Wish I had some fantastic words of wisdom for you but I can commiserate with you. I hate my job and it pays crap but it was all I could find after I got laid off from my dream job 5 yrs ago. I've been at the crappy job longer than I was at the dream job. After decades of searching I had finally found my passion and found a job doing it just to find out two years later that the industry had become obsolete. I am over 40, I have already been to college twice and now I have to see if there is anything else out there for me. Something I don't hate that will pay me something better. It is scary getting older and realizing that retirement is most likely a pipe dream.

So i am not much help but I do know how crappy and scary it is and I hope you can figure out something fabulous and then share your secret with me.

Can you get chickens where you live? Maybe some bunnies. If you have the space a miniature horse would be awesome! But T is right in the sense that you need to treat yourself to some fun once in a while no matter how ridiculous it may seem. It sometimes feels like a discipline like exercise but it is just as important.

Hi CD. I have no words of wisdom, but I do love your T for suggesting chickens

And of course, I have to second River's suggestion about bunnies...

It is a challenge to establish meaning for yourself alone. Some people wait for their kids to have kids and then pour themselves into their grandchildren's lives, without ever discovering their own potential or passions. I never married and have no kids, and that leaves a lot of room for wondering What is the point of it all? Why should I try to heal? Do I matter? I try to focus on the freedom of this "aloneness" instead of the fears that surround it, but it's not easy. (((CD)))

RabbitEars

Ditto CD. My passion now is writing, but there aint no $ in it. I detest my job but I feel there is no way out. It brings in the $ and thats about it. Bugger of a thing to wake up to it all and be stuck in shyte.

i had a change of jobs in April, went from finance manager to care assistant and I have just got myself a Vespa!!! You can do it.

i'm sorry so many are in the same boat! i was hoping for more success stories like scars. it sounds like you're enjoying it, so good for you, scars! what inspired you to change? do you drive on the freeway on your vespa?

yes, River, i also dread the whole getting older and retirement thing. i actually don't know if retirement is going to happen. and that's actually okay with me, i just don't want to work when i'm 75 because i HAVE to work in order to put food on the table. i'm afraid that's what i'm headed for, though. i'm not sure what the zoning in our area is for chickens. i'll have to look into that.

awww, sorry RE, i'm so sorry you suffer from the same very real fears. not fun at all.

yeah, muff and the older i get seems the shyte only gets deeper. sigh!

What about the bunnies?

You can't cuddle a chicken. Just sayin.

CD
I went bac to school when I was 35. Got 3/4 of the way thru it when I had my 3rd child. Not too smart in my part to mix school & kids. I could only go back bec my H financially supports us all. Finally graduated last yr.
I thought this was going to launch my career & things would move forward now. I was actually calling myself an artist for the first time & not jokingly put starving in front of it.

I dismantled my show on a Sunday as an artist & Monday I woke up as mom. Nothing had changed, degree didnt help anything. Now I have an expensive piece of paper I'm ashamed to hang in my studio.
I thought this is what I wanted. I was a different person when I went to campus for class away from my family. I was a part of something. But what I realized is I'd have to totally immerse myself into it to b what I wanted & 15 yrs ago it would've been great but now I can't do it. I live on the fringe & watch others. My problem is I don't think I'll ever be happy or know what truly makes me happy. I have no clue. I do know that I love to sleep but I can't make a career out if it.
So sometimes the grass is always greener kind of thing to think about.
I'd love to have chickens but H says no. Worms do worms! Great composters.
Sorry if this is a downer

quote:

I do know that I love to sleep but I can't make a career out if it.

LMAO

Totally! Would love if that were possible

Hi CD
I made a big career move when I was 42. I had a day job with an investment company, but I knew it wasn't right for me overall, and I was starting to get some heat from my supervisors in my new department. I started taking classes one at a time at night and it made me feel much better at my day job knowing I had sort of a backup plan. It was also fun kind of having a secret double life. Plus, one class at a time wasn't a big commitment. After a year or so, I went to school full time for a year and then I became a teacher, which was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Teaching has been very satisfying and rewarding and has given me so much confidence and a sense that I am someone who matters to other people and who can help people in some way.

I don't have kids or a husband, so I struggle during the summer months. It is embarrassing to say that I don't like having nine weeks of vacation, but there it is. I know people would kill for that kind of time off, but it is hard for me. So, the bottom line is that changing my career has been immensely beneficial to me, but it hasn't taken away the pain and the empty places that have been there forever inside me.

quote:

i'm blessed in alot of ways, and i know this. but there just seems to be a huge black pit of something that is lacking in my life, and it makes me feel dull and flat and like i don't know what the point is of it all. i'm functioning, but my heart isn't in any of it. it's like i'm just dead inside.

I can relate to this in spite of the career I love. It is only the second week of summer for me and I have been terribly lonely and experiencing that same sense of something lacking and not knowing what the point of me is. The good news, however, is that I am hopeful about my therapist and where I am with him now, so now is the perfect time to get to the other side of that pain if I can.

Not sure this helps, but making a change really worked for me.

Quell

River, bunnies don't lay eggs. at least not REAL bunnies

mudd, i know it's hard to go to school while you're raising kids, but people do it, and i think that's pretty admirable. is there anything you can do so that you don't feel like you have to live on the fringe and watch others? could you maybe set up studio in your home and teach others? just a thought ... i think there is a demand for that kind of thing.
i do know what you mean and i feel the same way, too about thinking i don't ever be happy or know what makes me happy. that's my latest conundrum and i'm looking at it, but it's hard. just gotta make a move, i think, and not just think about it.

worms? ewwww! i couldn't do worms. you can't really cuddle with those, either, and as far as i know they don't lay eggs, at least not the kind i like to eat. chickens!

Quell, i think that is awesome! good for you! what kind of teacher are you?

i'll bet you could find a ton of stuff to help fill your time and the dreaded void feeling in the summer. volunteer work, maybe a part-time seasonal job, etc. what do you do in the summer months?

that was nice to read that at 42 you totally switched careers. i admire that.

Has anyone talked to their T about career frustration? I have and every time I can't help thinking that she probably can't relate since she is doing what she wants to do, owns her own business, and can continue to do it forever if she wants. I know someone who went to school and became a t after 50. I would suck at it so that isn't an option for me. It is one of the few professions were younger isn't really better though.

I'm 52 and desperately want to go back to school. I want to change careers. I want to do what I really wanted to when I was young, but family influences well... let's just say I wasn't free from them back then and I picked my career path to stay safe.

I feel stuck too.

Does anyone feel that they have or had potential, but there is a ceiling or something holding them back. Like they can't get there, they are permanently stuck and life has passed by?

I can really relate to this. I don't mind the work of my job as much as I detest the people I work for. Totally non appreciative and even abusive and bullying. It is a very bad environment for me aside from the piles of work that no one could possibly handle.

For three years I was in college again and very few people knew and no one at work did. It gave me something to hold onto and it gave some meaning to my life. I am married and a mom but I needed my own identity. I have always struggled with who I am or what I could have been. Well I got my BS in psychology but you really cannot do anything with that. You need a graduate degree and I can't persue that for a number of reasons... one being financial. It's very expensive and there are really no scholarships for grad school and 2) mental health counseling is not a degree you just get by completing your classwork. There are many hundreds of hours of internship and practicum to complete and there is no way I could do that while working full time and raising a child. Just not enough hours in the day. We need my salary to survive so I have to work.

And yes, I have had the career discussion with T more than once. There is an aspect of grief and loss to this so it's part of my therapy. But I don't like to discuss this with him because I look at his schooling and career and how smooth it was for him and now that he is of a certain age (as I am) he has a nice practice, works 4 shortish days a week and takes his 4 vacations a year. How can he possibly understand the anguish I feel about being stuck in a job I hate and how inferior I have always felt about my lack of education?? He has a doctorate....he is doing what he loves (and is fabulous at, thankfully). I just don't think he can relate and I end up getting angry when we try to discuss it.

For me there is no answer and that just leaves me with grief and emptiness.

TN

Yes I can relate to this.
I'm almost 32, been working as a physical therapist for 8 or 9 years yet am in the process of changing careers. I have a 17 month old and would like to have another baby in the next few years. Yet I also have to work for us to manage financially and doing a masters or doctorate in psychology would either take forever or require us to take a huge financial hit for a few years. I always wanted to be a medical doctor but my mother died in my second last year of school and it sent me off the rails. I ended up doing physical therapy because I fell in love with a physical therapist when I was 17 and idealised him. I had no guidance, input or care from my family on this matter. Although I know I would be a great doctor, its too hard now. And yet my T is a medical doctor who practices as a psychoanalytic therapist and his wife does too. So its very hard to see him doing so well doing what I always wanted to do but won't be able to. And to now feel stuck and almost trapped doing something that is rewarding but not my true passion is very frustrating.

Hi CD, I know just what you mean. So are you scared most of the time because you know the kids will move out soon and you'll be on your own, or do you already feel you are on your own? ( Oh of course, the take care of yourself in retirement part too.) Did the divorce at least remove some negative stuff from your life? It sounds like you definitely would like to be OUT of your job but don't feel any particular desire to do anything else? I'm going to be the zillionth person to support the chicken of wisdom , assuming local zoning allows. It made me smile to think of it. I don't know if chickens are pack animals, but a single chicken sounds lonely. How about 3? My cousin has all these beautiful exotic chickens that lay different colors of eggs. A couple of them are very sweet and quite attached to her, I think one sits on her lap. I support the idea because maybe finding something that takes your world from black and white to color (in the old TV/movie way), if only for a short time a day, would give you a little mental break? I think even small periods of freedom from the fear might start opening your mind to possibilities, let you access things you have some interest in, so that you can then look into how those things relate to a career, and then you could see what you'd need to do to get there?

I badly want to leave a job I hate and am not even good at - plus mine has crappy pay but I don't know what I could do. I had a career, I stayed in school straight through until I was 32, and I worked in my career for 17 years. I had recurring depression the whole time, and I kept working to find the right kind of place where I could use my skills but avoid the horrible bullying jerks (hi there TN! I know the type you probably work with, they are twisted souls.)

I finally found my dream job. I put working with great people and doing interesting work way ahead of money, way way ahead of prestige, I got to live in one of my favorite places, and I had as much joy as someone as lonely as me can maybe have. I even got the money, just not the ridiculous money. The economy crashed, I got depressed again, I lost all self-confidence, and worked full time trying meds and kinds of therapy. Too discouraged to go back to my a career and way way behind in the field, I took a clerical sort of job across the country. I'm hoping to pull myself together then work on job thing.

Quell, fantastic that you love teaching, summer break must be like a really really long weekend, and weekends tear me up. I get people contact at work. Summer school teaching isn't an option? What about tutoring kids who have trouble keeping up with their grade?

Scars, oh man I have always wanted a Vespa, what color is it? I'm afraid to even ride a bike so I can't even test drive a Vespa.

Mudd, my childhood dream was to be an artist with a beautiful studio crammed with everything, every kind and color of paint, gorgeous fabric for work with textiles, things for ceramics and pottery, lots of sunshine and for some reason a hard wood floor. I still like to wander around art supply stores but can't draw anything and have no idea how to paint, etc. At least do some things just for you! What medium do you work in, what's your favorite kind of thing to work on?

Like several of you I'm not married and don't have kids and wonder why bother getting better (Just in time for my body to start falling apart, etc?) isn't it too late for me to learn to interact normally with others and not dread social stuff and weekends?

Like most of you I envy my successful therapist. I know I had potential, why did T get to realize his but mine just got lost?

CD, Being on your own is probably not so bad if you have a few good friends, plus you'll always have your daughters. And I think you could do a career switch, I really think you might come up with something in little times where you aren't thinking about the fear. We all know people do it. They usually seem like relaxed and open people, don't they? Is that the secret?

Oh and my cousin has told me that sometimes girl chickens gang up on a more passive or small chicken, so you want to pick out chicks that are outgoing and friendly. You might want to double check that I have that right!

Oh that is so long I am so embarrassed.

(((peanut)))! it's so good to see you! i'm glad you dropped in.

i'm scared most of the time because i already feel i am on my own, and because i know the kids will move on relatively soon. my prayer is that they can't see my sadness, but i'm sure it's not entirely transparent. yes indeed, the divorce did remove some negative stuff. i don't believe it was a mistake, but it doesn't make it less difficult by any means. he wasn't an evil person, maybe just unmotivated and not making or doing anything about progressing.

oh, the problem is that i DO desire to do something else, but for the life of me i don't know what that would be! i need to make a certain amount of income if i am to keep the boat afloat, but at my age i just feel as though the options are limited. or maybe i'm just stuck in that mind-frame. T brought the chicken thing up because of my child-hood dream of having a hobby-farm, but that's pretty much out of scope for me at this point, so maybe compensate and get some chickens? it is a pretty neat thought, isn't it? exactly, the black and white thing. we gotta do what we gotta go to stay at least in the sidelines, right? i'll keep the female bitch chicken situation in mind. that's good to know, thanks oh, and don't worry about lonely chickens ... it seems as though i have to have at least two pets going at all times.

i'm sorry to hear you suffer from what sounds like chronic depression? makes everything that much more difficult. seriously, it's so nice to see you around again, peanut!

(((CD)))!!! It is so kind of you to say hi and make me feel welcome!

So it sounds to me like the fear is partly sadness at having your daughters move on, and partly fear of having to take care of everything by yourself, no safety net, and maybe some loneliness, I can't tell for sure.
I took this government job I do now for health insurance but it has broken my spirit. I talked to my T about this - one of the things that people need is work, but not just any work - MEANINGFUL work. My present work ain't meaningful to me.
But I don't know how you go about doing something different. Where do you start to pick a new career??
One piece of advice, just in case you are nervous about age discrimination: Don't accidentally stumble onto a board where people are ranting about age discrimination. I haven't run into it yet, maybe there were good reasons not to hire a lot of those people. I work with a bunch of people who are pretty young - they are attached to Facebook all day. Not my dream employee.

Yep, I have "Treatment resistant depression", I've also heard it called "Major depression,severe, recurrent." Plus severe anxiety. I've had it since I was at least 18. I went to a special hospital program last fall and they did a major, major diagnostic workup. Conclusion was that anyone who grew up the way I did would be depressed and that I need very intensive therapy for a long time to correct what went wrong. Family therapy would be ideal,but usually not easy to ge5t family to cooperate. My parents definitely didn't do any of this on purpose

Look up Silkie Chickens, they look furry and are supposed to be affectionate, although some people say they go through a nasty teenager phase. Of course if you are planning on eating the chickens I'd go for a less friendly breed! If you really get chickens after all this you have to let us know!

I love your Helen Keller quote, CD! I hadn't noticed it before - that's me, crying at the closed door, I need to learn to accept change!

so nice to see you dancing around, peanut!

it is disappointing that so many of us are struggling with the whole career dis-satisfaction. i'm so sorry, all.

i have not solved the career issue, but i have discovered a passion that was right under my nose, and that is home-improvement projects. nothing big, but i'm in the middle of fixing up my basement. i tore down some panelling that i didn't like and there was dry-wall behind it, so i patched the drywall and am now priming and painting. nothing too expensive, but things to make the place more "mine". i have a really handy brother and he is teaching me how to do things as they come up. and an energy auditor gave me a bunch of suggestions to make the house more energy efficient, and it's a pretty lengthy list! so, i'll be busy for awhile. it's work, but it's stuff i actually enjoy doing, so i guess i found a passion for now. go me

That is awesome CD! Nothing better than a nice nest to come home to.

CD, I'm so impressed that you are doing this stuff yourself, really cool!

CD, a career possibility? I wish I could hire you to come fix up my place! And seriously, I think there would be a huge market for a female handyperson--i.e., single women who need home repairs but don't want to deal with a handyman

thanks all of you. i am deriving alot of pleasure and self-satisfaction from it.

RE, if i were 20 years younger that would probably be a good avenue, but at 51 i am getting a little tired and feel like i'm slowing down some. not sure i'd want to do that full-time. but thanks for the lovely suggestion! maybe somebody else out there a little younger? i think you're right, that there could be a huge market for somebody like that.

(((RT))) your acknowledgement means more to me than you can imagine. it's good to see you back

believe it or not, nor can i