It may mean responsibility for your own actions now. That your parents did not take responsibility over their behavior.

As an example of myself, there are some things I would do with others, or with myself, that were hurtful. Even though those things were products of the past, products of my parent's irresponsibility... It is my job to take responsibility now. It's like not being a victim of your problems. Example, I have an ED... And it's unfortunately my responsibility to change it... And no one else. I can't wish it away, my parents can't take responsibility and it magically fade... No matter how it happened, I have it and have to take responsibility to change it rather than do what my parents did and take out their sadness on me rather than owning it.

My T has not said the same thing but has saidy parents will not, have not and probably won't or can't take responsibility for themselves or reactions. She also says it sucks that I'm, and other abused people... Have to do the hard work of healing that someone else didn't bother to.

I know that sometimes what your T says can be hard and confusing but I've been there too. My first T told me once that I had to take responsibility for the way I react to topics related to my father. He told me that my father was never going to apologize for what happened when I was little and the only thing I could do, was take control of my emotions and try to move on.

Maybe your T is trying to say the same thing. My T now is always (although I hate it!) pointing out that I am blaming my moods on other peoples actions. (It's part of my codependancy) I feel a lot of the time like he's being mean, picking on me and it's frustrating.

But he told me, "It's my job to confront you responsibly about your actions." I know it seems heartless to say that others will not be there to take responsibility for you but sometimes that's true. My T said that I will never find closure if I wait for others to give it to me. I have to find it and learn to forgive myself and love myself to find happiness. It seems like they hurt us because they ask us to do things we don't want to, but they are trying to help. Please reconsider not seeing him anymore. It's hard to be challenged over our personal lives but they do it to help us. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness and they are there to teach us that.

(((TAS))I'm sorry you are bumping heads with your T. As you already know Therapy is tough business. There is a lot of emotions and feelings to get through, so go easy and take baby steps, so you can absorb what you need to do to by "accepting responsibility for the truth". As hard and angering as it is, your T is being honest with you and cares about you. Kick, scream, yell, whatever it takes to accept that you have to and will get through this, by accepting what has happened to you, and yes it was unfair as it gets, but it cannot be undone!
Your T knows that by giving it to you straight and honest, then you can work on acknowledging that this happened and it cannot be undone. What can be changed is you accepting what happened to you, and knowing that by deciding to move forward gives you the chance of stepping over your anger and bad memories, and moving on to a brighter future. I was also abused as a child, and I'm angry too, but the one thing that keeps me moving forward is that if I continue to be angry and not change myself, my abusers still have control over me, and I refuse to let that happen!!!! TAS, please don't give up on your T, he really is doing the right thing for you. Give yourself the time you need to see this, and trust him as much as you can, and keep talking with him. Fight hard for all the good things you deserve, and start by continuing to see your T, and accepting his honest care. Please let us know how your doing.

TAS, I've left many sessions being so pissed off and could not make sense of any of this therapy stuff. I would be crying as I would walk down the stairs to my car, totally hating T. I thought to myself, I don't need this shit and I am never coming back....but I always went back because I knew it was important to trust the process even though I did not understand it. Usually, when we are pissed off a nerve deep inside was struck. It sounds like you need more time to process the session. Don't stop seeing him. Plough through this. Work with him, not against him. It will be worth it. He sounds like a good T.

I thank each of you for your reply but as I am reading the replies - all that keeps running through my head is: "I never, ever, ever want to see him ever, ever, ever again."

I know it is so childlike but I feel as if he is being so mean to me. So very mean.

I promise to reply a little later when I am in a better place...it may be a little while. Thank you for understanding and thank you for sharing your experiences. I assure you - the words you shared did not fall on deaf ears.

All the best,
T.

Hi, TAS.

I'm not trying to add fuel to the fire, but it is true -- Ts say friggin' hard things a lot of time. My T has said pretty much the same thing. Again. And again. And again. Because I reflexively kick it away. Just today I asked if he intentionally had to be so blunt in describing stuff from my childhood because it was -- serious understatement here -- uncomfortable. He simply said "Yes."

You have been angry. You will be angry. And that's part of the process. Keep at it.

I am sorry that your interaction with your T has triggered off such powerful painful emotions. My T has said and done things that have really triggered me off too. In my case, I think T was trying to tell me that accepting responsibility for how I choose to perceive and emotionally respond to situations, today, in this moment is my responsibility and my choice. Of course my past has influenced my perceptions and feelings, but in knowing that it is my responsibility to change my thinking to change how I am feeling.

I strongly encourage to stay with your T and discuss how much this triggered you and explore it if you desire to do so. Talking about it diminishes so much of it's power. T is there to help you. Let him help you move toward healing. Hugs to you.

(((TAS)))

I can totally understand why you are angry. This stuff gets me angry, too. I spent my entire childhood taking care of others: my brother, my mother, my dad, our house - working my arse off to meet everyone's impossible expectations. My needs didn't matter. And once I got married, the behavior just extended to my husband and son. So now that I'm exhausted, burnt out, and sometimes hanging by a thread, what do I get? To take care of myself. To work through years of trauma on my own. Who the f*** is coming to take care of me? Nobody. It's up to me. Again. And, sometimes, that thought gets me totally outraged.

To be fair, my husband is a caring person who is learning to offer good support. But I still have a job, still have a child, still have responsibilities I have to handle. There aren't any knights in shining armor waiting to sweep in and whisk me away from it all. Not even T. I have to do the hard work. The hardest work. It seems dangerously unfair.

However, the good news is that, through this, I'm becoming my own knight in shining armor. I'm finally doing something to nurture myself instead of everybody else. And so are you.

Gentle hugs for you.

How things are said is so important. I would be angry, too, if T said I have to take responsibility for what happened in childhood because the parents/relatives won't. I don't think he meant that it was your fault what happened, but that only you can change your life now. Even so, he could have said it more tactfully than leaving you with the idea you were bad and wrong.

Thank you for replying.

Path We Walk: And I h a t e this part of the process. I don't do well with anger anyway so...I completely cut him off after he said this (not consciously) but the damage has been done.

Ghost Girl: I don't even think I can discuss it. I completely lost it in session and couldn't breathe...he had to keep telling me to breathe and my head was hurting horribly. It's just so difficult, so very difficult.

Affinity: As I said, it's so very difficult. It's so unfair. I don't even know what I am going to say to him. My stomach has been hurting when I think of seeing him. This cuts deep and I told him I never, ever, ever want to see him ever, ever, ever again.

Thank you for your kind words. This is the worst I have ever felt and when I started therapy, I wanted to see him. Now, I never want to see him.

T.

In the end, it's a rare and precious person who can tell us the truth when the truth is so incredibly painful. I'm sorry about your losses, TAS, but I am glad you've got your T

you may not always like what you hear from your T (i know i don't!), but it seems to me like he's there for you maybe not in the way you'd want but perhaps in the way you need. you've stuck with him this long. i think your innate knows what it's doing. hugs (((TAS))) it ain't easy by a stretch, but perhaps necessary? depends on you.