Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
4 replies

Missed Session Yesterday

kmaykmayMember
I was not feeling well and came home from work early. I had a Dr's appointment that I cancelled and I laid down to rest for a few hours before session. My Hubby was home and came in and woke me up 30 mins before session but I mumbled something about not going. I was in one of those states where I was asleep but thought I actually did was I was dreaming of doing, which was calling T to tell her that I could not make it. I had an awful dream about old T and new T...I can't remember all the details but I know I was dialing old T's number on my cell over an over and then I would hang up. I was suicidal in my dream and convinced she was the only one who could help me. It was an awful dream..nightmare is the better description. I woke up about 5 minutes after my session should have started and I called T right away. She answered and I apologized profusely and told her the truth. That I had fallen asleep. She asked "Whats up with you?" - in a very caring way. It's funny to hear her say that b/c she is this grandmotherly type woman. I told her I was sick with some type of head cold which I am sure she could hear in my voice. She told me she hopes I feel better and then confirmed our appointment for next week and asked if that was ok? I wanted so bad to ask if I could come in Thursday or Friday so that I didn't have to wait a week to see her, but I just couldn't ask. I feel like I don't deserve it since I missed session and didn't even call her within a reasonable amount of time so that she could fill the opening. I have a really hard time asking for what I want. One thing I noticed though, I used to get angry with old T if she didn't "guess" what to say to me. If I had that same conversation with old T and she didn't offer to give me a new appointment without me asking, my mind would have gone to this place "She doesn't care about me. She doesn't want to see me. She doesn't know me at all, she only pretends to. If she knew me, she would know to ask me if I wanted to come in sooner. She hates me." so on and so on...
I didn't feel any of that with new T yesterday. I see that as a good sign. That the boundaries she has are healthy and are therefore preventing that type of dynamic. But I still long for it...I still want it and I have been thinking so much about old T. Its so unfair. I want her to stop consuming so much of my emotional energy and so many of my thoughts but I don't know how to stop. And now I feel as if I am not sure I can go back to new T next week. I feel like I am not worth her time if all I think about is old T. I feel she deserves better. I really really hope I can get past this by next week so I can move forward in therapy with her Frowner
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

H hopefulMember
Hi kmay,
My thoughts toward the end of your post are you are putting pressure on yourself...it sounds like your new T is caring. I think your new T understands you just weren't feeling well and you do deserve her care and you couldn't help missing the appointment. It sounds like your feelings about your new T are good already...just try to go with that. You deserve good care!

's
Hopeful
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Kmay
You deserve a great T who is understanding of the ongoing difficulties you are having with old T and helps you to sort through them. A great T will understand the intense attachment that gets formed between patient and T and that when that ends badly, there is a long process of sorting and grieving. She sounds great. Hang in there and get better soon xxx
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
(((Kmay))) I've missed sessions with much less justification that you did. My T has always been great about it. I think having it happen every once in a while just isn't that big a deal. I'm glad she was so understanding about it.

I think its fantastic that you have learned to move past the "if she really cared, she'd know what I need." It's very common for abuse survivors because you are supposed to have a period in early childhood where someone is so focused on you and paying close enough attention that they identify your needs and then teach you how to identify them and what you need to do to get them met. In normal development, we learn to be responsible for our own needs, to identify them and ask for what we need. So the sign of someone loving us isn't that they know what we need without our having to ask, its that they are responsive when we ask. But that was a very difficult and painful thing for me to learn. I can still feel like a gesture is meaningless if I have to ask for it. So I think the fact that you can see her boundaries as being caring as well as limiting is a really important shift.

As for talking about old T, it was a serious injury, layered on and reinforcing old hurts. Grief has to run its course and you should talk about it as long as you need to. Of course you are worth her time, I have a feeling that a good therapist is even more anxious to help a client who was injured by another therapist. I know nothing makes my T sadder than hearing about Ts who seriously fail their patients. Just keep expressing how you feel and the emotional intensity will eventually drop off. All that said, I know its not a lot of fun to be in the middle of.

Hug two

AG
kmaykmayMember
Hopeful, Green Eyes, Cat, AG,

Thanks Friends Hug two
I know realisiticly T is not upset with me for missing session. She could tell how sick I was in my voice. I am in one of those places where I feel like anyone who I view in a positive light will be toxified by me and therefore should not be in my presence in order to not get contaminated by me Frowner

quote:
I can still feel like a gesture is meaningless if I have to ask for it. So I think the fact that you can see her boundaries as being caring as well as limiting is a really important shift.

- That AG, is Exactly how I feel....or have felt in the past. Frowner If I have to ask for it, then its completely meaningless. So I don't ask. My mind tells me if someone really knows me, really loves me, really cares about me then they will know what I need. Old T used to get irritated about this. She used to tell me that she can't read my mind Frowner

However, I do see it differently with new T and I know thats good.

I always knew, for a long time, with old T that the boundaries were not safe. I always had a lingering feeling that they would one day cuase a problem but I never thought it would end up the way it did. I used to sometimes wish that she had more structured and consistent boundaries b/c I would get confused about the relationship. But of course the child part of me was screaming "No! no! We are so special to her....let her baby us and care for us like this."

With new T, she is structured & consistent and I can see that the boundaries are in place for me. To keep me safe. She does a very good job of making it perfectly clear that the therapy is about me and keeping me safe. I like that. I like her. I feel safe with her. But behind all that, something tells me that I don't deserve her. What if I ruin it like I did with old T? That is what plays over and over in my mind.

Well, thank you friends for your support.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×