Hi Amazon, I have been thinking about this too lately. I remember that we touched on this question briefly in another thread, Not Good Enough, but I'm glad you posted this because I think the topic deserves more exploration.

You already know that I currently have a female T for some of the same reasons you listed above. A hang-up I have is that since I am married, I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to self-disclose and experience unconditional acceptance with a male T without feeling like I was having an emotional affair, and possibly desiring it to be even more than emotional. It makes me cringe to admit this, but I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't try to win his love that way. What if I was successful in seducing him? That would be a disaster, and I don't want to take that chance. I know it wouldn't be a true affair as long as the T kept solid boundaries, but I would struggle not to feel guilty nonetheless for trying (or wanting to try). I am glad that when my female T occasionally gives me a hug, I can feel comforted by it without worrying that I am doing something "improper" that would bother my husband.

I have actually been to a male T twice before, although both times were very brief experiences. With my first male T it was 6 sessions total and any transference was paternalistic and limited. Even if there had been transference of the erotic kind I wouldn't have experienced as much guilt over it because I was in a different life stage then --young and single. But now that I am married it feels differently.

I had another brief encounter with a male T (only 2 sessions before quitting) when my husband and I went for marriage counseling. I didn't realize or admit it to myself at the time, but I was looking for someone to rescue me from my marital woes more than I was looking to strengthen my marriage bond, so maybe that T was doomed from the start. I just remember feeling immediately though that he didn't trust me (projection?) and was pushing me away from the first session.

My only other experience with males is with my son's P, where I also felt for awhile that the P was acting very distant and wary of me. For example, he didn't want to shake my hand, even though technically I wasn't his client. I'm thinking, is my touch poisonous? What is he afraid of?

Well, maybe I am revealing way too much about myself and how I relate to men! Please understand I am NOT at all judging any married woman who goes to a male T, or any married man who goes to a female T. I just think my therapy would be thwarted because I would hold so much back in trying to maintain a safe distance, not only because I mistrust men (especially men with authority) but I mistrust myself when I am with them. Not everyone is like me.

Alright, I understand that having male T would could be threatening to your marriage.
You see I didn't know that. I am/was in a relationship and my therapy has changed the shape of it completely. It basicly fell apart, I don't feel that I love my boyfriend anymore. It's not like I want my T to replace him, he's married and I know it doesn't/wouldn't work that way.
I imagine that if my relationship with my boyfriend was good enough, deep and I really loved him, I wouldn't feel like leaving him.
I do relate to men in a very awkward way too.
It is quite possible that every time I feel attracted to a man, I fall in love with a man it is always transference, because I can never justify why I feel that I love that man.

I'm female and both my T's have been male. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a female. I'm not entirely sure why. I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that the field and industry I am in is dominated by males (computer science and the gaming industry) so I don't and haven't interacted with females nearly as much. (As I understand it, there are many more females in computer science now, but when I was in collage, there were maybe 2 or 3 in total in any given CS class. At work, I think maybe 20% of the people working there are female.)

I can totally understand the fear that falling in love with your therapist could damage your marriage. It kinda happened that way for me, but in my case, I had stopped loving my husband years ago and wouldn't admit it to myself. Falling in love with my therapist helped me see that there are other people out there that can care about me and I'm not so stuck as I felt. My T is more then twice my age, so it feels more like grandfather/granddaughter rather then potential marriage material.

On the other hand, I recently had to find a new person to handle my meds. The person I was refereed to is female and I was really super uncomfortable with that initially. However, she's managed to help me get past that and has become a really super ally to me. It gives me hope that maybe I can get along with other females after all

Having said all that, should I need to look for another therapist, I'd probably want a male again. I think that gender in a therapist is important, but is a personal thing and certainly not the same for everyone.

I chose a female T because I wanted a gentler ride!! I have a history of emotional affairs (not with Ts) and I just really wanted a rest from the roller coaster of feeling that way again, or the risk of it. I have had sexual relationships with women in the past but my attractions are much less likely to 'fall' in that direction these days.

Of course, it's still a roller coaster... and I can feel the transference happening - I'm obsessing about therapy big time, and I feel myself starting to reach out for my T and test the security of the relationship. But it feels safer because my sexual feelings are not engaged, and at the moment that's what I need - respite, and the chance to have someone with me to look at that process (of attraction) from the outside, rather than the inside with all the risk entailed there. I think working with that process from the inside would be incredibly rich, fertile ground, though, especially if you are someone with a lot of 'charge' inside you about one gender or the process of sexual attraction.

Amazon, I'm not sure but I think that there's a way of looking at all feelings we have for other people as transference - we learn to feel with our first caregivers, and we always have to reference or build on that knowledge in feeling for others. I think that's part of what makes love relationships so mysterious and powerful - but for me it would be nice to learn more about my process on this so that it's a bit LESS mysterious and powerful (aka uncontrolled and life-upturning!).

Great question Amazon! and a fascinating discussion. My first therapist, who I saw on and off for over 20 years until she retired, was a woman. Between being abused and abandoned by my dad NO WAY was I going to go to a male therapist. I honestly think it was too threatening. Which was actually a little strange as I work in a male-dominated field (my degree is in electrical engineering and I have worked both as an engineer and as a technical writer for a software company) and most of my friends in both HS and college were guys. I am often more comfortable hanging out with men than I am with woman. But I trust women more easily.

My present therapist is male and I do not think I would ever have considered seeing a male therapist if I had not first learned to trust him/feel connected/attracted to him in couples counseling. It seemed the logical move when my first T retired; however, it ended up being very complicated making the switch because he was my husband's T first but it eventually worked out. For me, it has been extremely important, if not crucial, that I worked with a male T. Working with a female T allowed me to avoid a lot of issues because those issues grew straight out of my relationship with my dad. It was also with my present T that I was able to identify my attachment issues which were pivotal in allowing me to make so much progress in the last few years. But as far as the atachment stuff, I'm not sure that it was so much a gender issue as an experience/knowledge issue. But I do know that I have gone places and looked at things with my present T that I would not have done if I had never gone to see a male, so for me it was important to do both. If I had not first seen a woman I would never have been able to handle seeing a male, and I needed to see a male to actually deal with some of my stuff.

Amazon, as far as transference is concerned, I use that to refer to our relationship templates that we formed as children. Essentially we learn what relationships are like and what we expect to happen based on our early significant relationships (usually our parents). Whether these are good or bad, they are familiar and they are what we tend to recognize. So when we are attracted to someone (in the broader sense, not just romantic/erotic) it is usually because we recognize a way of relating so they "light" up for us OR when we interact, we see something we didn't have and long to get our unmet needs met, which I think is where the intensity can come from. We do this in all our relationships to a certain extent. I know that I recognized a long pattern of relationships in which I felt the way I did with my T but this time I had someone committed to my needs who was willing to talk about and explore all my feelings about him without running away or getting uncomfortable. So it's not so much that I'm feeling differently than how I do outside of therapy but that in therapy I can finally look at and uderstand. In doing so, there have been many times that the feelings have led me to things in my past. But I am also very clear that some of my feelings are due to the hear and know. I think my T is a good looking man and I love his intellectual curiosity. And even after having worked through a lot of the stuff springing from the past, I still have deep feelings for him and find him attractive. But the intensity is not as bad nor does it choke me as often. So its all real, the difference is what you do with it.

One more thing though. I do keep in mind that there is so much I don't know about my T because its all about my needs and let's face it someone who is only worried about you has a great advantage over someone who also needs to have their needs met which means every one else in your life. I'm sure when my T is in his personal life he probably doesn't seem quite so wonderful. When I have really struggled with idealizing him I have often wished for just 15 mintues with his wife. I have a feeling she would set me straight about his "perfection."

AG

I have had a female T and a male T and a male P. I think for me I need the male T/P. I have had transference towards most older men in authority positions over me (teachers, principals, pastors etc.) so I think working with a male T and working through it is the only way I am going to learn why I do that and its the only way I can learn to be honest with me-by actually having to be honest with a male T.

I also like being around males more which we have come to realize in therapy that its because I am constantly looking for that perfect dad that I want to come take care of me and make everything is okay and someone that can make me feel safe for once. I dont look for that in females and part of the reason is that my mom that adopted me was the perfect mom and even though she died when I was four, to me she was perfect and I dont need a mom to take her place. I did not have a perfect or even great dad and I am always looking for someone to take his place or be that perfect dad for me. It would be the best thing in the world to me if anyone of my male T's or P would have adopted me and took care of me and been my perfect daddy. And to work through all this and heal it must be done with a male.

I do sometimes wonder about the whole emotional affair thing since I am married but I am continuing to trust that I am doing the right thing and I am not cheating on my husband and that my P will make sure I dont cross any lines. And he is good about encouraging me to discuss everything with my husband to keep from having that happen. But it does sometimes feel that way when I am being honest about the feelings and thoughts I have about my P.

I recently had this conversation with my T! I have a male T and I chose a male T deliberately because I don't trust women professionals and never use women for anything in my life, doctors, dentists, accountants, lawyers etc. If I go down the names in the yellow pages I just immediatlely skip all female names and won't even consider them. I'm not sure why either. I can only think that it is due to my abusive relationship with my mother. I have also worked as a subordinate under female executives and they have all treated me badly and have abandoned and betrayed me at various times. And so... I have no use for them and would never be able to make myself vulnerable in the presence of a female T. I tried to explain all of this to my male T when he suggested that I may want to explore using EMDR therapy and he knew a female who he could refer me to who worked in that field. I just said NO and would not discuss it. He seemed pretty shocked by my vehemence over this.

As for my transference with my male T (and I don't like the word) it mostly feels paternal and I now understand that most of it comes from my own attachment injury. I don't feel guilty at all about my loving feelings for him because I can keep them in the context of therapy and understand that they are normal. As for touch in therapy...there have been some hugs, handshakes and shoulder pats but I found them to be very healing and not threatening in any way or misleading. I feel that what I've discovered is "safe touch" and that I can get a hug from a male without him expecting anything else. Of course I did not go near him for a year and then for another long while it was only an occassional handshake. Let me add also that we have discussed touch and what it means to me and how I feel about it so we are clear. My T does enforce boundaries.

I trust my T very much to always look out for me and put my best interests first. I am glad I found him and I don't think I would ever be able to have such an intimate relationship with a female T. Too many negative experiences.

Great topic Amazon.

TN