Evening RT - Good to "see" you back around.

Good question - What memories am I going to make this year. As my mom is fading from us (Alzheimer's) day by day I am going to work hard to live in the moment with her instead of always looking at how much she has lost. At least that is my plan. We'll see how well it goes over the next few weeks.

Draggers why are your feet cold?

Take Care,

Jillann

Hey Tomato. I was thinking of the Y2K thing yesterday as I was a computer programmer back in the day madly working for years to correct any code that had "1999" hard coded. I was one of the ppl who thought that planes WOULD fall from the sky and disaster would happen as I had seen inside programming code and knew that when things were written 10 and 15 years earlier that they would never have anticipated that the programs would still be functioning at the turn of the century.

I am not sure why it all worked out ok. I think a huge amount of $ and effort went into fixing all the programs.

So far 2014 has been shit. Usually NY day is the single most positive day of the year for me as I feel that it is a clean slate, everything starts again and things will improve. I don't feel that this year. I am grumpy even for me!!!

SD

Morning Peeps

Snow! It started last night and came down steadily. Snow is my job, and I like to keep on top of it because if I don't... well, best not go there. Thankfully it is sub-sub-freezing cold here, so the snow is light and easy.

I make my first pass on the deck at about 10:30pm. It's so light that I am able to sweep the 2-3 inch accumulation. As I work, I'm wondering why we wanted a bigger deck. It's a new deck and newly stained - ergo, very slippery. I think about leaving the snow to provide traction for the three pups who call my place home. But snow on the deck is a sure invitation for peeing on the deck. What's up with that? So I sweep again at midnight. Of course, doing the deck includes the stairs and concrete slab at the bottom and then a swath into the yard itself. Yes, I am sweeping the dead, frozen grass. Because I am a good dog mom. How would you like to go out in the snow to potty with legs that are only 4 inches long? Exactly.

While I'm doing all this, I am marveling at how light the snow is and wishing for a snow blower (but not really, because I don't have storage space and I don't want to maintain one). I do have an electric leaf blower though. I ponder this for some time. Yes, I am sure it will work. But it is loud and I don't think my neighbors would appreciate a midnight experiment. Maybe in the morning.

Six-fifteen comes way too early but I hop out of bed, climb into yesterday's dirty clothes (sans underwear), and head out to do my pee-on-the-deck prevention sweeping. Then hurry out to get the driveway cleared before the Missus leaves for work. I really give serious thought to the leaf blower. I really want to try it. But I am too embarrassed - afraid my neighbors will have one more thing on me. I shovel the double-wide driveway (too much for sweeping) using my $1 garage sale snow shovel with the broken (not when I bought it) handle. Oh my. Do you know what it's like to be "a little OCD" when doing snow removal? Think about it. Gads. Finally I am done, even shoveling and salting the sidewalk for the Amazon delivery man. (How I love online shopping. Today might be the day to order a shovel. I'll just read 1583 reviews to decide which one is best.)

Fini! I tromp inside to warm my hands and pull off my boots. To my dismay, I realize that when I put on the boots, they were caked with mud from a previous outing. Now I have dirty, icy mud puddles tracked through the foyer, up the stairs and into the kitchen. And it's just 7:30.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." -John Burroughs

(and all the snow I need to shovel)

Hope your day is a good one!
Red Tomato

RT, glad morning peeps has returned. I have to shovel my yard for my little squatty body pup. Her legs are way too short for the amount of snow we have.

It's a very cold and snowy winter where I live. Winter is long and isn't going away so I requested snowshoes for Christmas. I wanted to get exercise and make winter more fun. I went out for the first time yesterday and it was awesome. I am now looking forward to more snow! Happy New Year.

I love the snow - and we got lots of it. It makes the cold worth it.
2014 is going to be difficult and I'm really not looking forward to it. I know I will be saying goodbye to one of my dogs - she's old and not doing well. We have a vet appointment tomorrow. I think I'd rather turn back time just a little.

Hey RT... it's good to have you back writing your morning peeps posts. You sound good and busy too. We are also getting snow. School is closed tomorrow. I hate having to take a vacation day on second day of the work year. My days are very precious and I think a lot before taking one. But no choice here.

I don't have any pups to shovel for so I won't go out until later in the day to shovel, if I can. Bad hip which feels worse in this kind of weather.

Thanks for keeping us updated. Stay warm.

TN

Hey RT, Love to read your entries. I was laughing about the dogs peeing in the snow. My dog has learned to balance on two legs while pooping. He doesn't like cold feet! It is hilarious to watch.

Morning Peeps!

Yesterday was T-Day. I used to think of that as Turkey Day (AKA Thanksgiving), but now it has a different meaning. Besides, I'm a vegetarian.

I like this new therapist. I've been seeing her since the end of November, on rebound from a five session run with a T who finally said she couldn't help me. (Full disclosure: I also saw newT for three sessions in June, but hadn't yet been able to disengage from terribleT.)

She's old (a handful of years older than I) and wise (surely wiser than I) and compassionate (oh how I've needed that) and experienced (need that, too) and I can see her twice a week (as $$ allows) AND I can call her (sometimes just being allowed is enuf). Alas, she is going on vacation for three weeks in January.

She's one of those Inner Child Ts. I've never done that work, not specifically at any rate. Although I have always felt it was important to tell my story and for all my Ts to understand What I Came From. (or from which I came, if you're particular) (Came/Come - I won't go into that; it's just too delicious.) Anyway, I've always felt all that early stuff was important - early attachments and traumas, etc.

I'm not one for (solely) CBT. I can't just practice a few things, change my behavior and feel better. It resonates too much with my crazy religious upbringing in which I was directed to believe I was perfect (e.g. no depression or headaches or viruses). If I experienced those "untrue" things, there was certainly something wrong with my thinking. I just needed to change my thought. How does one think that depression or headaches or viruses are untrue? Mind-fuck. CBT feels too much like that.

But back to Inner Child work. We've talked about the basics of my upbringing; nuances seem to fill the work like mortar in a stone wall. T keeps bringing my adult experiences back to the early abandonment, neglect and humiliation that plagued me as a child. I am stunned to find how much this moves me. I have cried at every session. I am not a crier-in-front-of-people. I've noticed the triggers that bring my tears are not hunting-knife-in-the-gut experiences. Instead, they are multiple tiny pin pricks - feelings long buried that I'd forgotten or dismissed or ignored. Feelings I thought were no longer issues for me. And in my recognition of those little connections between child and adult experience, I find myself shuddering with emotion, tears sprouting from my eyes. I still try to keep them in - holding my breath and tensing my abdomen. They come anyway.

T says we will figure out what happened and why. She says I will learn to parent my inner child and to give myself what I didn't receive. She says I will learn to take care of myself and know that I am okay. She says I will discover the wonderful qualities of my little girl and learn to restore and develop these treasures within. We even talk a bit about need and longings, and T tells me that these are normal feelings given my history. Need has been such a dirty word. It is my "N word." It is proof that I am bad. Just writing this paragraph brings tears as I ponder that perhaps there is hope, truly hope, for repairing the damage inside.

I finally feel like I am Working in Therapy.


"Happy is he who still loves something he loved in the nursery: He has not been broken in two by time; he is not two men, but one, and he has saved not only his soul but his life." ~G.K. Chesterton


For you, today, I wish a smile in your heart.
Red Tomato


P.S. I bought a shovel yesterday at a real Mom & Pop hardware store. Perhaps there is hope for me after all.

((RT)) Its nice to meet you. I want to tell you from personal experience the "Leaf Blower" works well for removing light snow, its actually kind fun, but you are so right when you said the neighbors may not like the noise. I found that they don't like the noise day or nite, but still kinda fun. I just saw weather report, and the wind chill starting on Sunday nite is going to be -50 below zero where I live. The only thing that's good for is the Polar Bears! I'm hoping for 2014 to be a very healing year for myself, and I wish the same for all of you.

Morning Peeps -

It's cold here this morning, as it seems to be across most of the country. (Sorry global friends, I don't know the weather outside of US.) The forecast for tonight suggests that I will be shoveling again - six to eight inches if the weather people are correct. Wind chill of 20 below expected on Monday. Brrrr!

Both my parents came from North Dakota. Mom lived on a farm and used to tell stories of tunneling through the snow to the barn to take care of the animals. Unfortunately, it seems this extreme-weather-hardiness is not genetic; I wimp out around 35 degrees.

I think about the effect winter has on me. I certainly don't like the darkness it brings. I am always relieved at the winter solstice (December 21 or 22) because it means the days, minute-by-minute, start becoming longer. A little bit of hope. Something outside of me over which I have no control. Which happens despite political and social conflicts, despite abuse and wars. The sun comes up. The seasons change. Life does go on, and I can always find beauty and inspiration in nature. Even in the darkest dark, it is there. This morning, I am looking at silhouettes of dark trees against the morning light, frosted by the recent snow.

I ran across this poem/prayer yesterday and want to share it. It's something I received in IOP last year. I'm not a God or religious type person. I might even be an atheist on some days. Still, I find inspiration in these words which are attributed to St. Teresa of Avila:

quote:

Today may there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Peace,
Red Tomato

Dear RT, Thank you for starting my day with your beautiful post and poem. It lifted me up.
Rebuilding Me

Hi, RT.

I rarely post (and I'm trying to improve upon that), but I wanted to say -- belatedly -- that I'm so glad you're back, and I love the Morning Peeps. It is a great intro to the days.

It's a balmy 17 here this morning, and my cat is curled up at my side, and the dog is lying at my feet. Where would we be without our furkids?

Stay warm and cozy.

(REDTOM))Thanks for the beautiful words of inspiration. It really is nice to think about these gifts that we all have, and sometimes its just good to be reminded that we have these loving infinite gifts, and we should share them with others, because it could really make a big difference not only in our life, but also in theirs.

((((RT)))) i am also so glad to see you back and posting morning peeps

for monday, the state of MN has cancelled all schools, and even my place of work said if you can, work from home! i fully intend to. i also deliver the newspaper each and every day, and fully intend to tell them tomorrow that i will NOT be in on monday, and they can go right ahead and charge me for it. my health is not worth the risks.

RT, that is a lovely meditation and thank you for sharing it. again, i'm so glad to see you're hanging about and contributing again. you were missed!

Morning Peeps!

Snow again. Pretty much Ditto my 1/2/14 post, except my socks are an itchy wool blend and I'm using my new shovel. Major winter storm, They say, which is fine with me as I plan to stay inside all day. As long as the power (furnace) doesn't go out, I'll be okay. Last night we brought firewood inside and stacked a pile outside the door. And I fully charged my smartphone, my kindle, my tablet, my iPod, my laptop (although its battery is dying), as well as my partner's smartphone, kindle, iPod, and two laptops. Bring it on!

Her two laptops? Yes, I admit that I broke down and bought her a new one yesterday. "It's so slow," she'd say. (not up to the performance of her work computer) "It doesn't work right," she'd say. (user error ) "It won't download my email," she'd say. (Outlook - grrrr. I'm switching her to Yahoo mail. Still, she thinks it is the computer's fault.) I'm the computer *expert* in the family. I've tried explaining that the laptop's really not that bad. Pick your battles, I've learned. It's just easier to buy her a new one. Besides, these days,they are relatively inexpensive.

(For you geeks out there: my first computer was a 286 with a 40 MEGAbyte hard drive which, the salesman told me, was WAY more space than I would ever need. It came with DOS 4.01 - on 5 1/4 floppy disks and not installed. I unboxed it, turned it on... just the boot screen. I went back to the store and asked, "What the...?" The price? $2,000. Year? 1989.)

Oh how I love to buy a new computer. Or help someone else buy one (their $$ ). I like comparing the specs and researching the processors. Then I make my assessment of what the "user" actually needs (while salivating over the high-end laptops that I'll never buy). "This one," I pronounced, choosing for my partner a slightly more inferior machine than I'd buy for myself. Because really, all she does is Facebook (current obsession Candy Crusher), email, internet browsing and streaming videos from Amazon Prime. Obviously she doesn't need the 8-cylinder super machine that will power my little text files.

All of this brings me down to the question I must really consider: Do I/we really need all these electronics? All this stuff? Of course not. I want it. A greedy, self-serving want when, in the scheme of things, I Need so much more. Intangibles. Things that cost not even a farthing. A hug. A smile. Someone to love. The lovely comments I receive from my readers. (Validation, acceptance, appreciation.) These are the things that truly power a life. It's up to each one of us to search for that amazing "high-end" life.

“We are not on this earth to accumulate victories, things, and experiences, but to be whittled and sandpapered until what’s left is who we truly are.” -Arianna Huffington

You're amazing -
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

I don't know about the weather where you are, but it is freaking cold where I live. A lot of snow yesterday. And wind. I swear I shoveled the same foot of snow three times. Seriously.

However. My home is warm, the furnace is in good repair, my neighborhood has power, and I have food on my shelves. I am also grateful to have the Internet which allows me to stay home during this bitter cold weather yet be connected to people. I am grateful for the bounty in my life and on days like today, I need to be especially mindful of that.

When I think about gratitude, Brother David Steindle-Rast's video, "A Good Day," comes to mind, and I make a point of watching/listening to it again. I've thought of downloading the mp3 and using it as my morning alarm. What a wonderful start to the day it would be, spending those five minutes of "snooze" time listening to this gentle meditation. I've probably shared it here before, and many of you may already know of it, but I'll post the link anyway. The slide show is beautiful, but sometimes I just like to close my eyes and listen to Brother David's calming voice.

A Good Day by Brother David Steindle-Rast

One of the gratitude practices I have been doing for the past couple of years is in simple interactions with people I encounter along the way. I say thank-you. I try to make it meaningful, not trite. I look the person in the eye and say, "thank you so much, <person's name>" and then add something specific about the service - "it was a wonderful meal" or "you saved me so much time" or "I really appreciate your help," etc. I always try to get the person's name, whether from the name tag or just asking them. Using their name makes the interaction so much more personal. Most people respond well to that, looking at me and smiling. I hope each time I do this it helps that person have a better day. Think about how you feel when someone expresses their appreciation for something you've done. Or when they don't say anything. Or worse. What we say to others, how we say it, matters. It matters a lot.

"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics." -Bill Vaughan

I hope each of you have A Good Day.
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps -

Yesterday T left a voice message for me. She had called my insurance company and was told my benefits had expired on December 31st. And, of all the past times she has seen me - maybe 10x - they would pay her for two. I was concerned but confident that I DO have coverage and the problem could be worked out.

In times past, news such as this would terrorize me. I'd become distraught, despairing that my insurance company found me a liability (sick), imagining an impossible financial burden and fearing my T would drop me like a brick. I would begin grieving the loss of an attachment figure. All before making a single phone call to try to straighten things out.

Yesterday, I was aware of how a situation such as this would have previously put me on a downward spiral, yet I was able to approach it like a problem to be solved without the accompanying drama. Yes, I was concerned. I wanted to get things sorted out. But I didn't panic - even though I was unable to resolve the issue yesterday. I didn't become consumed with anxiety.

It took a very long time to get to this point... still, I have gotten better, not worse. Today, I will let that be enough.


“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

Go gently,
Red Tomato

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom



Oh RT you don't know how much I needed to hear this today. I am consumed with anxiety about what the hospital will say, what my family will do, what will happen to me. I have to just focus on today. What I can do today.

Thank you so so much.

Jillann

((JILLIAN)) I'm thinking of you and wanting all good positive things for your outcome.
((REDT)) I am happy and envious of your strength against the "anxiety-trap". You have obviously done your homework to get to this point where anxiety doesn't control you. It makes me feel there is hope for myself, Thank You

Morning Peeps!

Do you ever suddenly feel overcome by sadness? The kind that just pops out of the blue and doesn't seem connected to anything else? It's happened to me a couple of times here lately. I am perplexed. The sadness washes over me, and I'll feel my eyes swelling. But I don't cry. The tears are like a sneeze that that just won't come.

I told T, and this is what she said:

"Allow yourself the gift of free-flowing tears."

This simple statement blew me away. Like a poem. Powerful words and so comforting. Not T's comfort - rather permission for me to comfort myself.

allow yourself
the gift
of free-flowing
tears

I don't think I can choose to cry. I can, though, allow myself to let down the defenses that hold my feelings so tightly inside. Allow myself to release my breath, relax my abdomen, unclench my jaw, relax my shoulders, unfreeze my face. Maybe not all at once, but I can practice each of these things. I can allow myself the gift of free-flowing tears.


"It is such a secret place, the land of tears." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery


I wish you sweet tears -
Red Tomato

RT yes. I talked with T about the sudden wash of sadness a few months ago. It is most troubleing when it happens when I'm at work in meetings. My eyes will well with tears but then I automatically stop it. I don't understand where the sadness has decended from and must not cry at that point. It is a lovely thought to allow oneself the gift of free flowing tears. Perhaps one day.

Jillann

Morning Peeps -

Progress, not perfection. I almost lost it with the insurance company yesterday. I was following up on the problem I described in MP 1/7/14.

I called the Behavior Health company that handles my insurance company's MH benefits and I spoke with a woman who said she would submit an inquiry to the Eligibility Department to determine if their system showed I had coverage. (I had already determined through my main ins co that, indeed, I did.) She would call me back.

Two hours later, having not heard from the customer service representative, I called the BH company again. To my surprise, I was met with a series of questions. Was anyone in my household over 50? Did anyone own a car? And on and on. "Congratulations!" I was told. I qualified for a special offer selected especially for me. A gentleman came on the line to tell me that I qualified for a great deal on car insurance. WTF?

I told him in no uncertain terms, that I was not interested in their product and that I wanted to speak with my insurance company. He persisted. Again I stated my request. He persisted. I told him that I needed to speak with my insurance company and would he please connect me with them. "I am just trying to offer you a very good deal..." I. Want. To. Speak. With. My. Insurance. Company. Please. Transfer. Me. He told me he didn't have any way to do that. WTF?

I called again, yes, using the same correct phone number from the back of my insurance card. I thought perhaps if I answered all the questions in the negative, I wouldn't "qualify" and would get through. "For no, press 2." I did, over and over. "Congratulations!" the auto-voice announced, "you qualify...." Click.

Yes, I called a third time but didn't get the qualification questions. Instead, "You have won a trip to Florida!"

On the verge of tears, burning in anger and feeling a helpless despair, I despondently saw another therapy failure heading my way. This time, not because of me, my issues and incompatible therapists, but because the insurance company was making it impossible for me to navigate the system. (Kind of like trying to navigate Windows 8.)

I decided that my main insurance company needed to get involved since the BH company was contracted by them to provide this benefit. A sweet little girl (she sounded like a little girl) helped me out and she was wonderful. She got thru to the BH company and stayed on the line while I was transferred from department to department. Finally, they acknowledged I had coverage. The sweet little girl said she would hang up as the eligibility issue had been resolved..

Still on the phone with BH, I attempted to resolve a billing issue. "Oh, you'll have to talk with another department for that." I swear, if I could have changed myself to electrical impulses, I would have gone straight through the phone line and electrocuted that agent on the other end.

I texted T to let her know that the eligibility issue had been resolved and told her of my experience on the phone. Becoming worked up again as I related the tale, I wrote, "OK, now I'm crying anyway."

Her response to me: "Something good came from this experience! Some tears flowed!"

quote:

“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.” ~Ralph Marston

Hang in there,
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps –

Attachment.

A word so big, it needs its own sentence. Its own paragraph. It is my need. So deep and so old that I have only an iggling of an idea about when the seed was planted. Actually, though, didn't it start when we *were* attached? When life literally depended on the connection to one's mother. Then at birth, that cord is severed and thus begins the journey of our independence.

For some of us, that critical component of healthy development went awry. For me, a defective "secure base" has left me with longing that leaks from every cell in my body, every pore of my being. I remember visiting my grandmother as a pre-adolescent. She reached to hug me, but my arms hung limply by my sides. She lifted my arms, forming them around her body and said, "Here, this is how you hug." By then, I think, I had already given up any expectation that my attachment needs would be met. As a teen, the longing for physical affection exuded from my skin as a burning sensation. My skin physically hurt. Of course, I didn't understand these big words and ideas, but I came to know that instead of validation, I would be humiliated. Instead of affection, touch became repulsive. And more.

Grown-ups now, we identify these things in therapy, working as archaeologists, sifting through the bone yards of our past. Over decades, I have self-sabotaged, self-harmed, self-hated - all for a longing, for affirmation, validation and arms that would wrap me in a safe embrace of unconditional love.

Those attachment feelings, needs, longings - are wiggling their way to the surface as I experience newT listening to me, judgment free, understanding these long unmet needs. My heart roars with a crescendo of feeling - hope, desire, fear.

Today, I will try to let my heart be open. And I will love on my dogs.

quote:

It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them. ~George Eliot

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. ~George Eliot

Hugs,
Red Tomato

RT
Just a great big old, safe . Thank you for posting this. I am on my way out to do something really scary for me and dont have T around til Monday. You describe attachment and some of what it means so well. I needed to hear this today

Morning Peeps -

I am thinking of little else. On the cusp of newT's 3-week vacation, my mind is heavy with thoughts of Attachment. I said the word. The A word.

During session on Thursday, we talked of how I feel about T leaving for so long, so early in our relationship. I hesitate, thinking immediately of attachment, longing, need – and the abhorrence I fear these words induce. Yet, I melt in the gentle acceptance that fills the room. I speak truthfully, telling T that as we connect more and more each session, I am starting to feel attached to her. Immediately I am in tears, re-experiencing past attachments that left me despairing and suicidal. I am so afraid.

I have carefully constructed my own itinerary for the next three weeks. A new exercise plan. IOP aftercare therapy group. DBSA support group. A “Spiritual Ecology” (book) discussion group. And a couple of personal goals. I have spent weeks such as these, weeks of waiting, deep in gloom and abandonment, doing nothing. Walking the slopes inside my own head, wandering without a compass and, inevitably, finding the quicksand.

If I have learned nothing else in 30 years of therapy, in 57 years of living, I have learned that change only happens when I do something differently. I know that as fact, absolute. Certainly, knowing it and practicing it are separate things, but one must precede the other. I will do my best to live through T’s vacation (in Hawaii I might add – now that’s just wrong!) without self-sabotage, without wallowing in the morass that is available to me 24/7.

In these weeks of detachment, I will think of Attachment, and ponder how it can be done differently.

quote:

At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance. -Paul Tournier

Be faithful to that which exists within yourself. -Andre Gide

in Truth,
Red Tomato

RT, you speak so wisely. I am beginning to accept the fact that my life-long looking, wanting and longing, is an attachment problem. I am your age and have had about as much therapy as you and I am just now accepting my apparent fate. I really have no hopes of solving it at this point. I guess maybe one can't. Maybe acceptance will be good enough to have a calm life.

My T is on a long vacation also at this time. I don't see her every week, so it isn't all that different for me but I call her often and that has been an adjustment. I have been trying to keep super busy also. So far, so good.

Again, I really enjoy morning peeps and I am happy you are having success with your new T. Good on you.

Morning Peeps -

I never miss sessions, I told T. I always pay what I owe. In thirty years, I have only cancelled once. Why do you think that is, she asks. It is like blood, I respond. It is so important to me. I say this, fearful of how much truth it holds, of how high the stakes are. Then you must have hope T replies, otherwise you wouldn’t keep trying.

Hope. Is it true? Maybe it’s just longing. Yet, I could be hopeless and still longing. Last night I felt hopeless. All the plans I’ve made for the year, my commitment to health, even writing morning peeps. I was ready to drop it all. I felt the past was happening *again* and I thought, I cannot do this anymore.

I texted T and her reply startled me. Instead of providing assurances she would return, she wrote: Try looking at your “little girl self” picture. Talk to the picture and comfort her. She’s frightened and needs to know YOU’RE not going to leave her too! The past is happening again. It only FEELS that way. It isn’t happening again. The feelings are everything and all that matter now. They are what make me anxious and crazy-out-of-my-mind. They are what overwhelm me and make it impossible to function. And this is when YOU say goodbye. Literally x2. I am too much. Try to have the discussion/argument with yourself out loud. The part that longs for connection and the part that fears it. It’s a lesson in trust. Trust that I’m not those other therapists who left you and you’re not going to be overwhelmed by your feelings. It’s too soon. You can begin to practice. Remember “What About Bob” – Baby steps.

I felt T encouraging me to take care of myself. She wasn’t rejecting me. She wasn’t ignoring me. (Both of which I expected.) She was suggesting I show compassion to that part of me who is so scared. And she gave me a tool to try. Tomorrow, when I am alone, I will have those out-loud conversations. I will talk to the fearful child within me. Hmm… I wonder what I will say.

quote:

I never expected anyone to take care of me, but in my wildest dreams and juvenile yearnings, I wanted the house with the picket fence from June Allyson movies. I knew that was yearning like one yearns to fly. –Maya Angelou

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival. –Audre Lorde

Take good care,
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

I don’t want to make you jealous, but I have one of the greatest views from the window where I sit to write. Of course, you might not think so. It’s not the ocean or the grand canyon or the mountains – all views I absolutely love. No, it’s a tangled mess of woods. Many of the trees are tall and spindly. Vines have crawled some trees, slowing choking the life out of them. There are trees down and a couple of brush piles (from when I tidy up the woods). There’s a creek in the valley where I sometimes find flat rocks to extend a path in my yard. And I can hike two miles beyond my gate, following deer paths to the Mississippi river.

The very best part, though, is the wildlife. It is their playground, their grocery store, their home. It is a place for flirting and singing, working and playing. It is a good place. A couple of days ago, a doe and fawn sauntered by, taking their time, nibbling on whatever it is they eat in the winter. I see varieties of woodpeckers and other birds, once even sighting a pileated woodpecker – a rarity in my woods. This is my Netflix, my streaming, my wide-screen TV.

The squirrels are funny. They play and chase and run spirals up tall trees. They are so self-reliant, capable. Right now I am watching a grey squirrel build a nest. Thirty feet he scrambles, mouth full of leaves, to the top of an old, still standing, dead tree. I time him. Sixty-four seconds from the bottom of the tree, to pick up leaves, climb back up, arrange the leaves in the nest and run back down to the bottom. Sixty-four seconds. I need to hire this little guy.

I notice, too, that almost all the creatures are in pairs. Are they beings, like us, who need companionship, family? They look so natural, landing on the same branch, climbing the same tree, flying together to the next good spot for insects and other delicacies. Why do so many of we humans, believe we must do things on our own? Are we such an “advanced” species that we think we are able to do it all ourselves, because we are sure They won’t do it as perfectly as we can. Have you ever seen the nest of an OCD squirrel? I doubt it. Their nests are messy, made of local, available materials and are cozy little places to raise a family. Perfect? I don’t know, but it sounds good enough for me.

These woods are a slice of my world view. What are you looking at, and what do you see?

quote:

There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them. -Epictetus

There is much to learn, grasshopper.
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

I did it. I talked to her. I talked to the little girl. I talked to Little Me.

I was looking at a photo of Little Me at about five years of age. A real cutie, that kid. At first, I just looked at her, studied her, noticing. Then, I began to speak with her. It was awkward at first, uncomfortable. I spoke softly, as one does with a child when things are scary. I told her what I saw – a blonde little girl with bangs, smiling almost unobtrusively, looking happy and unblemished. As I talked, the tears started, but I continued, telling her things I knew about Little Me, like an Aunt speaking of a favorite niece.

I couldn’t tell Little Me I wouldn’t leave her. Big Me didn’t feel confident enough to make a promise like that. I did say I’d try the best I was able. So, for this conversation, we just got to know one another a bit. Of course, I didn’t tell her of adult troubles, but I think she started believing that maybe this was someone who cared.

quote:

Take comfort inner child…
You are SAFE
You are VALUABLE
You are LOVED
-Randi G Fine

Warm hugs to all you little ones –
Red Tomato

aww glad u could do this

RT.... your T sounds just like mine, word for word. I think you have really found yourself a good one. What you did was a major accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. That is not an easy assignment and one I have been struggling with (or just plain resisting). I hope you keep making progress with it.

TN

Morning Peeps!

I actually had two more conversations after that first one with Little Me. Again, these were out-loud talks. What is it about that? About speaking aloud? I think maybe it is practice. Practice taking those dark fears and deep yearnings out of the shadows of one’s mind. Exposing them, giving light to them, shaking them out like an old rug, then saying, hmm… what have we got here?

What scares you, Little Me? I reply to the T in my mind: I am afraid you will leave me, you will abandon me, you will hurt me like the others. I’m scared I’ll become attached to you and you’ll take everything you know about me and use it to hurt me. You’ll destroy me. Then I’ll feel trapped, glued to you by the attachment with the only possible escape being to kill myself. Is that what happened with your parents, the T in my mind asks. Yes, whispers Little Me, and others too.

Then Scared Me and Rational Me talk about T.

SM: She’ll smirk and judge.
RM: She has listened with nothing but compassion.
SM: She’ll lie.
RM: You did both agree at the outset to be honest.
SM: She won’t be there for me.
RM: She has been there for you: appointments, texts, phone calls.
SM: But she did cancel one appointment.
RM: She told you she had the flu. Do you trust that?
SM: It’s hard to.
RM: Well, she has been supportively responsive to texts and phone calls.
SM: It’s early. She won’t be that way later.
RM: Maybe. But maybe she’s not like the others.

We talked a long time, SM and RM.

I am here for the journey. I want to see new things.

quote:

My biggest fear is doing the same things 10 years from now. That would be a failure. It’s something you have to constantly reassess, and asking yourself what you are going to do next makes it a good, long full journey. –George Clooney

Go safely,
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

I’m finding it difficult to be inspired right now. My belly is too full of the oatmeal and cherries I ate to stave off compulsive eating this morning, and my eyelids are heavy from the sleep they are not enjoying. I sit, absently, staring out my window, sipping diet coke and swallowing morning meds. I want to go back to bed, sleep until my neck starts hurting, then get up and take a long hot bath. My motivation is lagging and I’m feeling anxious.

T anxiety. Hoping she will receive, read and respond to an email. Hoping she will get the message that I won’t be available tomorrow for a scheduled phone call. Wondering if she might call today. Or this weekend. Or not until next week. And, of course, I am counting. Counting the days until my next appointment. But oops, we didn’t schedule one.

quote:

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths. ― Charles H. Spurgeon

Stay strong,
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

I was going to write about boundaries this morning, because yesterday I reread the chapter on it in Deborah Lott’s book, In Session. Definitely a must-read for those of us who struggle with setting limits. Most of us, I think.

Today, though, my thoughts are heavy with the bane of waiting on T. I am so, so not good at it. It is the place where the hill is steep, and my mind tumbles.

Little Me and Rational Me are conferring about it. No, I think they are arguing. Little Me is tired of waiting, anxious, agitated. Rational Me has many plausible, legitimate, not-about-me explanations. LM doesn’t care, isn’t interested in reasonable. Waahh, waahh, waahh. Surreptitiously, another voice joins the conversation. I think she’s called Shouldn’t Me. Little Me, she says, you shouldn’t be acting like such a baby. Grow up. Get over it. Critical Me chimes in: and you are stupid to feel this way!

Little Me tucks her head, scrunches her shoulders and silently descends into places she has created for occasions such as these.

quote:

How much of human life is lost in waiting. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. -Barack Obama

Go patiently, my friends –
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

This may sound like a rant - okay, it is a rant. I am freaking tired of being the local bank. I have let us get into the position of being deep pockets for my BIL and our dog sitter. I’m not talking about annoyingly small amounts like $20 or $50. Let’s start at $500 and go up to $2350.

A recent loan of $900 to the dog sitter for “rent is due tonight” is being paid, though not on the promised schedule. A previous loan for $1200 is being worked off through dog duties, although that was not our original agreement.

The in-laws, however, have been taking advantage of our inability to set boundaries for several years. They recently paid off the $2350 loan out of a Christmas bonus that was purportedly upwards of $10K. Two days ago, BIL left a message on my voice mail asking for $1000 to buy a car. His truck bit the dust, and he’d already been borrowing my car for the past two weeks (at 500 miles a week) and was supposedly talking to his credit union about a loan. Alas, he has no credit due to a bankruptcy filing nine years ago. Oh, and maybe some dings on his record, because he pays his mortgage late.

I was so angry, I was in tears. I felt my food sobriety and mental health crumbling. I cried and raged and fought with all my might to keep from letting this issue harm my goals. Finally, I quieted.

The next day, BIL called again, and I answered his call. Uh, did you get my voice message, he asked. Could I borrow a thousand dollars? Without hesitation, without floundering for an excuse, I said: BIL, frankly, I don’t want to lend you the money. I am not a bank. OMG, I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth. When the dog sitter pays the final $$, I will tell her, also, that we will not continue to loan her money.

I feel so much better.

quote:

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. -Brene Brown

You can do it!
Red Tomato

Way to go RT! That is a great start on setting a firm boundary.

(((RT)))
Amazing example!! so proud of you for saying no and standing up for yourself, inspiring!!

Morning Peeps!

I dreamt last night. I haven’t remembered a dream in a long time, but when I got up with the dogs at 5am, I was aware of one. I wondered if I could pull together the ethereal ribbons to discover what my mind was processing. It was a therapy dream. No surprise since T is out of town for three weeks, and I am grappling with this new relationship as well as her absence.

<start dream> I was at a hospital, but they had run out of rooms. To make accommodation, they hung a sheet at each end of a hall, wrote room numbers on a pieces of paper and taped them to the wall. The thing was, though, that there were no beds, and the hall was crowded, chaotic. Certainly no place for a patient.

Then I was with my therapist, a man, in a sublet office. Suddenly, two women walked in. One was the office owner, the second, her patient. Oh no! I feared there was an error in the office scheduling, but when the owner looked at the color-coded schedule, my therapist did have the time slot. It didn’t matter to the woman; it was her office. My therapist did not protest.<end dream>

So layered, these therapy/therapist dreams. I am often surprised by what I learn from them. In this one, no one spoke, there were no words. Most apparent is that there is no “place” for me, and nobody cares. Who is the male therapist? I don’t and have never had a male T. Is he my father? Maybe, but that doesn’t resonate. What might he represent, if not a person? Then that hospital: noise, chaos, lots of people, and a system that didn’t work – all things I find hard to tolerate. Still, no room for me, even the most inhospitable.

And more: no speaking, no words, yet everything had meaning. What the female therapist looked like, the scheduling mishap, events taking place in a hospital. Plus, the fact that I was in session, yet no words, no meaning, no ideas or thoughts had transpired between me and T. Hmmm... perhaps he was a parental figure.

In the waking world, to what do these ribbons connect?

quote:

Myths are public dreams, dreams are private myths. -Joseph Campbell

Both dreams and myths are important communications from ourselves to ourselves. If we do not understand the language in which they are written, we miss a great deal of what we know and tell ourselves in those hours when we are not busy manipulating the outside world. -Erich Fromm

Every writer dreams of writing .... that will touch people. (Bruce Feiler)
Red Tomato

Morning Peeps!

What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Or say? When you are so full of content and meaning and feeling, but there are no words to form nor actions to take? Our words are so important. They are our emissaries to partners, children, co-workers – and therapists. We tell people who we are by what we say and do. But what if you can’t, don’t, won’t? What, then, is the message?

I keep finding myself there. Instead of eloquence – gibberish, babbling, stuttering, frustration and sometimes despair. I want you, the collective you, to know me. Accept me. Respond to me. Love me. How can I achieve that, if I have no words? If I am mired by inaction?

I keep searching. Because I must.

quote:

On a cosmic scale, our life is insignificant, yet this brief period when we appear in the world is the time in which all meaningful questions arise. -Paul Ricoeur

What do you think?
Red Tomato