LJB,
Medications and therapy can be be a tough balance. For me, it was a matter of finding a medication that provided stability in terms of how "low" I get, but not so much that I get cut off from my feelings as (unfortunately ) having our feelings can be pretty important to healing.

I do not think you should feel guilty, you are only trying to keep yourself safe which is healthy and normal thing that human beings do. But considering your Ts reaction, it is understandable that you are questioning whether using medication for sessions is the most productive thing to do. I would discuss how you are feeling about this with your T and express your fears. I know that a crucial part of therapy for me has been to go towards the feelings that have felt like they would overwhelm and destroy me but with my T there would stay with me and provide support to "contain" the feelings so I was not alone with them and was not overwhelmed with them. For really difficult feelings, at least part of the problem was that I had been left alone to deal with them, so it was very reparative to not be left alone with them.

SO I am wondering if an open discussion with your therapist that you take the meds because you are afraid of freaking out would be helpful? It may be that if your therapist can reassure you that he can handle you freaking out and help you, then you can feel more safe (it will still be scary I know) not taking meds for the session. Then if you do have a session without meds and it turns out it really is overwhelming then you can return to using them without guilt, knowning that right now that support is needed. On the other hand, if it works better, than you have removed something you no longer need so you can progress.

There is no "right" or "wrong" her LJB, just whatever you find most effective for your healing. Medications are just another tool in the toolbox.

AG

AG--

Thank you so much for your response. I should probably talk more in depth about this with my T. I did tell him that I took them because I was so afraid I was going to "freak out", because I have had panic attacks in his office and that always leaves me feeling embarassed. So we discussed going to see my psychiatrist for meds to prevent this. I only take them before I go to therapy, one day a week.

However, he did tell me that working with the meds can make therapy more difficult, for they can shut down the system and parts have to be revisited because things are "missed." So, I know that can be a drawback to taking meds like this with therapy.

But when he made that remark to me, I think when he said something like, "Seeing you like this makes things easier," I thought...was I being difficult before? I actually thought I was making things better, but maybe I'm not a good judge of what's better or not. I don't know.

I'll definately take your advice, AG, and talk more about it with him. But now I'm sitting here, wondering if I should take it before this week's therapy session...He always asks me, "What are you afraid that's going to happen? Do you feel like you're going to go crazy?" To which I respond, "Yes" (because panic attacks can make you feel like it) and he did respond, "I won't let that happen." But...it's the not knowing that bothers me.

LJB

(((Ljb)))

I do hope you can talk to your T. I take medication regularly. Before sessions and especially before seeing my P I'd have to take anxiety medication to even tolerate the other emotions of being there (anxiety amplifies things for me). To "be" at session a medication my P gives me specifically to target my dissociation helps have emotions also instead of just not being there. So.. There are sometimes Meds can help - but I think your Ts feedback is very relevant. I was basically overwhelmed in to being catatonic or decompensating. My P and Ts are confident I won't need to be on medication forever maybe there is a "lesser" something you can taken to feel safe but still stay present.

LBJ,
I think one of the hardest things about therapy is that we want to wait until we are no longer scared before we do the stuff that scares us (or more accurately terrifies us ). We want to get our feelings in line, then act. But the problem is that our feelings follow actions, not the other way around. I have, of course written a post on this: Bass Ackwards.

So its perfectly reasonable that not knowing bothers you, but the only way to change it is to try it and see what happens so you can learn that you don't need to be scared. Or that if you do freak out it will not be the end of you or your relationship with your T.

And of course you were not being difficult, it just may be that the meds put more distance between you and your feelings so that when you didn't take them, the things you were trying to access were easier to reach. It's very courageous of you to plan on discussing this your T, I hope it goes well.

AG

Thanks Cat and Ag. I really do appreciate your responses. Everything you guys said does make sense. I'll just have to feel the fear and do it anyway! Smiles!

LJB

"So to learn not to be scared, do what you fear. Do it enough and eventually it will stop being so scary. So to learn to trust, act as if you trust the person. Do that enough, with good results, and you’ll learn to risk trusting someone. To learn to value yourself, act as if you matter. Eventually, even you will believe it."

AG, thank you for the reference to your blog. After reading it, particularly this passage, I think I know exactly what you mean!!!

LJB