Hi.... I know I have not been around much lately except for a scattering of posts. I was away on vacation but I am also still grieving the loss of my friend "C". He died very unexpectedly at the end of May of a massive heart attack. He was one of the most important people I ever had in my life. He was my first attachment figure although I didn't know it at the time or understand the feelings surrounding our relationship. He was in my life for almost 30 years. He lived in Italy and we spoke different languages. In fact, he was the large part of my motivation to learn Italian.... so I could talk to him. He made me feel safe and protected. He challenged me in a good way. He was somehow able to reach my inner child and to draw her out. Perhaps because he had his own very active child that needed a playmate. My child has been very sad because she feels very alone now with no one to play with. He was also strong and extremely smart, funny, and creative. He had vision and great dreams but he was also a hard worker and very generous. He is greatly missed.

Okay... well... when he died I could not attend his funeral because I had no passport. I ALWAYS have a passport but I had just sent it off to be renewed for my vacation in June. So I was prevented from having that closure of a wake and funeral. My T really believes that this was no accident and because of the difficult situation I would have faced in Italy it was some divine intervention that kept me home. Was C still protecting me? I would have been unable to mourn him there as I would like because those around us would see my devastation as perhaps not appropriate because they would never understand the depth of our relationship which had a certain innocence to it.

So I have been struggling to find a way to memorialize him or pay tribute or honor him in my own personal way that would be meaningful and to allow my grief to be expressed without being judged by anyone. I am asking you all out there for ideas that you have for doing something. The obvious, plant a tree is not something I want to do. I am open to any other ideas.

My T has been so kind about this and listening to me grieve. He asked me what I thought of when I thought of C. I mentioned a few things but nothing clicked. Then T reminded me how often I would write to C and how I would wait for his birthday cards and any postcards or letters he would send me. I wrote more often than he did. He suggested that I write C a letter and then we could take it to a cemetery around here and bury it. Maybe leave flowers and then know that there is someplace here in my town where in some sense I will have C. At first I thought I misunderstood him and was shocked to understand that he was actually offering to come with me and do this so I would not be alone. That meant so much to me. Of course the first thing I worried about was how would we get there? in separate cars? could we walk somewhere and then I told him I don't even know of any cemetaries around my town. He suggested the very old one in the center of town. It is not longer used but you can visit.

Has anyone ever done something like this? I would really appreciate any suggestions or comments or sharing of similar experiences.

Thank you for reading.
TN