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9 replies

Maternal Transference?

Z zimmermanMember
Let me give you some background about me before I ask my question. Sorry for the lack of brevity.

I had a rather bad childhood-not as bad as most I have heard about on TV but a lot worse than anyone else I know. I don't want to elaborate on that.

I have been suffering from severe depression, loneliness, social anxiety and insomnia for about a decade (I am 24). I have difficulty interacting with people. I did not know what to do about this until I came to the US as a grad student couple of years ago. When life started becoming unbearable I went to the counselling services at my school. I have this probably unreasonable fear that people whom I love are going to leave me. Anyway, I have been seeing this therapist at the counselling services for about a year. I am 24 years old and my therapist looks like she is in her forties.

I have this unbearable longing for motherly affection from her. Talking to her is very comforting although its just once in a few weeks and it gives me just enough motivation to keep going with life.
I am not obsessed with her or anything. I have never hugged anyone other than those 'free hugs' people in the street. Once during a particularly difficult time for me, I longed for a hug from her. Thats probably the farthest my thought had gone. I killed that thought somehow. I sort of tell myself that I am not worthy of things when I find myself wishing for things that I can't possibly get. I do long for the the comforting motherly caring words from her.

I haven't talked to her about these thoughts because I was afraid that this would freak her out. I am afraid that I would loose the only help I can get at this point.

I haven't had any attachments with anyone (although I have always wanted to have some good friends and family). I feel scared that people who get close to me will abandon me one day. I stopped going to therapy because of feeling attached to the therapist. Then depression worsened and started showing effects on my physical health and I started going to therapy again.

I get the feeling that I am just going to get hurt by going to therapy. So my question is whether I should stop going to therapy or not.
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blackbirdblackbirdMember
Welcome zimmerman...cool name, btw...

I just wanted to welcome you here, and second what dragonfly and Monte and STRM said... (or fourth it? Big Grin)

I think it would be good if you could find the courage to tell your T about the feelings you are having. Her response will go a long way towards telling you whether or not she can help you. I too experience the strong attachment towards my T, and he doesn't reject me for it. In fact he lately told me not to worry about it! That is a big one for me, since I thought I was supposed to try to move away from it. So now I try not to worry about it, but it is hard to do the work of therapy, and when you feel attached, it is that much harder...and in some ways, that much more neccessary. I think this is a common reaction (a terribly painful, but common reaction) among theraputic clients, and I think T's expect to see a lot of it. that doesn't make it hurt any less, but it is there for a reason, zimmerman...it is there to tell you some more about yourself and the past, for one thing...and it is there for other reasons as well. Try, not to be afraid of the pain it involves, but rather, to look and see, what is this all about...and you can grow from it. I too long for a hug from my T. that is all normal,as others on here will tell you, part of your wounded past. I am sorry for the pan of that past, you did not deserve. But very good, for going to therapy and trying to heal from it. I know how hard it can be. I just wanted to offer you some support.

Your second cyber hug: (((((Zimmerman)))))

BB
Z zimmermanMember
hello everyone,
thanks a lot for your advices.

I understand that it is considered unethical for professionals to come to a personal relationships with former clients. I can't imagine my therapist (or for that matter anyone) having the slightest of reason to want to be friends with a dull and boring person like me.
I will be leaving this place where I study in a few years. So there is not even a question of a real friendly relationship with her. But is it bad even to expect to keep in touch?
I like to think that that is okay.

I can talk to my therapist about maternal transference issues. But I can't see what she could possibly tell me that could heal that pain. Anyway, I can live with the fact that she isn't my mother. There are so many wishes in a life that remain just wishes. This just adds one more to it. I guess I'll think about it for sometime and then gradually forget about it.

But I can't imagine how I can just get away from a person who has helped me so much in the most stressful times of my life. I indirectly mentioned this thought to her. And she said that the therapy will not end abruptly and there will be a termination phase towards the end.
Does that mean she is going to be behave rudely towards the end, so that I wont feel sorry about terminating therapy?? Is that the idea???
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
Welcome to the forums zimmerman! Big Grin I'm sorry for the pain you've been through in your life, and glad you are trying to heal in therapy. And glad you are here. Smiler

I'd like to second what everyone else said, that I hope you find a way to bring up your feelings of longing for motherly affection in the therapy. We all of us know how you feel. It is scary, I know...but that's what is coming up for you. And the fact that you are trying to "kill" it, that you quit therapy last time because of it, only seems to point even more to it being exactly what you need to look at. Is there some way you can ask your T in general, has she ever worked with anyone with attachment injuries (which it sounds like you probably have)? That might be a "safe" way to find out whether it is safe enough for you to tell her more.

I'd also like to second what Draggers said...I certainly hope your T won't terminate by driving you off with poor behavior. IMO that would be terribly unprofessional, a kind of mind game, and very hurtful for you. Do you think you can ask her more specifically what will "happen" during the termination phase?

Take care,
SG
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
quote:
And she said that the therapy will not end abruptly and there will be a termination phase towards the end.
Does that mean she is going to be behave rudely towards the end, so that I wont feel sorry about terminating therapy?? Is that the idea???


Hi Zimmerman,
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you posted. You've gotten some great responses so I just wanted to address your worry about the "termination phase." It's really the complete opposite of what you fear. Therapists (at least the good ones) really get just how significant ending a therapy relationship (or even taking a long pause) can be and they treat it with respect. Often, deciding to stop going to therapy will kick up issues that wouldn't come up otherwise (that's been true for me, I'm in the process of stretching out my sessions) and the termination phase is all about giving you time to process any feelings or issues that come up as a result of saying goodbye and also a time to reflect on the relationship and what you've gained from it so that you can take it with you so to speak. It's a time for you to learn that the relationship stays intact even if you're not seeing the person regularly. And terminating should be a mutually agreed upon thing, not your T driving you out by being rude. Smiler I know it sounds terrifying (what shrink had the great idea of using such a horrible word to describe it?!?) but it's actually a very respectful, caring thing to do to help you get through something that's inherently difficult.

AG
Z zimmermanMember
hi everyone, thanks a lot for your kind words of advice.
I finally told my therapist about things that were in my mind. To my surprise, she was not surprised at all. She said it was healthy and perfectly fine thought to have. I asked her if I could at least keep in touch with her after therapy. She did not have any problems with that but she said its going to be formal at least for several years. Oh! those were the greatest things I ever heard. I had the happiest week ever.
I get a call from the receptionist at her office a week later saying that my next appointment has been cancelled. I call them a week later and I hear that she is gonna be away indefinitely and that I am gonna be helped in order to find another therapist and they would not tell me what happened to her. And keeps repeating this when I ask for details.
I feel terrible, lost and silly and stupid. I am sure that something terrible might have happened. But they would not tell me what happened. I don't even know if she is gonna be back.
J jillMember
quote:
The feelings you have never go away, but your coping skills increase and you can lead a very satisfying life. It all depends on what you want out of life. Do you want to remain a victim or do you want to be strong and overcome? Not saying you are a victim, but that is just an example of a question you may or may not need to ask yourself at some point. There are so many people out there who remain in a learned helpless state and they never improve. The only way they know how to engage the world is through a lens of pain.



pg, your words are so wise, i have read and reread them. mightly smart stuff.

a book a t friend of mine recommended, and i haven't yet bought, but have on order is 'the resilient self'...i think that is what you are speaking of, pg, and i see that 'learned helplessness' stuff in my sister, and, to be honest, in this recent tailspin of mine, the instincts of that have kindof kicked in. that explains some of this attachment stuff that just doesn't sit with my brain when it is in a logical mode (which has been quite rare lately, since t3 gave me the boot), but, i dunno...'resilient' versus 'dependent'...i am going to try my damndest to do resilient.

it is just when those old attachment wounds are at the drivers seat and the rest of me just panics and lets go of the wheel of my life and the kid crashes me into a wall....and the panic for the fear of this happening...

good advice everyone here, i am going to try to take some of it myself!!!

hang in there, zimmerman...keep posting, some really smart people on here. jill
Z zimmermanMember
I don't know why she did not even care to tell me before she left. I feel terrible. They don't even tell me if she is gonna be back.
She did not reply to my email. I wish she had at least told me via email. My mind is so occupied with the thought of loosing her that I keep looking for her everywhere around me, in the cars, streets, hallways of the university, hoping that I would get to meet her and may be ask what had happened. I feel lost and alone and incapable of doing anything. I feel helpless and have a constant urge to cry. I can't even tell this to any of my colleagues or roommates coz I don't think anyone would understand. I feel like I am leading two lives ..... I hear people and I smile and give mechanical replies. I feel so tired of life .....
J jillMember
zimmy, this is all just transference stuff speaking to you. i am NOT trying to minimize the ALARM you are feeling, but, hoping to let you see some perspective. i don't intend to not be KIND, but, i have had some real TERRORS lately, that, fortunately, my husband has been able to tell me i have gone down the TRANSFERENCE/MOMMY ISSUES ALARM TRAIN, that it ISN'T the reality i am attributing it to. i've been there, in tears last week with the same stuff (and i am more than twice your age...) so hang in, slow down, don't panic. slow it all down and breathe. i know how occupied your mind is, and i have no idea why they handled it like they did. there MAY be a good reason. who knows, but don't take it personally, and if you have a trusted friend, great, talk. i have found the fewer people i share it with the better i am able to 'cope' as, (i feel) the fewer people who know i am such a mess inside...kind of the 'fake it til you make it' mode sometimes works best, and you will make it. hang on, slow down, and keep things steady. kind of, like, if you are on a boat in rough waters, just focus on the horizon, and don't focus TOO much over the sides!! hang on, jill

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