My Darling Daughter (DD)

muddMember

Sundays were mornings I spent w/ my girls. We'd go to church together & then CCD class afterward where I taught a class this past yr. it was our 3 hrs together w/o "the boys"; H & little brother. Some days it was a real chore getting them there & myself. Usually there would be yelling on my part bec I absolutely can't stand to be late. I'd then resort to using guilt as my parents taught me so well to get them moving. Once we were there they'd say they can't wait til next week.
I'd yell a lot. I'd use sarcasm to make them think, which doesn't work for that age, guilt, threats, everything my parents taught me. Such lovely habits to pass on. I knew I had parenting issues when my 1st was a toddler & my H yelled @ me for my parenting. Obviously his skills r superior, but looking @ the final product...I'm the mental case not him.
I tried to get help. I went to many, many different organizations for classes & T to help improve our discipline style. When DD wento Kindgarten & started to have her own issues she was enrolled is a "friendship" group to teach her the life skills of sharing, making friends etc. she loved going. Isn't that something taught @ home?

My oldest has been seeing a T for over a yr & a half. It originally started due to bathroom issues. After she was cleared by our pediatrician they said its nothing physical. So we started w/ T. She has a great deal of anxiety & yeah anger! She's on her 4th one & we think she's not going to last much longer there either. We can't seem to find anyone that can help her instead of telling us it's something she'll outgrow. From what I've read this issue can last till late HS & cause digestive issues.
Of course I take the blame bec of potty training her & not knowing I was doing damage. Damage that she now has to figure out how to fix. That's just one issue. How many other issues have I effed up in my kids already? How many of us have issues that stem from childhood! A caregiver that wasnt there! Some people tell me " they're young, they'll forget or not remember." Some say I'm projecting. Others say get them help now while they're all young. Still some say " they'll be ok bec they see you getting help for yourself." That one is total BS for me.
All I can say, when I hear them on the phone screaming & yelling @ ea other & other stuff....what have I done to my own children. What terrible, horrible selfish mistakes I've made w/ them. I regret that they have me for a mom. I know I'm not a good mom, not in the least, but I think I really try & then I blow it. There's no way to fix it either unless I'm not there. They seem very different when I talk to them & I wonder how much they really understand. What a crappy hand to be dealt as a kid & having to watch it play out.

Dried up Mudddd

6/23/136:09 AM

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jillannMember

The first thing to realize is that "You ARE their mom". Done deal. They worn born from you. You are not replaceable. No one else in this world will ever be their real "mom". So you not being there is painful to them. Even if when you are there you are making mistakes.

Second, any mistakes that you've made have been shared by your DH. It takes two to make a baby and if your married and parenting together, there are two of you making mistakes. So don't take all of it on yourself.

Third, you are lucky in that they are really young still. (Talk to me when your 15 year old is towering over you asking for the car key!). If you are able to really grow and get better now, if you work on learning new ways to handle parenting and marriage now, they will most likely adapt and come out the better for it in the end. They will see that when things are difficult you get help and make changes to improve things. This is a different lesson than you learned where problems are swept under the rug.

The other thing I've learned but did not expect is that they all come into this world different. I thought if DH and I were consistent and loved them each that they would all be sort of the same. How wrong I've been. My first is extremely introverted, has few friends, but is brilliant. My second is a huge extrovert. Has lots of friends and an active social life. My last is insecure and whines (which drives me nuts), but is so kind and good hearted. She does the best dealing with my moms dementia. I've tried to love them all the same. And parent them all the same. They are all just different people. So your first may just be more sensitive then her brother and sister and you may just have to figure out how to help her differently. It's all part of the parenting adventure.

Mudd the best thing you can do for them right now is to really focus on getting you better. There is nothing more important. When you are better then you can get home and start to tackle what is waiting for you there.

Jillann

6/23/137:06 AM

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