can you give detail about this us stuff, im so confuuuussed
Hi Missdel,
Erotic transference in therapy is often about our unfulfilled longings for love and care when we were children. There was a time when we were children, in the womb and just after we were born, when we experienced no sense of the being separate from the people caring for us. Our needs were supposed to be understood and met without any effort on our part. So when we got to therapy and experience a relationship which is totally focused on our needs and where the person is attending to and caring for us, it brings back this desire for the care we didn't have then. But as adults, the closest thing we experience to having our boundaries down that far, is in a sexual relationship, with both physical and emotional intimacy. So when we get these intensely strong needs from childhood rising up, they get channeled as sexual feelings. Does that make sense?
For myself, I would often find that my erotic feelings for my T were often about me wanting to focus on something I couldn't have so there was an excuse for the pain I was in, rather than the pain caused by things I didn't want to face.
There really is nothing unusual to have erotic feelings come up in therapy; many people here have dealt with that. The setup of therapy lends itself to those kinds of reactions, which is why there is such a strong taboo around a therapist not exploiting a client for their own gratification, it's too easy.
This can become more complicated if your T/P is someone you would find attractive in real life because then your adult reactions can become mixed up with your childhood longings and needs. This can be difficult to sort out which makes it important that a therapist is VERY clear about what goes on in the therapeutic relationship to not add further confusion.
Bottom line, no one here is saying that your P is necessarily bad or up to good. Just noticing based on what you are saying that there seem to be some worrisome things. If you can, I know it's scary, I would address this directly with your P. That you are wondering why HE is bringing up sex so often. If he remains non-defensive and has a good explanation, that is a good sign you are safe with him. There is no way for anyone here to know the truth of your situation, we can only offer our experience and insights for you to use in coming to your own decision about what is going on and how best to act.
Erotic transference in therapy is often about our unfulfilled longings for love and care when we were children. There was a time when we were children, in the womb and just after we were born, when we experienced no sense of the being separate from the people caring for us. Our needs were supposed to be understood and met without any effort on our part. So when we got to therapy and experience a relationship which is totally focused on our needs and where the person is attending to and caring for us, it brings back this desire for the care we didn't have then. But as adults, the closest thing we experience to having our boundaries down that far, is in a sexual relationship, with both physical and emotional intimacy. So when we get these intensely strong needs from childhood rising up, they get channeled as sexual feelings. Does that make sense?
For myself, I would often find that my erotic feelings for my T were often about me wanting to focus on something I couldn't have so there was an excuse for the pain I was in, rather than the pain caused by things I didn't want to face.
There really is nothing unusual to have erotic feelings come up in therapy; many people here have dealt with that. The setup of therapy lends itself to those kinds of reactions, which is why there is such a strong taboo around a therapist not exploiting a client for their own gratification, it's too easy.
This can become more complicated if your T/P is someone you would find attractive in real life because then your adult reactions can become mixed up with your childhood longings and needs. This can be difficult to sort out which makes it important that a therapist is VERY clear about what goes on in the therapeutic relationship to not add further confusion.
Bottom line, no one here is saying that your P is necessarily bad or up to good. Just noticing based on what you are saying that there seem to be some worrisome things. If you can, I know it's scary, I would address this directly with your P. That you are wondering why HE is bringing up sex so often. If he remains non-defensive and has a good explanation, that is a good sign you are safe with him. There is no way for anyone here to know the truth of your situation, we can only offer our experience and insights for you to use in coming to your own decision about what is going on and how best to act.
Well said, AG! 
quote:This can become more complicated if your T/P is someone you would find attractive in real life because then your adult reactions can become mixed up with your childhood longings and needs.
Yeah, true.... When I first started seeing my T, I didn't really see him as a man; just a T, but then he did something one day, unbeknownst to himself, that suddenly made me realize he's not some asexual "person," but rather, an attractive man. Oy. That certainly did muddy the waters!
Transference issues abound.
Missdel, sorry for the confusing post! By "us" I meant my relationship with my T, including the transference issues. This may be TMI, but I had some promiscuity-related issues as a teen, and when that history combined with what my T calls weak boundaries, AND an attractive T.... Well, like AG said in that quote above, my childhood issues became mixed up with my adult feelings. T is aware, and patiently helping me through this with boundaries of steel, thankfully.
Starry
thanks so much ag for an amazing post. and starry.
i guess is thought he did put down steel boundaries in his coldness, but i'll have to wait and see. i think if this is a case of complete manipulation, i will be direct in my raising of concerns, i am fighting what you have all said and my annoying lust for him which i cannot take in my loneliness, this is really torture but i know i must do the right thing
i guess is thought he did put down steel boundaries in his coldness, but i'll have to wait and see. i think if this is a case of complete manipulation, i will be direct in my raising of concerns, i am fighting what you have all said and my annoying lust for him which i cannot take in my loneliness, this is really torture but i know i must do the right thing
quote:i guess is thought he did put down steel boundaries in his coldness, but i'll have to wait and see. i think if this is a case of complete manipulation, i will....
Did you ever see the Lion King movie? Remember what Rafiki said when showing Simba "the big pointy rock" in the distance- he said, "Look beyond what you see."
You can definitely overcome this and take what you've learned to make yourself wiser. You're not just learning about things of a therapeutic nature, you're learning things about priceless, invaluable You.
Starry
wow. i am a sucker for appearances im learing to stop this, big reason for my social anxiety
he asked me if i cared what he thought being a man in our third. i looked at him innocently as said 'no this is professional' so he knows i'm naive! he just watched me and beamed and said yees!
he asked me if i cared what he thought being a man in our third. i looked at him innocently as said 'no this is professional' so he knows i'm naive! he just watched me and beamed and said yees!