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Hey Ninn,
My T used to say things like that and I told him not too long ago that I need him to hold me tight and push me to grow at the same time. I need to feel that he's there for me, that he has me encased in some tight protective circle in order to feel safe. It's in this environment that I feel I can grow.
So, I'm wondering if you can be straight up with your T and tell her what you need. You aren't being direct and she is just responding to what you are saying and not what you need to hear.
Just a thought. I've been there and it sucks.
Hugs,
Liese
My T used to say things like that and I told him not too long ago that I need him to hold me tight and push me to grow at the same time. I need to feel that he's there for me, that he has me encased in some tight protective circle in order to feel safe. It's in this environment that I feel I can grow.
So, I'm wondering if you can be straight up with your T and tell her what you need. You aren't being direct and she is just responding to what you are saying and not what you need to hear.
Just a thought. I've been there and it sucks.
Hugs,
Liese
quote:You aren't being direct and she is just responding to what you are saying and not what you need to hear.
Thanks Liese,
You are right, that I'm not being direct about what I need. This is my problem in most relationships, unfortunately. Many times I don't know how I feel, what I think, or how to put the two together.
I have no idea what I need from T. I told her 2 times towards the end of the session Wednesday that, "I'm just trying to figure this all out in my head."
I didn't start therapy for my "primary diagnosis" of personality disorder, so I have been way confused about therapy for awhile, but especially since beginning of January when she told me what "treatment" she was doing with me. I don't think I really understand the treatment, yet, for personality disorder. I got comfortable just using therapy for a "vent session" before, but eventually realized that isn't what I should be doing, or what she was doing.
My feelings for her are confusing. Maybe I finally "get" maternal transference. I definitely could never tell my mom what I needed, because I was a burden to her. I definitely get like this with T even more when I am in a child-like state....which started in December, for the most part. Ugh.
Thanks for listening and for the advise, Liese.
<3 Ninn
(((((NINN)))))
I wish it was easier. I know it's not. Not for me either. Though I am finding that being direct even when it's hard usually pays off. Sometimes not. But usually.
xoxoxo
Liese
I wish it was easier. I know it's not. Not for me either. Though I am finding that being direct even when it's hard usually pays off. Sometimes not. But usually.
xoxoxo
Liese
Hi Ninn,
I see a lot of myself in what you've written, and bizarrely, my T sounds like a lot like yours as well. I often think of taking a break or quitting altogether, because I am frustrated nearly always in therapy, and it feels like it's clouding my judgment overall. At the same time, actually leaving feels impossible. I'm curious to know what develops for you.
This sounds like a huge step, so bravo for that. I'm in awe of your bravery!
Keep us updated, and good luck...
effed
I see a lot of myself in what you've written, and bizarrely, my T sounds like a lot like yours as well. I often think of taking a break or quitting altogether, because I am frustrated nearly always in therapy, and it feels like it's clouding my judgment overall. At the same time, actually leaving feels impossible. I'm curious to know what develops for you.
quote:And it isn't long, just 12 days. (or longer if I decide to cancel more sessions) I'm doing it on my own free-will, that's a first for me.
This sounds like a huge step, so bravo for that. I'm in awe of your bravery!
Keep us updated, and good luck...
effed
It sounds tough.
I would be tempted to be very straight with her if it were me. And if it were me, this is what I would phone her up and say:
1. I want and need you like I needed my mom who also wasn\t really there for me
2. My mom would also be disinterested if I withdrew for a while.
3. I feel you did not care whether I came or not
4. I want you to care.
5. My reactions to you are very much like my reactions to my mom: pretend I don't care but really wish you DID care. but hide my hurt and confusion.
6. Don't you LIKE me enough to really want to inspire me to come here and open up?
But all those would be my stuff in your situation - so I don't know if any of it helps you.
I would be tempted to be very straight with her if it were me. And if it were me, this is what I would phone her up and say:
1. I want and need you like I needed my mom who also wasn\t really there for me
2. My mom would also be disinterested if I withdrew for a while.
3. I feel you did not care whether I came or not
4. I want you to care.
5. My reactions to you are very much like my reactions to my mom: pretend I don't care but really wish you DID care. but hide my hurt and confusion.
6. Don't you LIKE me enough to really want to inspire me to come here and open up?
But all those would be my stuff in your situation - so I don't know if any of it helps you.
Sorry it took so long to reply back.
effed, hi.
It does sound like we are in a similar situation, with our thoughts. I think I want to say, "I'm sorry," because it is very confusing, sometimes painful for me, and maybe you, too?
It is huge. After reading that, I was like, yeah, this is like taking a step away from my mom for a bit and processing, yet a big step. And, it WILL be okay.
Sadly, hi.
I'm printing your list and using it! Hope you don't mind. Thank you for taking the time to help me with this.
effed, hi.
It does sound like we are in a similar situation, with our thoughts. I think I want to say, "I'm sorry," because it is very confusing, sometimes painful for me, and maybe you, too?
It is huge. After reading that, I was like, yeah, this is like taking a step away from my mom for a bit and processing, yet a big step. And, it WILL be okay.
Sadly, hi.
I'm printing your list and using it! Hope you don't mind. Thank you for taking the time to help me with this.
Oh I soooo get what you are feeling Ninn. I really feel for you, and I only hope your T understands you more after you have been more open and honest with them. Thinking of you.
hey Ninn, i totally relate with you. when i have something big to bring up it's so hard to transition from "normal" life and instantaneouly delve into your deepest feelings. i've wasted plenty of time by waiting to get into the groove of the therapy hour before bringing up the important stuff. and i get your anger about her putting your question back to you ... you want to know what T thinks and i think that's legit. maybe she's trying to get you to believe in yourself, though. i guess if you think you need to be there then maybe you can be helped, but if you don't think you need to be there then what's the point, how would you ever change? it's got to come from inside of you. wow. i am struggling with the same issues you are and i long to hear T say "yes, i do think you need to be here". and i don't know why but i kind of feel ashamed at the child in me that longs to hear that. it embarasses me and so i don't talk about it but i know i need to. and why in the world would i even WANT somebody to think i NEED therapy? that seems messed up to me big time. ugh. it is difficult, isn't it? i think some of it maybe is by being messed up it kind of sets me apart from others, makes me special somehow ... in my own messed up brain, anyway.
i'm not sure i agree with her statement that you shouldn't have anxiety in her office. seems to me that's what you're there to deal with, not negate it. i almost always feel anxious prior to a session, and it eases up over the course of the hour but never entirely goes away. but we look at that and talk about it cuz i think that's what we're supposed to do in order to deal with it. talk. i'm with you ... i very fond of my T (can't say the L word ... not yet anyway) but often the anxiety makes me want to not go to therapy. i know how hard it can be. big hugs to you Ninn.
my session this past friday i told him part of my anxiety of coming in (it's always something) was that i am beginning to feel like i don't know what i'm doing in therapy. i told him i feel like i'm standing in a corner and he's standing in front of me blocking my way and part of me really likes the attention but part of me can hardly stand it and i want to flee. he said i deserve the attention ((((T)))) and that it's probably doing me good. i don't know, but maybe that's part of your uneasiness, is your conflicted with wanting to be there and at the same time struggling with your intense feelings (they ARE intense and uncomfortable)! i suggest sharing your post with her if you can't verbalize it. no matter what you decide i wish you the best. take a month off if you need to (maybe you do need to and it's okay), but i hope you stick it out cuz it sounds like it's stuff worth unbottling. best to you.
i'm not sure i agree with her statement that you shouldn't have anxiety in her office. seems to me that's what you're there to deal with, not negate it. i almost always feel anxious prior to a session, and it eases up over the course of the hour but never entirely goes away. but we look at that and talk about it cuz i think that's what we're supposed to do in order to deal with it. talk. i'm with you ... i very fond of my T (can't say the L word ... not yet anyway) but often the anxiety makes me want to not go to therapy. i know how hard it can be. big hugs to you Ninn.
my session this past friday i told him part of my anxiety of coming in (it's always something) was that i am beginning to feel like i don't know what i'm doing in therapy. i told him i feel like i'm standing in a corner and he's standing in front of me blocking my way and part of me really likes the attention but part of me can hardly stand it and i want to flee. he said i deserve the attention ((((T)))) and that it's probably doing me good. i don't know, but maybe that's part of your uneasiness, is your conflicted with wanting to be there and at the same time struggling with your intense feelings (they ARE intense and uncomfortable)! i suggest sharing your post with her if you can't verbalize it. no matter what you decide i wish you the best. take a month off if you need to (maybe you do need to and it's okay), but i hope you stick it out cuz it sounds like it's stuff worth unbottling. best to you.
Sadly, you seem amazingly brave to me. thanks for your insightful posts and for being so very open.
born2write, hi.
I hope so, too. Sometimes I gaze into her eyes and feel like she doesn't get me at all, and I feel so alone. Maybe that is how I have felt all these years with my mom. I know I've looked into my mom's eyes and hoped she would 'get me.' I really don't want to go back to T, and therapy, until I can openly talk about my feelings, and not just sit there scared and frozen.
closed doors, hi. Thanks so much for responding. It helps to know I'm not alone, and to have someone to talk this out with (H gets so tired of hearing any of it).
I have done this exact thing with my T over the past 20 months! I've even said to her, "What is wrong with me?" And, she would say, "What, cuz you're depressed?"
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quote:I only hope your T understands you more after you have been more open and honest
I hope so, too. Sometimes I gaze into her eyes and feel like she doesn't get me at all, and I feel so alone. Maybe that is how I have felt all these years with my mom. I know I've looked into my mom's eyes and hoped she would 'get me.' I really don't want to go back to T, and therapy, until I can openly talk about my feelings, and not just sit there scared and frozen.
closed doors, hi. Thanks so much for responding. It helps to know I'm not alone, and to have someone to talk this out with (H gets so tired of hearing any of it).
quote:my session this past friday i told him part of my anxiety of coming in (it's always something) was that i am beginning to feel like i don't know what i'm doing in therapy
I have done this exact thing with my T over the past 20 months! I've even said to her, "What is wrong with me?" And, she would say, "What, cuz you're depressed?"
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Ninn, I dunno if I am butting in here but I think I'm kind of having an issue with your T. I don't think she's being necessarily bad, but I also don't think she's being as effective as she could be. Maybe this is just my bias, but I think if someone comes into therapy with concrete problems in the present that are making life difficult (like your stuff with medical appts.), then your T should focus on finding ways to improve those things *right away* rather than delving into treating a "personality disorder" before life is even vaguely livable as it is, right?
That is what I love about my new T and why I'm so glad I switched. With my old T, she had no intake paperwork, and so no specific goals were ever established for my therapy. Thus it ended up being kind of unpredictable, uncontained, anxiety producing, and not as useful as it could have been. With my new T, I came in basically saying I wanted three main things out of therapy right now:
1) Being less reactive with DH when he triggers my PTSD-type stuff
2) To feel secure enough to get out in the world more and stop living under a rock
3) To feel more clarity about my next step in life.
So far, T has been of real, concrete help in all three areas and I am starting to see noticeable improvement. She didn't just listen. As great as listening is, that would not have been enough to get me fast results. She gave me actual, practical ideas for how to deal with things, such as how to ground myself when I start to get triggered, or how to notice when I start getting triggered before I'm at the point of screaming bloody murder. She created a safe enough environment in therapy itself that I've come to view my sessions as a safe island in my week rather than a source of stress in themselves. She's been pretty helpful in getting me to be more aware of my anxiety levels and being able to bring them down.
Anxiety and being unable to deal with basic life stuff like medical appointments ARE NOT symptoms of ANY personality disorder, they are PTSD symptoms. But many other symptoms of PTSD can be mistaken for personality disorder symptoms. So it just makes more sense to treat the PTSD stuff first and afterwards see what else might be left.
As far as I know, there are two main types of therapy which specifically are designed to treat trauma: EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (and the related somatic therapies.) Of those two, I understand that EMDR is potentially faster but a bit less gentle and has somewhat more potential for retraumatization if it isn't handled correctly.
This is not to say I think you should permanently leave your T, but what would it be like to find a T who specializes in one of those above areas, and specifically target only the most urgently problematic issues you are having? I can't speak too much about this, but I think if I were your T, I would start by working on grounding and resourcing until your overall anxiety level came down into a manageable range. THEN I would target the specific PTSD stuff. Only after you felt like your anxiety was controlled without meds and you could handle stuff in your daily life without breaking down crying, would I delve into any kind of deeper work than that.
Again, this is only my opinion, but I think that whenever possible, therapy should NOT be a source of anxiety and discomfort in itself, and you should be able to see some improvement from it right away. For people with disorganized attachment or whatever, it might be inevitable that the therapeutic relationship itself is a source of stress, but I think we've seen some good examples on this board of T's who are very good at managing those issues. My own T has dealt with my attachment stuff by being extremely available and reliable yet exquisitely unintrusive, steady, and attuned to what makes me more or less comfortable. I don't think anyone in therapy should be left to just "deal with" their own transference or attachment stuff. I think T's should be actively looking for ways to manage those things so that they can be processed very gradually without causing huge disturbances in the client's life.
So that's my ten cents. Yeah...
That is what I love about my new T and why I'm so glad I switched. With my old T, she had no intake paperwork, and so no specific goals were ever established for my therapy. Thus it ended up being kind of unpredictable, uncontained, anxiety producing, and not as useful as it could have been. With my new T, I came in basically saying I wanted three main things out of therapy right now:
1) Being less reactive with DH when he triggers my PTSD-type stuff
2) To feel secure enough to get out in the world more and stop living under a rock
3) To feel more clarity about my next step in life.
So far, T has been of real, concrete help in all three areas and I am starting to see noticeable improvement. She didn't just listen. As great as listening is, that would not have been enough to get me fast results. She gave me actual, practical ideas for how to deal with things, such as how to ground myself when I start to get triggered, or how to notice when I start getting triggered before I'm at the point of screaming bloody murder. She created a safe enough environment in therapy itself that I've come to view my sessions as a safe island in my week rather than a source of stress in themselves. She's been pretty helpful in getting me to be more aware of my anxiety levels and being able to bring them down.
Anxiety and being unable to deal with basic life stuff like medical appointments ARE NOT symptoms of ANY personality disorder, they are PTSD symptoms. But many other symptoms of PTSD can be mistaken for personality disorder symptoms. So it just makes more sense to treat the PTSD stuff first and afterwards see what else might be left.
As far as I know, there are two main types of therapy which specifically are designed to treat trauma: EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (and the related somatic therapies.) Of those two, I understand that EMDR is potentially faster but a bit less gentle and has somewhat more potential for retraumatization if it isn't handled correctly.
This is not to say I think you should permanently leave your T, but what would it be like to find a T who specializes in one of those above areas, and specifically target only the most urgently problematic issues you are having? I can't speak too much about this, but I think if I were your T, I would start by working on grounding and resourcing until your overall anxiety level came down into a manageable range. THEN I would target the specific PTSD stuff. Only after you felt like your anxiety was controlled without meds and you could handle stuff in your daily life without breaking down crying, would I delve into any kind of deeper work than that.
Again, this is only my opinion, but I think that whenever possible, therapy should NOT be a source of anxiety and discomfort in itself, and you should be able to see some improvement from it right away. For people with disorganized attachment or whatever, it might be inevitable that the therapeutic relationship itself is a source of stress, but I think we've seen some good examples on this board of T's who are very good at managing those issues. My own T has dealt with my attachment stuff by being extremely available and reliable yet exquisitely unintrusive, steady, and attuned to what makes me more or less comfortable. I don't think anyone in therapy should be left to just "deal with" their own transference or attachment stuff. I think T's should be actively looking for ways to manage those things so that they can be processed very gradually without causing huge disturbances in the client's life.
So that's my ten cents. Yeah...
BLT, thank you so much for giving me your ten cents! It means a lot you would take the time to help me.
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quote:Anxiety and being unable to deal with basic life stuff like medical appointments ARE NOT symptoms of ANY personality disorder, they are PTSD symptoms. But many other symptoms of PTSD can be mistaken for personality disorder symptoms.
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Oh, I didn't realize your T had already done EMDR with you. It kind of makes most of my last post irrelevant, sorry. But I think if EMDR helped you, then you should by all means continue with it as much as you need to.
Like you kind of said, I imagine you're more anxious with your T now because the transference and attachment have deepened, so more of your attachment and relational trauma are getting triggered. Could you do EMDR on those things? Or in the mean time is there something she could do to trigger those things less? Does she do anything specifically that makes you anxious? Do you need more distance in the relationship, or is it more like you need more reassurance? Maybe both?
Just some more things to ponder.
Like you kind of said, I imagine you're more anxious with your T now because the transference and attachment have deepened, so more of your attachment and relational trauma are getting triggered. Could you do EMDR on those things? Or in the mean time is there something she could do to trigger those things less? Does she do anything specifically that makes you anxious? Do you need more distance in the relationship, or is it more like you need more reassurance? Maybe both?
Just some more things to ponder.
Blt, I'm on iPod touch now so can't type a lot, but don't apologize, please. Your post helped me think back, think overall, and reorganize my thoughts about therapy and my therapist. Thank you!
hey Ninn, been thinking more about this. i told T i didn't know what i was doing any more in therapy and he actually came up with a 'suggestion' or two, then said "you can take a break from therapy, or if you want to just push it out a month, or if you just want to come in and talk whenever ... anything you decide is fine". then i said "i am an adult but i just want you to tell me what to do" and we went off and talked about some other related stuff, then he came back and said "you should come back in two weeks" (i currently come in every 2 weeks). and i was relieved that he said that ... he said what i hoped he would say. but you know what? it's 4 days later and now i'm thinking "he just said that to make me happy". because that's the way my brain works. i don't know, but i wonder if you would have the same issue. no matter what T would have said i would have figured out a way to doubt the sincerity. i would have figured out a way to push him away. cuz that's just the way my brain works. something for you to think about maybe. hope it helps shed some light. best to you!
quote:when i have something big to bring up it's so hard to transition from "normal" life and instantaneouly delve into your deepest feelings. i've wasted plenty of time by waiting to get into the groove of the therapy hour before bringing up the important stuff. and i get your anger about her putting your question back to you ... you want to know what T thinks and i think that's legit.
Totally!
closed doors, hi.
I agree, that probably no matter what she said or did, I would have been unsure and confused and doubt her sincerity.
I think it comes down to the fact that she is a T, and my intellectual self does want to know whether I "need" therapy in order to "get better." I totally respect her status as a psychologist. Parts of me do believe she knows me better than I know myself. I think her and I should really collaborate and re-work goals. I need to enter her office as an adult and stay present as an adult. I need to tell this 12 year old that keeps showing up to wait!
I do think T sees my personality as a "disorder" and I still can't grasp this. I know I have maladaptive behaviors. I wish she would just say "maladaptive behaviors" because that feels like something I can work on and change, with her help, and with H's help. My "personality disorder," well, that feels like a label, a bad one, a disorder I am stuck with. Whether or not I got it because of the way I was parented, I feel stuck in this label now and I can't shake it outta my head. If there are certain aspects of this disorder she thinks I need to work on, I think she should say so, not just sit there and be there, be accepting, be comforting, etc. Seems dumb to me. I did tell her last session that I was thinking about the "personality disorder" a lot, and yes, worried about it, but there wasn't enough time to talk more about it. Definitely something we have to do. I've already researched Personality Disorder NOS and wrote down all the personality traits I think I have within this disorder....guess her and I can compare notes....
This is where I think I will go with therapy on Monday, if I decide to go. I'm still not sure I'm ready to return. I might take more time off.
It has been so incredibly helpful to come here and talk to all of you!!! Thank you <3
I agree, that probably no matter what she said or did, I would have been unsure and confused and doubt her sincerity.
I think it comes down to the fact that she is a T, and my intellectual self does want to know whether I "need" therapy in order to "get better." I totally respect her status as a psychologist. Parts of me do believe she knows me better than I know myself. I think her and I should really collaborate and re-work goals. I need to enter her office as an adult and stay present as an adult. I need to tell this 12 year old that keeps showing up to wait!
I do think T sees my personality as a "disorder" and I still can't grasp this. I know I have maladaptive behaviors. I wish she would just say "maladaptive behaviors" because that feels like something I can work on and change, with her help, and with H's help. My "personality disorder," well, that feels like a label, a bad one, a disorder I am stuck with. Whether or not I got it because of the way I was parented, I feel stuck in this label now and I can't shake it outta my head. If there are certain aspects of this disorder she thinks I need to work on, I think she should say so, not just sit there and be there, be accepting, be comforting, etc. Seems dumb to me. I did tell her last session that I was thinking about the "personality disorder" a lot, and yes, worried about it, but there wasn't enough time to talk more about it. Definitely something we have to do. I've already researched Personality Disorder NOS and wrote down all the personality traits I think I have within this disorder....guess her and I can compare notes....
This is where I think I will go with therapy on Monday, if I decide to go. I'm still not sure I'm ready to return. I might take more time off.
It has been so incredibly helpful to come here and talk to all of you!!! Thank you <3
quote:I do think T sees my personality as a "disorder" and I still can't grasp this. I know I have maladaptive behaviors. I wish she would just say "maladaptive behaviors" because that feels like something I can work on and change, with her help, and with H's help. My "personality disorder," well, that feels like a label, a bad one, a disorder I am stuck with. Whether or not I got it because of the way I was parented, I feel stuck in this label now and I can't shake it outta my head. If there are certain aspects of this disorder she thinks I need to work on, I think she should say so, not just sit there and be there, be accepting, be comforting, etc. Seems dumb to me.
If this is how you really feel about it, maybe you should find someone specializing in CBT, because that is exactly what they would do: work on helping you change your maladaptive behaviors.
From where I'm standing though, it seems like PTSD and anxiety are kind of more of a pressing problem for you at this point.
I guess I'm going in on Monday, since I didn't cancel today.
Good luck Ninn! I will be rooting for you.
Thanks effed, it should be interesting, I have no idea where to take the session....sooooo many things on my mind <3
Hi, Ninn...I bjust wanted to chime in with my support- it seems like you are suffering a lot with many issues, and I hope that your Tcan help, and not hinder. I also, hope you H is supportive of your issues...it is so hard to have a child with health problems, and, hope that your H does not leave you to deal with these issues alones. Maybe I'm projecting, yet, you seem so alone, somehow to me. Well, I am not here much lately so I do not know your whole story, but I wish you very well!
hugs,
BB
hugs,
BB
BB, hi.
Thanks for your message!
This brought a lot of tears just now....
Maybe I'll just start with that on Monday. T, "I feel so very alone."
<3 Ninn
Thanks for your message!
quote:you seem so alone
This brought a lot of tears just now....
Maybe I'll just start with that on Monday. T, "I feel so very alone."
<3 Ninn
Just an update....
First, I'm proud of myself for making it the 12 days, in the manner in which I did. Active with my kids, talking to H, doing family activities, journaling, coming here, etc. I did rely on 1/2mg of Ativan daily, sometimes 2 times a day, but the PA said I could do 1mg no more than 3 times a day, so I'm doing good I think. (I'll see PA in two days, after a 5 week break from seeing her.)
I went to my session with T yesterday and it was a very productive session with hardly any anxiety. I didn't talk about my feelings for her or my (stupid) diagnosis.
Something came up during the break, that I HAD to talk to her about, so that is what I did, from 30 seconds in all the way to the end. It was a good session and I can't wait to go back Wednesday to have her help me some more with these unresolved feelings from that situation from 20 years ago, which is affecting my marriage and my life. It is really important I deal with this stuff right now because H wants to begin marriage therapy again.
The maternal stuff, the diagnosis stuff, when that comes up again, I'll face it.
I have been thankful for all your feedback. It has given me a lot to process and reflect on.
And, I think, if I thought I should, I could take another break, and if something does come up, journal and sit with it till I see her again....it was difficult, but do-able.
<3 Ninn
First, I'm proud of myself for making it the 12 days, in the manner in which I did. Active with my kids, talking to H, doing family activities, journaling, coming here, etc. I did rely on 1/2mg of Ativan daily, sometimes 2 times a day, but the PA said I could do 1mg no more than 3 times a day, so I'm doing good I think. (I'll see PA in two days, after a 5 week break from seeing her.)
I went to my session with T yesterday and it was a very productive session with hardly any anxiety. I didn't talk about my feelings for her or my (stupid) diagnosis.
Something came up during the break, that I HAD to talk to her about, so that is what I did, from 30 seconds in all the way to the end. It was a good session and I can't wait to go back Wednesday to have her help me some more with these unresolved feelings from that situation from 20 years ago, which is affecting my marriage and my life. It is really important I deal with this stuff right now because H wants to begin marriage therapy again.
The maternal stuff, the diagnosis stuff, when that comes up again, I'll face it.
I have been thankful for all your feedback. It has given me a lot to process and reflect on.
And, I think, if I thought I should, I could take another break, and if something does come up, journal and sit with it till I see her again....it was difficult, but do-able.
<3 Ninn
Well done Ninn - such positive comments. You did so well to get thru those 12 days.
Somedays, thank you!
I've deleted some of my posts as I have given a lot of info, that I kind of don't want to be out there.
I saw T again today. She was pretty sick on Monday, having a difficult time talking, I could tell. At the reception desk, on Monday, I was asked if I wanted to cancel if I was germ-a-phobic because T was sick....I must have looked shocked and the gal said, but she's here, and took my copay.
Anyway, today I asked her if she was feeling better. She said she was. She said Monday she only saw me and cancelled all her other sessions because of her bronchitis and it being too hard to talk. She thanked me for asking. I felt bad....and in a way, thought, we could have taken that conversation further. Like, why didn't she cancel with me. Was she afraid I'd fall apart....
Anyway....
Today we talked about H and my problems again....I guess in prep for going back to M-T next Wednesday....and how the stuff that triggered (came up) during the past month will affect my marriage and therapy and how to deal with it....and I didn't get awhole lot of anywhere with it, except a lot to think about. And a feeling of sadness....
At least the focus is totally off maternal transference....I'm feeling nothing for T, besides a safe place to talk, and that is GOOD because that other love, ache, longing, maternal stuff is painful for me! So, the break must have helped me, that's my conclusion.
I've deleted some of my posts as I have given a lot of info, that I kind of don't want to be out there.
I saw T again today. She was pretty sick on Monday, having a difficult time talking, I could tell. At the reception desk, on Monday, I was asked if I wanted to cancel if I was germ-a-phobic because T was sick....I must have looked shocked and the gal said, but she's here, and took my copay.
Anyway, today I asked her if she was feeling better. She said she was. She said Monday she only saw me and cancelled all her other sessions because of her bronchitis and it being too hard to talk. She thanked me for asking. I felt bad....and in a way, thought, we could have taken that conversation further. Like, why didn't she cancel with me. Was she afraid I'd fall apart....
Anyway....
Today we talked about H and my problems again....I guess in prep for going back to M-T next Wednesday....and how the stuff that triggered (came up) during the past month will affect my marriage and therapy and how to deal with it....and I didn't get awhole lot of anywhere with it, except a lot to think about. And a feeling of sadness....
At least the focus is totally off maternal transference....I'm feeling nothing for T, besides a safe place to talk, and that is GOOD because that other love, ache, longing, maternal stuff is painful for me! So, the break must have helped me, that's my conclusion.
Ninn, i'm glad your emotions seem to be evening out. they can be awefully intense and consuming and make life really difficult. i'm glad you're hanging in with your T, too ... it seems like you've invested a lot of time with her and it would be sad to just drop it for good or have to start all over again with someone else. i hope you can continue to work together so you can reach whatever goals you have in order to live a happier life. as far as cancelling everybody else and keeping your appt ... after what you've been through the last few weeks i'd be tempted to just embrace that and go ahead and feel special ... cuz you are! it's nice to hear taking time off helped ... i've been considering it but am afraid i'd either never go back or that the time off would be unbearably long, making for more intense feelings. take care of yourself!!