Thank you Yaku - for posting on my other thread, last night:
quote:I've been imagining all evening what it would be like to be held by someone I could trust, held and count on it not to turn into something violating. I want so badly to just be wrapped up in someone else's care. I'm feeling really connected to your sense of mourning right now.
I have thought during the last two days, of asking in my local church for a kind father, an older kind father to take pity on me and hold me as a child, just hold me safe, - but who could do that, and how could I ever be so open to ask?
sweetP was so kind and measured and careful in telling me he did not think holding me was a good idea and in my best interests. So i am not mad at him. I like him for his honesty and integrity and his genuine feeling of trying to do what is right and best for me. I still want holding though. That feeling is more strong. and he doesn't mind me sitting there weeping with it. He is kind and gentle and sympathetic and I know he cares and he explained that of course he FEELS when I am in pain and he does not just observe me detachedly. I trust him. I know I am safe with him. I even prefer to go with his feeling that holding me is not the right thing for me. If HE feels that, there must be good reason for it.
But I still desperately deeply want to be held and feel safe and FEEL someeone is there, when I fall into the pre verbal pain.
I don't expect people to understand. I know you have other issues going on in your own therapy and that other people are talking about issues which are far more interesting than this. i understand this.
But it still hurts to be in this state. I have always been told that this pain of mine is unimportant. It has been ignored, mocked, laughed at, ridiculed, shamed, abused, violated, exploited and exposed and shredded. Now I am admitting it. I admit this. I admit I have this feeling and I am trying not to be ashamed of it. sweetP sits there and allows me to tell him that I deeply want him to hold me and he nods and hears and affirms the pain of the need and the agony of it. that is a break through in itself - that he can hear and than I can tell him and it is okay.
I am very worried that I fly to india in three days time, for nearly three weeks and will not see him. I see him again on Monday late afternoon and fly on Tuesday morning. He has arranged that I can phone him from INdia, twice and will also see me the day after I get back. He is holding me in so many other ways. He is very kind.
It was India where I was inprisoned and r*ped over several months, so it is very hard going back. I am scared but also determined.
I am beginning to get a sense of what it feels like to have a real therapist - one who stays steady and is accepting and actually truly experienced in issues of sexual abuse. He admitted on Thursday that most of his work over the last 25 years has been with women who have been sexually abused. So no wonder he has such understanding of me.
I rang my first T last night, who worked with me 24 years ago, and she said it was not surprizing that I liked working with him so much as I have never ever in my life had a relationship with a male father figure who is actually safe. She was so glad for me.
I know what you will probably say, that I have to go through this grief. I know. He also said that the pain that I fall into, the awful body juddering, teeth chattering, pre verbal writhing terror - he said that we need to bring that into the fold, instead of trying to lock it away etc, try to bring it into the sessions even though he won't physically hold me when I am in it, but we can then work on it together by experiencing it and working on it.
I am so tired.
