Somedays, you are really fortunate but I think you deserve it. You have worked very hard on getting yourself to this point. I know you have lots left to do but it sounds like your T is the gem that can take you the rest of the way. Good for you. I am truly happy for you.

quote:

I have since thought - yeah well that stops overseas travel, but nothing will stop her travelling domestically!!!!

TSK TSK Somedays!! you little devil!! I'd have thought the same damn thing! lol

But here's the thing she obviously cares a great deal about you and also your distress. That is such a wonderfully touching and caring thing for her to do. I had the weirdest thought like You could post it all over the net saying
Here's my T (Her name) passport, Ain't she pretty?" ROFL. Okay I am trying to be funny but it may not be working here.

I am so happy somedays that you have such a great T especially after all that you have gone through.

Ha ha turtle... I would never do anything like that as I am the Rules Police for our therapy and I barely breathe without asking permission!!!!

Becca, I know I am am fortunate and I tell my T that all the time as well as being grateful to have found her again. I thank her constantly and tell her I appreciate her.

Yea Draggers = I am very aware of upsetting people - but that is also me in life and I struggle with it in therapy too. i don't ask for things for fear of offending people, I don't write things, I don't say things, I don't do things for the same reason. I stop living because I think I will get into trouble. So me posting this thread - is a challenge for me.

I just thought of some other cool things her and I have done lately, but I will wait a few days until I post them.

My T and I negotiated our relationship together every single step of the way and I think 90% of things came about because of what people had said here on the forum. I would tell her or email her when anyone did anything different - I would do it to see what T said and what her reaction would be, kind of testing the boundaries and every time she has said yes or said "let's do that". For the last couple of weeks after being severely shut down and not capable of speaking to her due to anger and a rupture and just bad life stuff - someone suggested sitting on the floor in therapy. I emailed the suggestion to T and she encouraged us to do it a few times but I was too shut down to want to do it. We have since sat on the floor the last couple of sessions and it has helped things.

So maybe you all reading some of what I experience will enable you to take the ideas back to your own therapy relationships and try different things.

SD

SD

OMG that is the most incredible T you have there, way to go SD's T it makes us beam from ears to ears when we see T's like this

our T has gone out of the box too with different things for us and when its been a yes or lets try it, its often helped stuff along for the work we do together

thanks for sharing this, SD it was so good to read this, you deserve a good T like this one

pingles

quick hi to smiling penguin = thanks, we love penguins

(((SD)))

Just want to chime in here and say that your T sounds awesome. I love how creative she is in terms of helping you feel more secure in the relationship.

I also want to share my experience. I was only recently given T's email address after almost 6 years of being with him. At first, it was hard if he did not respond the way I wanted him to but he was also on vacation and a bit distracted. Now, I love it. I've learned to stay away from sensitive topics via email. I love that I can send him an email at any time. I'm actually even thinking that I might cut back to one session a week, knowing that I can reach out to him at any time.

There is something comforting about knowing that our relationship is not confined to those two sessions a week. It helps make the relationship feel more real to me. It's still hard for me to fathom how such an intimate and ultimately unbalanced relationship can work when it is confined to a small box that only exists in that small box. Those edges were too painful for me to deal with.

Honestly, however, I am not sure how well I would have handled having his email address early on in the relationship before our relationship was so established. It might have not worked as well. In the past, when those feelings of insecurity hit, they were incredibly intense and overwhelming and I had little self-control. Now, I'm able to step back a bit and know that T will respond to me.

I share all this because I do know that others struggle with T's who won't give them the outside contact they want and/or need.

No matter where I am in life, I think I will always grapple with certain aspects of this relationship. Therapy HAS saved me and been a life-changing experience BUT there are certain things about the relationship that I don't think I will ever feel comfortable with. I've always been aware of the fact that they get paid for doing this work but it's starting to bother me that they get paid to "work" with our emotions. It's work for them and can be pure torture for us. In reading others stories here, I'm not sure that enough T's really understand how distressing the imbalance in the relationship can be and/or aren't particularly sensitive to it. The setup of the relationship seems to be a fertile breeding ground for all types of insecurities and needs to flourish. My only hope is that healing will be found through this process, for me and for everyone here.

Somedays,
That is a really awesome therapist; what a creative solution. She must think very highly of you though and truly trust you to hand over her passport. So I realize why you are grateful and think she's so incredible, but want you to take some credit here that you are so committed to your healing that she knows she can trust you with this kind of boundary crossing. (just a note using boundary crossing NOT boundary violation, since it is outside the "normal" scope of therapy, but has obviously been well thought out and done for your good.)

AG

(((AG)))

You make a very valid point. In the right hands and treated with sensitivity, those feelings can be the catalyst for change. I am not worried about your therapist or mine (not anymore ) but I worry about those therapists who get into power struggles with their clients and/or aren't terribly sensitive to the power imbalances of the therapeutic relationship. Had my therapist terminated me when he and I were struggling, honestly, I would have wound up homeless at that time because of where I was mentally. What I needed from him was far greater than what he had believed in giving and another therapist just might have terminated me. It would have taken me years to recover, if ever. Do you remember that one girl who was posting for a while who talked about therapist A and therapist B. Therapist A cut her off and told her never to contact her again. My heart bleeds for people who find themselves in that situation. I know therapists have their rights. I identify with the client who needs too much.

Hi SD...I'm so glad you have such a thoughtful T, too. Just out of curiosity, what or how does sitting on the floor with T help? The reason I ask is because my T said that way back in the beginning she'd do whatever I wanted in a session, including sitting together on the floor. She has come to sit beside me on her sofa a couple of times and it makes me feel like she's too close. But, then she always gives me hug at the end of each session and that feels so safe...don't understand the difference.

The Kid

Hey Kid.... The sitting on the floor is very new so I am only just getting used to it. T and I have tried many things. Her sitting opposite on the "teachers chair", her sitting next to me on the sofa - but like with 2 feet space between us (and I can create a cushion mountain if I want between us), us sitting at the other ends of the sofa, us sitting on the grass at the park, lying on the grass at the park, sitting side by side on an outside bench or low wall, standing next to each other at a grave, we've also walked along a beach and sat on the sand together, been in the same car. We have shared an umbrella, had lots of accidental touch, we hug at the end of a session. So everything, we have tried nearly everything.

IN therapy I was getting stuck, i was shut down over a month and she was getting desperate for ideas to help me. I was locked inside. So she knew that some people here had suggested sitting on the floor and I said that one day I want to try it. I said that about 3 or 4 times over a long period of time and then she started suggesting it. One really bad shut down/dissociated session when she was desperate - she said - do you want to walk, do you want to go out and get a coffee, do you want me to make a coffee, do you want to go to the park, do you want to sit on the floor etc etc. She went thru about 10 things until I yelled at her and told her to shut up!!!

So the next session I said i would like to sit on the floor to try it. I did it at the end of the session. Then last session i just walked in and sat on the floor. She did too, but she didn't have to.

I am still getting used to it, but it changes the atmosphere. It is more comfortable, I can move about more. I tend to freeze when sitting on the sofa and never move. On the floor I am always moving, changing positions. You see things in a difference perspective. Maybe too, her body is a bit closer ? Not sure. Sometimes that will be a problem. I can't build my cushion mountain tho on the floor - i do that subconsciously when i am in a bad way - sometimes T looks at how high I have built it and raises her eyebrow and says "bad day huh?" I think too that we then directly face each other where as side by side on the sofa - it is a bit side on.

I never look at her face much or sometimes ever, but sitting on the floor, i have noticed that i look at her more.

It changes things and for the better I think. I also realise that I need to fiddle with something with my hands. I am always touching something - if I am sitting on the grass, i am always picking the grass or doing something. So when inside I tend to do the same - pick at cotton or whatever, fiddle with the cushion. I never just sit there.

Hope that helps a bit.
SD

Hi SD,
Thank you for sharing this - your T does sound amazing. She is only able to display her creative and supportive work because of your willingness to engage with her. I think you have shown a great deal of strength in being vulnerable enough to share your worries with your T.

Am also a big fan of sitting on the floor in sessions - easier to squirm, hide and move closer to T... I often slide off the sofa to the floor if I start to freeze. I also find it easier to be stroppy on the floor.

Thanks again x

Thanks Iris, not sure that I often have the willingness to engage with her and only show my vulnerability to a tiny degree and I don't think I allow her in enough. It feels like a drop in the ocean and not that helpful. (had a miserable day, so feeling negative)


Somedays

T is away next week for one of the sessions. She is going on a course on how to treat Complex Trauma. It bothers me as I know she is going on the course because of me. It bothers me because she has never used a label before and I looked it up and clearly that is what my condition is. It bothers me because I feel more broken and more of a burden to her. Just bothers me.

I'm sorry this is making you feel like a burden, Somedays, has she told you the course is specifically to do with her work with you?

It sounds like your feelings around this could be a helpful, if painful, conversation to have with her. I think those of us that have not had a good start in life are quick to make the judgement that we are 'too much' for people and it hurts when we think people are doing things because of us. The immediate thing that popped into my head was that it must mean she values you and the work you do together.

On the practical side of it, most Ts have to complete a set number of courses per year if they want to stay registered with a professional body. Aside from that even if it is not a requirement it's just the responsible, ethical thing to do. And there are lots of reasons Ts choose courses - it could be for example that she has found the work you do fulfilling and wants to further her knowledge so she can continue to help you and others to the best of her ability. Working with you might have opened her eyes to an area of working that she had not previously considered. I know that has happened to me.

I hope this isn't coming off as invalidating how you feel. I guess I'm trying to normalise attending training and the many reasons behind it.

A good T recognises their knowledge gaps and fills them. In my mind it is far better she chooses a course that is actually relevant to someone she is working with currently, rather than something that might be useful in future.

I did not post about her passport. I meant to but got caught up in other things - but I just wanted to say that is awesomely creative.

I know my T has gone on a couple of courses for my benefit. If she didn't care so much, she simply wouldn't spend the time or the energy. You're worth the effort, SD.

The Kid

Thanks guys. Yep, she is going on the course for me and she went on one last year too, but that didn't help. She even asked the presenter a question about me as she was stuck about a few things and his answer didn't help...

Yeah the labels make it real, but also give an understanding and a "package" to what my issues are. It is helpful to have a name and label, but it also makes it real.

I asked her about her having to go on this course to keep up her training points, but she says that she already has "heaps" each year(!). So this is just to help her to help me. And last week she said that she gets stuck with me a lot as she has wondered whether she is the right person for me or is helping me enough. Loved her honesty at that time, but it was quite sobering.

She speaks honestly with me like this sometimes as we both discuss our relationship a lot - it reaffirms what we have and is the strength. She says that my ultimate healing will come about because I am in a relationship that is safe and I can express myself and practice things without fear of abandonment or abuse.

Very true Mallard - I have always thought I was a burden and even yesterday told her that I think I am making all this stuff up and I apologise and tell her I am too much and she will abandon me or get sick of me. That usually rolls out quickly all at once..... Quite a recording I have there in my head. What you wrote was definitely not in-validating.

I know she cares Kid. I do know that and she shows it in a ton of ways. Having that passport constantly with me at the moment is one huge gesture of that. I am carrying it around with me with my phone - just to keep it with me.

SD

Just an update. The course that T went on wasn't very good - so that was a bit of a letdown.

I have been struggling badly with therapy and the fact that I have to see her twice a week to survive and that the attachment pain is all so smothering and unrelenting and I feel it every second of the day.

I told T that she can go home and get comfort and feel cared for by family and friends but I don't and I only feel attached to someone when I see her during the week and I have to wait until the next session comes by. I am faking it until I start to feel something that goes with feeling cared for, being comforted and being close to someone. very hard to keep up that fake facade when you aren't feeling much. Like someone being at a super expensive and quality restaurant eating fine cuisine when they don't have a sense of taste or smell. Their enjoyment is very limited.

We had a sort of housekeeping session and made some plans for the next couple of months how we might change things. We both agree that the past 18 months have been hijacked by all the dramas in my life. I also recognised that I have been so hyper-aroused in all sessions and probably all my life - each and every day - that it has severely limited what feelings I have felt and as such I have been unable to imprint and file any positive feelings. While I am in such a triggered state - I am in fight and flight mode and cannot think or feel properly. I said there have been things that she has done that have been so caring and I don't feel anything but I can dimly remember things - but I think they are a dream and I question if they happened at all.

On the other hand, I also told her that I have visions of things and conversations (that haven't happened) or even dreams and I am so triggered that I freak and have a severe reaction - and all they are are thoughts! So I am super triggered all the time - even by just thoughts and daydreams. So it is no wonder that I am unable to be thinking properly, lose time and have an unreal sense of reality.

I actually don't know what real life is like these days. I have to get used to living off adrenaline!

My T was wonderful today.

Somedays

All I can offer you SD us a huge gentle hug, if that's okay.

Thinking of you.

The Kid

I had to search high and low for this past thread and was surprised it has been 2 months since I looked at it. Kind of explains that I have been missing in action in real life too.

In the past two months things have been very difficult as usual. Had lots of downs with T, some ups.

I have had some people die in my family and that sends me to crazy town. The reason I first went to this T 18 years ago was that my best friend died and I wasn't coping and was SU. I still do not manage grief at all well.

Some sad things about dying have come up in session and last week when I glanced briefly at T at the end of the session, her eyes looked weird. I emailed her later and asked her was she teary and she said she was. We have had this discussion many times and I said she needs to tell me when she is upset so I can see it, register it and then realise that what I am going through is genuinely sad and difficult and so that my feelings and experiences are validated. If I actually see T crying - then I can give myself permission to feel sad.

So. Today, the day before the funeral (after 2 very shut down sessions where I left the session very distressed and dissociated) , my T says that we have an opportunity to work on my grief today while it is raw and fresh. I think I said No. i wasnt going to. She asked more about the funeral and I got a bit teary. I am not sure what prompted it but T asked me if I wanted a hug. I mumbled "I think so". She sat next to me and put her arm around me and I put my head down in my hands (ie to hide my face and to crouch over so T couldn't see me) and cried. Not exactly let myself go (as I would never lose total control) but did cry more than I have before. My T was saying reassuring things and was SO close, if I thought about how close she was I think I would freak. Personal space T.......Personal space. I hadn't really noticed if T was crying - I thought she might have tears in her eyes, but for me to look at her I had to lift my head and our faces were way too close, so I didn't look at her. So she said that she was crying too as what we were talking about was way too sad. I then looked at her and saw her crying. Out of instinct - I put my hand on her face and said I am sorry for making you cry (feel like an idiot for doing that now). I couldn't exactly hug her as she had my arm pinned by hers and I only had 1 hand free (talk about awkward) - so all I could do was to touch her face. When I think about it, it must have looked weird.

So we sat there for about 10 minutes sniffling, crying, tears and snot - T kept her arm around me. She said a lot of things - but now it is all a total blur and I cannot work out if it was a dream or not and what actually happened.

She did say that while I had problems with out of sight out of mind - she has no problem with hers - and she thinks of me often. I had just written a scathing email saying that i was leaving therapy, how could she care when I pay her to care, how can her hugs be genuine when I ask for them and then I pay her to heal me and so she thinks that hugs are therapeutic - so she is all a total fake anyway - yada yada.......

So my T addressed some of that too, saying that her tears and crying were real and she never jumps across the couch to hug and cry like she is now. Then she mentioned our mutual friend who had died and that started me off crying again.

She asked me what it felt like for her to hug me and for me to cry (I had previously told her that if she ever hugged me when I was upset that I would really cry - and that I had never let anyone do that in my life) and I said that I felt really scared. Scared because now she was going to hurt me. She said that i was showing my vulnerability and crying and that was ok. She then said "how many times have I ever intentionally hurt you". I said none, but that doesnt matter because I am scared and I think you will still hurt me.

When I was younger if I cried I was hit "that isn't crying, come here and I will give you something to cry about" - so crying was a very shameful and dangerous things. I learnt to hide any tears or feelings - I think that is why i never cry and if I do, i put my head down to hide and to protect my face.

I remember now why I got upset and prompted T to ask me if I needed a hug. She had asked me whether I had been thinking of my aunt so that some of the grief will be allowed to be let out. I said no, i haven't thought about it - other than my aunt is dead so i have been thinking of her death and my death and death in general. Then I said that I am sure at the funeral tomorrow with all the family there, I will look around and think "Someone is missing from here, I wonder who that is" - then will look around and do a mental count of the relatives and realise that Aunty xxxx is not there and think ' oh yeah that is who is missing'. And then think 'why is she missing from this' and then realise because she is the dead person we are there for. I choked my way through this story and then T asked if I needed a hug.

So the short answer was no, I hadn't been processing her death - it is still all disbelief and hasn't hit me yet.

Definitely wasn't the session I was expecting. I wish I could remember even 20% of it.

SD

SD
Just wanted you to know that we were listening and reading. This is an incredibly powerful and moving post to read so thank you for being brave enough to post about it. Loss and grieving is a theme at the moment in my therapy too and I so wish I had some answers for you and for us Pingles. What comes through for me in reading this and please excuse us if we Pingles are way off base, is that you did register that T was there right beside you in all the feelings that you had going on at the time and you allowed her to be. This is good stuff from T too.
This is incredibly hard stuff to do to allow someone else in like that especially if crying has other associations for you.
Sending very gentle hugs to you through the ether and thoughts for you as you work your way through this too.
Pingles x

((SD)) Just want to say thank you for your honesty, it really helps me, seeing experiences through you. You are what "Brave Stuff" is made of. My warmest hugs to you!!!!!!

Brave stuff indeed, SD. I struggle a great deal with showing emotion in-session for similar reasons. Crying was definitely a big no-no and I shivered a bit reading "I'll give you something to cry about" since it is very similar to what I experienced. It was immensely helpful to read your account of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your T.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I lost a special auntie very suddenly in May. It still feels really odd. Like she should still be with us.

I wasn't allowed to cry.

(((RM)))

((RM)). I really get that.

My T was lovely again today. Yesterday just before the funeral she sent me a text and her words and kindness stayed with me. She said she would be thinking of me and hugging me from a distance. I told her it was the sweetest thing she could have said. There was a time during the service where I was getting very upset and I thought of T and wished she was hugging me right then. It made a difference.

Today we debriefed and T sat with me and hugged me again, altho not as tightly and not as intensely... It was still very tough. Very emotional. Very vulnerable. Very shameful.

We exchanged some texts during the evening. I told T that I had never allowed anyone so close to me before and that I am scared of being hurt and will close off if anything happens. She said she knew she was in a privileged position and she promises that she will never intentionally hurt me.

I told her that I felt like one of those Romanian orphanage babies who never had any human touch or kindness and had shut down. Then someone came along and noticed one and held them. The baby was untrusting for a long time, but then when the person kept being consistent and gentle, then baby trusted the touch and the kindness. Their eyes started to live again, you could see hope in them. Then the babies craved that touch and would just cling to the person and not let them go, they just sat there and allowed themselves to be held, not actually believing it if it was happening or not.

(also reminds me of those caged monkeys that cling to the material in the cage).

I felt like one of those babies. T has held me and I have cried and have never done that with a person before (without being hurt or it having strings attached) and now that she has done it twice - I don't know if it will happen again and I want to sit with her more. I am craving human touch like that from someone I trust - I want to know that she will do it again. I feel like that abandoned baby who has had a flicker of human kindness given to them.

But. I am not a cute baby. No one is going to pick me up and hold me in their lap or rub my back, say soothing things and let me sit there for hours feeling safe.

I still did well at the funeral. I did things differently. There was progress in the way that I grieve. My T has taught me this.
SD

quote:

her words and kindness stayed with me. She said she would be thinking of me and hugging me from a distance. I told her it was the sweetest thing she could have said. There was a time during the service where I was getting very upset and I thought of T and wished she was hugging me right then. It made a difference.

SD... this is HUGE. What amazing progress you have made! What a lovely testimonial to your T and all the hard work you have both done togther. I hope you can take this all in and keep holding onto it when things get shaky in your life (as they will because life is like that). Your whole post was wonderful to read.

Your description of the orphanage babies was right on. Those babies have been denied the warmth of human touch. It makes such a world of difference for them to be held and how they blossom when they are touched, even if they don't have the best nutrition or toys. I have been in eastern European orphanages and seen those babies.

Your craving T's touch again after having experienced it fits in with my own experience with T. When he held my hand it was a very powerful moment. Although I wanted him to do it very much it was as if I had to pull my hand away after the first few seconds. But then we tried again and I was able to stay with it fr a longer time. Since then I have craved more of it from him but have not asked. We regularly shake hands and that is just not the same kind of touch I need from him. I know he does not hug so this is it and it means a lot to me and to my healing.

I also wanted to offer my condolences on your loss of your aunt. My having lost C this year gives me some idea of the awful grief you are experiencing. But good for you in using T as your anchor to get through this.

Keep up the great work.
Hugs
TN

Yeah, it is pretty big isn't it. When i let myself think about it, I will let that sit with me. I was sure that T was busting with pride today but didn't want to go on about it.

I think it helped having a session either side of the funeral so I knew I had her there before and after. Made a big difference. She also got me to come earlier and gave me extra time.

The orphanage babies - I feel their pain when I look at them as if it is happening to me. It is a bizarre experience. Sometimes when I write about it - it is in the first person or third person as it feels like it is me. I just *know* their pain and desolation.

Thanks for saying the post is good as I am very conscious of writing about things as I know I have a beautiful relationship with my T (at the moment) and I don't want it to hurt people when theirs is a different experience.

The touch. I know I am lucky with the hugs, but TN - it is very weird. To hug a T - they have to be close in your space and it is majorly awkward. Sometimes I just want to touch her, to make sure she is real. We don't touch other than to hug - so to hug, something has to be big and wrong and upsetting and we have to stand or awkwardly sit next to each other. It is very weird and contrived. I do wish that I could just touch her and hold her hands. That is so much easier. And I never ask for a hug, T is practising being more proactive with me and specifically asks me if I think a hug will help. I rarely say yes outright, I say "maybe" with a shrug of the shoulders. I can't quite say the YES word.

Sometimes I imagine holding her arm or just simply touching her arm when we walk or sit just to makes sure she is real and is there.Just like those Romanian babies. I will work on that. I will ask her if I can just touch her. Usually she is sitting a long way from me - my distance perception changes depending on my levels of distress. Sometimes the room looks 5 times as large, sometimes I swear it is tiny and she is sitting on top of me.

The grief. I cannot begin to open that. I first went to T 17 years ago in deep grief over my friends death. I have never learnt how to grieve properly. It is BPD - all or nothing with me and I have never been able to regulate it. This death was a big test for me and for us. I did better. Today I told her that I am only letting myself feel a percentage of things as it is too much. Now that the funeral is done, I have to face up to it but it feels like I have to step off a huge cliff into black grief. I know it hasn't hit me yet.

THanks for your words
SD

(SD))) Wow, you have been through so much, and I am really very sorry for the loss of your Aunt. Your T sounds absolutely amazing, and your relationship with her sounds like a "Rare Gem". I am so happy that your T is a "solid rock" for you. You are truly a very strong person, and a great example for all.

I am glad it resonated with you Draggers. I get that feeling so often when reading what people write - it fills me with a feeling that I am not alone and that another person shares my feelings and thoughts. Also makes me feel more normal.

SD, What you are experiencing with your T is amazing. Good work you two are doing together.

I wanted to share with you that I have been in a similar place of touch and hugs. Over time, I have been able to progress with T. asking me if I wanted her to hold my hand while processing crappy stuff. That eventually progressed to me asking if she would hold my hand. Then, hugs. Many weeks ago, she asked if she could hold me. I didn't know what that was. She explained it to me and I said I would try. It was the most healing experience. Since then, she has offered again a few times. This week, I asked her to do it again although this time I felt a whole lot more shame... because I asked and because I wasn't in a trauma state. I just wanted it and wanted to be able to take the feeling and memory with me to hang on to throughout the week. I had a hard time during that and couldn't tolerate it and have felt a ton of shame since then.

Keep trying if you can because like me, I hope it helps you.

Today my T pushed me way too far. And I told her via text after the session in very direct words.

There is a topic - my marriage - and my T just seems to harp on about it. I feel I have little real choices and she keeps saying I have and pushing for me to leave H. I can predict what she will say every time it comes up. I thought she was particularly harsh. Last week I had a funeral and i am grieving (and not doing so well) and T chose to go on about the marriage and then tackled the grieving stuff. First we spoke about SU stuff. So within minutes I had shut down and then she kicked the boot in a bit more and then again.

I told her that she had stuffed up and I hated her. IN an email I tried to explain that when she talks about my marriage she is always quite relentless in her ways and it goes to the adult part of me and I feel I am being attacked. Once she has activated that part - I go into full protector mode. Then she next tackled the grieving. The grieving is deep, deep pain and I feel the feelings are at my child level. Now if she has activated my protector (and believe me that part of me is indestructible and has taken nearly 5 decades to perfect) then there is no way in hell that my feelings / child parts are going to be coming out. No way - we are feeling like we are being attacked by a tank and we are gone.

I said she did it all wrong.

I also told her that last week - she was kind, caring and mushy - and in 1 session got me to open up more than I had in a year and then this week she was hard, cold and clinical. I told her she was harrassing me today.

If she really listens to me she will see that I have given her the golden ticket of a hint here. She needs to always aim at the hurt child level and be soft and nurturing. If she comes at me hard and harsh - I will never put the barrier down. I don't actually know how she comes at the child level with me because that part is rarely out - but she needs to try. Last week she sat and hugged me - I don't plan on letting her do that too often (anymore).

Everything has been sad, difficult and very intense for so long. I think she has fried my brain.

My not so amazing T.

My T has taken away all out of hours contact, emailing and texting is under review.

I would like this thread deleted as I don't want to be reminded of what she used to be like.

((SD))

((((SD))))

I'm so very very sorry

((((SD))))) i really am so very sorry for what you're going through

((((SD))))

My T as told me that sometimes when things get rocky, destructive and unproductive, it's best to take a step back a bit. Maybe that's what she is trying to do. I do hope you will contintue to try to communicate with her and she with you - as I am struggling too with my T.

quote:

If she really listens to me she will see that I have given her the golden ticket of a hint here. She needs to always aim at the hurt child level and be soft and nurturing.

I totally get this and think it's something I try to drive home to my T as well. When I am triggered, CBT is NOT going to work. It might afterwards when I am calm and trying to unravel things but not at the time. Maybe she will start to get it.

Have you talked to her about your parts? The part that needs nurturing at certain times?

If you are up for it SD, how come she did this?

I'm really sorry this has happened, just wanted to send some hugs your way