appearing very aloof, if they aren't getting what they want. It's a manipulation to make you question yourself about how you are treating him, which can make you become more compliant and more willing to do what he may ask. I'm not saying he will cross that line but his behavior is very alarming.


Spot on, Summer. This is a lot of what bothers me here. The inconsistency is a tactic that destabilises the client and can make them anxious and very hungry for more of the 'nice' therapist. I don't think I'd even recommend sticking around to talk this one through.
M missdelMember
wow summer this is really alarming me. are you sure this is the case? he does help me, but now im shocked by these suggestions and feel upset... im scared, oh god what do i do. i do feel so tempted by him and cant believe he would do this, as he only sees me once a month and hes been at his job for years, he cant have dont this to anyone else? why me!?? im aware he blushed at my smile on our third app and glanced at my hair on our 5th, i have 'beautiful' indian hair ugh so i know he might notice me in an attractive way. but i wouldnt think he would do this?????
forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
If it were me (and, well, I can be very forceful with stuff like this because I hate being played around with) I would ask him why he was so interested about sex? Relay it to him. Get it out of him. Tell him you feel uncomfortable.

I do understand that being honest like that is difficult for some.

But, um, I would either do that or run away from him like wildfire. Therapists needs to be emotionally centred. Doesn't sound like he is.
M missdelMember
thanks i will

i dont like to term it abuse or grooming, i believe that naming it such things as society does, makes the victims suffer more and feel more traumatized. i am very aware of his behavior and find it amusing that he is being pervy this does not mean i find such behavior funny, but i believe it can damage a victim so much more to see it in the evil sense. im very aware of how he acts lol, and im smart enough to see through it. a part of me wants people to tell me hes sexually grooming me because of my own lust, there are lots of factors at play here. either way, grooming me is not something i will let anyone tell me is what happened, i like to be in charge of my own story and not have others tell it. it can make things seem alot worse
M missdelMember
thanks summer and sorry for this experience

i would say im not happy about talking about it like this though, as its making alarm signs appear that might not be true. i was happy before seeing this is a silly behaviour of an old pervert, i dont want to label it and shockify it, its what society has labelled sexual abuse that makes victims suffer alot more, do you know how i mean?
starfishstarfishMember
quote:
this is a silly behaviour of an old pervert


I have to say to you that 'silly behavoiur from a pervert' managed to almost ruin my life. You know you and him best of course, but I cannot just read this and not say please, please be careful.

I agree some labels are damaging, but sometimes things are what they are and have to be said as such.

starfish
M missdelMember
i do believe that society and media ruin peoples lives, but yes bad evil abusers are not morally good at all and the effects should be thought out so no offence to anyone meant at all and not simplifying abuse effects. i want to come from a good place here and suggest he needs help and forgiveness, as long as im aware of how im seeing this situation, and yes stay safe. thank you!
sdsdMember
So MissDel - quite a few of us have indicated to you that we have concerns about your experiences with your P.

How are you feeling about this? Do you know what you are going to do or how you are going to manage the situation? You sound a bit shocked that a lot of people have concerns. Are you ok?
jonesjonesMember
Starrynights, I agree.

Summer, I think your comments were valuable and I thank you for them too.

Missdel, no one but your psychiatrist can know if he has bad intentions or not, but certainly it seems like there's a lot to be concerned about in what you describe. It may not be comfortable to think about that, but part of you is obviously already concerned or you wouldn't have posted this thread. Presumably you also wanted outside perspectives. I don't think anyone is telling you you have been sexually abused, but confirming that there are things that make this situation seem unsafe.

I'm not sure how to respond to the contradictions in what you're writing - "a part of me wants people to tell me hes sexually grooming me because of my own lust"... "grooming me is not something i will let anyone tell me is what happened". It seems like you have a lot of mixed feelings around this.

But all anyone can do is be honest. People write here out of their own experiences and what they've seen in reading a lot of other people's stories. It's considered advice. The psychiatrist might mean nothing by his actions; he might be just a silly old pervert; he might be grooming you. Any which way, his behaviour is troubling to you. If you were in therapy with a woman I'm guessing you'd be free of the stress of this situation and could figure it out in an environment which you could feel more safe in. That might be worth considering at the very least.
snsnMember
quote:
I cannot just read this and not say please, please be careful.

I agree some labels are damaging, but sometimes things are what they are and have to be said as such.


Amen!
Missdel, I'm relatively new to the therapy experience, so my words of caution come from a place of simple common sense, but many others here have been through numerous therapists and a variety of scenarios that we can only imagine, so I would urge you to ponder what they have cautioned you with, and realize that in playing games like what you've described is not only unprofessional but potentially predatory.

I too have had huge father-related transference issues with my beloved T, and for a brief time they could have been classified as erotic, but he held firm with his professional boundaries - thank heavens - and because of that, neither of us played games or have any regrets. Knowing what he does of my past, he could EASILY have taken advantage of me, but he respects me, respects his profession and the necessary boundaries, and is teaching me to respect myself. I didn't think I'd say this at the time, but... I'm grateful, and better off because of his professionalism and respectful behavior.

Best wishes,
Starry
M missdelMember
quote:
Originally posted by Summer:
Thanks Starry and Jones for understanding, but I began to feel that maybe I was projecting too much of my experience on missdel. It's still painful for me to think if my exP had done to me what he did to this former patient I probably wouldn't be around to know whether or not society labeled it as abuse.


wow its funny to see how much safer i feel now you said that. this is the effects of projection and people talk. thank you for your help, and for reassuring me lol. i am feeling unsettled now though! we can all learn alot from this too!
M missdelMember
quote:
Originally posted by Dragonfly:
I Think you are projecting the whole thing myself.i took the liberty to go back and read through your first posts here and i think its all in your head. you have a classic touch of erotic transference and think everything hes saying is about sex or wanting to bed you.
This is not a game you are playing here.people have been hurt by these things really happening to them.If you want to spend your time in therapy flirting with him, i dont think you can really kick up a storm when he does finally attack you.i seriously think you need to get a grip.but thats my opinion.you dont have to agree with it.

summer i wish you hasnt pulled your posts down. Frowner


maybe, but i have not flirted with him once. visibly i keep very hard boundaries but inside i have feelings. i was hurt and confused by his behavior and shocked and scared at peoples comments, causing me to put defences up, maybe causing you to call me a projector who shouldnt then kick up a storm when he abuses me, as if its my fault, as you phrase it. i can conclude i should look for safe boundaires and assume what i can from our next session. i dont think we can agree with anyones opinions, considering the amount of understanding that cannot be got from the insufficient knowledge that is given out about any of our stories clearly, which we are responsible for writing up. i guess forums are unhelpful in this way.
M missdelMember
quote:
Originally posted by Dragonfly:
im think you should look at your own behaviour as well as look at his.i cant say some of his comments exactly fill me with confidence.but you are equally blaze about the whole situation and loving it it seems.


i have no doubt i have transference which may blur my view and account of him, however i do not show it though in the session EVER as im too shy to so i know i havnt led him on in any way. it sounds like you dismiss me as a tarty seductress, but that is in my head and what you see lol, not in my behavior for him, which is why i give an account of his treatment and not so much my own. i worked hard on keeping the boundaries in our session as much as he if not more. this has helped me realise love's importance of safety and care for peoples wellbeing, not being used however, without having to go through it myself, so im v grateful for this thread and other people sharing their expeirences now!
M missdelMember
quote:
Originally posted by Dragonfly:
quote:
it sounds like you dismiss me as a tarty seductress, but that is in my head and what you see lol, n


I havent said that and i am sorry if thats what you think im inferring..obviously you dont need my advice so i wish you all the best.


i think its been good to debate and have so many opinions to provide so much breadth before making judgements so thanks! i did write my first post in hope to be enlightened about his meanness to understand why, not because i wanted to be told he was trying to seduce me, i was just shocked about his treatment and wondered if i should just talk about my feeligns for him and stop being annoying and uptight about it
jonesjonesMember
Hi Missdel,
I know it can feel like a shock to see things in a new light, but probably if you just gently consider this over time, thinking through the different angles, you'll realise you are still in control of your story (as much as any of us is). I don't think anyone is trying to freak you out for the sake of it, but to ask you to think through all the dangers and be cautious. I find it hard to imagine a situation where a professional would say 'I bet you think about sex a lot' in an appropriate way. So it's worth caution. That's all.

Maybe a bit of a shock here might not hurt in the long run - if you're able to then protect yourself better.
M missdelMember
quote:
Originally posted by Jones:
Hi Missdel,
I know it can feel like a shock to see things in a new light, but probably if you just gently consider this over time, thinking through the different angles, you'll realise you are still in control of your story (as much as any of us is). I don't think anyone is trying to freak you out for the sake of it, but to ask you to think through all the dangers and be cautious. I find it hard to imagine a situation where a professional would say 'I bet you think about sex a lot' in an appropriate way. So it's worth caution. That's all.

Maybe a bit of a shock here might not hurt in the long run - if you're able to then protect yourself better.


honestly ive gone on a rollercoaster in this thread, youve taught me that mutual care respect for a persons safety is love, not using them and the dangers of letting this happen, i hope you can find hope and trust in people who care for you and keep boundaries to keep you safe.

as for the sex comment, he said 'im sure' not 'i bet' lol, im hoping he meant it in a encouraging way that its okay to talk about it considering im so shy. but yes caution is the way now!
jonesjonesMember
quote:
honestly ive gone on a rollercoaster in this thread, youve taught me that mutual care respect for a persons safety is love, not using them and the dangers of letting this happen, i hope you can find hope and trust in people who care for you and keep boundaries to keep you safe.


So true, Missdel. Good on you for hanging in there and finding this perspective.
starfishstarfishMember
missdel,
Don't be ashamed of your feelings, there are what they are; just be aware of them and be careful who you discuss them with that they have your best interests at heart. This may well be your P but you need to explain to him how you are feeling, so he doesn't treat your feelings with anything but the care they deserve.

starfish
snsnMember

Missdel, regarding this:
quote:
what do i learn from this though. that sex needs to come with respect and care. am i screwed up about my sex stuff? i now feel ashamed of my sexual feelings, help!


When I thought about my own erotic transference and the sexual feelings I had at one point, I began to see that they weren't really about "sex." Without being too detailed, suffice it to say they were more symbolic about "us" and things relating to my past - old behaviors, etc. They were a reflection of and a venting of the depth of my feelings, but not actually lusting after him in the traditional sense.
Gracious, Embarrassed
I may have to go back and edit this, hehe.
At any rate, rather than feeling shame, consider what your feelings may represent, and please seriously consider if continuing therapy with thus T is truly for your best.

Blessings,
Starry (still blushing...!) Wink
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