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11 replies

makin`my Therapist sad...?

frogfrogMember
Frowner
Yep, thats me.

I`m gonna turn to you guys now, because i dont have any other people who understands these "therapy-dynamics" as I know you people do. (cant blame them- it`s a uniqe relation we have with our t`s, right Razzer ?)

I cant help my self thinkin` that i have a bad influnce on my T.. Frowner And i cant imagine anything more destructive and sad to know. Todays session started OK, (but i arrived sad, and i went even more sad) but as i got more and more anxious and speachless (i hate when i turn speachless and numb!) and quite (i was lying on the divan, so i could not see my T`s face, but i did recognize the tiny sad/serious(??) tone in his voice! And i am really aware of the nuances in his voice when i lie down. Like i have super-over-sensitive hearing-senses!) my T did as well..
It`s like my energy level and mood rubs off on him. I CANT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN!!
And I realized this as i began to "fall down in that blue deep" and that makes my burden feel dubbel, sinse I feel so responsible for his mood as well.. to know that i drag both of us down in my pain.. yet, i cant seem to find any way out of the vicious circle as i lie there (or sit- or whatever i do). It makes me so frustratied and sad - sometimes i wonder if It would all be for the better (for both of us) if i just dont come to the sessions while i am not able to make any "good" out of it, and sinse i may just have this bad influence and gonna fill the whole room with my (speachless) sadness.. and then waste his precious time as well. Todays session was more like the drop that made the cup overflow... (For the record: The last months the sessions has been mostly good and intens in a way)

This is such an therapy- boomerang for me. And I HAVE talked (ok, vague) about this with my T- but he wont "confess" that there are any sorts of truth in this "thing".
My T both hesitates to talk about this, and always denies that this is the case, - that i have any sorts of bad influece on him,(He actually got a bit irritaded once, when i asked him- ok- i tried to somehow force him to admit it!) but as much as i wanna believe him- He is a human after all and it sounds totally unrealistic that he wont be infected by my mood, at least in a subtle way. And i belive he denies and avoid this, perhaps only in order to spare me from the pain this would cause me to know? BUT I DONT WANNA BE SPARED FROM OR PROTECTED FROM THIS TRUTH! ..or whatever it is Frowner ..
I truly dont know if i have created a therapy-ghost- but even if i have- the T-Ghost are undoublty real and scary!!

Now i feel anxious and burdened only by thinkin of my next session wednesday morning. Seriously- i am afraid im gonna make everything even worse if i show up at his office. (And i cant believe why something IN ME DESTROYES all the good and trustfull and warm, safe feelings in the relation.. sorry- that was a sidetrack-)
I feel so responsible for keepin him interested and...glad.. yeah, i need him to stay stabile and glad.. at least NOT miserable or irritated (gosh- thats the worst of the worst of my fears!)

It also seems to me,(kind of my thesis, at this moment at least! Razzer) that this "dynamic" cant be changed- because we`re allready TOO attached (at least he`s very attuned to me and my present felings) and its just a "nuture/universe law" (?) that we will infect on each other, both in good AND bad ways.. I just wished i managed to have only the GOOD effect on him.
..ok, I am gonna stop now before i just confuse my self even more. Do any of you have experiences with this? anything...? How do you guys cope with this part of the relation-dynamics, that -for me- only seem to be the sad bakcside of the (therapy-)coint..?
I could go on and try to make some (intellectual) answers myself- but i am not able to comfort or make any sense of this sad mess for myself right now..

ps: I may be a frog- but not made of glass- so i can take all sort of inputs Wink
Thanks for your time - and thanks to everyone that have welcomed me on this forum- i wouldnt dare to write all this, if i didnt felt your warm support.
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macmacMember
quote:
Originally posted by Frog:
It also seems to me,(kind of my thesis, at this moment at least! Razzer) that this "dynamic" cant be changed- because we`re allready TOO attached (at least he`s very attuned to me and my present felings) and its just a "nuture/universe law" (?) that we will infect on each other, both in good AND bad ways.. I just wished i managed to have only the GOOD effect on him.

I see your reasoning, but I think your dynamic can change because you can & will change! Also, your relationship with your T will change and grow; therefore the dynamics of your relationship will change. I think the more you talk and get to know each other, the more comfortable you will become in the situation- and just that right there changes a relationship.

I swear my T used to be so bored during our sessions. I didn’t think he was back then, but now that I think of the things that we talked about, he had to have been bored. But now our sessions go by so fast, and my T always says himself that our sessions seem to fly by. And he seems to really enjoy our sessions now.

Mac
starfishstarfishMember
Hi frog,

I am sorry that you felt sad going to your session today...was there any thing special that had sparked that feeling, or was it just one of those down days?

quote:
yeah, i need him to stay stabile and glad.. at least NOT miserable or irritated (gosh- thats the worst of the worst of my fears!)



frog has he EVER been any of those things with you.....or do those fears belong back in your past, when maybe expressing your feelings led otheres to react negatively; or that others who became irritated and miserable became somehow scary for you? Are you scared that if he becomes miserable or bored with you, he might leave? ....because this is different. Your T wants you to be able to express exactly how you feel without worrying about him.

I think you notice his tone and mannerisms change when you are sad, partly because I am sure he would not want you to feeel sad,but also because he will alter his manner to fit your mood I guess. If he was cheery and upbeat when you were feeling miserable, then that would feel really wrong for you...so maybe he is being sensitive to how you feel?

For me I have got over this bt asking my T (frequently!) to promise that she will tell me if she ever gets fed up with me or finds me too difficult. She has told me that she would always be honest...and that really helps in those times like you describe frog.

I don't know if any of that helps..excuse me if I am way off the mark.

starfish
frogfrogMember
Mac and starfish Smiler Thank you both.

First, mac; am glad your sessions seem to fly by - it sounds great! Its my hope, that i can describe my sessions like that some day as well! Sometimes they do fly by and i honestly think my T kind of enjoys those session as well, and i belive you when you tell me the dynamics in our relationship will change..i mean, how can in not? It HAS changed a lot during the 18 monsths(?) i`ve been in therapy, and right now the step up to 3 sessions pr week- seem to speed up the process!


Starfish: oh, your totally ON the road here Smiler I became kind of moved when you described this for me.. Its so good to rather "pick" your view at this. Thank you. And to answer your questions; I donno if there were anything special with that day.. hm, well yes, i came in and told my T about a recently tragedy that i had heard of, and I also recall that we talked about the previous session and that my need/addiction to therapy- and he describing how normal it was to feel somehow "addicted" to the therapy..
Your also right about the fact that i DO get scared if he looks/sounds tired/bored of me- because- on a deep level i guess- i think he will leave... though in reality i KNOW he wont. hm..

When i recall my T`s voice as it was that session- today (and after reading your response) it also seem very obvious that he only was very sensitive to my mood, as you said. (but also tired. Thats just a fact!) The voice was very emphatic and - LOL starfish-it would feel totally wrong if he had acted cheery and upbeat!

Thanks again, i feel better today and i am gonna see my T tomorrow, (of course i am, cant believe that i felt i could not yesterday..gosh- unstable me.. Roll Eyes )and as usual all the angry/confused feelings have began to fade away. I propably gonna tell my T tomorrow how sad i became after last session and maybe i will learn to allow myself to "take in" his comfort instead of fightning it every step in order to keep the fear of makin him sad/infected (=leave me) by my mood. Thanks for givin me a good correction starfish!

Have a good day guys-
starfishstarfishMember
Aw froggie

I'm glad you feel more settled and that those feelings have started to fade now. Isn't it strange how that happens...I've lost count of the number of times, especially in the early years of being with my T, that I came home fuming or upset and vowed I would NEVER go back again!!! But of course I did, because by the time the session had come around, I'd started to see reason (usually that I had got the wrong end of the stick or hadn't been totally honest or open with her).

I hope that tomorrow goes better for you. I don't think you can help being very aware of how your T is, how he reacts/responds etc. As children, a lot of us had to use all our intuition and senses all the time to keep us safe and feeling secure. That skill never leaves us, but maybe we can slowly learn to trust those people that are safe to trust and that have proved it by being constant with us.

I feel worried about my forthcoming session this week, that we plan to look at something that will be difficult for me. I shared this with someone who knows just a little of my story and I said I was worrying about HOW my T was going to help me to talk about it. She wisely replied, that was my T's problem to plan and sort that and not mine! Of course she is correct, and I tried to let it go a bit (darn, it still comes back though).

Hug froggy

starfish
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Oh Frog I wish I had something relevant to say, I'm just not into therapy long enough to have any experience of what you're talking about (I expect it will all come some time Smiler so just posting to say I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about it and wondered how your session today went? Hope it was one of the GOOD sessions!

Hugs to you Froglet

LL
frogfrogMember
Starfish: Thanks again,- you friend seem to be one of the wise type,(theire so great to have!) i so relate to that worry- I use a LOT of energy to think about how my T`s gonna be able to do his "work". It was a great reply and advice your friend gave you (and me Big Grin) to just "let go" and and let the T`s do the job. Isnt it weird how obvious that fact is for everybody else then us patients? I`m sorry you worry though- how did the session went for you? Did you stick to the plan and talked about the difficult stuff?

BlackBird: Aw- you`re so sweet! I really appreaciated your concern and your support. Dont be sad for deleting your reply. I`m sure your words was wise enough for me- but i SO understand you regrets and doubts about posting. Since my english isnt my language and are more or less bad and its hard for me to express myself the way i want to, i relate to the issues about posting/replyin in here as well. Thanks for your support blackbird

LL: for me its relevant enough that you replied- Smiler it means alot today, because i just came from my session (thanks for asking me!) and it would be a lie to say it was one of the good sessions..its still hard, but i managed to tell my T about my worries and some of the struggling the previous session caused me, and about my (wrong) guessing that i have a bad infect on him. I was more or less sad during the whole session, but at least my T KNOWS i am now, and he also replied to me that there are no reasons for me to feel that i have to "protect" him from wahtever i need to say or sensure myself with him. (right there i started to protest a bit. lol Big Grin) guess that helps a bit. I`ve got a new session tomorrow again, and in the meantime i`m gonna build up new strong wishes& hope for a better session to come. I have never ever before told my T that i felt disappionted about him, (for not follow up and asking me about the letters i wrote for him during the 6 WEEKS LONG VACATION and for not caring about me when i was in the car-accident before the last appt. before the vacation! blabla!)but today i suddently heard myself sayin it!!! (well, my T sort of dragged it out of me really). Such statsments makes a lot of fuzzy/guilty feelings in me.
How are you these days- i know it is long for your next session (16 days or so?)- I hope the waiting time are good to you Lamplighter.

Thanks again folks, *froggy-hugs to you all*
starfishstarfishMember
froggy

Sounds like it was a helpful session, in that you got a lot of stuff said, that had been worrying you before. So you know that he knows now...maybe then you can both come from the same place now to try and fix the difficulty. So well done for getting that said, but yes I can imagine the guilty feelings only too well Frowner


....my session is tomorrow, so on the long wait still and digging deep for a bit of bravery to carry through what we've planned to look at...

starfish
frogfrogMember
Teta Katerina Smiler

thanks- i am glad you asked

The previous session was one the divan..I`ve been on the divan for the 4-5 last sessions actually (I think i have to sit in the chair tomorrow!) What comes to be transeference in this i dont know.. The transeference is there in the relation all the time,(i have a strong attachment with my T- mostly a paternal transeference- partly erotic transeference as well i think..) and this worry that i have a bad inpact on my T has been a fear in my therapy the whole time. That fear involves that i am terrifyed i will upset my T make him angry at me or provoce him) I guess it came up this session again, because I WAS THE SAD one- so propably rather a good-old projection you know? Its hard to say.. My T has made no remarks or interprets about this yet.. For now he just seem to try to get an understanding of my sadness and thats it. Was this an answer Teta? What do you think?
I have a new session tomorrow early but i doubt my T`s gonna tell me what this fear is all about. Its all up to me to find out. as usual. Dont like that part of therapy... How are you Teta? Are the sessions-start better for you now?

ps: starfish- good luck tomorrow, thinkin of you. Let us know how it all went if you want to. Hugs.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Oh Frog I’m sad that your session left you feeling bad - but at the same time it sounds as if it was pretty productive. And good on you for telling him how you felt let down by his not pursuing the long letter you had written (and for seeming to not care about the accident) - that’s really brave stuff to get out - *hair stands on end* criticizing a T!!!!! And he took it well too - so I hope that lets you feel a bit less overawed by him and a bit less the need to have to be nice to and about him all the time.

I know the guilty feelings well! I’m pretty quick to get angry and criticize, but it doesn’t stop me going through agonies of guilt and mea culpa afterwards. Makes all the difference having a T who can take all the bad stuff and not be, as you put it, ‘infected’ by it.

How did the session today go? Hope it was just as productive (and good too!)

Lots of hugs to you (((( Froglet ))))

LL

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