(((ABOUT))))

I think it's great that you can make fun of some of your own tendencies. At the very least, it provides some comic relief but it actually sounds very healthy. I am not there yet.

quote:

It is just so very exactly how I feel: any word I say, or my T says will be used to prove I am terrible.

You need to hire that attorney asap!

About, I like this concept a lot.

I am sure I have a judge too. But the bit that gives me the most trouble though is what I call my 'overbearing inner protector'.

This part of me has learned that the best way to stop me from doing anything that is considered 'risky' (and by risky, I mean activities such as reaching out to other people, trusting others, having faith in myself etc, etc) is to scare the shit out of me by reminding me of all the times the 'risky' behaviour has resulted in disaster. Note the black and white language - there is no middle ground in the inner protector's world.

Let's say in session I decide I want to reveal something I am experiencing to my T. Cue "OMG, Doooom! What are you thinking?! Stupid, stupid stupid!" thoughts. It doesn't matter to the inner protector that I now have evidence that things can go okay and have in the past. It just wants me away from the threatening situation and fast.

Sometimes the more rational bits of me end up fighting with it, other times I end up reasoning. Other times I try to be kind to it, even though it's battering me with remembered fear which isn't any fun at all. After all, it's in all likelihood a very old piece of behaviour/coping that probably kept me safe using the only methods available at the time.

Sometimes I joke about making friends with it and teaching it some other skills. I have an image of it sitting crossly in the corner doing some knitting and glaring at me.