Do I trust God? I do. God is not male. Although we talk about HIM, that it's a "he", he is not male. That's why I trust him.
Does it make any bit of sense?

Anyway, I'll go on...
Thursday evening, while I was busy doing something "the question" came and stood between me and my therapist. It pissed me off terribly since it separated me from him now, when I was feeling so close to him and trusting him so much. And then the question put itself between me and him.

The question is: "Does he care about me?" or "Do you care about me?"

And what am I supposed to do now? I can't feel whole while having this question in my head, hanging in there.
Will I ask him? What can he say? Could he say "I do care about you"?
I presume he couldn't say "No, I don't" since that would hurt me and that would be pure rejection and he wouldn't do that.
The most probable is that he could dodge the question, turn it around and send back at me. He could use it in therapy, oh, I'm sure he would love to make use of it and probably will. So afterwards if I asked it again, then what? I can try to answer it myself but it wouldn't be the same.
I can logically assume that he does care because if he didn't care he couldn't be my therapist. And he does show that he cares, he does show love and all so why the hell I need any question? He gives me so much love, but it's never enough. He was waiting with his arms open for me to come as close as I wanted, but I didn't want.
So I just answered the question myself, but still need more...

Maybe if you ask him, he'll use the line my T used with me at my last session: "I have unconditional positive regard for you, but the code of ethics says it is harmful to you to have a dual relationship with me." What is that psycho-babble lingo supposed to mean? How often do you hear people spouting that phrase to demonstrate their true feelings? I guess T's have to walk a fine line, and we can't help ourselves from pushing the limits.

Thank you so much for posting, Curious. This is what I was hoping this thread would become - a place where we can express what doesn't make sense, without pressure of having to justify it!

I am really struggling with wanting my T to be more to me than what she can be. I don't know which direction you are feeling it, but for me it is like I want to be her daughter. I want her to love me like how a mother should love her child - endlessly, with no strings attached, watching out for my every need, etc. I want to genuinely be that special to her. (And to think I am a grown woman!) I know it isn't logical, but I can't help feeling it. I don't want to think that she has unconditional positive regard for me (whatever that is!) only because I pay her to have it!

My T tried to break my fantasy gently, I think, by saying that these boundaries can be hard for therapists too. Sometimes she would like to give more support to clients than she does, but she holds back because she could lose her license over it. She gave an example of a client who recently tried to suicide by hypothermia method in the cemetery. (We've had some frigid minus 15 degree nights lately.) T said what she really wants to do is to have that client come stay/live with her for awhile, because that is the level of support that client really needs right now. But she knows she can't do that, and she struggles with how to best help her.

I don't know if her disclosure about the suicidal client helped or hurt me more. On the one hand, it helped me believe she was capable of feeling strong, genuine concern for at least some of her clients. On the other hand, my T never came out and said she felt that deep struggle towards me. It also subtly conveyed the message that she would not overstep the boundaries even to save a client's life.

So sorry you are also hurting right now about this issue, but glad you could share it here.

my mad rant.... I was really, really close to someone and I had to move away from them, and it's been many months and I still hurt every single day. Sometimes it feels like it's getting worse instead of better, like every month that goes by I realize more fully what it was that I really had and how totally it is gone. I share about it with my T but I don't feel anywhere near as close to her as that relationship felt, so it seems almost pointless. There is no replacement, anywhere, for what I had and it just hurts so awfully.

I hope that as time goes on I can feel closer to my T - there are things I really want from *someone* - but I don't know what she can really offer, if it actually matches with my not-quite-impossible needs. She has gone on a conference for a week and it all just feels so far away at the moment - like we hardly know each other at all, and I'm going to stay forever on this miserable iceberg! or fall off it into the raging sea!

thanks for this thread, MH, and for everyone contributing to it. I know it feels so uncomfortable sometimes to put this stuff out there but I always feel so comforted and strengthened and enlightened by reading others' honest accounts of their experiences.

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
I am possibly just terribly manipulative, somewhat spoilt and used to getting my own way and i have an uncanny ability to trick T's into giving me what i want, but how i would ask that question is to ask him how i would know whether he cared for me or not?

Hey HB, can you share more tricks to help us get what we want out of our T's? I'm not very good at that yet! I am learning to do what my T does when she is avoiding a direct answer - turn it around with a question like, "Is that important for you to know?"

quote:

Originally posted by Jones:
I share about it with my T but I don't feel anywhere near as close to her as that relationship felt, so it seems almost pointless.

Personal question, (don't feel obligated to answer), but wondering if it seems to you like your T isn't "getting" your pain. Have you ever felt deeply understood by your T when you talk about this? Because it sounds like you haven't really connected yet.

I did feel at first that she wasn't getting it... but she had me write out everything that I had lost in that relationship, and has been making heaps of time for us to go through that bit by bit and talk about it. She is really good at staying with me through that process and acknowledging everything - I guess it's just that she will never be that person, and this will always be therapy, so I don't know how close to me she can really come. And then maybe I feel a bit colder because of the imposed break, too. Another part of me just wants her to come BACK already, but I feel like it won't help when she does because it's just an hour anyway.

I guess in a way this is a version of what other people are going through - she'll never be truly personally invested in me, so why should I care? and what could she really give me even if she did?

The thing about your T's other client would feel weird for me too. I think it would be something I'd want to talk about a lot more... maybe it could give you an opening to discuss the feelings of need you have for her, and what is possible within the boundaries.

Yeah, grieving sucks, and more so when we realize we can't get out of it! This is what I want to say to my T:

"I don’t know how to take what you can rightfully offer me and be satisfied with it, but that is the task before me. I don’t think I can grow up all the way. I don’t want to mourn what I can‘t have. It feels…well, I don’t want to feel it enough to even describe it. Let’s just say it seems disastrous to go there. What reward is there in it? I’d rather remain in denial. But that isn’t working all the way now either. Everything hurts no matter what! I am not strong enough to do this!"

And then after I say it she is supposed to make it all better somehow. Except it won't happen that way. And I hate that I am even admitting it on this forum because that makes it even more true. I'm starting to feel like I wish I could at least have a good cry.

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
I am possibly just terribly manipulative, somewhat spoilt and used to getting my own way and i have an uncanny ability to trick T's into giving me what i want, but how i would ask that question is to ask him how i would know whether he cared for me or not? Somehow it feels a bit less personal and painful like that and i am more able to hear and learn without too much dramatic emotion getting in the way.

HB

Hihihi, I smiled and giggled when I read this. That sounds like a good trick to have the answer. I know it's not about the answer but about the questions rather. But still...

Curious,
The thing with getting the answer for this bloody question is, (and I know that), it will satisfy us just for a while. We would jump up with joy, but then we would fall down on the ground and we would ask again "Does he/she REALLY care about me?" So I know if he said "Yes I care about you" (I don't know, maybe he would say that), I would want him to say that again, and again, and again... and never trully belive. I think there must be some other way to find out and to believe.

quote:

Originally posted by echo:
How can we believe our Ts are offering us unconditional positive regard, unconditional acceptance or "love", etc., when their whole profession exists to change us?? Isn't that the point? To help us become different, better, people who can finally cope with what the world throws at us?

I think I know what my T would say if I posed this question to her. She would probably claim she isn't trying, or doesn't need, to change me because she accepts me as I am, but also that she wants to support me in any changes I want to make to enrich my life. She would put the responsibility squarely on me with how I choose to live and the goals I create. But I can imagine she would still be making professional judgments about my wisdom or lack thereof.

Thanks for the great thread MH!

I think the Ps feelings towards me matter so much because I have no way to accept myself for being me so I need him to do it for now until I can learn how to do it for myself. Also he knows the very worst of me and if he can accept me maybe I CAN learnt to also.

Halo, you just said so much in only 2 1/2 lines that rang true to me. Thank you.

New Rant. Same trust issue.

How ethical is it to teach our children to believe in fairytale lies like Santa Claus? We tell ourselves we are only providing magical memories. But when the day comes that they figure out how many years we've been deceiving them, how can they know whether to believe the truth of anything else we've told them?

Will this therapy of mine turn out like when I was my daughter's age and insisted against all reason to my wiser 3rd grade friends that SANTA CLAUS IS REAL BECAUSE I ASKED MY MOM AND SHE WOULDN’T LIE TO ME! Am I a fool for swallowing another deception?

I don't understand this whole Anglo-saxon Santa Claus ceremony around Christmas.
Where I am from Santa Claus is called Saint Nicholas and I was tought that he was a bishop that became saint. There was still some magic around presents and Saint Nicholas bringing them, there was some magic but we werent told that this magic is real. A lot of children is brought up to belive that Santa Claus magic is reality and Christmas is all about it.


P.S. Sorry, I really don't like Santa Claus...
I hope I didn't kill posting here..

quote:

How can we believe our Ts are offering us unconditional positive regard, unconditional acceptance or "love", etc., when their whole profession exists to change us?? Isn't that the point? To help us become different, better, people who can finally cope with what the world throws at us?

I don't believe that our Ts are trying to change us into different people, they're teaching us to see who we REALLY are, to understand and accept our own worth and strength to face what we need to, so that our choices and options and possibilities open up. If you shut up a person in a small cramped dark cell, and then release them into light and freedom, the person is NO different but what they can accomplish and how they live is dramatically changed.

So many of us are imprisoned by not having received what we needed to live in freedom and therefore live in a cell created by our own fears. Our Ts aren't changing us, they're teaching us to see the truth about ourselves. Then we CAN choose to live differently. But there's nothing wrong with us. We're just using old solutions that no longer work for our problems in the here and now. So the unconditional positive regard is just that. An ability to see us and understand why we do what we do and that it makes sense that we do it. We can only move from a place AFTER we acknowledge that we're standing in it. And that we have the ability to do so.

AG

No, we are not necessary changing. I know my T said something to me about it, and we both agreed, that I am not going to (and not expecting) to change through therapy and become different person. I am going to become ME. I never knew what it means "be yourself". What the hell does it mean. I didn't know when I am myself. So I'm looking forward to become ME.

I can't describe how I love him. How perfect he is. Therapy hours became so short. In the begining an hour seemed like quite a lot and quite enough. But now, I sit down, try to make myself a bit more comfortable and the time is up by then. My session was yesterday. (His stomach was making strange noises again - therapist's self-disclosure I call it He'll laugh when I tell him that)
Sorry, for my another rant about how much I love my shrink and how amazing and perfect and wonderful he is. If I could make myself tell him all that in the session...
What is it? Paternal transference? I know it can change into erotic one and I'm sort of defending myself and not allowing it to happen. I see him as strong and confident, trustworthy, reliable, mature.... caring... He knows how I love him, and I kind of wonder, I think he is waiting for me to be able to come closer to him. I don't know how close you can be to a therapist. I remember it was just once that I managed to reveal myself and be very vulnerable with him for just few seconds. And it was such a shock. I don't know how to go back to that feeling. It was like everything around me stopped, I was seeing only him, heard his voice and felt so close to him as if he was holding me in his arms. It felt like love. I will never forget that moment but I don't know how to go back to that feeling.

All I ever wanted was to be loved. This is what I craved for all my life. To be loved by somebody. I wanted to be loved as a child by my parents. By my mum actually. I never (consciously) expected love from my father. I suppose she loved me, but she didn't really show it. So I didn't know if she loved me.
Then I wanted to be loved by a man. But this proved to be more complicated than I thought.
So this is all about love. All our problems, all our reasons to look for help in therapy come from love, lack of love, or something like that. Love is the beginning and the cause. It's the "void which binds".

That's also an important thing you said:

quote:

therapy was providing me with the space to love as i want to

Another difficult thing is/was how to express love so the other person will accept it, will not be put off by it, overwhelmed... hmm... I'm doing my homework I think..

This post is going to be very negative because that's how I feel right now, and I don't want to have to lie about how I feel when I'm on this forum. I do enough lying elsewhere in life. I guess I am just warning anyone looking for optimism during the holiday that you might want to skip this one.

I'm so angry with myself that I have set myself up to be hurt! My T is very kind to me, but she is NEVER going to give me enough of what I need. It is like my T has given me just enough love to have a taste for it - just enough to trigger a craving - but now my appetite is raging and she will not satisfy it. I am a bottomless pit that is never going to be filled. Or maybe I am simply a terribly spoiled adult-child throwing an internal temper tantrum. I am not content to accept the laws and limits to her care for me and continue on with this cruel tease. It seems to me this tease is the experience of the majority of posters here. Isn't it better to suppress this need for love and shield oneself than to be vulnerable in seeking it only to be denied? Either way, I suppose it's a lose-lose. I am so angry I want to quit the therapy in protest! But I am also so desperate that I will take any little scrap she throws me! AARRRRGGH!!! Can someone please put me out of my misery?!

Hi MH... well I cannot put you out of your misery but I can commiserate with you. I really do understand how you are feeling and why you feel so frustrated and wanting to quit therapy. I told my T on Monday (when discussing his upcoming vacation) that I was so angry with myself and he proded as to why I was feeling like that and finally I told him because I allowed him to matter to me and I don't want anyone to matter to me like that and it was not supposed to be this way. And by allowing him to matter I now had something to lose... something valuable and treasured. And I hated telling him that because I never wanted him to know that he mattered. He probably knew anyway and was not surprised. I have also told him that therapy will never be enough.... never enough to fill the huge hollow space inside me.

I have wanted to quit so many times and it's only because I love my T that I'm willing to go back and try to figure all of this out. I can only hope there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. Saying goodbye (temporarily) to my T yesterday was just about more than I could bear. I can only try to take one day at a time until he returns from vacation.

TN

Thank you all for responding.

TN and Echo - it helps a little to know I am not the only one experiencing this stuff, that someone out there commiserates with me - although it is definitely unfortunate that you are feeling this pain too. Right now it seems like it will ALWAYS feel this way. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

HB - I appreciate you trying to encourage us. Maybe I am fooling myself to think I can successfully suppress the need for love. I am having a difficult time, though, with the concept that the bottomless pit will never be filled. That is not a message I can accept. It is too hopeless, too terrifying.

HB, I just want to say that if my T cannot be here, I am so glad that you are. You make me take a breath and look at what is really going on instead of drowning in my fear and pain. And I totally do understand about the black hole. I have always struggled with falling into that black hole, long before I ever thought of therapy or realized what had gone wrong in my life and how that effected everything else in my life. After knowing my T for awhile I ventured mentioning the "black hole" to him. He seems especially interested in hearing ALL about it, when it happens, what provokes it, how long does it last, how do I get myself out of it, how does it feel when I'm there etc. He has really made me think about it. And the more we talk and the more he "hears" me, well that black hole does not swallow me as often, nor does it keep me prisoner there as long. He has given me the footing I need to haul myself out of there when I fall in (which I still do).

As for the scraps, yes he definitely provides those to me and I understand your point. He is always there to witness my pain and grief and even though I KNOW without a doubt that he would rescue me if he thought he could and it would help me, but he cannot. And I understand that it's for my good that he holds back. It's actually more difficult for him to hold back. But he's there to cheer me on, offer comfort and help me find my own way through the muck. As much as I rail against him (and the boundaries) at times, I know I'm truly fortunate to find such a warm, caring, intelligent and ethical T (okay, the fact that he's adorable does not hurt either ) And HB.... thank you for the positive words about my work.

MH... I too have a difficult time with the bottomless pit syndrome. I can only hope that what others tell me (that it will get better) is true. It just all seems so much more magnified this time of year.

TN

Hi all.

It's been a long time since I've posted here...mostly because I've felt overwhelmed at the thought of it. Been going through some difficult stuff in therapy and while I've been trying to keep a journal at my T's request, I've found it very difficult. I know it helps once I start but I find it so difficult to begin at all. I guess it hurts too much.

My old T is still in my head so so often...I think every man I am attracted to these days has a part of him in them. It's like nothing else will do. I miss my conversations with him and have wished that he could "save" me on so many occasions. My feelings towards him go from those of wanting affection-both physical and emotional to wanting him to be violent and abusive towards me, with equal intensity. I long for the attention of an older man and I'm sick of dismissing it as being a cliche or a typical freudian case study as it's eating me up inside. I have such a longing and yet I am so scared when anything like an opportunity approaches. I need someone who is completely dominant to take control of the situation.

I have begun dissociating again in sessions and it's quite difficult to sit there with my new T, being almost unable to make a coherent sentence or move. Some of the time I know what I want to say but I feel it is too awful or perverse to tell her. I find myself opening up more and more though. A few sessions ago I revealed to her about how I want my old T to either love me and hold me or hurt me and hit me...and that both seemed equally attractive. I found the idea strange and wrong somehow. She said she thought it made sense, that in both scenarios I was giving over power and responsibility-I still do.

SI has crept up again tonight. I was out and saw someone who I was attracted to a while back,older of course. I kept thinking about him dominating me and I felt upset and sad that I couldn't be with him. I don't know if that's why I felt the need to SI. It's nothing, hardly a scratch...but at least I felt it.

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. Perhaps this should be in my journal and not here as it's hardly very constructive. I hope I can be of more help tomorrow and get down to catching up with all of you.

Take care,
Mrs. P

Hi Mrs P, it is SO great to hear from you, you have been in my thoughts and you have been missed. Please know that you are loved here.

I also have fantases of being hurt, usually by the black belts in my martial arts class. It usually involves being knocked out and then comforted by that person, perhaps it is a seeking protection sort of thing.

Your post also reminded me of when I first went to therapy, for at least six months I would sit there flinching and wait for my P to hit me or attack me.

Hi HB, your post really touched me. What you have described is what I am yearning for and have been all my life.

quote:

What therapy did and is doing (because i am not there yet) but it has given me a footing, a ledge so to speak in the black hole. And to me it is not teasing, it is practicing, the scraps they throw are enough to sustain me so i can find my feet and get familiar with the craving and learn to be less frightened and less tormented by it. So the raging and tantrums are so good and so helpful because it is your voice you are hearing but with someone that doesn't get enmeshed in it and add to your confusion.

My question is how? How do I do this? Please help me to understand.....I think I am on the verge of something big if I can just understand what you mean.....

Thank you HB, I am learning from you and trying to put it into practice in my life. You are right, it is not easy though. I find that it is hugely overwhelming to do it all at once and I am trying to just dip one toe here and there to see what it would feel like not to be panic stricken with fear about my emotions.

Today is the first anniversary of my father's death. It is a very difficult time for me because even though I got to say goodbye and hold him, when he died there were huge problems between us. Usually my first line of defence is to consume chocolate and obsess about my P. Today I am trying to feel the feelings and not be so scared. It is very very tough. So I am going to be gentle with myself in every way.

The chocolate and obsessing though in itself causes more problems than it solves because I have physical panic attacks from both and end up feeling worse. I am trying not to resort to those so-called comforts as often. Instead I am using candles and relaxing, alternate nostril breathing (sounds so weird but actually is effective) and relying on my support people to talk when I need to.

I am letting myself feel sad and cry because I loved him very much and also feel sad that he wasn't the person I had pretended to myself that he was. It is very hard to let myself feel angry so maybe that is for another day.

((((((Halo))))))

I am so sorry about your father's death, Halo, and so sorry too that when he died there were still problems between you.

However...may I also say that I am amazed and impressed at how you are putting what you have learned into practice in this very moment? What you are doing is beautiful, do you know that? You are letting yourself feel this sadness and seeing him for who he really was. You are honoring him, yourself, and the reality of the relationship you had with him, and you are facing it with clarity and the courage not to run away. And on top of it all you are taking care of yourself and being gentle with yourself too.

That's why I'm here, to learn how to face life on any terms and not run away or shut down. So thank you for showing me how it's done.

SG

Halo, I wish I knew what to say to ease your pain today but I don't. Maybe you are right about just needing to allow yourself to feel it. I guess the natural tendency is to run from pain, but then it still follows us and catches up to us eventually. So glad you were able to share with us that today was an anniversary day for you. I hope you feel slightly less alone with your forum friends thinking of you from across the globe!

Halo I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling on this anniversary. I admire you for how you are handling this though, you are doing something positive for yourself and being kind to yourself while at the same time you are acknowledging the feelings and the reality of the relationship you had with your father. Good for you. You should share this accomplishment with your T... and I'm glad you shared it with us.

I find it so hard to even try to analyze my relationship with my parents. It's so convoluted and confusing. And I'm still mostly running from any feelings that come up unless I'm sitting with my T, where I feel safe enough to look at them.

I hope with time that things will get easier for you.

TN

Thank you SG, MH and TN from the bottom of my heart for your kind and warm words of comfort. They truly helped.

It was a really tough day but I made it through and today so far, it feels easier. I had constant panic attacks and the no sugar thing really made no difference, I was panicking non-stop.

I went to the movies with my niece and we saw Sherlock Holmes, it was a fabulous movie with lots of action to distract me.

Afterwards we looked up our favourite songs on youtube and before long I was really sobbing.

It felt good to let it out, the pain and hurt and longing and sadness.

I am going to try and let out my feelings and emotions a little bit at a time and try not to fall in the black hole as often, to try and face them and look them in the eye instead of running away so fast.

It is still early days with my new P and I have a long way to go but by coming here I am not as frightened of getting better as I was.

The mad chatter... lets bring it back...

I FINALLY am going to see my T on Monday. I hope he doesn't text me to cancell or anything. The weather her got really bad this winter and I absolutely hate it. I process so many feelings in between the sessions that I would have to see him daily to give him a really good and precise account. It usually gets very calm and safe over the weekend when I know he is just two days away from me. When Monday comes I panic. I am so afraid to see him and so afraid that something will stop me from seeing him. Later on there is so many things I wanted to tell but I can't get out a thought. I asked him recently to push me, cause I felt like I'm stuck. I want to move closer but I can't and I surely won't move back because that would hurt so much. So I wonder, will he push me now into something?

I feel like being a bit angry at him for leaving me alone for 3 weeks. 3 bloody weeks with no sign of life....
I would like ths feeling to remain in me and "be availble" on Monday because somehow it doesn't feel destructive to the love I feel. Hm...

Amazon, how did it go yesterday? Did he push you?

I'm caught in a ridiculous battle deciding what the hey do I want from my T anyway? I'm finally feeling safe enough to test her on boundaries just a little, but I think there is more exploring to do. I've sent her 4 texts [cringe ] since my appointment last Thursday. Wondering what she's going to say about that when I see her next. I almost want her to say something rude so I can have an excuse to be angry with her; being angry with her is easier than needing her.

I texted her about how I've been fighting feelings of wanting to be her daughter and wanting her to prove I am loveable, and that I knew it was unfair to her. I thanked her for all she's done for me but I didn't know if I should come back because she can't fill this gaping hole inside, and I just can't stay with the pain if she can't take it away. She texted back that I would have to decide if what she could give me was better than nothing at all, and that she cared about me too.

So I wrote I knew she didn't want to be my mom, but yet she was being just like my mom anyway by retreating and putting up her fence to keep me out. I said I didn't need that kind of care and to go ahead and show her boundaries cuz she can't care for 99 children like me! (She has around 100 clients at any given time - though not all see her every week.) She wrote back, "No, but I can care for 5." This was referring to something she said awhile back about me being in her "Fabulous Five" group, which supposedly means we are the 5 clients who need a higher level of support right now. (Not sure whether to feel denigrated or comforted by being included in that category.)

So I asked her how it was that I got a spot on this hierarchical neediness list and what were the rules about it - like how long before I get bumped by someone even wackier than me? She wrote that she is here for me until I don't want her to be.

Well, what if I don't know from moment to moment what I want? One side of me tells her, "Please, I Need You!" While another side of me is telling her, "Go Away!" So which voice is she supposed to listen to? She texted back, "I honor both. You are afraid. I understand your fear." So I am very nervous because she's right; I am afraid, and now I know she sees it.

So yesterday while I am trying to decide if I should cancel my future appointments, the receptionist calls to see if she can change the time of my next appointment from morning to afternoon. Apparently my T had a couple of hospitalizations that threw off her schedule, and they are trying to work in some clients who were affected by it. So with that knowledge I'm feeling guilty for being needy, and I tell the receptionist I'll be fine without one and not to worry about it this week. That stoicism lasted until this morning when I called back begging to reschedule it again. So much for my pride.

I want you to know I am not always this crazy. Sometimes I even have a full day of not being this crazy. [sigh]

quote:

I'm finally feeling safe enough to test her on boundaries just a little, but I think there is more exploring to do.

Wow... I want that. I want to get to the point when I will be testing his boundaries.

MH, I see how your T is being a bit like a mom with you, when you talk about the texts you exchanged with her. I told my T that I felt like texting him last week but I didn't because I didn't know if it would be ok and if he would reply. I am being a very obedient client unfortunately. Anyway he said that when it comes to texts he wouldn't get into a conversation with me via texting. I kind of see the difference between your "mom" therapist who allowes more and he is being like a father for whom the boundary is much tighter. Then again it also matters that he is fairly unexperienced yet so he needs to watch out much more.

He did push me a lot, he kept asking questions about this and that. I mentioned to him, that yes, I asked him to push me but I was hoping he would do that in such a way so I wouldn't notice. I know this is the way to go and this is what I need.

Anyway, I think I will stop talking to my friends about my therapist because they seem to be concerned with the fact that I'm in love with him, and because I'm in love they think he should transfer me. (sigh)... I just better shut up. I know that my therapy is going well (kind of) and my therapist is sound.

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
Anyway, I think I will stop talking to my friends about my therapist because they seem to be concerned with the fact that I'm in love with him, and because I'm in love they think he should transfer me. (sigh)... I just better shut up. I know that my therapy is going well (kind of) and my therapist is sound.

It seems to me that at least being in love is the magnetic pull that can keep one coming back for more therapy.

Can therapy be productive without some sort of attachment? My son has been seeing a male P for a year now, and he seems to have almost zero attachment to him. He doesn't hate his P, but neither does he emotionally need him. If I cancelled his sessions tomorrow he wouldn't mind.

MH, I think we have really good relationship established and we are getting there. I trust him totally about the nature of the relationship and there is no worry of sliding into a romance type of relationship. I see him as being very professional, confident and strong. I also see the whole thing realisticly, this is what I want - the therapy. I am not sure if later on I will start to desire him so much that I will just say, fuck it, I don't care, I want you and fuck the therapy
I wonder if he had any clients with erotic transference so far... He's fairly new to this profession, but I feel really safe with him. And I'm so happy I didn't get a woman therapist. He is the right person. Sometimes I think of him as a lover. I imagine having sex with him. But only when I'm back at home. I never imagined that in his presence (yet?).
Some other time I imagine him as being a father, perfect father, who takes care of me, who is proud of me and who will tell me "no, you can't have this".
Well, I could go on like that about him for some time... Maybe we shoud start a topic "who has the best therapist on the world"

You should start that thread, Amazon. Seriously! However, you seem to be rather consistently positive about your T. Some of us are more back and forth with "I love you!"...no wait, "I really hate you!"...no I mean, "I so love you!". I'm just fresh back from an appointment and feeling that love-hate thing all mixed up together at the moment and not sure what to do with it. I don't know how you do it, though, to be always in love with your T and yet not be miserable about it.

Yes, MH, I don't have the love-hate thing. I'm not sure why. Could it be that my hateful feelings were fully satisfied in my childhood and adolescence?
What I have is rather love-indifference flip-flop, and I'm really scared of the indifferent part. But then I realize, no I do love him. Even if he is not as handsome and sexy as he seemed to be few months ago I still love him. Today he is just one day away from me.

Little funny thing I'd like to share..
I had my session yesterday. And I'm usually so worked up and stressed out before it, sometimes feeling sick in my stomach, all tensed and so on... like before entering hell or heaven and seeing the devil or God himslef...
Yesterday I walked in, sat down, started to talk about some less relevant things, and after few mintues I realized: "Oh, I forgot to be afraid".

I wish I could have one of those moments where I could go "oh I forget to be afraid this time." Maybe it will come if I keep working on the hard stuff that we just got started on. I have my next appointment a week away and I am already stressed out and scared even though I just talked to him on the phone this afternoon and he is not mad at me after our big fight last week on the phone and said I am doing good. I just wish for one session I could go in there with no fear or anxiety and talk about something, even if it is something thats not that important.