Muff
I really like you too

LL
I have found it to be very benificial reading the forum, as it has given me comfort in knowing that I am not alone in the way I feel and experience things. I have not found it harmful or triggering in a bad way at all. I feel sorry for people struggling here, as I know how it feels and resonate so much with that.

To really be honest, I don't know if all my time, money and effort has paid off in therapy. Yes there have been breakthrough momemnts and things have come to light while being there, but in general, most of the time I don't know what the hell it is we are doing. I can't tell you of one specific issue that we have really dealt with in all this time. It's been a toss salad of issues and emotions. The worst being the attachment to her, which drives me insane. She says that if I didn't need her, then therapy would be meaningless. And I agree. I've never seen anybody else, so I can't compare at all.

N9

But in the same breath am to afraid to agree..


I don't know if I could go somewhere else. We live in a small town and what if she finds out? I don't want to hurt her feelings. She just seems like some army commander sometimes - yes sir, no sir...LOL I would still like to know what kind of therapy she uses? Why won't she answer? She has a D.Phil and is extremely intelligent to say the least and gives great attention to detail - maybe I am just boring her right now during our sessions..


Big hugs to all of you for being so great in responding

Hi Scattered,
To answer your question re does anyone have memories of the past that they question in terms of them being false memories and should we let sleeping dogs lie.....Yes. I'll send you a PM. Don't have time right now though but won't forget to get back to you.

Would appreciate it so much. Thanks (((B2W)))

Scattered: I don't want to sound self-righteous.... because I have been through a similar experience. I almost didn't want to reply here, because honestly, I'm a little leery of therapy in general, and I'm trying hard to see some benefit to what I went through.

Yes, my past T did me far more harm than good. Yes, I grew very attached to him. I went in simply depressed/anxious, and this T created pathology where none existed. And I was starting to believe him, until I realized that I was essentially under his spell, in the process of being indoctrinated/brainwashed. The whole experience was EXTREMELY disrespectful and I was starting to feel much worse about myself.

And I would consider myself a high functioning person to begin with. So I went back on antidepressants and I'm fine, although "breaking up" is VERY hard. I'm going through grief, shock, anger, acceptance.. all the stages. But now I'm reading books and this forum is also very supportive, and I'm getting through it. I do have a difficult time with trust, and I'm certain that my "therapy" has made it worse. But I have regained my sense of self and my dignity, and I would never choose to give these things, or my power, away to anyone.

Again, I'm sharing my story. Whether or not you feel that this is happening to you, is up to you. But I felt that I should tell my story.

Hope it all turns out well.

quote:

She says that if I didn't need her, then therapy would be meaningless.

That's another very odd thing to say. Surely T's should be able to help even people who don't NEED them. I just told my T last week that I never NEED to call her since I'm capable of handling things myself, but I just want to know I don't have to get through everything alone. She was fine with that.

((N9))
Thank you so much for sharing your story and I appreciate your honesty. It means a lot that you would share that with me. I'm confused at this stage and somehow I can also feel that happening, but am under the impression that that is the way it should be and is just part of therapy..

((BLT))
She knows how dependant I am on her, because I told her. It's frustrating and has me anxious every week because I feel I cannot function properly without her. She can be very unsupportive in the times I need her most.
I think a person should get therapy to cope with therapy.

I need to be able to carry her around in my purse. She is pulling back more and more on the emails and I am not allowed to phone her, so what does one do with the unsaid hurt and emotions just after a session? It's horrible trying to wait for the waters to settle only to have a storm brew just before and during therapy again! Most days I feel I can't do this anymore

I got a reply from my email that I sent and was just as cold as the weather outside. I think I might just be done with therapy...

I don't want to be attached to anybody anymore especially one that consumes my thoughts everyday and makes me want to vomit just by the thought of something maybe happening to her..

Scattered,

The stuff you are saying about your T is really bothering me so I won't comment or I will be negative. I will tell you my situation.

I have BPD. Sure as shit. At bad, stressful, mental times I would meet all 9 criteria (like when my old T terminated me - I went seriously crazy). If I am well and coping - usually I would only have 2 or 3 of them and 2 or 3 more of them I can control or aren't that bad.

My T hasn't diagnosed it but we both talk about it and she treats me as if I have it.

I have bad attachment injury, abandonment and rejection issues, major trust issues and the BPD thinking that is weaved through everything. My T said that her job is to be the attachment I never had and I would practice through her - ie my attachment is pre-verbal - even at newborn stage - her job is to be there boringly consistent, nearly every time I need her for the very long term. She encourages anything and everything and is incredibly flexible and tolerant. I don't abuse it though. I am very avoidant and so now that I am attached - we both know this is a huge achievement for both of us. All my struggles now with pulling her close and needing her and pushing her away and fighting and her stuffing up by forgetting to email me or text me when she promised (and therefore sets off really unfortunate events...) is about our relationship and the attachment and the repair.

She always works on my emotion regulation, always works on my skills, always works on Mindfulness, acceptance, kind and compassionate thoughts etc. She helps with everyday stuff in my life and the stresses I have and suggests things, questions my thinking, analyses my thinking and my feelings.

When I need her - she is mostly always there. She is teaching me that I am ok and that it is ok to trust and to ask for help.

When I am thinking of her a lot - like you said - I did this more with my past T and it was when I felt the attachment didn't feel right and I would panic and be desperate to be close - with this T we have a more solid foundation. That doesn't mean I don't think of her or need her 100 times a day, but I will be able to find ways to self soothe and only contact her once a day - or every two days.

So in summary - she is my attachment person and she expects all of my behaviours - good and bad. For the long term. We always talk about attachment. If I am angry at her, I can tell her and we talk about it. She admits her mistakes. I am so lucky - but it is still REALLY, REALLY hard. Every single day.

You have to be able to talk to your T about all of this stuff. If you can't, then maybe the mix is not right, maybe you aren't suited - I don't know. If you feel attached to her - that is such a powerful starting point and it makes the repair and your future with her so worthwhile. Write down what is bugging you, how you want it changed and tell her. She is there for you.

Oh yeah and about the forum. My T absolutely encourages it ad finitum. She says this is another source of support for me when she is not available and she wants me to do it as much as possible. Yes, the forums trigger me badly sometimes, but I print stuff off and I discuss it with her. We use this as a valuable resource for my own therapy.

It gets down to T's and the mode in which they operate, their personalities, their experience, their attitudes, beliefs and ethics.

((Somedays)
Thank you for all you said and your T really does sound great.

My T is great, I think and we suit each other well, I know that she isn't perfect and also that me being BPD just makes me extremely sensitive to anything and everything that goes on in therapy. I am afraid of discussing certain things with her and dissociate a lot if I do try and tackle something that is bothering me about her, but she does tend to be very 'cold' with her responses that I sometimes feel she could really answer. I feel inferior with her, like a child, most of the time. I can't sit and have a conversation with her like I would with anybody else??? That really does bug me.

Maybe I am just having a difficult time lately.. especially the past few days. Today I couldn't get out of bed even and the depression really hit hard, but now I feel I can't tell her that anymore and that REALLY hurts. Who do I tell that I'm not doing well and just chatting about it a bit??

I'm in a bad place today.

Thanks so much for your response!

f