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14 replies

Much better T session

sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
I had a much better T session yesterday.

T said last week that she was prepared to extend the sessions from 1 hr to 75 mins for 4 weeks. So, for the first time I didn't feel the need to clock watch. I 'fitted' better into 75 mins.

I was talking about something difficult (though not all that graphic), when I became aware of my T trying to control her breathing. She was upset!!! Has anyone else ever exprienced this? I had a lone tear running down my frozen face - desparely searching myself for any 'emotion' but feeling a bit blank-ish. Then noticed my T was upset. At this point I suddenly caught hold of a thought about the situation I had been trying to describe - when I voiced that I broke and sobbed. My T came to stand near me and put her hand gently on my shoulder (I was still sitting down) and I could tell she was crying (in a controlled way though). She never said a word until I was calm. Then she went to sit back across the room. It really struck me - I feel kind of suprised, but not in a bad way, just like Confused but also ?????

I thought she didn't care - but then why was she upset?

The 'grounding' at the end of the session involved a long conversation about why she thought I should eat potatoes after therapy... (I didn't - I had the Mc-wrap I've been looking forward to all week! lol) and showing me the sandpit in the kids area of the therapy room... um... (one inner kid suddenly feels included though...)

Progress do you think?

SB
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi s-b... so glad your session went better and you felt more relaxed. There are times I truly wish I could have more than 50 minutes with my T. I feel like I just get started and it's time to leave.

s-b I'm sure your T cares very much about you and wants to do her best to help you through this in the most comforting and safe way for you. And yes, I have experienced my T getting emotional over something we have discussed. Not often though so when I see it then it's pretty impressive. He's a pretty tough guy who has heard a lot in his working life.

I am curious as to why she wants you to eat potatoes after session. Glad you enjoyed your McWrap but better still glad to know that your T spent time grounding you at the end of session.

TN
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Thanks TN

Not entirely sure about the potato thing. I think she was trying, in a slightly odd way, to say it's important to eat something healthy after counselling? Maybe because the session was emotional and therefore tiring? She was on about potatoes and soup with potatoes in... it was a little odd - but I felt perhaps a clumsy way of being concerned for me? Maybe it was a counter-transference thing and she was being all mumsy?!?!?! No idea - but it wasn't upsetting Smiler

My sleep is all over the place. I think the interview and getting the job, the counselling and my studies, plus a number of family events and concerns... and a wrestle with health care services (massively triggering for me) are contributing.

I haven't experienced a T being upset for me before? One, a long time ago, said my emails made her cry - but followed that with a request for me not to send them anymore as she wasn't coping. (I wasn't asking anything from her in the emails - only needing to be heard?). Obviously finding out the reality of my experiences and feelings was too much even for an experienced, qualified T???? Very odd. I stopped seeing her and had another (failed) attempt to cope on my own, pull myself together and be throughly British.

Anyhow. Must get on...

SB
catalystcatalystMember
hi s-b,

potatoes are a comfy sort of food lol maybe that is what she meant? that sounds sweet.

i find it unsettling yet validating and comforting when my ts show their feelings. mine don't very often, they are big on being tough and unmoved but attuned. both of my ts have shed tears with me maybe 2-3 times each. my main t had tears with me a couple of weeks ago (she told me after, since at the time I was a ball of tears on my own)… but the other times she's cried have been when she's moved by something 'profound' I've said/learned or what have you.

i have to remember sometimes that even though they've 'heard it all before' it doesn't make them less human or their experience with us less unique. i always cry at weddings for example, even though i've been to lots and heard/seen it all but… i still cry. i admire the strength t's have to hold themselves together… i could never do it.

anyway, i didn't mean to go on so much about myself, just relating Smiler hope you get to play in the sandpit!

congrats on the job! keep us posted on it. Hug two
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Thanks Catalyst

It was good to hear about your experiences Smiler It can be a bit disconcerting to say something quite awful and it to be met with no response... infact, it is then like being with my mother and being totally invalidated.

What I dont know is WHY she was crying. And why she was upset before I was? It almost felt as if she caught emotion I just couldn't feel - and then it hit me when my brain finally realised what the trauma was in the situation I had described?

Potatoes though... ? lol
catalystcatalystMember
I think emotions can be caught especially when great empathy or empathic ability is involved. I believe so anyway because it happens for me a lot.

Your T may have been triggered or have her own stuff going on too making things sensitive... That can happen sometimes, unfortunately.

I'm less sure if it's about actual content over the emotions felt (or not felt) with Ts but all are different.
lucylucyMember
Why can't it be both s-b? It can be that her issues were triggered and that she cares about you and feels sad about what you went through.

Your T touched your shoulder and stood by you until you had calmed - that's an act of caring; that's an expression of compassion. That is not demonstrative of being triggered. And she increased the length of your sessions for a period of time.

My T gives me 75ish minute sessions too - she's very generous with her time.
MallardMallardMember
What I dont know is WHY she was crying. And why she was upset before I was? It almost felt as if she caught emotion I just couldn't feel - and then it hit me when my brain finally realised what the trauma was in the situation I had described?

Therapy is a bit of an odd duck sometimes (pun definitely intended)

I think sometimes Ts can pick up on emotions in the room, sometimes simultaneous to the client and sometimes even before the client recognises them. I know that my T has welled up in response to something I've been describing when I've been so walled off I've not felt it.

I think it's possible to be moved by something someone has said but it not be down to your own stuff - I wonder if that is what was happening, that she was feeling empathy towards you.

I think also that it is possible to inhabit multiple perspectives at once. So, even if your stuff did touch some of your T's own stuff in some way, then that doesn't necessarily mean she couldn't be also feeling moved by what you were saying, just for you.

I'd say all T training to various degrees pushes Ts to be in touch with what their clients' material is eliciting in them so they know how to be present for their client and not make it about their own needs. Could it be worth having a conversation about that moment when you next see her? I know that I have often found conversations after the fact very enlightening and sometimes quite healing too.

I'm glad it was a better session.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
And it's Friday again. I'll be off on my epic journey to reach the T place soon. It takes 1.5 hrs to get there... and another 1.5 hrs to get back... Tired just thinking of it to be honest.

The UK weather has been appalling and I'm eyeing the snow forecast for today and hoping it reaches me after I reach home. 2 weeks ago I had a scary drive back through driving snow over high ground - I don't want to do that again.

Thanks all of you for listening to my confusion and alarm.

SB
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Got back safe - no snow so far.

An all over the place session with lots of held in emotion that I didn't know how to let out (so horribly difficult being uptight and English). I said I wanted to throw things and to be fair the counsellor said 'go on then' but no way can I actually do that! It was RISKY even saying I wanted to for heavens sake!

There was a little mention of potatoes - but I headed it off, so as not to repeat last weeks mind-boggling potato-aided session recovery tips. On the downside MacDonalds was shut (!!) due to power issues (electrical, not relational), so I did the long drive not only without potatoes, but also none of my preferred recovery food of a chicken wrap thing (not sure it is actually called that - not catchy is it?)

Sapphire-Blue
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Giggling muchly Pengs.

I do not understand my T's preoccupation with the humble spud. She actually looked pretty dissapointed that I hadn't gone to get a sack load post-therapy last week ('fessed up to the wrap with chocolate milk shake - which I was greedily hoping to repeat I have to say). Having spent the session saying she wasn't going to judge me, she looked pretty judgemental at my confession of fast-food rather than potato aided recovery - and I pointed out her inconsistency on this point. Much laughter was had and she gracefully let the potato-issue go (at least for today!).

Although the great M did say the issue was electrical, I could see the pics of my wrap from the cold, wet, windy outside. I'd say there was more than electrical power issues going on there you know... just saying. Several disgruntled youths were loitering in a mildly agressive way, separated from their fix - so I did not stay long to give them the pleasure of my unrequited gaze at the advertisments. On a far more serious note I had neglected to use the ladies room at the T place, thinking that McD's ones were nicer. Nicer and ofcourse the other side of a locked door. As now were the T ones. Not good. Passing nod now to my own pelvic floor SP, having had 5 babies, it somehow managed without mishap on my long journey through the non-snow.

SB
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Home from my weekly T session today.

Longer time (75 mins plus 15 mins recovery time) is working so much better. I'm not leaving feeling suddenly thrown out of the room. It wasn't good that.

I'm really tired though. I said a lot of things today I don't normally get anywhere near putting into words. I think I normally avoid 'knowing' that what happened to me (and my sister too) - avoid knowing it was awful. And I'm definitely afraid that if the T finds out what happened, she will not agree to keep seeing me. I feel unacceptable just letting enough of it 'in' to my mind in writing this. It's awful to admit, but I'm glad that I've had my sister to talk to at times. We dont talk about the detail, and often we dont talk about any of it for a long time cos it's too painful... but I know that her memories are so similar to mine. I didn't make it up. But I'm not glad she suffered too.

I have to try to shut it all out so I can be ok in the present. It's been a leaky week - with images, child voices (inner parts), feelings and emotions that have got through. I am expected to manage all that (no contact allowed with T between sessions). Trying to squash it all down - it's no wonder that then getting to a working space within the hour was so hard - and why it's so difficult to recover from. I think though I have only one more week of longer sessions, then it's back to the hour thing. uggh.

No mention of potatoes this week.

SB
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Thanks SP

I shall watch out for future mentioning of museli and rice cakes then. She started to talk about the importance of eating something after the session... a giggle sat just beneath the surface - one mention of potatoes I'd have cracked I tell you!

Hard session though. I feel totally wiped out. I feel stressed at the thought of shorter sessions... I OUGHT to be able to get into the session faster and make use of the time. I feel rubbish that I can't, it takes me a while to lower the drawbridge and disarm the archers... By the time a week has gone by, they are all back in place, fiercely defending me from all harm.

Tired SB

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