I haven't been around for a while, and don't know if I will be able to be in any regular sort of capacity, because I was getting really triggered to the point of unsafety by posting anything at all, and then having to delete. Just a vulnerability --> self-loathing --> projection onto others --> debilitating terror --> unsafe/crisis cycle I kept getting in, so I did some self care and stepped away. When I tried to post so nobody would worry, I had the same reaction and just couldn't.
But, I am feeling safe enough to post just a little right now and see how things go. Therapy has been really good. I figured out I am a human being, that humans have needs (even relational and emotional ones, not just food/water/shelter) and have been stepping into the very early terror around that concept with T, feeling really connected and increasingly safe. Hard, good work. Still missing T between sessions and needing to stay in touch more than I'd like, but I need a lot less contact to trust the connection and I'm not either going into full-blown crisis or numbing out on a regular basis.
Sorry, that was more of an update than I meant to give. Anyway, I have been thinking about all of you (and I'm sure there are new people on here since I stepped away--Hi and welcome!) a lot and just wanted to say so. Hopefully, I don't freak out and can leave this up. I'm not having impending doom at the thought of posting, so fingers crossed!!!
Lots of love and
to everyone.-Non
