Oh Strummergirl, great idea to move the thread so SomeDays doesn't have to put up with us stomping around in her garden trampling important flowers and stuff.

I've never had children of my own but I was at the business end of a friend's first birth as her husband was abroad and couldn't make it back in time. I cannot imagine being in labor and having to accommodate needs/wants/whatever of any family member that brings with them loaded emotional baggage...or, more apt, having this baggage thrust upon you when you are otherwise, um, preoccupied, lol. Seriously.

Love the new thread and Yay for me for bringing up the pain-in-the-butt topic.

Hey - I had caesarians. My mum fully expected to be there in the operating theatre WITH ME. We had to get all our medical team to have the same story - we told her it was against hospital regulations and that no visitors were allowed for 24 hours. For infection or something, can't remember what we made up. With subsequent babies - we gave her the job of babysitting the older child at her house - so we knew where she was.

Just can't believe the intrusiveness of intrusive families.

My current issue is that my mum is hijacking our weekend. It is Father's Day soon and she has organised some alternative activities for my husband (!) so he has a choice of what to do. We are thinking of ways to escape so there is least intrusion and hijacking. Why does my mum think that her son in law gets gifts and time and meals from her on his Father's day - she isn't the daughter - she is the MIL . Weird. Enmeshment.

Need to escape.

But. I always have to remember to be thankful. Because she does drop everything immediately when I need her to mind my children. So I just gave myself a huge dose of guilt.

My husband said to me the other day that I have always been spoilt with gifts from her - like over the top - things, not expensive just lots of things (that i don't need) - and she is the same with my kids. Way too generous.

I told him that it isn't being spoilt or generous - she is buying affection. She has always been like this.

Thanks for the new thread. I feel less guilty this way. I think my reasoning for not punching my mom is I am always caretaking her. So, despite her invasiveness, I always feel like her emotions and reactions are my responsibility. Well, that's how it was framed growing up. So, I'm very careful with her, as if she were a package marked fragile. That is why I feel so much safer with her needing me. It is the only way I've been able to make sense of that relationship, make it work at all.

I second your "yay for me" (you) for bringing up said pain-in-the-butt topic. Thanks, SomeDays!!

And another "yay for you" for putting up those boundaries with your mum so you could have your caesarians in (relative) peace. Good grief. Even enlisting the help of the medical team...that is very impressive.

The thing with Father's Day...I agree, very weird, that your mum would think she needs to arrange "alternative activities" for your husband!!! My mother has also taken an unusual interest in my partners. She once gave my H a "Happy Father's Day" greeting card, one of those generic ones that you could buy for "any father"...but the signature and the little note she put on it had a very odd tone to it...telling him she wanted him to know he was a "wonderful father"...but the way she put it, it sounded almost romantic...I remember when my H read it, he kind of looked up at me with a "WTF??" expression on his face...I said, yeah, just please disregard...and it went in the garbage. She's never done that again.

And yes I can totally relate to the guilt, because my mom also drops everything to mind my children. Although for the last year she's actually been getting more involved with the community, even going back to school this fall...which means she's not quite as available...but overall it's really good for her...and I'm glad...because it means she's getting more of her own life...and that will help deflect the enmeshment tendencies.

The part about "buying affection"...I could really relate to that, too. Like my mom only does things for me because she feels guilty for the mistakes she's made, or may make in the future...but it all still feels fake, none of it feels like she actually sees or values me as a person, at all. Her giving always feels like taking and it drives me nuts.

The better part of me is saying, she just doesn't know how to connect any better than she does. And then I feel guilty, again. But the other part of me really appreciates the place to vent. Seriously, you used the two most perfect words, being angry and grossed out. I was always looking for those exact words. So thank you.

SG