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9 replies

Making mistakes makes me crazy...

itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
Hello,

Each time I make a mistake at work I lose it....end up punishing myself and making me feel even worse. When I first started working way back when, I drew up 2 meds in one syringe. THAT was wrong but someone advised me and of course nothing bad happened to anyone. Somehow, I missed learning this rather essential info in my early (brief) nurses training.
I quit my first real nursing job that day in total panic, terrified that I would surely kill someone.

These days i still react to making mistakes at work...although my reactions usually are not as severe (my mistakes aren't either!). This morning I got my boss mad at me and i ended up completely stressed to the point of feeling suicidal and having to reason why I shouldn't end it. I'm not sure what this mind process is that takes me to the edge so quickly? I've talked about it and worked on it in therapy, but there doesn't seem to be an easy answer around. My trauma therapist said its old memory, old trauma that i am reliving...

A less serious example of how it can happen occurred when I was a teenager and this kid in our church orchestra very vocally told the conductor and everyone else that my cello was out of tune and she refused to play beside an out of tune cello. I turned beat red with shame and it wasn't long before I quit playing in the orchestra.

I know that I dread the shame and humiliation that follows making mistakes and I did get quite a bit of that growing up. Tonight my mom was trying to help me with this, telling me I don't have to be perfect, that everyone makes mistakes....but it really throws me for a loop. I actually feel like quitting my job.

Do others react so badly when they screw up?

IHTS
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L lieseMember
Itshardtosay,

Yes, I react similarly. I got to the point where I didn't want to take any responsiblity at all out of fear that I was going to screw everything up. I've calmed down a bit but it's still hard to have confidence in myself.
working on it.


and by the way, for the record, what that kid said about not wanting to play next to an out of tune cello was an act of cruelty and meant to embarrass you. I hope that the conductor dealt swiftly and appropriately with that kid but I doubt it. No wonder you react the way you do to mistakes. It probably wasn't the only time you were ridiculed for making a mistake.
J jillMember
i do, very perfectionistic, which p tells me is one sure way to guarantee disappointment. he said it better, but...none of us are perfect.

i always thought my parents would love me if i was just 'better'...so i have tried and tried, and it is impossible, both to be perfect...and two, for my parents to show love.

so.

try to keep it in context.

i know i do 99 things right, but i focus on the one thing i did wrong. and it ruins it all.

yes, i too, LEAVE. just like you and your cello!!

jill
holdingonholdingonMember
IHTS
I too am a nurse and stress every day that it will be the day that I make that fatal error. I work in an office setting and was told yesterday that I would be expected to take "call" and handle patient phone calls if we had another weather induced office closing as we had last month. I immediately was in panic mode and told my boss that I was REALLY not comfortable doing that. She got mad at me and said it was not that difficult etc, etc, etc. I felt incompetent and mad at the same time. I react very strongly even when I get the very smallest criticism at work, or anywhere else for that matter. Frowner
itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
Hi again.

Thanks for your replies...Liese, Jill, Stoppers and Holding On.
I see that I'm not alone in being sensitive to criticism...

I think that if we feel enough shame and humiliation growing up without a trusted adult to help us process these feelings then it carries on into adulthood making life messy.

I'm sorry to hear that you all feel this kind of thing too.

The boss being mad...it worked itself out. I did the right things in the situation, but did push her to become irritated with a request I made. She hasn't said anymore and it is less potent now when I think about it :-)

The orchestra conductor!!! was my Uncle. You guessed about right with how he handled it...he stopped everything, came back into my row and tuned my cello while everyone watched and waited. Yeah. This lack of right brain attunement is generational.

IHTS
jonesjonesMember
Ugh, IHTS, I'm right there with this one. Realised yesterday I've made a mistake at work, been sitting on it for months without 'clicking'. I can sort it out before it's too late I think but it feels frigging horrible. I feel like a total embarrassment and just want to shrivel up and disappear, get out of everyone's way. Yuck. And I feel like I could rationalise away the feeling if I hadn't actually made the mistake, but I *did*, and it's not the only one.... Frowner
yakusokuyakusokuMember
I struggle with this too. I usually won't even try something (especially with any witnesses) unless I feel almost certain of succeeding. If I don't live up to others' expectations, I freak out. So, I set my expectations so far above them to never disappoint anyone. The problem is, the trauma that sent my husband and I to therapy means that two different parties who are essential to my feelings of worth now have (possibly permanent) conflicting expectations of me. It's like being torn to pieces by never-ending failure...

I quit basketball in 8th grade, partially because I needed to watch my younger siblings all the time, but partially because I didn't "get" how to run the plays (I had missed so many practices from taking care of said siblings). I pretty much quit anything I am not instantly good at. I'm really surprised I haven't quit therapy yet. Luckily, I have a husband who wants what is best for me and won't let me just give up on my mental health. Smiler
jonesjonesMember
Hi IHTS,

You know what? I sorted out that problem without much difficulty, and no one was mad or even really saw it as too much of a mistake - just one of the things that needed to be worked out along the way. I was freaking out that my boss was disgusted at me about it - but he gave no indication of that at all.

Now something else has come up and I'm feeling those feelings again (not as intense) - just trying to hold on to the rational world view.

Yaku, that's a familiar story for me, too. I hate doing anything I don't feel sure of.

Jones

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