I wish I had never tried to open this box with my T - my box of angry feelings. I know it is the right thing to do, and yet, it is backfiring and eating me alive right now.

I’m really mad now. I went to dance/exercise class this morning and had to leave, abruptly. I was mad. I couldn’t hide it. I wasn’t mad about anything at the class. I couldn’t handle dance while feeling mad about other things - and I couldn't seem to get the angry thoughts and feelings out of my head and body. Instead of distracting from how I felt, the dance classes just served to connect myself with all the anger in my body.

All the hate and anger I used to direct at me, well it’s not directed at me all the time, not 100%. Now some of it is just free floating around inside of me, ready to come out at the drop of a hat. Like in the middle of a dance class when I got very tense all over and couldn’t stop clenching my teeth and hands.
I was doing ok with anger after my appointment with my T this week – until last night. I got triggered by something really small. My housemate/landlord signed an agreement and in the agreement, he agrees to not email me. Since signing that agreement, he has emailed me 5 times in the past 12 hours. (the situation will be solved soon entirely when I move out in two weeks – that fact isn’t helping me feel any more ok though.) At the bottom of every email he has sent, is an electronic version of the agreement that he would stop emailing me. Even the mediator who worked out the agreement is baffled why he keeps emailing me after agreeing to stop emailing me. I am not baffled. It makes sense. I know this. I know what it is like to say no so clearly, and it makes no difference at all. I say no, and no matter how well I say no, stop, people run it over. Not just the jerk of a housemate, but people far more abusive. And I’m mad.

I am so mad. Only a very small part of the anger has anything to do with my housemate. If he didn’t exist, I think I would still be just as mad - He just pulled open the box of anger I am been trying so hard to keep closed.

I never have such thoughts or feelings of wanting to break anything, but today, I feel like I have the capacity to break everything. I won’t let myself go there to even break a pencil, because I don’t think I’d ever stop.

I want to call and yell at my T, for no reason! I did call and left a message, trying to ask for an appointment, a phone call, anything, but every word came out tinged with thick anger. I kept having to say I'm not angry at her, and yet I do need her to know I am really mad and I am scared of me. Imagine how she must feel about me being so mad!

I feel like I am turning into my father.

Sometimes people who are abused do end up being like the abusers. Maybe that is me. I don’t want that! I have been working so hard with all this therapy and I am so terrified tat all I’m doing is changing into my abusive father. I am so tired and sick of everything, myself most of all. I have been in the house, alone, and I feel like just screaming and screaming. If I did, the neighbors would probably call the police… I want to... well, it's a long list of bad coping skills... I want to stop feeling so mad... I don’t know what else to do with the anger. I keep flipping through old DBT skills, thinking something has got to help me ride this out, but I am not having much success.

I wish I had kept it all locked up.