I wanted to share my experience with "attachment and love", and what i have learnt through this experience. I started therapy because of the loss of a very special being in my life, he had been through everything with me, the loss of our home, the move to a new country and the loss of my mother. During all of those daunting experiences, he was a constant in my life, always with me. His death has been utterly devastating and the grief catapulted me into other areas of my life that i could no longer avoid. I bacame very dependant, attached and fell completely in love wth my therapist. Feelings i was not expecting to experience with such ferocity. Feelings i ws uncomfortable with and fought against for along time. The first time i told her that i loved her had been a particularly bad day, very emotional, i had no feelings of embarrassment, shame or worrying about rejection, i simply needed on that particular day, to tell my therapist that i loved her. I texted "I love you". I was seeing her a few days later, by which time the threads of embarrassment and worry about rejection had started to weave their way through me. Whilst driving to her office, i was wondering what would be less painful...poking my eyes with pins or having to face the consequences of my text. My therapist was absolutely fine with what i had said. She was caring, mindful and completely at ease with my feelings. Even though i was able to say those words and she was okay with it, i still struggled with them. My feelings were a mixture of seeing her as a mother figure/friend. I found those feelings so inhibiting in the things i wanted and needed to talk about re my past etc. I did everything to test her, to push her away, anything where i could convice myself that "trust" did not exist and hoping that she would do something so awful to me, that i would be easy to walk away from her, to walk away from the feelings i had for her and by achieving that, hopefull put all the horrible things in my life, back into that safe place where i did not have to deal with them. I pushed all boundaries. I weered from anger at her, frustration, self pity to feeling like a 6 year old child desperate for acceptance, guilt at my (above) behavior, a rainbow spectrum of feelings and emotions towards her. The relationship has been a roller coaster to say the least. Her response to me at all times has been acceptance to telling me that i would always be welcome in her office. The next time i had an emotional bout with her, a few weeks after the text, i told her that i found it so hard to have all these feelings for her and knowing very little about her. It really is difficult to be fond of someone and knowing nothing about them. I hated it. I hated the boundaries and behaved like a very NORMAL client battling through attachment and love. During this session, she asked me how a friendship with her would benefit me? A really good question and one that deserved exploring. Exactly! What would i gain in having a friendship with her? What i NEEDED was therapy not friendship. She had said to me, that in her office, i had safety, security and a really good chance of sorting through all the emotions. it was a place i could trust, non judgmental and feel free to say anything i needed and be completely myself... something i would not completely get from a friendship. A break through, but still not completely at ease with my feelings for her. I still fought. The real break through for me, in another session, in tears telling her how much i loved her, how it hurt, how i hated it, how i wanted to be able to walk away from it. A very open, honest account of how i was feeling and trying to deal with it all. We spoke a great deal about it all in that session, but the most meaningful for me and the one that switched a light on for me was her asking me, "is it not possible for you to just accept the feelings you have, to stop fighting it". I thought about it all the next week, realised i could just ACCEPT the way i felt about her. I realised it was all apart of ME and it was also how my therapy was just evolving around me. I told her once that i just wanted her to fold me up, put me in her pocket and let me stay with her until all this pain disappeared. By ACCEPTING my feelings, all the daunting, confusing and painful feelings of wanting her to just be with me always has been completely diluted. It is no longer that painful, that daunting or confusing. Yes, i'm sure that through this hazy journey of therapy there will still be times i feel that vulnerability again, but i am also sure that i hopefully have passed the worst of it and can carry on through to a place where i will feel my own strength and my own sense of well being, independent and accepting that most of us are vulnerable, in need and SPECAIL in own unique ways. YES, for me is was okay to tell my therapist. To take a leap of faith and to realize that it is so very NORMAL to feel attached, to feel love, because at the end of the journey what really matter is that you are able to get what you need and walk away stronger, independent and okay with ourselves.
Original Post
Have Courage!
I saw him on Monday and its feeling different. Less intense, less obsessional and more equal. Instead of getting from him what I need, I am having him help me understand myself, so I can figure out how to meet my needs. And sometimes he’s the solution but sometimes it’s other people. It’s a weird shift and one I don’t completely understand yet, probably because I’m in the middle of it. 