Old T and I have the same birthday. He told me about this a few years ago as sort of a nice connecting thing to share with me. We always met on Wednesdays. That first year our birthday fell on a Monday, and so I made and sent him a card in the mail. The second year He called Me(!) to say happy birthday on that Tuesday. This year our birthday falls on a Wednesday. Before I decided I needed to end with him, I was looking forward to finally having a Wednesday birthday together.

So, OldT and I are on good terms-- strange terms, but good terms, somehow, even though we never had the termination sessions because I don't feel ready to do that yet. Anyway, so a couple of weeks ago I decided to make an appointment with him for the Wednesday that is our birthday. It seemed like a fine idea at the time. I just pictured that it would be a cheery, nice, light meeting. No pressure, no big deal. We can joke around sometimes.

But of course, since then I have had second thoughts. I guess I just don’t want to let go of the birthday on Wednesday together thing that I had in my mind for so long, on the one hand, but on the other hand, I don’t really have that much that I want to share with him anymore. Like because we are done, like exes, now. So, I like the idea of meeting and chatting with him, but I don’t see how I can carry off a whole 50 minutes like that. And I am a little leery of getting emotional or worked up about something by being with him if any of our unfinished business comes up or something.

That week is also my vacation week from school, and I have a hard time on vacation weeks, so I also liked the idea of having the appointment with him for a little something extra during that week.

Also, NewT doesn’t know. When I saw her this week, I was thinking that I would maybe cancel the appointment with Old T and ask her if I could see her twice during my vacation week to get that same little extra bit of comfort or connection or something with her instead of with him. Although she had told me that sessions 2x a week were an option when I started with her, this week when I asked, she said that she couldn’t see me twice because of insurance.

I’m going to be 50 this year. I do have friends and family and I will spend some time with them that week, but I also feel like on a vacation week I get so lost and lonely even though I have made a lot of progress with how I handle time off.

I know that this is maybe a silly little problem, and compared to most of the therapy problems I have had it is, but it is on my mind. Not sure if I should cancel OldT or tell NewT or both or neither or what.

And yes, incognito's post about her birthday and how great her T was (!) is on my mind, too. Funny coincidence to see that today, so I thought I'd post and see if anyone has any thoughts.