I wish I could have a moment where I forget to distrust! I second-guess every little thing my T says or does. Lately I am starting to suspect that I am missing out on a lot that she is ready to give me because I keep pushing her away in my fear that I will be deceived into believing she is genuine when she isn't. I don't know how to stop protecting myself this way. Should I demonstrate before you an example of how I over-analyze things to death? You all might be disgusted with me, but since I am feeling the need to publicly berate myself today I will go ahead.
I sent my T a text last night, even though I told myself I should give the poor woman a break and save it for a dire emergency. But I couldn't help myself. She texted back within 5 minutes and wrote: "I will not give up on you. I see in you what you don't see and that is a pretty great little gal. You take care and I will see you soon."
When I first read this it was very comforting to me. My initial reaction was something like, “I wish I could tell you how much this means to me. It almost feels like love. Thank you so much because it is what I needed from you right now.” I only thought it to myself. But then as I re-read her text over and over (yes, I admit I do this), a tiny doubt crept in, and I began to wonder and reinterpret… and the thoughts that came kept nagging at me until they stole away a good chunk of the warm peace I initially felt. I thought, what if the part about “you take care” was her way of hinting that the conversation was over so that I would not send her any more bothersome texts? And the part about “I will see you soon” made me realize how 8 days feels like a short time to her, but she has no idea how long it feels to me - it certainly doesn’t feel “soon” enough. And the part where she wrote she sees me as “a pretty great little gal,” well, I admit she could call me much worse names so I should be content with this line, but I just don’t see much that is pretty or great or little about me, and she didn’t give any examples, so it feels like a stretch for her to write it. But if it is a lie, at least I believe she is lying for my benefit instead of hurting me with the truth. But there is still hope coming to me from this well-dissected text because the part she wrote about “I will not give up on you,” well, that line is golden. That is the most important line, and I am still clinging to it. So she better mean it!
MH,
I think you're living out the fight between your cerebral cortex and your limbic system. When we are injured in childhood by the very people who should protect us, we learn to distrust a basic human instinct. We are biologically driven to seek out an attachment figure in order to survive. When our caretakers have been abusive, we instinctually move closer but instead of care we are hurt. This teaches us on a very deep level, often before our frontal lobes are even "online" that moving closer is dangerous. So unconsciously, when we allow ourselves to move closer, our limbic system basically starts screaming at us "GET OUT. GET OUT NOW!!" even though there is no real danger in moving closer. We then look for reasons to rationalize our moving away. What you are experiencing is an attempt to "protect" yourself from getting close to someone because on a very deep level you are certain you ARE going to be hurt, it's just a matter of time. Which is why you are minutely analyzing your Ts message looking for clues of insincerity or betrayal.
The truth is, there is NO reason for your T to lie to you. She actually means what she says about you being a great gal (a statement I find easy to believe from what I know of you here!). It's scary to move closer but it's how you will heal. To, despite the terror, move closer and see that good things can happen.
And as for reading it again and again, I have every email my T has even sent me or I've sent him and I've lost count of how many times I've read them. You sound perfectly normal to me. But then you have to consider the source.
AG
I think you're living out the fight between your cerebral cortex and your limbic system. When we are injured in childhood by the very people who should protect us, we learn to distrust a basic human instinct. We are biologically driven to seek out an attachment figure in order to survive. When our caretakers have been abusive, we instinctually move closer but instead of care we are hurt. This teaches us on a very deep level, often before our frontal lobes are even "online" that moving closer is dangerous. So unconsciously, when we allow ourselves to move closer, our limbic system basically starts screaming at us "GET OUT. GET OUT NOW!!" even though there is no real danger in moving closer. We then look for reasons to rationalize our moving away. What you are experiencing is an attempt to "protect" yourself from getting close to someone because on a very deep level you are certain you ARE going to be hurt, it's just a matter of time. Which is why you are minutely analyzing your Ts message looking for clues of insincerity or betrayal.
The truth is, there is NO reason for your T to lie to you. She actually means what she says about you being a great gal (a statement I find easy to believe from what I know of you here!). It's scary to move closer but it's how you will heal. To, despite the terror, move closer and see that good things can happen.
And as for reading it again and again, I have every email my T has even sent me or I've sent him and I've lost count of how many times I've read them. You sound perfectly normal to me. But then you have to consider the source.
AG
MH.... I could have written your post because it sounds exactly like me. I do all the things you wrote about. The moving closer to my T is so terrifying because I am positive that he is going to betray me, destroy me, hurt me in some way that I'm always looking for reasons to be mad at him. It's safer to be angry with him because then I can pretend he is no one to me and that I don't need him. Yeah right. I lost that battle a long time ago.
As for dissecting and analyzing and over analyzing the emails/texts.... I do that all the time. I once yelled at my T because he wrote "have a good weekend" at the end of his response to my email. I felt like that was very dismissive and hurtful, like he was telling me to go away because it was Friday night and he did not want to hear anything from me over the weekend. And that he would be busy with his "real" family over the weekend and as a result our connection was broken or ceased to exist. That I ceased to exist for him and that, in truth, was very scary to me. The other day he wrote at the end of an email "take care" and I got all upset again because it meant to me... don't bother me any more. But I worked at stopping that feeling because I write "take care" to people in my emails too and I surely don't mean to be dismissive with them. I think emailing clients has to be a really tough thing for Ts to do. It's a really fine line they have to walk and in most cases it does not satisfy us.
The most powerful email I ever received from my T he wrote "I will be there for you no matter what". I still carry that in my purse so I can remind myself that he won't leave me. I think what your T wrote about not giving up on you was amazing and you should hold onto that. And I beleive she really means it and all the other things she has told you too. She sounds like a very caring and responsive T and no wonder she is so important to you.
AG... I know you've talked about what you wrote in your post before but it still helps so much to re-read it and try to absorb it into my brain. So many of us have that classic disorganized attachment that keeps us from moving closer because we have those very powerful impulses to run like heck from our Ts. I think it says a lot about all of us here that we stay despite our fears. There is a lot of courage here in this community. I see it in every post.
TN
As for dissecting and analyzing and over analyzing the emails/texts.... I do that all the time. I once yelled at my T because he wrote "have a good weekend" at the end of his response to my email. I felt like that was very dismissive and hurtful, like he was telling me to go away because it was Friday night and he did not want to hear anything from me over the weekend. And that he would be busy with his "real" family over the weekend and as a result our connection was broken or ceased to exist. That I ceased to exist for him and that, in truth, was very scary to me. The other day he wrote at the end of an email "take care" and I got all upset again because it meant to me... don't bother me any more. But I worked at stopping that feeling because I write "take care" to people in my emails too and I surely don't mean to be dismissive with them. I think emailing clients has to be a really tough thing for Ts to do. It's a really fine line they have to walk and in most cases it does not satisfy us.
The most powerful email I ever received from my T he wrote "I will be there for you no matter what". I still carry that in my purse so I can remind myself that he won't leave me. I think what your T wrote about not giving up on you was amazing and you should hold onto that. And I beleive she really means it and all the other things she has told you too. She sounds like a very caring and responsive T and no wonder she is so important to you.
AG... I know you've talked about what you wrote in your post before but it still helps so much to re-read it and try to absorb it into my brain. So many of us have that classic disorganized attachment that keeps us from moving closer because we have those very powerful impulses to run like heck from our Ts. I think it says a lot about all of us here that we stay despite our fears. There is a lot of courage here in this community. I see it in every post.
TN
I almost didn't post this topic today. I actually posted it earlier this afternoon and then deleted it. But I am glad I re-posted it because this forum is such an awesome support. AG and TN, I wish I could communicate how much your replies mean to me - that you took the time and effort to share what you've learned. It really helps knowing you understand and have been in the same shoes. I have been descending lower and lower, losing my hold on the positive feelings from my session yesterday, but you two have brought me back up to the surface again.
Hi MH... I'm glad I could be of help. I definitely do understand and have been in your shoes... I still am. I still struggle with holding onto the positive feelings and the connection. But please do hang onto those good feelings you experienced in your last session... they are really real and your T really does care about you.
TN
TN
Hi MH - just want to say I'm glad you posted this. I really identify with the text-dissection too - I would have done the same thing. Glad you got that one line that feels safe - hold on to it.
MH,
You did really creative interpretation of her text
It reminds me a bit how at school we would take a poem, split it into sections and try to figure out, what the author REALLY meant to say.
Even the last important line, that you didn't manage to get any other meaning then what it is - you just hope it is what she really means.
I do exactly the same things. And it hurts so much when we try snatch something precious away from ourselves.
I'm sure your T would never lie to you.
My T said, that he would never lie to me. So something in my head tries to turn it around, that he would basicly try not to tell the truth. Bullshit! This one I will believe.
We are all so creative, but not quite the way we should be.
You did really creative interpretation of her text
It reminds me a bit how at school we would take a poem, split it into sections and try to figure out, what the author REALLY meant to say. Even the last important line, that you didn't manage to get any other meaning then what it is - you just hope it is what she really means.
I do exactly the same things. And it hurts so much when we try snatch something precious away from ourselves.
I'm sure your T would never lie to you.
My T said, that he would never lie to me. So something in my head tries to turn it around, that he would basicly try not to tell the truth. Bullshit! This one I will believe.
We are all so creative, but not quite the way we should be.
Amazon, your post reminded me of things my T says to me. She frequently says she will never lie to me. Lately she's been calling bullshit on my defenses I use against her. It's funny the effect it has on me when she swears, because neither one of us do it that often, but when she does then it feels like she really means what she's saying.
About being creative, I suspect most famous and successful artistic people - whether it be writers or musicians or dancers or artists or designers - have suffered great pain in their lives which have become the inspiration and drive for their creative outlets.
About being creative, I suspect most famous and successful artistic people - whether it be writers or musicians or dancers or artists or designers - have suffered great pain in their lives which have become the inspiration and drive for their creative outlets.