I don't think you should skip counseling, Yaku. That is YOUR time for you. Even if you just go and sit in silence, you should go. You need a break from all this chaos.

I agree with LG- maybe try, look at it as time for you, to reconnect, to find yourself, to experience peace acceptance. Maybe it's time to just have a nice light session, and not get into much too deep, unless there is an issue that you seriously need to address? Just some thoughts- take or leave...

BB

I agree with LG and BB - go. Your T sounds like he's incredibly understanding, and if you need to just spend the session in prayer, or sitting there, or just talking about the weather, do it. Take this time for you, allow yourself to be in the presence of your T - a person who cares about you! Then let us know how it goes here on the forum, cause we care about you too

I went. We talked about marriage 90% of the time. I am feeling like a child who was bad and got disciplined. They he brought up [sensitive issues] stuff in the last few minutes and I told him to stop discussing it and bringing it up right before I was supposed to leave was a bad idea. T thought my text about feeling like I was supposed to quit meaning I was going to, so we had to address that and I let him know it was me expressing I felt trapped. Too scared to ever mention the word "quit" to him again now. T also mentioned us moving somewhere and I was like WTF!? I guess H is complaining about his job and wanting to move, run away from all the pain of our family stuff, but he wasn't serious about it (unless an opportunity fell in his lap), just venting. So, I am having, "What if H decides we need to move and I lose my T?" panic thoughts. I had four specific topics I really wanted to discuss with T, but once he wanted to get on the marriage stuff, I felt like him choosing that topic revoked my permission to go elsewhere. So, I sent him my reflections on the session and let him know the topics I wanted to discuss and that next time if T wants to do a session focused on marriage stuff, H and I both should be there. He ended up causing a lot of confusion on something both H and I had felt resolved on. We're back on the same page, though, and it was good, because H and I connected more than we have in a while, just snuggling in bed and talking about stuff. I may not be able to be on the forum throughout the day (unless H is busy with other stuff), because I am not living up to others' expectations and well, for a people-pleaser, that's like death! Sorry, I'm just pissy and tired and sad and not wanting to wait until Friday morning to talk to my T again. I wish I could go again today and have a do over!

Yaku- I also have a T who takes me at my word. So I have to be very careful with my T to say things just as I mean them, or he will think I mean it exactly the way I expressed it. He doesn't "read into things" or read between the lines. This has been very helpful for me in certain ways, teaching me some communication skills, or at least, the idea of communication skills- but extremely anxiety inducing in others...it sounds like your T might be doing some of the same with you. Try use it as practice in being clear in expressing your needs. I know that's what I'm supposed to be doing with it. It's so damn hard to be adult about this stuff!

I'm so glad that you were able to connect with your H- that is really good. Yaku, not living up to other's expectations- that's a really difficult and a despairing place to be, at least it is for me. the only through that one is through it, I believe. We must somehow find a way to balance our responsibilities and our needs, and not feel guilty when we stray too far in one direction or the other. I find it really hard to make that balance, and I'm not sure what the answer is, unless it is just a matter of willpower and self-discipline, which I tend to think it is not, at least not entirely, since I have experienced the ability to live my life in a way that is satisfying to everyone in my family on occasions when I felt ok about myself- on those occasions I was able to simply and adequately complete my duties and spend some relaxation time, or thought time/computer time- as well- without a lots of schmozzle or worry or upset on my or anybody else's part. That's what I long for- the ability to stay connected and present in my life without the pain overwhelming me and retreating into the computer or other coping mechanisms. If I could use this place more moderately, it would be a healthy coping mechanism, but when I overuse it- it means I'm trying to take care of others instead of myself and my life. Is that what you find too?

Sometimes, yes, I just transfer my caretaking from my real life into here. But, lately, it's actually what's keeping me from being able to act out on some of my urges. Even T said, while discussing H's thoughts on me being on the forums a lot, that he understands I feel it is very helpful and believes that connecting with others like I am can be really positive, especially dealing with the heavy stuff I am. I just need to learn to prioritize it, like I did this last day. I spent time with H last night. I journaled my counseling stuff this morning. I interacted with my daughter. Then, she was playing independently and I went on here. The one I have yet to do is actually take care of myself (so I need to eat and shower, because I have to watch my nephew in two hours). But, if I can manage to prioritize things more healthily, I think it will be OK. It may mean sending a lot of ((((hugs)))) and quick prayers to everyone, rather than giving input and also less reaching out to ask my own questions unless I am getting desperate.

Hm..you sound a lot more balnaced than I am about it, and you are struggling with more in terns of trying to get past other behaviors and so on. I worry about your being scolded or shamed for using this place "too much." that seems like it would be really counterproductive. Ultimately, you need to be respected enough for people to know that you are doing the best you can, and that you want to do things for the right reasons. You need to keep safe, and that is a hell of alot more important than say, getting the dishes done or dinner made, kwim? I find I use this place often to escape my feelings of inadequacy as a parent, and let the tv take care of them- and I *know* that is destructive behavior, but I need to be in a better place before I can just stop it- kwim? It can be a vicious circle. It doesn't sound like you are doing that.

On that note- I'm going to go read to my kids...

I guess I do it a little bit. The frustrating part is my H pretty much ONLY watched TV with my daughter as time with her for a long time, unless the three of us went out to do something. But, if I watch TV with her (and because I am letting her watch more than I used to), I am a failure. I think it was because I was super-mom before therapy. She knew all her letters and their sounds almost a year ago and has started forgetting them. She has lost interest in reading and some other activities, which I know just happens cyclically, but I do need to be making more effort. It will be easier when my sister moves, because I will have her naptimes or times when she is playing independently to do chores or go on forums or rest. I DO need time to myself, but I guess I just need to find a better balance. And, with these thoughts I have been having, it's really hard to not just want to come on here and have people hug and talk and pray me through it. I am getting a response I need to make it through those painful moments sanely. My bad behaviors have literally decreased 75% or more since I joined this forum. So, I am torn between what I feel I need and what others need from me and I am such an extremist that I can't seem to make both happen. Boo is napping, so I really ought to go take care of myself. I am getting lightheaded, because I'm too lazy to make a meal for myself.

quote:

I am getting a response I need to make it through those painful moments sanely. My bad behaviors have literally decreased 75% or more since I joined this forum.

If by bad behaviors you mean self-harming behaviors, than I think that this is really positive and speaks for itself. Guilt gets u nowhere. It is feeling good about ourselves that gives us the energy and focus we need to be good moms. I just don't like you feeling scolded or shamed for coming here "too much." I know exactly how that feels. As my T says "let your H work on removing the log from his own eye, not putting two in yours and none in his." Does this resonate?

Grab a piece of cheese or something before you respond!

I took a relaxing shower and made a sandwich. Yes, it resonates. H spent until just a few months ago telling me I was too needy and ignoring me, because his online friends on LOTRO "needed" him or he really wanted to play a video game or do something else online (or cheat on me with his computer behind my back). Then, he rejected me so hurtfully late last Spring, made me feel more terrible than he ever has, for wanting his time and affection (he was in a bad place emotionally, but I really took it to heart). So, I withdrew. I stopped pushing for time and affection. And then, through his work with T, he started to WANT emotional intimacy with me, time and affection. So while it would have been a blessing before to do it, now it is work for me to offer it. And while I do feel bad that I spend too much time "on myself" by being on here so much, I'm also pretty ticked off that he gets away with it for years of our marriage and now that we're both in therapy, I get to be the "bigger" person once again for the sake of our marriage. That is just the toddler in me who is screaming, "That's not fair--it's MY turn now!!!" Then again, there is no reason for me to break my marriage more when there is a real chance that if we're both working at it, things will get better.

You are in the middle of a big struggle internally, that is for sure. Take care, go gently. It's not easy to figure this stuff out.

BB

Thanks. I'm not very good at being gentle with myself, so the reminders are important. I think I give all my gentleness away and all I have left for myself is my inner critic smacking the crap out of me.

I know it's really hard...

Took my daughter and nephew on a 50 minute walk, saw some chickens (uncommon in our suburbs), visited the kittens at the pet store next door. Feeling pretty good to say I at least did something with myself outside of the house, even briefly.

Yay! Good for you! That is really good, Yaku, and you should feel proud of yourself. You inspired me and I read some stories to the kids, did the dishes and started supper. Now I'm back here again, though. arg. so stuck!

Wow, that's great! You're the one inspiring me, truly. Well, H is going to have to do dinner, because infant nephew will not put up with doing floor time, so I am typing one-handed while I give him a bottle. Reminds me of how I wrote essays in high school while holding my baby bro in the middle of the night. He just turned 14. At least with my nephew, I can make a bit of money to contribute to the household. Depressing to think I'll have to work 18.75 hours at this rate just to pay for one hour with T...I guess it shows how good he is that I'm willing to do that.

I find it really hard to leave the house, so I guess that is why I am so inspired by your success. And you work too. You are doing great Yaku- at least from my perspective you are amazing to be able to hold things together like you do. Try, not to feel guilty for taking time for you- which is really time for healing, which is time for everyone. I think it would be nice for you if you could have more time alone.

hugs,

BB

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
Took my daughter and nephew on a 50 minute walk, saw some chickens (uncommon in our suburbs), visited the kittens at the pet store next door. Feeling pretty good to say I at least did something with myself outside of the house, even briefly.

That's great, Yaku! I know how difficult it can be to leave the house, but boy doesn't it feel great when you do?

Thanks for the support, you guys! ((((BB)))) ((((LG))))

quote:

I had four specific topics I really wanted to discuss with T, but once he wanted to get on the marriage stuff, I felt like him choosing that topic revoked my permission to go elsewhere. So, I sent him my reflections on the session and let him know the topics I wanted to discuss and that next time if T wants to do a session focused on marriage stuff, H and I both should be there.

Hm, he seems really directive, is that bugging you? My T spent the first year of my therapy trying to get me to open sessions with my own topics, then went to helping me find topics, and now is pushing the initiative taking again. Every time he pushes that I get scared and back away for some reason. It sounds like you wnat your T to stop picking topics?

BB - Actually, usually, he is very client directed. And usually I can say nothing at all unless he picks a topic. However, he always tries very hard to get me to do it. I think that is why he reads my journals. Literally, this guy has read over 140 pages of 1.15 spaced typed work (though some are charts) in eight months, and most of it is since December. He actually says he "loves" my journaling, and it's so good, he thinks I should find a way to organize it into a book, because my words and my journey could help others...blah, blah, blah...so I guess it's not a total punishment to read it. So, usually what will happen is T will pray over our session; he will ask how I am; he will try to get me to volunteer a topic (I usually won't, even if I have a list, I CAN'T read it, I go blank); he will ask how things are going with my week or certain people; he will pick excerpts or topics from my journal and ask if it's OK or I would like to explore them together. He tries, throughout, to get me engaged and listens when I don't want to talk about a certain subject. In this case, I had texted him after my argument with H that I thought I should quit (but didn't want to!), because I was letting my family down. So, the first thing after asking how I was and giving me an opportunity to talk was to address that text. And because the text related to my argument with H, we discussed that a bit. And because H had been in just a couple hours earlier for his session, I think he kind of wanted to play "mediator." However, since both H and I had resolved it on our own, T confused the situation a bit and I had to clarify with H how much of what T said was H hiding stuff from me and how much of it was T misunderstanding. In this case, H was telling him "general" feelings about my not being engaged in recent weeks (because of the forum and other stuff), but it didn't come up that we had been doing much better the last couple of weeks. So, T had a whole emphasis on really making time for our marriage and I was like, "Well, $#!+, I OFFER him almost all my alone time at this point already." Anyway, it is something we need to work on. We had another fight over something stupid last night, but worked it out and spent time together again. Watched a funny movie on Netflix. It was nice. My sister stayed at our mom's last night, so hopefully, she'll only be here a couple nights a week. Getting up to an empty living room was SO nice this morning. Anyway to quote Clue, "to make a long story short (too late)," T desperately tries to get me to direct most of our sessions, but I fail and have begged him to help me by picking topics in the past, so he does. In this case, I just didn't like the topic he chose, but I knew saying that would make him feel like I didn't think my marriage was important, and I do...so I felt like I COULDN'T redirect the conversation even though I very much wanted to shout, "H and I resolved this already and I will let you know if I need your help!" In the end, it was just me being defensive. It was like when my dad pointed out stuff he didn't like in my relationship with H when we were dating (like roughhousing and teasing each other)...which is funny, because I learned BOTH of those things from how my dad interacted with me as a kid. Anyway, I don't know if any of this made sense, but it's really my fault and not T's that I won't pick a topic. What I really wanted to do was say:

1. I can't sleep. I have awful nightmares, some of which are memory-like. I wake up all night long or can't fall asleep in the first place. Prayer/reading before bed hasn't helped much. Help!!!

2. My mom is trying to see me and I don't feel safe about it. I don't know what to do. Waaaaah.

3. I have all these memory fragments come up, but they are so young and broken (no narrative), that all I can get is a sense that something very bad happened. They are freaking me out and I don't know how to process them without knowing if they are real and what exactly happened. I was hoping he could suggest ways to deal with the "symptoms" (feeling like I am being attacked and my body is being touched or grabbed violently, seeing this guy and hearing his breath, literally feeling like I am five and running in my childhood closet to hide). Sharing my older trauma, even though I couldn't say much verbally, helped take the fear out of the experience, but I don't know how to share something that doesn't have a "story" to it, just feelings.

4. My bad thoughts and behaviors and how we can talk about them more safely.

I already sent him a list of topics, but with more info. The number one thing I want to talk about, though, is T and me. How he makes me feel. And I just can't bring it up. It is all over my journals and he hasn't really taken the initiative to speak about it. Even after my transference map, which he loves, he won't make an effort to get at that topic. But, I don't feel like I can talk about it without his help. I have really made an effort on several occasions to push myself to discuss it, because it is important to me. But, once the subject dies, he leaves it alone and brings up other stuff. So, it makes me feel like he doesn't want to talk about it. My number one thing I want to know is if he has a boundary around being close to me. The sessions he was closer, I felt so safe and able to talk with him. I have told him that as well. Next week, I want to be able to ask him if he is willing to sit on the same side of the room as me, either on the couch with me or move the table that separates us and scoot his chair closer. I don't know how I can do it, but I get too scared to talk when he is far away. Literally, I am paralyzed with fear. So my choice is to make every session a phone session, so I am not paralyzed, frightened and literally aching with the abandonment of distance, or I need him to tell me what the boundaries are in a way that makes me know any rejection is not about that little girl not being loved by mom and dad again.