Hi, TN. I'm in kind of a weird place, but I can very much relate. I never really understood why I avoided the doctor so much, waited to have my first pap until several years past due, only go if I think there is a possibility of a broken bone or I am literally so sick I cannot function. I hate people touching me, people looking at me, feeling exposed. I hate people knowing when something is wrong with me.

In general, I do not like females either. I just so happen to have a female doctor who I somehow (though it took a decade of seeing her) feel very safe with. She has always been concerned, caring, but never invasive or overly interested. She's patient and I never feel rushed. Since I have told her about trauma-related issues, she has been really sensitive, and it is in my file so that other doctors know to be sensitive, without me having to say anything.

The only way I've figured out how to deal with it, unfortunately, is dissociating. I go ultra-numb. So, I guess I don't have much in the way of advice, but I did want you to know you're not alone!

I am very much the same TN. I never go to the doctor for anything, never had any tests, never get checkups - wouldn't even know my cholesterol level - and most people know theirs. Never have blood tests. Hell I even hate associating with people or friends who are doctors.

Stopped having any exams of any type - havent had a pap smear for 9 years.

Part of this is I dont want to know but mostly is that I hate all medical people. There are some reasons from my past that I know about - they are wrapped up in my trust problems

Somedays

I've had a huge, huge problem with this lately. I never even had a Pap smear until a month ago (when I should have had one years ago) and it went horribly..I cried, shook, dissociated, and just generally freaked out. It was part of my physical, which was the first one I've had since 2008. I also recently put off getting my injured knee treated but since it was worker's comp, if I waited too long, I may have had trouble getting it covered. So all of the tests and physical therapy I've had to do for that has been massively triggering and is a big reason why I'm in such a bad place now. I just had an MRI last Friday and even with two Valium I still ended up hyperventilating during the test.

What's funny, sort of, (ok, not really) is that I really had no idea of the extent of my fears about all of this until recently. I didn't know the huge issue I have with being touched, or even watched, by people. The PT is triggering because not only do they touch me for various reasons, but they watch me doing exercises, some of them in triggering positions. Or they do manual stretches that are in triggering positions. The good thing is that they crack me up in there, so that helps keep me from focusing too much on it, but I am still triggered all the time when I'm there. So, yeah, it's been a roller coaster. And you're definitely not alone in those fears.

Unfortunately, since I'm obviously a basket case, I have no helpful advice. I just wanted to let you know that your fears are totally understandable.

Thank you so much Kashly, SD and Anon for responding to my post. I just wanted to add that the last procedure I had done almost 3 years ago which was for the complications to my gall bladder surgery was such an awful experience I felt traumatized by it and having it done just 10 days after being abandoned by my oldT made it so much worse. I had no defenses and no coping skills to deal with the procedure which was massively triggering and done by the worst medical people that I have ever encountered. They basically shoved me around and didn't care that I was bleeding from the IV. Mercifully, I passed out just before launching into a full scale panic attack. So these are the memories I carry around now that are causing me such terror.

You all made such resonating and valid points regarding my fears. I never had such an issue with touch as I have now been experiencing since the oldT trauma. I hate being touched or looked at. I have really struggled with being "seen" even at work when I lost my office. I want to disappear all the time and have barricaded myself behind files and my 2 computer screens.

I got a response from T this morning which just answered my questions and absolutely NO warm and fuzzy which is what I need right now. I am debating if I should write back to him and tell him this. He told me it would be a good idea to mention my trauma background w/o even any details. Just to let them know.

Anon... kudos to you for getting to a point of trust with a female doctor. I'm not sure I can do this. I may grit my teeth through this appointment and then switch to her male associate in the future. Is this female your ob/gyn?

SD... I'm sorry you also have so much trauma wrapped around medical stuff. I wonder if, in general, the medical profession is even aware of a whole population of people that are terrified of them and don't do self-care?

Kashley.. I had no idea you were struggling with a knee injury and now PT too. I can see why you are now really triggered and not in a good place. I am glad they can make you laugh as that helps in lots of situations that are uncomfortable for us. My T always makes me laugh, even when I don't want to!!

Thanks all of you for sharing and for your support. I hope that all of us can get to the point where we are able to take care of ouselves w/o suffering through old trauma reactions and fears.

TN

TN - No, she's my GP. I also have a female OBGYN, because she was the only one available when I got pregnant. I hate her. I know that's not nice, but I don't feel safe with her at all, to the point of gosh I hope I don't get myself pregnant, because I have to go into her office to get my pill and haven't for three months as a result of even being in that office. I find her to be very invalidating. I know I would be heavily triggered by a man too. Whenever I can, I just go to my GP for even that stuff. She is the only doctor I've ever seen in my LIFE I've felt comfortable with and it took a decade to get there...so, I made her Boo's GP too. She's not a ped, but she has a kid five years or so older than Boo, so she's pretty good with kids. I think she was intuitive to my need for her to take things slowly with me, both verbally and physically, before even I could identify it. Plus, she's probably only a couple years older than my oldest sister, if that, so not as much mom transference as with older demon lady OBGYN...who is actually nice enough, I guess, but traumatized me during the birth a little.

Anon... it's interesting that you point out that OBGYN is an "older" demon lady. The one I have to see is younger and my T pointed out that I would not want an older female doctor (when I complained about her age to him) because they are much tougher and have NO bedside manner. He said the younger docs have more training in bedside manner.

Thanks again for the info. I hope things get better for you.

Hugs
TN

(((TN))))

quote:

It has massively triggered me by asking all sorts of questions such as if I have/had depression and if I have ever been physically, emotionally or sexually abused.

That is so invasive. My daughter and I are participating in a study about teenage girls. I knew I was going to have to answer some questions but didn't expect to be interiewed and asked very direct questions about trauma. I was very honest but had a difficult night after that and didn't sleep well.

My advice would be to be guarded about what you reveal. If you already feel vulnerable going in there, being too honest about your background could cause you to feel even more vulnerable.



Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it went. Did you write back to your T?

As for me, I lie my head off on medical forms and to medical personnel whenever they ask about mental health issues. I think the only reason they would need to know is if I were on medication or wanted medication (in which case I would certainly disclose). But since I'm not, what's it to them if I have anxiety or depression? That stuff goes in your file and everyone can see it. OB/GYN nurses are catty enough as it is-- no way in heck I'm going to give them a reason to judge me as mentally incompetent or nutty.

I feel a lot safer this way. I still only go to the doctor if H or T nags me into it (like when I had a bad ear infection and they both got on my case, lol). Of course I've had a couple kids in recent years so I've gone to all the appointments for that. I will say one thing for my OB/GYN-- she picked up on my discomfort with the cervical exams in the third trimester and told me we didn't have to do them-- that they really weren't necessary. Once a nurse came in expecting to do one and she told her, "HIC doesn't do these-- we have an agreement!"

I thought that was pretty sweet.

Thanks Liese. Mh T said pretty much the same thing today. I called him and it really helped to hear his voice.

I guess there aren't too many others on here with the same fears as I thought. Over 100 people read but only 4 of us seem to relate to this issue and I'm fighting the urge to delete which is somrthing I don't normally do.

Guess the whole thing is just freaking me. Thanks for supporting me.

TN

TN

I have a bit of perspective on this from the point of being a trauma survivor and a health practitioner.

From the trauma side of things your fears make complete sense. I never admit to any of my mental health issues on forms. I figure it doesn't usually impact the sort of treatment I will receive. But if you take meds then that can be something they need to know. I don't but if I did I would wait to tell them in person so that I could get a bit of a feel for their general warmth and attitude beforehand.

Personally I have amassed a very good GP and a wonderful ob/gyn and I know they wouldn't flip out if I told them about my mental health issues. Even then I would keep it Superficial and vague. T is the only one I trust with all of it.

From the perspective of a practitioner, I try to be sensitive if people are brave enough to mention mental health issues upfront or in the course of them knowing me. To an extent trauma, anxiety and depression are a universal experience so I don't freak out or label patients as crazy. It actually makes me more empathic.

TN,

You know not to go by the number of reads - I have come and read this thread about 6 - 10 times and commented - so each of my visits would add to the counter.

People may have set up notifications based on certain criteria and so they are emailed when certain people post etc - so the read count and # comments aren't a reliable guage.

Some people maybe too freaked out to comment as they are traumatised by topic...

Lots of reasons.

I was so glad you posted it as I felt like a freak hating medicos so much and having issues but being unable to talk about it in real life. It was comforting for me to read people's comments - so I thank you for posting.

Somedays.

I too appreciate the posting. I'm trying to get myself in gear to see my OBGYN and get my pill and also to do something about this neverending fatigue I have. But, every time I try to make an appointment, I freeze! It made me feel less alone knowing others experience that fear too.

((((TN))))

My doctors are all in a group, practicing independently but sharing certain things. They stopped writing in charts and instead started noting everything on their laptops. Well, apparently, they can access each other's notes because one time during a visit with the ENT, as he was reading his laptop, he suddenly popped his head up and said, "oh, well, I'd be crazy too if I had four kids."

I can't remember what exactly it was that he read. At the time I knew what it was. Maybe I'd asked another doctor for antidepressants. God knows what he wrote on there.

Greeneyes advice is good about waiting until you meet them to establish a rapport and, even then, be careful.

Good luck today.

Hi TN,

I can relate, too. I have my GP who I love and have been working with for nearly 15 years (to the point where the office staff knows me - kinda odd!) because I have no choice but to have regular check-ups due to some other health things.

My (somewhat irrational) fear stems from the dentist chair. I went nearly 6 years between cleanings because of intense fear and flashbacks. When I was a child the dentist was a horrible place for me, just awful. As soon as I moved out of my parents house, I stopped going all together (as my parents weren't there to drag me.) It took that 6 year break, several conversations with my then therapist, and large doses of Xanax to get back to a new dentist, who actually specializes in pediatric dentistry, for me to start overcoming that fear. It still isn't easy, but I have been able to get to the dentist regularly for the last two years.

Good luck this morning..... I'll be thinking of you!

I just want to say that I can relate and that I want to give you support "TN" I am nearing menapause and all this stuff is changing in my body and My gyno wants to remove an ovary and do all kinds of crap down there. Long story short whenever I have any of these procedures I go off the deep end for at least a week. I mean to the point where I even argue with my T and everyone around me. I think I am badly triggered by it.

Hang in there TN!

I'm back...

HIC thanks for sharing. You and I cross-posted last night. I didn't write anything down on the form, preferring to share what I wanted to verbally.

Green Eyes, thank you for the dual perspective. I would certainly tell them about any meds but I don't currently take any. I think you have an empathic view of mental health issues due to the fact that you have been in therapy and understand a lot more than someone who has not. Thanks for weighing in on this topic.

SD...thanks for reminding me to ignore the counter and that some are probably too triggered to comment here due to their own issues. I'm glad for any help I provided you by introducing this topic. I think it's sort of a hidden side-effect of trauma and abuse. I hope you can find the courage at some point to go and get your health checked out. I'm sorry you are struggling with T issue now. I'm thinking of you.

IrishNothing...it's nice to meet you. Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you decided to post here. My T is Irish and I think of him as my big Irishman. I adore him. Reading your post was very helpful. I need to remember that I do have some power and I forget to use it although I'm better than I used to be. I'm sorry you have had so many bad times medically. It does sound like therapy has helped you with that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Anon....I freeze too. Sometimes I am paralyzed in fear. That comes from trauma. I actually had two appointments previously with this new doctor and ended up cancelling them because I was dealing with gall bladder issues and then oldT traumatized me and I was unable to even consider anything medical. I hope you find the strength to go and get your appointment done and that your T can help ground you enough for this. We do deserve good care but I truly understand the extra issues we have to deal with when seeking medical treatment. I'm glad you are feeling less alone.

Liese... thanks for the good wishes. I think that was an insensitive comment from that doctor. I would have been upset.

R2G... I have had the dental fears too. One time I had a dentist give me an injection which paralyzed my jaw. Could not open my mouth and that freaked me out so much I didn't go back for 5 years when I broke a tooth. I had moved by then and found a nice family dentist and got to know the staff of 3 who were lovely. Then he retired. I was referred to a fabulous dentist who is younger, high tech (I have a LOT of dental issues) and I swear he is a T in dental clothes LOL. He knows about my anxiety and panic and is very empathic and kind. It makes a huge difference.

The Update from today is...

I went for the GYN exam and met the new female doc. Can you believe when I got there the nurse told me the dr had a student with her today and was I okay with that. I said NO. She said, what ? I said NO. She said oh okay. The doctor was okay. I didn't like her or dislike her. I just felt no connection at all. She was reserved and businesslike. Maybe it was partly because I was on Xanax that I could feel anything. I did tell her that I have huge medical anxiety and have a trauma history. She thanked me for telling her. I told her that I didn't want anything written down. She asked if I wanted to elaborate but I said no.

So I survived today but I now have to go for another invasive test which is freaking me out. I have a problem that needs further investigation. Then I may have to have a biopsy. That word just terrifies me. She was not very forthcoming with information and I had to ask her a lot of questions which she answered. She said odds are it's a benign issue but we have to be sure.

When I left I had a delayed reaction. I took some time at home for myself before rushing back to work. I called a good friend which helped but my overriding feeling was that I just needed to sit and cry. I also paged my T who called me back immediately and he reassured me and told me to take one thing at a time and to just feel the accomplishment of what I did today. That today I only need to think about how brave I was and how well I did. He said we would handle the other tests together. He will not abandon me during this. I will see him tomorrow. I really need to see him. I should never doubt him... he is always there for me. He is also very comfortable with medical issues ... even women's issues and I cannot believe how easy it was to tell him all of these things I'm dealing with. He trained for his PsyD at a University hospital and he did a lot of interning and residency at the hospital.

I still feel anxious but hopeful that my friends and my T will get me through all of this.

Thanks to everyone here for the great support. Sorry I was spooked last night.

Many hugs
TN

Finally... off to see T. I know he will help me regulate and find the courage and strength to call and make the appointment for the next test I need to take. It feels good to know he will be there for me.

TN

(((TN))) hope all goes well at T today and I'm so glad he's a supportive force for you,.

I hate medical stuff too I usually can't even tell my Ts because talking about it is too much anxiety to speak sometimes so I just don't think about it then go. Then stay terrified on my own. I'm glad you are communicating with your T.

(((TN)))

So glad you have your T and a friend you can talk to about this. We're all here supporting you too! Sorry I am short on words right now. Every time I think about it, I remember the laundry list of issues I need to go to the doctor for too!

My T was picture perfect today. We talked about the doctor visit and then my upcoming test that is invasive and upsetting to me. He has NO discomfort at all talking about women's health issues and worked to put me at ease. He has hospital experience which is helpful and he told me he had wonderful women teachers during his residency.

We talked about how this month we hit the 2.5 year anniversary of our relationship and how eerie it is that when I hit 2.5 years with oldT I began to have health issues and then needed surgery and how oldT basically refused to help me through it (T says he was incompetent to provide support) and then it led to his abrupt termination and abandonment of me. I related those fears to my T that it would happen again. He said he was glad I told him and that THIS time we would have a VERY different outcome and that he would be with me every step.

He said he knew I was feeling uncomfortable talking about these issues with a male T but that I WAS doing it and doing well and that it must mean that I am trusting him. He's right. I do trust him very much. He has never really let me down. We have had differences of opinion but he has always stayed to hear me and has never punished me for being angry at him or pushing him away or all the horrible negative transference from oldT. He is truly a treasure and I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

TN

TN
So glad you have such a wonderful T to help you through this, you deserve it
thinking of you xxxxx