This week was very difficult for me because late monday I discovered that someone I was close to had gone missing from her home over the weekend. She had left behind all her personal items, purse and cell phone and the police were searching for her. I hadn't seen her in person for 15 years but we had stayed in touch through mutual friends and facebook. She lives far away from me but I discovered quickly how much information you can get online about local news from anywhere.

All day Tuesday I tried to call my T but he didn't answer. Eventually I left him a message but I didn't tell him what was happening and I told him it would wait until my session on Wednesday. In the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I sent him an email so he would know what was happening when I went to my session. Instead he called me in the morning when he read the email. We didn't talk long and all I did was cry.

By the time I went to my session they had found her body dumped in a field and arrested a family member and charged him with first degree murder. I spent most of the session talking about how hard it was to imagine how she could have been murdered by someone who loved her. I cried a lot and talked about some of the memories I had of us as children or when she came to my wedding. My T was sad with me.

Near the end of my session I got even more upset because I wanted to talk about myself but I felt like I shouldn't. Eventually I told him I felt wrong that I had called him all day Tuesday because I wanted to tell him about it. I knew he couldn't do anything and I talked to my husband, my sisters, my two good friends and coworkers about the situation and I still wanted to talk to him. I told him I hated being so needy and dependent and I didn't understand it because I hated therapy. He told me again (for the millionth time) that being attached and dependent on him wasn't wrong. He also said that he had a busy day on tuesday but if he'd known what I was dealing with he would have made time to talk to me. I told him I was worried I was never going to stop needing him, like I would spend the rest of my life wanting to talk to him when something happened and he told me know it would change...I'm still not sure he's right.

It's amazing but since I've talked to him I've felt better, more centred and grounded. Even after hearing some of the details of the murder during the bail hearing (shown on the internet) I'm sad but I'm not activated like I was on Tuesday. I'm grateful for my T and the way he can accept and understand me in all kinds of different situations. I hope that I can continue to grow to trust him because he keeps showing me he is there for me and I hope I can grow out of needing him so much.