I know I cried every day for a week after leaving oldT. It was really rough, but it did get better. And for what it's worth, the bond I have with T is different from whatever I had with oldT, but I think it's actually stronger.

Sorry you are missing your T.... I am sure it is part of the process and will come up no matter how well you were prepared for the parting or no matter how much contact you are allowed to continue to have with her.

Hope it feels better for you.

I am sorry that it still hurts so much. I still miss my old T from forever ago, and can't seem to shake the feelings permanently, so you are not alone. However it gets easier I hope! Keep talking about it with new T- I think that is the best- I stopped talking about it with current T, because of feeling ashamed of still having those feelings for so long- and now it still comes up and bites me. So don't shut it down, however long it takes-

hug,

Beebs

Thanks for the hugs and kind words, all!


As I sang today I thought of my former T. I was wishing I could see her or wishing she could be there with me. I guess in a way she was (in my heart and mind). Oddly enough after the church service today my pastor came over to me and mentioned my former T's name and wondering if I could ever do an internship at her office. My pastor set my former T and I up over a couple of years ago. I told him that I'm done seeing her and I'm not sure whether or not I'll be able to do an internship at her clinic. I just thought it was strange that she was on my mind for much of the service and she must have been on the mind of my pastor too.


Ok...I need to go work on my project before I feed my kids supper.

ugh. I'm crying and missing former T as I sip on a certain hot beverage that I used to have in her office during sessions. Just the scent reminds me of our conversations. This research for my paper has a lot do to with attunement and attachment between therapist and client and it's rather triggering. Everything reminds me of her. I miss her.
I did a rather odd thing and checked her open FB page. ugh. Why do I do that? Just seeing her picture calms me, yet makes me sad.
From my client perspective I think this is normal, but when I think of future clients doing this stuff over me one of these days, I'm kind of creeped out. sigh.

Ok...I really need to get to my paper. I can write over 10 pages in two days, right?

Hugs for you (((((((( Athenacus ))))))))

LL

Athenacus,

I am sorry feelings for your former T continue to rear their ugly head and distract you from preparing for your future career. I am sure there will be good in this as this struggle will help you empathize with future clients. I also struggle with feelings for my former T and I don't know if these feelings will ever completely go away. Grieve them when you need to and then take another step forward....just like you are already doing. I don't know your story but it sounds like you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Good for you!

deeplyrooted

Thank you for the kind words and hugs. I can't type much at the moment....gotta get to work...
I did get my paper done with 5 minutes to spare on the computer submission. I think it turned out pretty crappy and I had no time to read it over for errors. This was a paper that I researched and wrote through tears, so it didn't seem to turn out very logical. I really hope I don't flunk out of grad school. I love what I'm learning, but my grades are not so great right now. I guess I can try and redeem myself during finals.

This has been a while ago, so I hope things have gotten better for you. Lots and lots of hugs! Trust me, I miss my old therapist too and think of him very often. Even though I was the one who chose to leave him, it was still really hard for me.

quote:

I know my new T will be good for me, but I don't know if I'll ever have that same type of bond with her. Maybe that's a good thing though.

Totally relate to this as well. I feel like it's something I wrote. My new therapist is super nice and empathetic, and she's been really supportive of me during the whole transference issue I've had. She's very different from the transference therapist, and we don't have the same kind of bond, but we have one, nonetheless. Keep in mind that no two bonds are ever the same, and while your relationship with your former therapist was special, your new relationship may be wonderful as well, just in a different way.

Thank You Black_Tea and others!

I still miss my former T. I did see her for a brief few minutes last month (you can see my post on that). I was kind of looking for her at "her" restaurant today as well. I was there talking to a relative, so I wasn't there to solely see her. Anyway, I thought I might see old T, but did not. Oh well.
I still look at a pic I have of former T when I need to remind myself of my attachment to her. I also look at it and think of some things she used to say to me when I'm having a hard time...the I can get through tough times kind of thing. Know what I mean?

I told a guy friend this evening that I wish for a mentor type of relationship with former T (more than a client type of relationship) since I am a T in training. I wish that I could have outside contact with her such as discussing academic material....something other than my personal issues. I explained to my guy friend about my great connection with former T, but also the therapeutic boundaries and the power differential thing that would probably mean another type of relationship wouldn't work. My guy friend told me to "F*#k the boundaries, contact her, and try for a mentor relationship with her.
I love my guy friend!
I think I know deep down that former T could never fulfill whatever needs I think I need from her. My best guess is that I need to fulfill those on my own. As hard as that is to say, and I type those words with every fiber of my being screaming NO, I know it's true.

I just really miss her. I've never missed a female in this way before, so it's all new to me as far as this type of relationship goes.

Oh my God, it's scary how similar all transference issues are with therapists. I, too, long for a mentor relationship with my former T. I wish he can be like a friend/uncle to me, so I could meet his family, or call him just to chat about my news, not for a session. Do you discuss your ex with your new T? I do that, and it can be helpful. Hopefully your new T is a very good one, and can help you process your transference. I don't know how exactly it's done, but I know that ideally, you learn to overcome the feelings of loss and maintain the positive aspects of transference (the love and respect you feel). I hope you're OK!

Btw, if you don't mind telling me, why did you stop seeing her? Did she terminate you, or was it your decision?

Black_tea-

Thank you for writing back.
As I read on this board, I do see a lot of people wanting different types of relationships with their T or at least the feelings for their T are similar to mine.

I have two T professors currently that don't believe in transference/countertransference. They say it's a special relationship that the client and therapist have. A kind of relationship that isn't the same as any other because both people bring themselves to the room. I find that a refreshing perspective. I think I'm leaning more toward that in my theoretical orientation.

As far as why I stopped seeing former T....
my insurance plan was up last fall. T had briefly mentioned ending at that time (it was about a three month notice, I think). At the end of the one of my sessions T said she would fill out the exemption form for me to still see her, if I wanted. With my insurance plan I was out of network and it's a pain in the butt for both of us to make phone calls and do paper work for me to see her. Also, T said that if I ever wanted to do an internship at the clinic she works at, I couldn't be a client there. I figured that, but I never dreamt that I could even get an internship (not paid) there. I highly doubt that I will be able to get an internship there anyway in a couple of years, but I thought it was a great compliment for her to even bring it up! I chewed on ending the relationship for a couple of months. We had some great sessions during that time. I also kept bringing up termination and we set a date.
At that last session, she asked if I really thought I was ready to leave. The way we held each other's gaze seemed to me to say that neither one of us wanted to end. She said something like I'll probably run into her out in the community at some point and we can chit chat, so it's not like I'll never see her again or anything.

Oh...I wish I could write more, but I just looked at the clock and I have to get myself and my kiddos ready and out the door for the day...

Maybe I'll be back later...