Today I had an appointment with NewT instead. I took my new book with me on Resolving Impasses in Therapeutic Relationships (which I posted about on the forum Questions About Content on MyShrink. I had book marked a few things I wanted to share with him but I first brought up my dissociation. I needed him to know that sometimes when he gets into stuff that feels scary I just sort of stop hearing him... I fade from the room. And I need him to know this or be able to spot it... I realize he just does not know me well enough at this point but I explained how my oldT and I worked really hard on this and a signal we set up for it. Anyway it was good to get it out in the open. And by the end of the session he actually caught me once and brought me back.
We talked about a few things in the book and about how difficult it would be to try to do therapy again and to trust again. He understands and knows it will be difficult. We then dicussed the nature of my relationship with oldT and why it was so hard for me to break away from him and my feelings for him. NewT said I was re-enacting my childhood difficulties with him and I had entered into a repetition compulsion and that we were enmeshed. The fact that I do understand all of this (even though I was too close to my oldT to see that it was really happening to me with him) makes newT smile and tell me that he could just drop me into a second year PhD program and I would be able to keep up with the class LOL. Of course, I think he is just trying to get on my "good side"
We talked a lot about how I was always trying to do therapy while still taking care of my Ts feelings so that he would not abandon me. That my oldT was so inconsistent and he seemed unable to stay consistent. NewT said that those days when Old T was so warm and engaging and funny he was really just enjoying me and enjoying our interactions together and that I made him feel good but that his feelings were not supposed to be the point of my therapy... he needed to take care of his own feelings and keep them separate from mine. Which I DO know makes perfect sense and is how it should be.
NewT seemed somewhat interested that I did not respond to his email to me
and I asked him if I HAD to respond and he chuckled and said no but that as he mentioned it was not about him deciding to keep me as a patient but more that "I" had to decide if he was the right therapist for me. I told him his response was "very therapist-y" and making it about me the client and not about him the T. He laughed and said I'm the only one he would allow to get away with that response. But he said it's true... it's about me not him and I told him I felt he was a very good T and he knew a lot and had very good experience and I think he understands the issues but that I'm so filled with grief and loss I cannot allow anyone close to me right now. And he said he understood that but hopefully that would change.He said a few things that just reminded me of AG's T when he said how he will set up the foundation and the frame for therapy with a new client and then just allow the process to take it's course to trust in the process to do it's work without having to manipulate it because that does not work. But that he's seen this happen so many times and knows what to expect so that he can just allow the process to happen. I told him that I would tell oldT this... that he needs to just trust the process but because he didn't see it before he had a hard time with it. NewT said I was again being the T and not the patient.
He also noted that my OldT has hurt my son indirectly because he traumatized my son's mother (me) and my son has been without an effective parent since August (actually it all started in July) and that is probably why he cannot face treating my son further... he knows what he did to both of us with his behavior.
I do know that newT is a REALLY good T and I'm lucky to have found him and that he made room in his book for me. Personally, I think he has a soft spot for people injured by bad or inadequate therapy. He did say he would like to see me 2x per week and he hoped his schedule would at some point allow that. I told him how hard it is to go a week, especially with all the trauma stuff kicking up so badly.
He told me I did a lot of good work today and to at least try to hold onto that thought at least until I get to the bottom of the stairs
! He did write to my old T and asked him to send a treatment summary and to call him. So now we wait to see what happens....So I guess I am just going to keep seeing him until some point where I have to decide if I can go further than just grief processing with him and if I want to continue my therapy journey (by really starting all over again and rehashing it again with someone new) or leaving therapy completely. I like newT but I don't feel any connection on an emotional level... just on that intellectual level. I miss the attachment to oldT even if it WAS not quite the healthiest thing for me... it made me feel so darn good at times like a high... like floating on a cloud but of course with the high comes the crash... didn't like that part too much! Maybe an even keel would be good for awhile.
Just wanted to share and thank everyone for their continuing support.
TN
