Okay all, a promised update on my session with T on Monday, his first day back after ten days. I went in to see him feeling very numb and shut down. First thing I did was to ask him if everything was okay with him or if there was something going on with him because I felt that lately he has not been consistent or the T I have known. He told me he is fine and all is well and that I'm right... he is changing things up a little by pushing me more but the basics are all the same and not changing... most notably how he feels about me.

He was very good but he held his position while at the same time making me feel cared for and even loved. He did say he is changing things up a bit but that is because he is expecting more out of me and that if he does not push I won't get well. He tells me that if he is annoyed with me it does not mean that our relationship is in jeopardy or that it changes. He told me that I cannot do anything to change how he feels about me. He told me it all comes down to trust and until I can recognize that he is trustworthy we can't move ahead. He does not tell me to simply trust him because he knows it does not work that way but to look at the experience I have had with him and how things have gone with us in the past and then to decide if I can trust him. Having been abandoned by oldT makes trust very difficult (as some of you know too).

He told me some good things about me and he wants me to remember them... at least until I get back to work LOL. He said we are now working on object constancy. I do struggle with this too. After our disastrous conversation before he left for vacation I made him "disappear". I banish him from my mind and this, he tells me, is just hurting me. So I have to keep saying these 5 things that he told me about me as an affirmation of some kind. Not sure how that is going to work.

He reminded me that in our last session he was cognizant enough to not open anything too triggering for me because he was leaving me for ten days. he also told me if he didn't care about me then why would he check in with me midweek to be sure he hadn't missed an email from me. He told me that he does get annoyed when I "undo" our work. He said he will push at me and I will push back and that is okay. He told me that I must be pretty sure of him in some way if I could sit there and tell him off LOL and be angry with him. He said that shows growth in me. He gave me a lot to think about today. It is just SO HARD to believe that he really cares about me because he can be so difficult at times and he also scares me at times. Aside from that I have a basic issue in believing that anyone could care about me.

Well that is some of what happened. I was sort of spacey when I got back to work and had trouble focusing. I feel exhausted this week and there are a lot of feelings that I'm trying to reign in which makes me want to eat. I'm trying to avoid that and I have been doing pretty well. After work I had to drive my son to chorus practice and on the way home I drove by the park where C's memorial was. I can see the spot from the road, which is why I chose it. So I can drive by and don't necessarily have to walk into the park when I'm pressed for time. As I wrote last week the rock and cross were gone. I don't know what I expected today but OMG, I could see the rock with the white cross was still there nearby the tree. Not where I put it but someone obviously placed it back in the general area of the tree. I had no time to stop that night but I went back yesterday and put things in their proper place again. I want to leave flowers at the end of the month for his birthday. It's just so strange how it happened. T left and went away and the rock disappeared and then T came back and the rock reappeared. It's eerie.

Oh and Monday night I sent T an email with a list of the 5 nice things he said about me that I had to remember. He had teased me that he hoped I'd remember them at least until I got back to work LOL. So I emailed and told him I still remembered what he said and he told me that was perfect and I need to hold onto those truths. I'm trying. I see him tomorrow again.

TN