Hello Magnolia and welcome to the forum! Sorry I can’t say that I’ve ever had a T play mind games with me (and I’ve seen dozens in the course of my therapy life lol) - do you really think your T is playing mind games or could it be more like some sort of major misunderstanding between you?

I echo Dragonfly’s question, could you explain a bit more about what’s happening that makes you think he is playing mind games?

Lamplighter

Hi Magnolia,
Welcome to the forums! I don't know if your T is playing games or not, but I can understand you being concerned about it. Ts really shouldn't play games, we're in therapy to learn to relate in a healthy manner with clear boundaries; we should be learning that by having our Ts model it. Don't get me wrong, I think our Ts can sometimes be aware of some of our issues and/or feelings before we are, and they will wait for us to become aware of them because until we can see the issues for ourselves, it won't help. But they should not be deliberately manipulating us, most of us have already had way too much of that in our lives from people who shouldn't have behaved that way and really damaged us by doing so. My T has told me a couple of times that eventually everything that needs to will come up in our relationship. That while he never intends to hurt or disappoint me, he is human and therefore, will inevitably fail me sometimes. When that happens then we can deal with the problems.

I don't know if you would feel comfortable doing this, but I would talk directly to him about your feelings and fears. Tell him that you feel like you're being manipulated, that he seemed more interested earlier, that he seems bored now. Although I believe you're seeing real behaviors on his part, we often assume we KNOW what another person's behavior means, and usually assume it's about us, when in reality it's about something completely different. The only way to know is to ask.

And if I may agree with dragonfly and LL, more details would be great. Looking forward to getting to know you better!

LL, good to hear from you!! It's been a little while, I've been wondering how you were doing.

AG

Hello Mgnolia- and welcome,

I agree with what's been said already, and I wanted to add, that for me- I had major trust issues so I would never let anyone in. I learned that my super independent attitude, was really a pseudo independent attitude- which meant that the walls of protection- of self preservation were so thick and high that therapy was not going any where. I would not let him in. After learning a bit about attachment theory here- not from my T, and my T being so incredibly gentle with me when the walls were tumbling down, I started to soften. This allowed me to share more deeply with him, and we started doing the much needed hard work. Until then- I was just spinning my wheels. the tough exterior had to be cracked in order to work on the hurts inside. (did not know this of course)

Several months later we had a miscommunication (shit he was doing that I did not like) and I called him on it. (doesn't matter what it was) He sincerely apologized, several times and admitted that I had every right to be angry and hurt, because he encouraged me to depend on him, and he breeched the relationship. I hated, hated, hated the whole dependency thing and told him that it made my life so much harder, and that things hurt. He explained that I was beginning to feel things.

Because of early childhood trauma, I was numb to most things in my life. I had to guess how to feel in given situations.
Being dependent allowed me to learn how to trust and therapy gave me a safe environment in which explore this. This was the HARDEST thing for me to understand and to do. It still is, but it is getting better.

Good luck to you, Magnolia- hope this helps.
Helle

I just wanted to add that he has been working on building the security of the little girl, the one I termed the stupid deaf mute. Now I refer to her as the little girl, the one who took the brunt of the abuse.
All of this became possible because I allowed myself to trust him, to be dependent on him.

Hi, Magnolia...welcome aboard!

I have felt that my P plays mind games with me at times. Tries to guage my reaction to things by doing certain things that would seem out of character. But I also think I am wrong about this, that it is a faulty perception on my part, because my P is not like that and I know it. But then I get really confused, and wonder if I am idealizing him, maybe he really would play mind games...maybe he is not so wonderful and honest and perfect a P as I have him in my mind! then I just get really really scared and want to quit. I suppose I should just ask, are you playing with my head about such and such...but if he really was the kind of P who would say that he would never play mind games but then go ahead and do it anyway without realizing he is, then I wouldn't get the truth anyway, wo what is the point. I really hate stuff like this. I think it's part of attachment...for me anyway. I'm always looking to see if my P is trying to trick me, undermine my confidence, devalue me...I can never be sure it's not happening, when it really really feels like that a lot. But somewhere inside I know he is not like that, so I just try, keep trusting though it is hard to do, especially when he messes up or seems not to care about me. Well this is my experience, I hope it helps.
Hang in there!

BB

Hey BB,

Early on- I asked my T that question and because I didn't know him very well, he wasn't offended. In a very serious point blank mannor- he said, "I don't work that way."

You and all clients have a perfect right to ask that question. And ask it more than once if the need arises.
Hele

thanks Helle- I know I should, but all I have to say is "eeek." I admire your courage and openess with your T! I wish I could just say what needs to be said, too. I'm getting a bit better, though! How are things?

BB

Things are getting to be ok, thanks.

For some reason I am less gutsy now than I was in the beginning. I don't think I cared what he thought about me in the beginning, and now I do. Also I did not know that some of my words could be hurtful to him as well. that is another thing I have learned.

I have noticed (since Magnolia brought this topic up) that my T will say things, that I am unsure of why he is bringing something up. It is like he is trying to steer the conversation in a certain direction. If I am not ready to hit that particular topic (for whatever reason) I just completely ignore his words. Thes may be mind gamse on his part, but I am not sure

quote:

You and all clients have a perfect right to ask that question. And ask it more than once if the need arises.

After reading this thread I decided to ask my T this question. I have a very suspicious side, so its not like I haven't frequently wondered before. But this time I broached the subject directly with my T, and her response was, "I don't play mind games. You are too important for that." The problem I have is much like BB described, that my T's answer might contain the right words and still not quell my doubts. After all, if she did play mind games why would she be honest about it? I also think things like, "My T is saying I am important just to appeal to my ego, not because I am genuinely important to her . She is knowingly misleading me." And on and on - my brain won't ever give it a rest for long. I realize by now that developing trust with her is something I have to experience over time, not just words that I hear only from her mouth.

Hi all, I've been following along and just wanted to throw this out there.

MH's comment:

quote:

The problem I have is much like BB described, that my T's answer might contain the right words and still not quell my doubts. After all, if she did play mind games why would she be honest about it? I also think things like, "My T is saying I am important just to appeal to my ego, not because I am genuinely important to her . She is knowingly misleading me."

made me remember something my t once told me when I was interrogating her about her intentions... I was basically questioning her honesty with me vs. her just putting on an "i'm going to say nice things about you because you pay me" face. She kinda stopped and looked at me and goes, "CT, why would I jeopardize all of the work you and I have done together by lying to you?" I think at that point, it really hit me that it was almost insulting to her for me to think she would invest so much time and effort into something she didn't have her heart in (not that she doesn't expect my questioning or doesn't understand it). Idk, I guess I just really felt her authenticity in that moment... thought it might help for you all to think of mind games from that perspective.

Also, (one more thought!) so much of what we work on in therapy is in pursuit of truth... I don't think we can find truth when we're being lied to or played with. And I think most good t's realize that. I'm not saying my t won't ask me leading questions or try to point me in a certain direction, but she never sets me up or creates situations in an attempt to "help" me. Like she said, anything other that being herself with me (in her limited t fashion) will only HURT our relationship, and therefore cause more pain.

Magnolia- Nice to meet you. I don't have much information about you, but I'm wondering if your t is reflecting your emotions? You said

quote:

Now that he knows it isn't possible for me to be interested in him, he seems really disinterested and bored.

... so you're disinterested and now he's disinterested... just a thought. He might just be looking for a way to connect with you. I work with kids, and one of the ways I get in touch with them is by partially ignoring them until THEY initiate something with me... kinda pull back and let them lead, but I'm never bored. I say talk to him about it if you can!

Thanks,
CT

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
I'm wondering if your t is reflecting your emotions? You said

quote:

Now that he knows it isn't possible for me to be interested in him, he seems really disinterested and bored.

... so you're disinterested and now he's disinterested... just a thought. He might just be looking for a way to connect with you. I work with kids, and one of the ways I get in touch with them is by partially ignoring them until THEY initiate something with me... kinda pull back and let them lead, but I'm never bored. I say talk to him about it if you can!

Thanks,
CT

Hi Magnolia....

I just thought I'd say hello....and say that I think that CT may have a good insight on this one. Some T's use mirroring language (verbal and non-verbal) to establish a connection. It is a valid technique...but to be honest it makes me edgy (suspicious)...and makes me want to play that game with them. I get a bit caught up in it...and then it just becomes funny to me.
This is usually when I "call" my T on it and tell her to stop doing it. She tries very hard...to the point of sitting totally still and pasting on a non-face. (if she can't be a mirror...then she has chosen to be a blank screen.)

Is it a game? Is it a technique? I guess...the big question is: Does it work? OR...How do you make it work? hmmmm......

I have had one P that admitted to being bored with me. My response was: "Well...let's not do this anymore." And I terminated on the spot. No follow up...nothing. However, because she admitted honestly to her feelings, I was grateful for that and did not leave the situation with bitterness. I ended up seeing her a few years later (a chance encounter) and we talked for about 20 minutes in a hospital stairwell. She further admitted to me that she felt that she had been wrong about me, mistakes had been made and that we could have worked together successfully had the circumstances been better at that time. Not my fault....not her fault either.

I feel very lucky to have gotten this feedback from her and would very much like to speak to her again.....someday.

SD

PS. To speak to your topic direcly. I do not think that there are many therapists out there that intentionally play games. However if they are not skilled in dealing with their counter-transference then gaminess is distinctly possible.

quote:

I was basically questioning her honesty with me vs. her just putting on an "i'm going to say nice things about you because you pay me" face.

Hey CT-
Once I called my T- "my paid friend" Needless to say , that did not go over well, and I was so sorry tht I had said that.