Hi catgirl. Of course this is okay to write about here. These are your feelings and they are welcome here. I'm sorry you are missing your mom so much. I know it's hard.

I lost my mom just over a year ago but my grief is complicated by the fact that my mom was abusive to me and so it gets very complicated grieving her loss. My T is helping me come to terms with things that happened and perhaps one day I will find some peace with everything that happened in my past.

I totally understand how you can feel at loose ends when your T is away. When my T went away for only one week last summer I felt lost and a little frightened to be without him. Luckily I had a lot of his emails and I just read them over and over to give me some strength. He seems to believe that I am strong and because I trust him I tried to see it the way he does. Of course it also helped to have a friend to talk to and this board. And somehow I made it through.

So we are here for you and feel free to talk about anything you need to.

TN

quote:

(Is this an okay thing to write about here? It doesn't really have to do with my therapy. I just needed to talk about it.)

Most definitely! It's a part of your struggle and that't what we are here for!

quote:

My mom died on Memorial day, May 26, 2008. I've really been missing her these past couple of days. The pain gets almost unbearable at times. I think it feels heightened because my therapist is out of town. She's been so supportive through my grieving process. It's hard to be without her. When she's gone, it reminds me that Mom's gone.

I miss Mom.

I lost my mom in September of 2005. Like TN, my mom was abusive so It's confusing and hard. I don't miss HER so much as I long for a mother. But I definitely understand how things are harder since your T is away. It triggers stuff in us that remind us of the past and how things were/weren't; especially abandonment! When my T was on vacation, I drove by her office a few times just to feel closer to her. It was hellish and the days passed SO SLOWLY.

I'm sorry you are missing your mom so much. I encourage you to write here as much as you need to. Maybe it would help to do some writing TO your T since you can't talk to her?

-CT

Hi CG,

Sorry to hear of your loss. It's been less than a year so I can understand how painful that must be for you. My mom's been gone since March 18, 1996, every year (for weeks around that time) since her death I have had a difficult time dealing with my grief (hence the reason I haven't been on here for a few weeks). Like TN and CT I was abused and neglected by my mother as a child, and It's probably the loss of a mother that I grieve as opposed to the loss of the woman she was.

It sounds like your mom was very special to you. When you are missing her try to think of some of your best times together and allow yourself to smile or laugh about them, and possibly that will lessen the pain that you have been feeling.

It's unfortunate that your T is away while you are having this difficult time, it sounds like you could really use her right now. I don't think that there is anything right or wrong that can be written here, so write as much as you need to, everyone will listen and offer you some comfort.

Best wishes,

Holly

Oh catgirl, your t's absence sounds like miserable timing! My mum is still alive but I can feel her leaving from the world. She's quite ill and part of my last visit was starting to say goodbye to her. She has been a lousy mother, but still, mother she is. Someone once said to me that your mum dying is one of the most traumatic things that happens in life. I hope your t won't be away for too much longer so you'll have some help soothing your pain!

SB

Thanks, everyone, for "listening" to me. I feel less alone.

In the weeks and months preceding and proceeding Mom's death, my T was so very there for me. We grew very intimate through this experience. Mom died, and she was the next best thing. That is one of the reasons why I'm so strongly transferred to my therapist. I honestly don't think I could have made it through without her. The fact that my T is out of town reminds me that Mom died. And then, I miss both of them. I miss Mom and my T isn't here to make it all better. I miss my T, and she's not here for me.

One of you commented on the grandness of the loss of a mother. It's huge! My dad died when I was 20 years old. Now, mom died when I was 36. The death of my mom has surely been the most difficult thing that I've ever experienced. Also, she was my last living parent, so now I'm an orphan. Sometimes I feel so alone in the world.

My mom wasn't abusive. She was very closed and unavailable emotionally. There were times when she should have protected me from abuse, and she turned her back, because she was afraid to face it. But, whatever, she was my mom. I loved her very much. The only person I've ever loved as much as I loved my mom is my daughter.

When mom was dying (she battled cancer for 6 years), I tried to connect with her. I gave to her from my heart. She didn't know what to do with it. I was trying so hard to get her to show me love. Then, through working with my therapist, I decided that I was going to just love her, not try to get her to love me, just give her my heart. I didn't necessarily get the response from her that I would have dreamed of, but it didn't really matter, because I was giving, not receiving.

Then, I got a phone call saying that she took a turn for the worse; they gave her 10 days to live. I flew out there the next day with my daughter. By the time I arrived, she couldn't move or talk. At one point, I looked at her. She made eye contact with me. I thought, "If I were in her position, and I were dying, what would I want from my daughter?" Then, I decided that I would want to see my daughters face smiling at me. So, I smiled, and in that smile, I gave her a lifetime of love. Tears came to her eyes. She wrinkled her forehead and started trying to talk, but she could only move her chin up and down and make a grunting noise in her throat. I told her, "It's okay. You don't need to talk. I know what you want to tell me. I already know it in my heart." Then, I told her how I know that she loved raising us, how she liked watching me grow up, all of the things that she's proud of me for, and most of all, she's proud of the caring, loving, intelligent woman I've become, etc. She had tears streaming down her face. Our eyes were locked. All of a sudden, her walls were down. She was open. I could feel all of the love that she had for me. I gave her all of the love that I had for her. We were connected. Somehow, at this moment, I felt connected to all of the love in the universe. This moment was filled with enough love for a lifetime for me.

I love my mom. And I miss her. I don't want her to be gone from me. My heart hurts.

Thanks for reading this.

catgirl

((((((((((catgirl))))))))))

"The fact that my T is out of town reminds me that Mom died. And then, I miss both of them. I miss Mom and my T isn't here to make it all better. I miss my T, and she's not here for me."

Sweety, your therapist will be back soon. She (therapist)is there for you even if she isn't physically with you. She won't abandon you. She did not die. Try writing letters to her sharing your feelings of loss for your mom and how you have fears of loosing her. It sounds like your are seeing your therapist as your mother figure. Confide in her. She will help support and hold your feelings .......... its a healthy thing to do

When does your therapist return?

Wiz

Boy, can I sure relate to the loss of a mother. I co-wrote/co-created this poem with someone else who also lost her mother.

ONE MORE DAY


I remember your eyes
The delicate splash of ebony pearl
A sparkling blue hue
My tear caught in the moment of good-bye


Held back, surrendering
A cameo in silhouette
Your gentle smile, beyond description
A chameleon in your own life


And then there was the chair
Full metal, two become one
How do I get out of this?
How did you? How did I?
Enveloped in a cacophony of muted dreams


Silent, yet evocative
Passionate, yet crippled
A lady-in-waiting
Pregnant without child
In this life, lived


When did the dying begin?
Weighted with the burden of perceived realities
Deep sighs, a broken spirit
Fading into a fragile presence
Can you see me? Do I want you to?


On the brink of a freedom
Two hearts coming together as one
Your transcendence begins
Why now, I rage!
Why not now, I am reminded


As I hold you
In the bed, in my soul
Yearning for the impossible
Wanting a release from your suffering and pain
Yet never wanting to know good-bye
You are gone - I am alone
As always


Cremated in the service of others
Ashes boxed and free
Your spirit
Ephemeral
Longing for just one more day

quote:

All of a sudden, her walls were down. She was open. I could feel all of the love that she had for me. I gave her all of the love that I had for her. We were connected. Somehow, at this moment, I felt connected to all of the love in the universe. This moment was filled with enough love for a lifetime for me.

Catgirl, your post made me cry as it's sure the most beautiful thing you did for your mum. I hope I can drum up the strength for just the love to remain when the time comes with mine. I am glad she opened up for your in her last moment to receive your love! It's such a huge thing!

SB

Wiz,
You nailed it. When my T is unavailable, such as when she's on vacation, I feel abandoned. I guess it's ultimately a good experience, because each time she comes back I learn that she'll come back, ya know? I'm lucky that she wrote the letters to me. I have them to hold onto.

It's been so hard. I've been holding onto my T so tightly, since my mom died, and it's really hard when she's not here.

Your response was touching.


Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your poem. It's beautiful. The imagery is amazing.

SB,
I hope that you can open up and experience the love with your mother. For me, it took a lot of work on myself, specifically in the area of acceptance, but it was worth a lifetime of work.

catgirl

I've had so many dreams about my mom since my T has been out of town.

Last night, I had about 4 of them. In all of them, I ended the dream by sobbing that my mom was either dead, or going to die. I woke up crying numerous times in the night. Now, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

When my T's not available, it reminds me that mom's dead. When I remember that Mom's dead, I miss my T. She'll be back tomorrow, YAY!

I just needed to share this. I know that some people are going to read this today. I wanted to feel like SOMEONE knows what's going on inside of me. Thanks for reading this.

catgirl

{{{{{{ Catgirl }}}}}}