). There's not a whole lot of congruence between them. I think that is maybe why I get so fearful about what I perceive to be problems in my therapy. I don't have a solid, consistent 'image' in my head yet of my T. It's gotten better than it used to be, as I don't have to pull up a picture of my T, sit out in the parking lot at the hospital, listen to voicemail messages over and over, have a check-in call (although I call T if I get stuck on ruminating about something from the last session), etc., just to make it from session to session. However, last week was REALLY hard for me and I felt really disconnected and really depressed, as I knew I had likely another 3 weeks before I see my T again. 
As I started to read about object constancy it started to make more sense to me why I can't hang on to memories of good times I've had with my T, why I struggle to even remember sessions if I don't write them down within a 24-hour period afterward, and why I have to re-read the journal entry about the session in order to remember it (especially the good things). It's like I just focus on the negative, and blow it out of proportion and then the T in my head is this diabolical person who means me harm (which I know rationally that the T in the therapy room does not). I can't seem to reconcile the two Ts, and also find myself feeling like it is safer to not connect at all with her in sessions than to connect and then have to wait two weeks to experience that connection again. The time between appointments is painful, as I don't connect in real life with anyone else in a true, intimate relationship (not with my H, parents, kids, or any friends) and don't feel the same level of care that I feel from my T in any other relationship. I think when T mentioned that she thinks that rather than attaching to her, I detach from her, she has noticed that I fear connection. Attachment feels too scary.
When I was 18 months old my mother gave birth to my sister. I am the oldest. She ended up hemorrhaging and was in the hospital for 2 and a half weeks. I was left with a grandmother (who also was left to care for my newborn sister) that was not close to any of us emotionally, was cold and distant. I did not see either parent during this time. After my mother came home and started caring for two babies, she had an emotional breakdown and started therapy. I don't remember ever being emotionally close to my mother or father, and wonder what life was like for me before my baby sister came along.
Anyway, I am finally considering *SERIOUSLY* asking my T for weekly appointments. I feel like it is ridiculous that after 45 sessions with her in the last 21 months, I still don't have a well-internalized mental image of her that is safe, consistent, and caring. She seems concerned that I still struggle to trust her after all this time, and that I still struggle to talk openly with her about our relationship and the issues I have. I don't know if seeing her more frequently will help, but from what several of you have said, I *NEED* weekly appointments and I'm finally starting to see that there could be some serious value to that. I think that either things will get better, or they will get worse, and I can figure out from there what to do next. I'm slowly starting to gain some insight, but it seems so slow that at times I am just beyond frustrated.
Having this 'time off' has helped me see that I have built up a certain tolerance for how long I can go between sessions before I start to lose it. And two weeks is pretty good, I think, for someone with attachment injury. I can usually only hold on to the feeling of connection with my T for a few days after a session, and that's only if it's a 'good' session. Last week I typed up a text message on my phone and was tempted to send it to her, asking her to call me (she was on vacation the past two weeks) because I was so stuck in a spin, but decided to wait until morning and see if I still felt like I needed to hear from her. By then it had mostly dissipated, so I didn't send the text. I have been okay since then, although I miss my T A LOT. I keep hoping she'll call me and get me in on a cancellation this week, but I'm also telling myself it likely won't happen so that I'm not crushed. This stuff is SO HARD.
Anyway, that's where I'm at.
MTF
Thanks for encouraging me to get weekly sessions. I'm scared that my T won't be okay with that, but yeah, asking her is one thing I need to do to see if this relationship can really go anywhere.
). She may call to get me in on a cancellation this week, as that is what she mentioned when she phoned to cancel my appointment last Friday because she wasn't going to be there. But I'm not holding my breath. That will make 5 weeks; the longest break I've had yet. Thanks for your continued encouragement, and for posting about your sessions. It is helpful to see things going right for you, and how working toward getting your needs met is helping you so much. Now if I can just quit stumbling over my needs and put them out there, perhaps I can actually get somewhere, too.