DR I understand exactly the panic you felt along with all those other emotions. It was more than I year after my horrible abandonment by oldT when I attended a psychology seminar in my area and who walks in (late as usual) but oldT. I was already seated but we locked eyes as if pulled together by a huge magnet. I could not pretend I didn't see him and he could not pretend either. And by this time I was trapped in my seat in the middle of a row and there was no escape without drawing a lot of attention to myself. In panic I texted with my T who thankfully was able to calm me down by text (we never text but it was an emergency).

I had so many feelings running through me it was so hard to focus on the seminar. And... he was sitting some rows behind me and he could watch me but I could not see him. It was excruciating for hours on end. At break time of the seminar I walked out and once in the lobby turned and waited to see him come out. I waited awhile and then looked back in the room and he was still in there chatting with his wife!! I didn't know she was there too!!

The worst though was when he eventually had to come out and I caught up with him by the staircase because I needed to say something to him and he held up his hands as if he was warding off the devil and then just ran up the stairs and out of the building. He never returned for the remainder of the seminar and I saw his wife pick up his continuing ed certificate for the seminar (what a cheat!)

I was really shaken for the rest of the day and had to call my T and talk to him to calm down. When I saw him the next day for our regular session I fell apart and cried and cried the entire time. I guess I had not finished the grieving and the shock of seeing oldT brought all those old feelings up again. My T assured me this was normal and it was okay and I just needed to release the feelings in a safe place with him.

I'm sorry you had to experience this too. It is normal to have those feelings but you are not a bad person and it was not your fault and you are not to blame for anything that happened. Your oldT should be embarrassed and humiliated not you. You keep that head up DR. She is not worth you feeling bad about you.

Hugs
TN

Thank you for understanding, Poppet. TN, I can see why you have to work so hard to get over what was done to you. I am disgusted at the profession for what oT did to you. He is such a jerk! At least my oT is able to offer a polite greeting. The first time I ran into her was about six months after she terminated me and she said hello, but I quickly told her not to talk to me! At the time, I felt proud for sticking up for myself but it didn't take long to regret that decision.

When I ran into her the other day, I could tell she hesitated to say hello but we were face to face in the doorway and someone needed to say something. Of course, I was in too much shock to speak and then I started hyperventilating so I was in no shape to break the silence. In the midst of all this high activation, I somehow was able to realize that I didn't want her to think I was angry with her so I made a point to touch her arm as I stepped past her before giving her an explanation as to what was happening. Come to think of it, maybe touching her is what helped to calm me enough to speak to her. IDK, there were so many thoughts at once. I couldn't help but recall the times I had gone for a walk (to keep from ramming my car into a brick wall) after finishing a session with her and here I was doing the same thing after a session with another counselor! I wanted her to know that and understand. I felt so torn between falling into her arms in tears, running out the door, and acting like a mature adult and politely greet her with pleasantries.

I am tempted to write her an email and ask for a meeting. Maybe the meeting should include my current T. I have got to do something to decrease this activation around her. I can't go on like this!

deeplyrooted