So, my mom has been having her ex-boyfriend (an incompetent lawyer who helps her out from time to time) use her email address (she is computer illiterate) to CC me on all her financial/legal correspondence. She doesn't warn me, but this last week, I have been getting a ton, so I kind of knew "something" was coming.
Last night my Mom texts me she needs me to print out a lease contract for her property she is renting out (she owns some houses she is losing money on, because she has negative am loans, but she won't sell the homes, because she is "buying them for her children."). Whatever. So, I can think of no good reason to not print a couple dozen pages for her, although she has at least three computers, three printers and three kids who live with her who could help her do it...and text back, sure, but call when she stops in, so that she doesn't wake my napping (crossing my fingers) toddler. So, then she texts back almost midnight about also needing me to print a lease application. Whatever, what is a few more pages? Sure. Fine. But I can't find it, so I tell her to text me about it tomorrow. She calls me the next morning and says it's in HER email, as if I have her name and password memorized, like it is my job to run her email account for her. Whatever, OK, I get her info from her on the phone and log in and print it out.
Then she says, OK, now I need you to go find a credit report website and run the checks for me, I will give you my credit card number. I resist a bit, because I have plans, but start doing it anyway, because, "it will only take a few minutes." She doesn't have all the info required on the apps, so I tell her it will have to be later, but today isn't a good day. On the way back from my plans, she calls me, "OK, I have that info, now can you do it?" So, since I am almost home, I tell her I have to put the toddler to bed and then I will try to help. She already knows today isn't a good day, but she insists I will be saving her "$450 if I can get their deposit this week and not have late fees on the mortgage." WHATEVER! Fine!
So, I get home and put my kid to bed and start working on the credit check again and need more info again and get it all put in for the first person and call for her credit card number and, "Whoops, I just took money out of the bank, there isn't enough in there now. I have to go put money back in and call you back from the number." So, I could be napping (insomnia and nightmares about trauma last night) or journaling for my session with T later, but I am just sitting here waiting for a call back, so I can do this for her. And after the first one, I have to run another, and print it out, and see her. And I am so in touch with what a $#!++4 time I had growing up in her house right now that the last thing I want is to see her. It's enough to have my sister living here, telling me every detail about their fights and putting me back in that trap and being reminded of that chaos. And I'm sure if my sister isn't home by the time my mom stops by to pick up her paperwork, I will get to hear "her side" of the argument. And objecting to being put in the middle got me kicked out, so I will just listen to how she feels, because I don't want to be triggered by her anger at me if I don't want to hear it. And now she just called me again, because the first lease was missing something and her ex has sent me a new one that I have to print out. So, even though my sister dropped off the first one, I will almost definitely have to see my mom to give her the second one and these credit reports. YUCK! I just want to be alone.
And, of course, the whole time all of this is happening, I feel like crap for being so triggered. Because, honestly, she is wording things like, "Could you please..." and "You are helping me so much..." and "You are saving me so much money if I can get this done..." and "Thank you, Sweetie!" But, that is just another form of her manipulation, like having her ex-boyfriend wrapped around her finger. And she is complaining about how he's pissed about some way she treated him. And I hear her talking to my almost 19-year-old sister (freshman at junior college) about the money mom expects her to pay for home, utilities, etc. And both my sisters (19, 20) are working almost full time and trying to go to school and my mom is offering to let a drunk childhood friend (of us older children) live in the garage so she can get a few extra hundred dollars a month and the guy tried to grab my 20-year-old sister's @$$ when he was drunk and she was underage and he is 34...and haven't these kids been through enough.
She is such a user, all about what she can get from other people, but she acts so polite about it...and I don't know why it is bothering me so much right now, but it is making me sick. But I just keep letting her use me like the tool I am. I guess I am just remembering that any time I needed or felt anything, she pushed me away, berated and abused me, kicked me out, threatened me...but when she needs something, she pushes her way through any tiny amount of resistance I can muster. So while spending a few hours helping her do this stuff is, I guess, no big deal in the scheme of things, it is feeling really heavy right now. I feel so stupid for being so triggered over such a ridiculously small thing, but with the other stuff on my plate, I am not really able to keep it together and I am seriously tempted to harm and having the usual horrible thoughts that go along with that, which I have mostly avoided for six days straight up until now...
OK, I think I'm done ranting...
