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16 replies

Mixed feelings about my T

elianaelianaMember
I've never been on therapy until now and i wasnt prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions that it would bring to my life. It's so consuming! I've had around 8 sessions with my therapist, weekly. I went to solve a problem career related (honest!) and right on the first session i ended up breaking down in tears as soon as he mentioned my relationship with my mother. Talking about going for an aspirin and ending up having major surgery! Of course he thought he found gold regarding my mother issue, so we've been working (and well) on that ever since.
However something changed in me somewhere during my last 2 sessions. I developed a crush on him, even though he's on his sixties (and please forgive me, but he is not my type at all) and I'm on my mid-twenties. It became a full-blown passion after the last session. For some stupid reason I'm not sure why (maybe because I was starting to be aware of my unnatural feelings for him) I could barely look him in the eye. I had never had trouble doing so, but he definitely noticed (and metioned it) *glup*. Because I was going away for 2 weeks he felt the need to reassure me and saying that he would be there once I came back, and that he would think about me during these weeks (why oh why did you have to say that to me?)
So here I am during my holidays and I can't stop thinking about him. I just can't seem to disconnect. I've read loads on transference (thank God it's not just me), my particular issue, how therapy is supposed to go, and yes, I've googled him. He has a website with a freaking tracker (so by now he already knows I've visited his website twice! I felt so bad for doing it I blocked his website from my browser, and I don't ever wanna look him up again!).
My feelings go from fantasizing about him, conversations with him, meeting him outside therapy, to feeling extremely angry at him for provoking this on me (when I never meant for him to be this important in my life), for not reaching out for me more. It's such a rollercoaster I don't know where it will stop. On the last days I've been doubting that he can help me, because he only has 10 years of experience on councelling (is 10 years experience enough btw?), because sometimes I think he misunderstood me, or he didn't say something i expected him to say, etc. I know we are supposed to be honest and tell the truth about our feelings but I honestly doubt he's gonna take all this lightly, he'll probably freak out or I'll scare him or something. It's all so overwhelming! Am I alone in any of this?
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S sadlyMember
No you are not alone - I forget the exact figures but they say that about 80% of female clients fantasise about their male therapist. And a huge proportion seem to have transference.

I would normally say that it would be helpful to tell him. I normally would. But also I would say be gentle on yourself and tell only what you feel comfortable saying at this stage. you are fairly early on in your therapeutic relationship with him and he does not fully know you yet.

Why am I saying this? BEcause I had amazing erotic transference for a while with my T and I did not tell him at the time, it was just far too embarassing. But I told him later, when it had worked itself through. I am glad I did as I am quite a shy person and I would have found it too excrutiatingly embarassing to be in the same room admitting to something so difficult for me. Mind you, I know a lot of clients have no difficulty telling their T about these kinds of attachments and thoughts.

I did not know how long this kind of thinking would last, and I still wonder if they will come back, but they have not for at least five months. I think it was part of what I was processing at the time and that I worked it through for myself and then wrote it out and gave him the over view of the previous six months or so .

I guess I am trying to reassure you that it is normal and that he will not be surprized if you do tell him and that he will be trained to work with this kind of transference and that being honest and open is the best policy really. It could really help to reveal other things that have happened in your life and why you have feelings like that for him.

Good luck with it. I know it is a very confusing phase to be in. Normal, but confusing.
elianaelianaMember
Hey Sadly, thank you so much for your post. It feels better knowing that this is normal and I'm not alone on this. I don't have (or I think I don't!) erotic feelings over him, it seems very parental/romantic if that makes sense. To be honest I think he already see it coming considering I chose him as my therapist, and I have pointed out to him that he is my dad's age and also has the same name as the last love of my life. Nevertheless I can't help feeling weird about writing things like this down (c'mon, it IS weird!!) and I have no idea how the hell I'll mention this to him, but I hope our relation develops well and I feel safe enough to do it.

I'm also a bit worried because I came to him telling him that I needed counselling regarding my next career step (which would always include moving somewhere else), but now part of me doesn't want to leave his side, I don't want this to end in 2 or 3 months, but I'm worried he's counting on it to end by then. What happens to clients when therapists retire anyway? I'm scared of getting closer to him just to end up being left.
L lieseMember
Eliana,

I'm in a bad spot right now so I don't have too much to say but I feel really bad for you. I remember when I started therapy and how scary everything was. Who knew there was all that stuff underneath the layers? I'd probably fall for him too. He sounds nice. Hope you can work it out a little and enjoy your vacation.

xoxoxo

Liese
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Eliana,
Welcome Welcome to the forums! I know it's incredibly confusing when these intense feelings start to rise up in therapy, I went through all of what your describing. My therapist is 62, but I'm fifty so he doesn't look SO old to me. Big Grin And yes, I think 10 years is long enough (it takes about 10,000 hours or five years for the average person to become really competent at a job, so he's way past that point. And I often think people who become therapists later in life often bring a great deal of life experience.)

There has been alot written on the forums about this, I would do some browsing and do searches on "transference."

I think that eventually talking to your P about your feelings is the right thing to do. The feelings you are having about him can teach you important things about yourself and therapy is a safe place to be able to explore them with the person you're having them.

I have worked through a lot of these feelings with my T and have been able to be very open with him about how I feel about him. He has always told me that he has the boundaries and that nothing will happen between us that shouldn't but that all of my feelings are welcome in his office. I stopped going regularly to therapy about a year and a half ago, although I still go see my T when I feel the need and I have written about my healing on my blog and I think there are a few posts you might find helpful, especially Disorganized Attachment or Why you think you're crazy, but really aren't and Why won't my therapist just tell me how this works?!?.

AG
elianaelianaMember
Oh gosh I love this site! You girls have been real lifesavers to me Smiler

@Liese: I hope you are feeling better now and you're getting as much help as you can. Thank you for your support, yeah I guess he is nice, although paranoid me likes to distrust that. I've been feeling more steady today anyway.

@Attachment Girl: Thank you for welcoming me. Actually I ended up in this site thanks to your blog, that I read entirely and that I absolutely loved. You explain so many things that are happening inside of me so well that I found myself laughing and crying while I read it. Your therapist sounds fabulous and I am one of the girls that has a secret crush on him as well *blush*.
My T has an amazing life experience that makes me jealous, he is so well travelled and has worked in lots of different fields, including areas where he helped people directly, so he must have a good heart right?

Can't wait for next week so I can sit awkwardly in his office and say absolutely nothing relevant Big Grin
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Eliana,

Thank you so much for what you said about my blog, I am very flattered. My turn to blush. Smiler I was especially glad to hear you found it so helpful. I love being able to share my T's wisdom.

Your T sounds pretty wonderful; it's understandable you're feeling this way. As you saw with my T a good therapist can have such an important impact on your life.

And I know it's unspeakably scary, but instead of saying nothing relevant, try telling him how you feel. It's amazing how much can get done when you talk about what's going on with you and your feelings for your T.

AG
ladygreyladygreyMember
Eliana,

Your wide range of emotions are totally normal. I can go from loving my T, feeling loved by her to looking at my cell phone in disgust that she hasn't texted back right away and literally saying out loud, "I hate you" to the phone (meaning her as the recipient of such message).

We are so vulnerable and intimate (emotionally) with our Ts....and we pay them for this. its hard not to feel both love and fear in such a dynamic.
elianaelianaMember
I so agree with you, I'm amazed that therapists don't mention right away the consequences of getting into therapy. My T knew I've never done it before, half of me feels like he built a trap around me.

I thought I'd go to him, get some neat advice and move on! Instead I feel as unbalanced as a love struck teenage girl.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Its almost like there should be a course of patients to warn them on what its like to be in therapy and the different styles of therapy. Shrinks get all that training - would be nice if it came with some educating prior and some warning labels!


Laura... All of this should be covered in your T's Informed Consent forms which you are supposed to sign and get a copy of. They should also discuss this with you verbally so that new patients, especially, will be aware of what therapy entails. This is an APA Ethical Standard that they are supposed to adhere to. They are also supposed to have you sign HIPAA forms regarding confidentiality of your health information.

Unfortunately, as I found out, many T's are not ethical and do not either address Informed Consent or patient's sign the forms w/o reading them and then the T never discusses it.

Did you sign Informed Consent?

TN
H hopefulMember
We'd probably not stay in therapy if we knew up front...also maybe we are lucky since we haven't dropped out as I read many people don't show up after the first session. For me I would be disassociative anyways so even if it was in there and how I might feel it wouldn't have sunk in. When you do question stuff once you start to feel "trapped" they gloss over it and make it seem so easy. It is harder than a "break up" it seems...super way harder.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
I do agree that a therapist should provide informed consent and information up front BUT there's a few things that make this a little more complicated than it looks on first glance. One is that we have a skewed perception of how many people have intense reactions to their Ts in therapy. We're really a pretty small part of the population even of people who are in therapy. I am NOT stigmatizing how we feel, or saying it's weird or wrong. For people who experience this kind of intensity in their therapeutic relationships there are good reasons for why they do. But it's not all that common. My T once told me that he's got plenty of patients who could give a shit how he feels. So if they warn a patient up front this may happen, some people could feel like there's something wrong with them if it doesn't happen. They also don't want to provide you with an expectation of how you should feel in therapy. It's much more important to just see what comes up.

So I think it can be bad for treatment for a therapist to say too much up front. What they do need is an ability to hear any and all feelings that arise in the relationship, non-defensively and with acceptance (which I know is not true of all Ts and all feelings). But the problem can sometimes lie with the client in our struggle to bring up difficult topics. We get angry at our Ts for not handling a situation better, a situation of which they have no knowledge! As tempting as is, and comforting also, to think of our Ts as all-wise, and all-knowing, they are all actually human and subject to the limitations of that condition.

I wrote a blog post about this: Why won't my therapist just tell me how this works?!?

AG
elianaelianaMember
quote:
Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
But it's not all that common. My T once told me that he's got plenty of patients who could give a shit how he feels.
AG


Actually I found this surprising because it goes against what I've been reading (fair enough, I've only been searching stuff about transference). So not all people develop deep intense feelings for the person they are sharing intimate thoughts with? I wonder how it would be like if I could go to session and not give a rat a** about what he thinks about me. Mmmm...
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Eliana,
I find it kind of mind boggling too. Big Grin But I have a living example. My husband sees the same T (he was actually his T first and we've seen him for couples' counseling) and although my husband has a lot of respect for and likes our T, he's very laid back about when he sees him and really never worries about what our T thinks of him. I can sometimes envy him. Smiler

AG

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