They stood together joined somewhere like cut paper dolls. I interpreted that as emotionally dependent on each other, and both were unable to fulfill my demands as a child. I perceived them as both feeling hostile towards me.
I looked closer at mum first. She had no hands to give, and no feet to move towards me to give.
No eyes to 'see' my needs.
No mouth to speak kind words.
No face to express love.
No personality to know her.
No brain to know me.
No female shape to indicate her sexuality/Motherly.
No heart to give love.
No empathy to understand my needs.
They are both paper thin, an emotional void, and pose no threat to me. Their blackness represents nothing good, and the darkness of loss in the abyss. Both are emotionally dead.
I could walk through them both now and not feel their presents.
Their darkness always represented the hopelessness of love, and the unknown without it.
I 'saw' another figure emerge then. It represented me.
I have a brain to feel the pain of loss, with the insight, and knowledge to know why.
A mouth to speak of loss, and pain.
Eyes that see too much, but never enough love.
A face to express emotional pain.
A figure that is female with no worth.
Feet to run away.
Hands to protect and push others away.
A broken heart.
My body is solid, broken in spirit, and bent from futile yearnings.
It continues to evolve.
TBC
Insight.
I'm about to do a cruising of the shop isle's. If I could have a half hour chat with all the other customers I know 1/2 would hate my guts, and the other half I would scare shitless. I might get lucky one day, and connect with someone out there who is not so threatened by what they have hidden.
".....But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...." Les Mis
Note to self:
If you cant get enraged about past stuff in tomorrows session, feel the injustice your feeling in your today. keep it flowing.
.............................................................................................
"it is so hard sometimes. connections can be carried in your heart for a lifetime but we still need others to relate and play with."...GE.
Divert, divert:
I do have memories of good connections, and I miss relating, and playing with others. This has been discussed in all my sessions ever since I left that job.
And how many times have I left that job because of the destructive effects of sociopaths? I have had forty plus years of running/avoiding/ and feeling crushed by them. This time is no different except it has been the longest time I have been able to hide from more rejection. This time it feels worse because I am prolonging its effects by hiding under my rock.
I feel like a wounded animal that needs to lick her wounds, and recover from the shock of rejection. I told T it is like recovering from an unseen mysterious illness. That I need more time to feel its effects, and go with it before I can get hungry enough for human company and chance rejection again.
At this stage in therapy, rejection has triggered core rage, and a flood of unwanted feelings; great for therapy, but not the purse.
Every conscious moment I feel the clock ticking to get back and join in on the games we play. I know I need to do that, not just for money, but to regain my confidence, self worth, utilize my skills, and reconnect to others with my likeness. Money is a matter of survival, and I know when that runs out hunger will motivate me back out there.
Meantime, I feel rejection will trigger more rage, and that will threaten my survival as well.
How do I feel about that mother? Enraged!
I told T she has won this battle.
...................
My eyes may not want to read this:
I AM AN ANGRY PERSON...
...and always have been. Ever since emotional deprivation happened along, and the coinciding repressed rage was put in store I have been angry, and afraid of it.
My anger is triggered when someone rejects me, when I see an injustice, when I can empathize with another's feelings of anger, and injustice. Empathy connects with all my emotions in store. I feel sad when your sad.......!
When there is less emotion in store like anger, sadness, fear etc, I am still triggered by empathy, but the feelings are not as intense as they use to be.
Brain has less in store because intense emotions have been vented. And that can be a big plus in these days of 'seeing' more emotional pain in others.
Less emotion in store allows me to feel less about me, and to 'see' more about others.
I can see the forest AND the trees.
......................
OK, now might be the best time for brain to get this trigger pre session. I'll need a strong cuppa first.
.
http://youtu.be/dmHcDWrMH-8
Yep, that done it! So much fuking SHAME!!!!!
They took my dream, my life away. I have been dead to it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Must collect self to drive.
c
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Session
The first half hour was about my feelings of shame in my today. T interrupted, and stopped me with, 'your turning your anger in on yourself.' Then, 'your fearing my rejection.' Therefore, the SHAME feelings.
Prior to the safe feelings in the chair, I did feel apprehension at the thought of losing control in session, and crying in front of T. 'It's not a good look Sir,' I wailed.
I popped out for the ciggie, said a wee desperate prayer to THE Lordship to help me, and felt the rage coming.
Hypno:
The two black stick figures were standing in the back yard of the family house. I had a hold of dads blow torch then. I told T it was too easy to burn the taffeta parent images. I looked closer at them,and seemed drawn into their darkness. Thats when I felt the abyss I was put into at birth. They were my abyss. I was aware of feeling a little stifled for air, and needed to consciously breath.
It was suffocating with them Sir. I had no choice but to be with them in that darkness. It is in, and around my head. If I burn them, I will burn myself. (Bright idea)~ There is a wick of their malignant effect entwined throughout my brain. The wick end is visible. If I set it alight only the wick will burn, and not my brain. Once that was imagined, i told T the pathways where the wick had been burnt were now raw, and vulnerable. I kept my eyes shut and waited, but nothing else happened. Eyes opened, but I was still under hypno.
While I was expressing my anger about the parents 'malignancy' effect, I told T about the imaginary baby who lay beside my chair. She was a new born, and smiling. As I kept talking, I could 'see' the baby was becoming older. 6mths, sit up age, stand up age, walking age, five yrs, eight years, twelve years, sixteen, and twenty one. I imagined her sitting in the chair closest to T, wanting to read everything in the room. She is very polite Sir, and doesn't even swear! She reminds me of my niece in looks too. All of the ages are happy Sir. Can I have some too?
I imagine the twenty one old me integrating/dissolving into my body. I asked T if it was all bullshit. He shook his head and said, ' go with it.' This is science fiction shyte Sir. (Laughs)
Driving home, I felt emotionally drained, calmer, and safe.
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Good but bad:
http://youtu.be/3zTkEkMYJvU
I'm not sure why, but there is a father loss a creeping up at this time. TBC
