For those who haven’t been following this story…. C who was one of the most important people in my life died suddenly a few months ago. He was the brother I never had, my attachment figure, my protector and teacher and kindred spirit. No one truly understood our relationship, except for one dear friend and my T. My oldT even made me feel like it was wrong and dirty in some way. That impacted me in ways I only now entirely understand. C lived in another country and when he died I had no passport to go to the funeral. My passport was away being renewed. I am NEVER without a passport except for a week or two every ten years. So to find closure and in discussing this with T he suggested that we do something like a memorial so I could mark the place and the day. So that I would have a place to go to be with C and feel that I have not lost him entirely and on special days to bring flowers. He had even offered to come with me as my witness. This shocked and surprised me that he would offer to do that. It also scared me in some ways as I remembered the last outdoor session I ever had was with oldT and it ended VERY badly.
So over the months the idea was shelved because I became so mired in grief and I was despondent and unresponsive to my T. I just didn’t have the heart or the strength to do anything or even think of doing it. And then I got very angry at my T. So angry that I surprised myself and didn’t understand it. I guess it was one of those stages. In between I was terrified T would die on me too and/or I would do something to lose him. He worked really hard to hold still and to contain all those feelings that were bouncing around inside of me. I remained unfocused and depressed and unresponsive to therapy. So T got really tough on me and pushed me hard and in different ways. I shut down I got angrier I pushed back and did all kinds of stuff but he never punished me or walked away. He stayed. Then I realized how much he cared about me. He told me he was NOT going to lose me. That I was too important to him. That he cared about me and that he would not give up on me. Slowly I started coming back to him and to life and we planned this memorial that we did today during the time of our session.
It did not go totally smoothly but that had nothing to do with T or me LOL. I decided on a local park that has a small playground and has open grassy fields for baseball and soccer and benches and trees around the perimeter. It’s close to my home and to T’s office. I passed by the park at all different times of day to see how busy it is. It was busier, I noticed, before school started so I figured it would be quiet now that school was in session. WRONG. I told T where to meet me and gave him directions. I was anxious so I got there early because I wanted to sit on a certain bench next to a beautiful tree and was afraid others may be there before me. What a surprise when I got there to see a million kids screaming and yelling, playing soccer, using all the playground equipment and generally all over the place.
But the bench was mercifully empty. It turns out that the Catholic school across the street uses that park for recess! And since my appointment is 12:30 it was prime time!T arrived at about 12:45 pm. He took note of all the noisy kids and we smiled at each other and I said… it’s recess
and he said yeah I can see that LOL. 
So I sat on the bench and made room for him. My nervous system was on overdrive. I have never sat so close to him and we never sat side by side before. It was nice but scary. And T had on really wonderful cologne. I thought I caught whiffs of it in his office in the past but I really got to enjoy it today!! So we sat and I made some small talk trying to get used to his proximity to me. We had to consciously turn our heads to look at each other. I realized I had my sunglasses on (I always wear them outdoors) and I pushed them up on my head so he could see me better. I knew he would want that. We talked about work and how anxious I was also about my upcoming review which I was supposed to have today but thankfully it got pushed to tomorrow. Then… amazingly… a whistle sounded and all the kids lined up and walked off the field and back to school.Finally I opened the folder on my lap and told T that I had written C a letter to read today. I also had a small favorite picture of C in the folder along with some poems and the lyrics to a song. So I began with reading the letter. T listened quietly and respectfully. Reading the letter was really hard and I had to stop a few times because I lost my voice or thought I would burst out into tears. But I got through it. When I was done he told me that it was wonderfully written and it covered a lot of what we discussed in session and he knew C was pleased. I then told him that I had some things to place under the tree. I had a small cross which I painted with C’s initials and the birth and death years. I also had a very large flattish river rock on which I painted a simple white cross. And I also found some leaves that I saved from C’s property where he lived that I had saved in a box many years ago. I took a few of the leaves with me to the park. So T and I got up and went over to the tree. I put the large rock in a crook of the tree’s roots and behind it I placed the small wooden cross so it could barely be seen. Then I crumbled some of the leaves around the spot and put one leaf under the rock itself. When that was done we stood together and I read the poems. T told me I picked perfect ones to represent our relationship and to honor C. We then sat down again and chatted a few minutes when I told him I had a song I wanted to play (on YouTube on my cell phone) and I gave him a copy of the lyrics to follow along. When the song ended we sat and talked for a little while longer. I told him about the black butterfly. He asked me what it represented to me. I told him it just made me think of C and that he was still around and close to me. I saw the darn butterfly last night as I was sitting outside in my screen house. It kept flying by almost trying to get into the screen house. It was eerie. He seemed to believe it was a sign, a reminder from C that he was still with me. It was also odd how I found one of the poems I read. I found it last week while I was cleaning out a drawer. It was stuck between ticket stubs of a concert I attended with C many, many years ago. T said it was not a coincidence. There was a reason for why things happened as they did.
When time was up, T asked if we should start walking back to our cars. I told him to go ahead but that I wanted to sit there for a little while longer. It was such a perfectly beautiful day today, weather-wise. I had also told work that I had a doctor’s appointment and would be late from lunch. I wanted to have some time to compose myself and not to rush the moment. So T left and waved to me as he took off and I sat awhile. I took a few pictures with my phone. I wanted to also process how wonderful T was with me today. He was kind, gentle and patient. He was supportive and very clear that I was doing a good thing, a healthy thing and that this would be very therapeutic for me. He shook my hand both coming and going. He teased me a bit when I told him we could sit down now. I admitted that, yes, I’m being bossy. He laughed and told me that I go from being terrified of him to directing him around LOL. Of course the adult is in charge and directing him and the kid is scared of doing something wrong. Gives me whiplash at times. I like that he was clearly reverent of the occasion. He just GOT it and made me feel respected and also that he was honoring someone I loved not just being my T. But because I loved C so much and because T feels C loved me too that he wanted to honor this person with me. It took a lot for me not to just hug T out of pure gratitude. He is rather amazing and I can see that in my saner moments.
I’m so looking forward to seeing him again Thursday to talk more about this. I know this was long so many thanks to those who read.
TN
