SSA is sending me for a mental exam to verify my condition/functioning, I guess? I'm terrified of about a million things, but I guess mostly reliving the messages that what I think and feel and experience isn't real, isn't true, is a lie, is an exaggeration, doesn't count. Because it's not like I'm going to walk in there ready to off myself. New people and places make me ultra-functional, locked down, numb. T noticed right away I was dissociating stuff. The psychiatrist I saw briefly labeled me as having "high executive function" and good use of my resources, with a "major depressive episode, single instance - mild." I need to figure out how not to let an outside authority's truth supersede or invalidate what I experience. The anxiety is crushing me, physically and making me dizzy. I want my T with me right now. I want to call him, but I can never do the phone thing, only text (which I have). I'm going to watch TV with H and try to not think about it, put it away, since it's a few weeks away. Just, I don't know...has anyone done something like this before? What was it like? Talking to a complete stranger whose job was to in one hour determine such a huge thing about you? What if he asks about stuff that I couldn't even bear to tell T until several months or more than a year of working together? What if he asks information about parts and there is no way and hell protectors let me share? What if he is not a he, but a she, and I will be needless and fine in front of her, because showing vulnerability in front of a woman is terrifying?

OK, I put all my worst what ifs here and now I can put them away, right??? Thanks for reading. Just doing that helps me be more objective. Whew...