Hi, honey...that is a very big insight. No, I do not think such tender things are deeply obvious to everyone else. It certainly wasn't obvious to me. What is really important is that you have made that connection. I'm sorry that your T seems in some way identified with your abuser. that must be a very painful thing to figure out, what do do about it? It makes sense...you have continually had difficulties with your sense of helplessness in this relationship- both wanting care, and not being able to recognize care within the situations that require you to step forward...which makes sense based on your background. I know this place...it is awful, in every sense. It is the victim place, and it sucks. What is so bad about what was done to you, is that it probably even triggered old helpless childhood pain...where, if you could just think that in the poor treatment of you, there was care- then it could all be ok. So we learn, to identify poor treatment with care. And then we do that as adults. I did it with my T. Very different scenario with my SD, and interesting, not strong attachment. Attachment (!) yes, but not *like that.* but Liese...see here...you have canceled! Take pleasure in the fact that you have said *no* to the pain of being victimized this time. And now, go out in your garden (if you have one) or go to Starbucks and get a caramel machiato and let yourself "just be." Because it is what it is and you can't change that right now.

Stupid, stupid T. I'm pissed at him. You are not manipulative. It was *his* job to figure this stuff out and carefully, explicitly, explain it to you. That is what you pay him for.

(((((Liese))))

Well, T did call. He wanted me to come in before my appointment on Thursday. He got my VM and my letter. He offered me an appointment today at 5:15 OR tomorrow at 12:45. I took the one for tomorrow because of my son's baseball game tonight and it's difficult to get too emotional when I have to take care of the kids. Of course the asshole in me is very happy he called and that he said what he said.

So, you know how everyone gives their parts names? Well, at least some people do. I'm calling that part of me who would throw myself in front of a moving train for T "the asshole." Someone needs to rein that girl in.

Wow that is a big breakthrough Liese. I think he'd like to be seen as the caring man who stands beside you as you work out your pain. And I think that is more than likely who he is. It seems like it would be very very important for you to share this insight with him and I hope that you do.

On whether he calls you today or not. Here's what I have learned. Ts are taught to allow clients to take breaks etc. So he may take your message at face value and in his mind may be thinking "I will back off and give her space"

And also when coming back from vaca schedules don't always go as planned. You know how that is. Lunch may not have been lunch. That half hour may not have been available. YOu konw what I mean?

Ooops cross post.

Leise I am glad he called. He obviously cares a great deal about you.

Calling that part asshole will never be a good thing. That part is probably one of the most hurt parts of you and it needs care and compassion and understanding not name calling.

naw...you can still get something out of this. Focus on asking to have your needs met within the session. *your needs.* Not his. Think, what do I need to talk about and explore it, and *use* him for his expertise, and knowledge, and what he offers- and his care. ...that is what you pay him for. and in offering you care- it will be good for him, too. You can still do this. ask for what you need.

Thanks Jo and Beebs,

Jo, my cynic wants to say that na, he doesn't care. This is just CYA. I am not a cutter but right after I last saw him I wanted to stab myself with a fork. I wrote that in the letter. That's why he's getting me in. I thought he ought to know how badly I handled the whole thing.

Liese... only have a sec here. I'm glad he called and you are going in. I just wanted to clarify something you said below....

He ought to know how badly ***HE*** handled the whole thing. Not you.

Glad you found some insight.

Thinking of you
TN

Thanks for the slant, TN. Duly noted. If only I could really believe but then the asshole takes over.

I am glad that T called you and that you are going to see him tomorrow. I think its completely natural to want to push T away after a vacation. In a way, its like saying, "I had to get by without you, so I am not going to allow myself to connect with you again". I hope that he is able to work through this with you.

And I dont' think you are being an asshole for pushing him away and needing to see some signs that he cares and wants to see you. I hope that you are able to find a nicer, more fitting name for this part of you.

I agree that this part is not an a-hole. I actually call the part of me the persecutes me and pushes my T away the most my caretaker, because I realize she has a protective function. This is a little different as you are talking about the part of you who wants to do anything to connect with T, but I think even our most meddlesome parts have either need-seeking or protective impulses...and this coexisting conflict or contrast is especially highlighted in disorganized attachment. I just read an article about persecutory parts and how they are just modified protectors who have decided that the "threatening person" is internal (the host). It's kind of funny, because that's what I've been telling my T about my caretaker's role since late November. Anyway, off topic a bit there, but I'm trying to not make any of my parts, even the ones that cause me trouble, feel "sided" against by giving too negative of a label, like I used to for some of them.

I'm glad your T called and offered you a session to discuss your letter. I hope you are able to bring this realization of how you are perceiving your T into tomorrow's discussion. I have found my therapy progresses much better, more connected and productive, when T is able to "see" my inner experience through my projections or realized perceptions of him. You're doing so well to be processing and realizing this stuff on your own. ((((Liese))))

LG and Yaku,

Thanks for your support.

LG, it's part the vacation but also partly that my expections were way out of control. His last vacation was two years ago for two weeks. I couldn't admit at that point that I was attached to him so that vacation didn't bother me. But now I have come full circle and feel as though I've thrown myself at him with all my needs and neediness and have basically said, I'm so freaking dependent upon you. I don't like to be. I didn't want to be. I fought it tooth and nail but here I am. Please take care of me.

When I went to AZ a month ago, he spontaneously offered to do 2 phone sessions while I was there because we had just had the "I don't love you convo." I was distraught and he probably thought it was a good idea that I have support while I am away.

And, so while I realize that this vacation was his vacation and not mine, in the back of my mind, I would have liked to have a phone session while he was away. He didn't give me much notice about his vacation and when I seriously went to talk it all through with him the last day I saw him, he was super giggly. And, on top of that, I did ask if I could email him and he said he wasn't reading any emails. At that point, I got completely intimidated and didn't then even want to ask about a phone session because I wasn't sure I could handle the answer.

And, so I still don't know what his boundary is regarding emails or even phone sessions are. Am I supposed to read into that that he'd never give me his email address or that he would never do a phone session with me when he is on vaca? After I left, I completely spun out, mad at myself that I didn't pursue everything further and get real answers.

For instance, after my trip to AZ, I did ask him why he offered the sessions because he never offers anything without me asking. His answer was because he anticipated it. Well, honestly, he could anticipate a lot of things I want and I'm not so sure that answer did me any good. If he had said, because I knew you were in a lot of distress and I didn't want you to be without support but don't expect this when I go on vacation because I don't do phone sessions while on vacation. that kind of an answer would have been more helpful.

He never explains his reasons. He gives very vague explanations about things causing me to wonder where the boundaries are and if I have found them or not. This whole confusion caused me to spin out in a big way and he was completely inaccessible to help me sort it all through.

Yaku, I loved reading about all that persecurtory stuff. It rings so true to me. The asshole is going to the appointment. My caretaker doesn't think it's a good idea. She's not sure T is willing or able to give her the support she needs to get through this shit. Even if he didn't want contact at all, ultimately if that is his boundary, it would have helped me A LOT more knowing this at least 4 sessions in advance in order to give me time to work through it all. As it was, we barely talked about it until the last session and yes, I have myself to blame for that as well as him, which caused all kinds of confusion and pain while he was gone that could have been avoided, IMHO, if we had dealt with it sooner.

Ahhh, thanks again you guys. What would I do without this forum????