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8 replies

Message from a caravan :(

S shamanMember
Hi guys,

A sort of weird, wry post from me. I feel I've really made a breakthrough recently due to letting myself be rrrreeeaallly vulnerable with my T and her being amazing in dealing with it. Her acknowledgement of my suffering and acceptance of who I am really made a difference in my perception of myself. Somehow, I'm starting to feel that I too am lovable and not repulsive or unimportant as I have always felt. But, and that the wry part, my marriage is at the point of rupture now Frowner. My wife and I have been together for 16 years and we have two amazing girls, 8 and 6. She had a brief and destructive affair with a severe borderliner two years ago and has been suffering from the trauma ever since. I've been understanding, supporting and forgiving but have seen our relationship deteriorate despite of that because she is not seeking the professional help I think she needs with this. And off course there is the wear and tear of longterm relationship and work and kids, etc. We had a most violent row this morning and for the first time, I REALLY got terribly angry with her. I feel that since I've accessed some feeling of worthiness in therapy, that this has finally made me feel entitled to anger. (How many times have people not told me I was way too understanding with her!). I do still love her dearly but refuse to suffer from her suffering anymore. Up to the point that I'm thinking I might actually benefit from living without her. It is heartwrenching though, with the children, the uncertainty and the inexperience (she is actually the one and only person I have ever had a relationship with). So breaking up is new to me and does scare the sh** out of me.
It's so hard when there's no one to blame really, we've just grown a part too much, and are on very different tracks when it comes to our personal development.
So why am I posting this? Well, ...., hmmmm, I'd like some sympathy and support, ladies - my good friend and neighbour (she's even a T!) once told me about emotional maturity being the ability to state your needs in a specific and direct manner - so that's what I'm doing here. Some words of encouragement, sympathy or even relatedness, I would like. oh, and this will really make you guys laugh - and wonder !?! - I've spent half the afternoon cleaning up and furnishing a tiny old caravan we have in the backyard and am spending the night in it, accompanied by a half bottle of wine, a pack of crips and the computer. Should I make this a permanent arrangement?
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greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Hi Shaman

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened with your wife and to hear of her affair as well.

I think it's really normal that as we access our vulnerability and begin to see we are worthy and loveable that we begin to demand equal power and balance in a marriage. I have certainly found as I regained a sense of self worth and that I'm entitled to a good life and decent treatment from the person who is meant to love me and be committed to my health, happiness and wellbeing like no other (ie my husband) that we have had a few TERRIBLE rows to the point he has threatened to leave and gotten so angry he can't do anything but spit venomous words at me. I can' describe how awful those times were, how terrified I was that he would abandon me and how hurt I felt by his cruel sadism. I literally spent weekends crying non-stop. But as my T pointed out, changing dynamics often leads to terrible eruptions and there is never a guarantee it will work out. But if your partner isn't willing to treat you well, then what are you doing with them? You're learning you deserve better and its really important for your girls to see Mom can't push Dad around and vice versa.
I really do understand how awful and scary this part of the healing process is
athenacusathenacusMember


I'm sorry to hear of this, Shaman. I understand how hard it is to realize that your marriage is over...it is scary!
Back in 2010 my husband at the time had an affair I found out about. Later on I learned of at least one more. Anyway, it was scary to realize that even after trying (me anyway) in therapy to forgive and set things on the right track, that our marriage was over. It's not what he wanted and he wasn't getting the help he needed for his issues and wouldn't listen. He got more abusive and said he would change and we could work things out, but I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. We have two kids together too. That's the hardest part. I've seen how much I've grown and how well I've been doing apart from my ex, so I know it was the right thing. My ex still has his ups and downs and recently got married, so we'll see how that goes for him.
Anyway, I've rambled and need to get started on T training homework.
Once again...
Hug two
S shamanMember
Hi everybody,

Catalyst Well, the night is more or less ok, as in ok because I kinda like the cosiness, womblike quality of my caravan Smiler and I'm really enjoying having the time to read and reply to threads on the forum.
Less ok because there's this effing mosquito who's bitten me all over and it's just too hot to crawl into the sleeping bag completely! So I'm not sleeping...
Jillann, yeah, it's difficult as you're never really sure what's coming next, are you. We both do love our daughters and show them all the time. If we separate, I'm convinced we will do in a way as to spare them as much as possible. We really don't see this as a war, just a very unfortunate and painful development where two people are just drifting away from eachother.
Hollow, thanks for the support. You're sweet.
Athenacus, sorry to hear about your marriage. You know, I can live with the fact that she had the affair. I'm well aware a person can be attracted to people outside the relationship and may even act on that. Off course it hurts when your partner does that. Inmy case what hurts most though, is her way of dealing with it by leaning way too much on me for support, understanding and relief for her suffering. She downright abusive in that way and I just can't and won't take that anymore.
GE: We'll see how these changing dynamics will or not work out. What you're describing sounds way too familiar to me. Been there, ....
Realising how much I've been unconsciously driven by fear of rejection and abandonment has made a huge difference. I'd just like us to be able to find new ground to continue our relationship, one where I don't accept just about anything out of this fear, where she does her own work and growing up and we find a way out of our co-depency struggle.
By the way, it's mom pushing mom around Smiler, we're gay.

Big s for all of you. It is such a comfort having you people around
MallardMallardMember
Your post strikes a chord with me Shaman. The situation isn't so similar but I remember what happened when I suddenly realised that I was entitled to feel angry about what had happened in my relationship. Until that point I had been the crutch - and when I didn't want to do that any more, everything folded because I had been propping up my partner and suddenly he had to deal with his own emotions and the consequences of his actions.

Weirdly, because I had never really done anger before my newly found anger turned into a towering inferno and did not dissipate for a very long time. I don't think that was all about the relationship, I think the trouble in my relationship ended up being the conduit through which a lot of my rage about unmet childhood needs came pouring out. I'll admit at the time it kind of felt crazily liberating. I did not really make much of an effort to contain it initially, either.

In a couple relationship, sometimes balance isn't a happy place and it does all go pear-shaped when one person moves forward and the other person is still doing what they've always done. People tend to be drawn together for a reason and have kind of unconscious expectations and agreements with each other. It almost feels as if one of yours has been your compassionate support in the face of your wife's affair, absorbing that negativity even though it hurt you, putting your needs second and now you've withdrawn your bit of the agreement it's all swinging around, like the compass that suddenly can't find north.

my good friend and neighbour (she's even a T!) once told me about emotional maturity being the ability to state your needs in a specific and direct manner - so that's what I'm doing here.

Message heard, loud and clear Smiler Big hugs and lots of sympathy and buckets of virtual tea (if you like tea?). I hope you are able to figure out a way through. I suppose it's worth thinking about what you would need to happen for your relationship to continue. What would need to change? How would you need to be different? How would she?
S shamanMember
quote:
I would guess a lot of unexpressed anger might feel pretty explosive

Pretty explosive, hmmm, that does more or less describe my behaviour of yesterday morning. We were attempting to tidy up the play room mess when all hell broke loose and I actually kicked to plastic containers full of toys with all the rage and frustration I had in me. It actually felt so good the first time that I did it again, this time with the other foot. If felt great. Yeah, explosive it was. (the kids weren't around, don't worry)
Things have calmed down and we have even been able to talk. The presence of our friend/neighbour/T helped with that. I've tried to explain what's been happening in therapy with me lately and I feel she does more or less understand. We're not touching her stuff at the moment though. I need to focus on me, right now, to strengthen this budding but delightful feeling of self-worth.
I want to give her some stuff to read though, about what therapy can and cannot do and how the process works. She hasn't a clue really, and neither did I before finding this amazing T and experiencing it myself.
quote:
People tend to be drawn together for a reason and have kind of unconscious expectations and agreements with each other. It almost feels as if one of yours has been your compassionate support in the face of your wife's affair, absorbing that negativity even though it hurt you, putting your needs second

Oh yes, yes, yes, we're very much the co-dependent relationship. The funny thing is that we both want and need to get out of those dynamics. '(s)Mothering' her and putting her needs above mine is what got us here and this ain't no good place. But she's very much doing this push and pull thing SP was talking about in her post about expressing anger towards our T's. Oh how much we need to get both our assess into couples therapy!
Yes, I like tea, especially the virtual kind from you guys Smiler
Oh, and some more 'positive' news. We had a couple of childless hours this afternoon and she dug up a voucher we had been giving for a sauna. Being out of the house, sweating some of our stuff out and sleeping at the side of the pool just did wonders.
Thanks for the support, ladies. I hope to have more good news later - if not, I'll put out another distress signal from the caravan Smiler
I'll be taking repellent with me this time, effing mosquito kept me up all night.

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