Well, I can see how she feels like she can't help you if you don't open up to her, but gosh, she didn't need to be so harsh, did she?

I agree. A better response would have been, "Is there anything I can do to make it feel safer, less dangerous, for you to be vulnerable, to open up to me?" She can't force you to be vulnerable, it won't work, but she could ask if there is any way of adjusting the environment in favor of your comfort.

And may I ask, how does one show their vulnerable side??? Just flash it like a deck of cards? When all you've been used to is hiding it??? And you might not even know that you are hiding it? Or how to show it even if you wanted to?

Mayflower, is there a reason you don't trust her? Do you think she doesn't care about you?

For me, as I am just texting T right now, being vulnerable to him means I can be open about how I feel about myself and about T, about what he does and says and how it makes me feel and react, about my attachment to him, about my fear of him leaving me. I can easily tell him what I think/feel of OTHER people. But opening discussing what is going on in between me and T, the connection, how it hurts/scares me...that is where all my vulnerability is. And I have been compulsively revealing myself in this way. I feel sure he hates me, but he keeps not hating me, so I keep going.

Liese, I don't trust people in general. This is a huge issue for me. I frequently hint that I feel I cannot trust her to be genuine, and she always says 'that is not true' (or something to that extend), but she never says 'I do care' or somehow shows that she cares. Today, I asked her if there wasn't some 'therapeutic trick' to make people open up, and she accused me of me wanting her to do the hard work.

I agree that no one can help me if I don't open up, but I HAVE opened up, I HAVE shown a vunerable side, I just can't always do that, and to me it seems to be an endless loop: I open up --> she shows she cares. I can't open up --> it is my fault no one can be there for me. I need someone to be there for me EVEN IF I feel miserable and can't connect. I must be horrible.

Yaku, it would have been nice if she would have asked that, but she always turns it around and says 'what is it that I do that makes you feel unsafe', and I just can't answer that question.

Sometimes I feel I'm half human, half snale. Slimy, nasty, and impossible to get a grip on.

quote:

Basically, this it how it feels:
Me: I need someone to comfort me
T: you should show your vunerable side
Me: I just can't, it is too scary
T: well, then I can't do anything for you

But saying you need someone to comfort you IS being vulnerable imo...I don't get it. I mean, it's not like you need to break down and sob hysterically on the floor before she can reach out to you, right?

Hi DF, thanks for your wise words. I'm sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation with your T, but I suppose I can learn from that that the phase I am in now does not have to be the end of therapy. You know, I just feel like she can spend her time more usefully with people who don't block her out.

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:
people can't go in and get you... you need to learn to FEEL safe in relationship and then peek out from behind your wall and see how it goes... then hide again... then quickly peek back out. I think it would be ineffective for you if your T just went in and pulled you out from behind your wall before you even know it is for SURE safe... how would you ever be able to recognize safety in the future w/o having someone take over your boundaries if that happened, ya know?

I think I can see why this is true, but still I feel I might need 'a convincer'. I mean, we're talking here about someone who knows most of my darkest feelings, half my history etc... I have opened up about stuff...so I don't think I can handle it if we're going to have one more session where I again feel like this horrible person no one wants to take care of. It just breaks my heart.

btw, I did tell her I don't trust her. I know that's *my problem*, but it'd be great if she could meet me in the middle.

May

quote:

Originally posted by springreen:
But saying you need someone to comfort you IS being vulnerable imo...I don't get it. I mean, it's not like you need to break down and sob hysterically on the floor before she can reach out to you, right?

that is what I wonder...
maybe she is reaching out, but I am just too blind to see it? I am so confused and sad.

Hi Deepfried,
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me. It is reassuring to hear that me wanting her to meet me in the middle is not a crazy idea, and that the middle doesn't have to be at 50% either. In my opinion, I have *given* so much by telling her all about my life, that I need her to take a step and say 'I've heard you, I understand you, I'm not mad at you for wanting to run for the hills, I'm still here'. Instead, she turns it around and tells me to take another step, which I JUST CAN'T!

quote:

I'm not sure if that resonates with you.

Not really. Connecting... it would be such a nice thing, but there is too much pressure there for me to 'heal'. Of course that might just be my idea, but I am under the impression that if I were to talk about movies just to connect, she'd make clear that that is not what she is there for.

quote:

Could I ask... what is your definition of your T showing she cares?

Well, I think the main issue for me is that she always phrases things with a negative, such as 'It is not true that I don't care'. 'I don't think you are worthless at all'. (this is after I've just said that she thinks I'm worthless, for example). There is never one moment where she says something along those lines in a positive way herself. So, this leaves me with the impression that she does not care. She parrots when I ask something, which is entirely different.

quote:

you took it as it's hard for people to care about you. What do you think about that maybe?

I know the difference, I think, between care and comfort. However, as I don't trust people in general, I find 'care' a very tricky concept. People fake caring all the time. However, in someone's tone of voice, the way they smile, the way they act, I can feel comfort. In the case of my mother (although I'd never want a hug!!!), a hug would be another example of comforting, but to me it's mainly about the metaphor 'putting a hand on someone's shoulder and telling them it's going to be alright'. Neither the hand on shoulder thing nor the telling them it is going to be alright thing have to be real, it's just the way someone behaves that makes you feel them both.

Maybe this is ultimately an issue about my T's voice in general, or the way she moves or something. Just to make sure this is clear, I would never want or expect a real hug, just a metaphorical one...

Thanks again
May

quote:

Originally posted by permafrost:

Have you talked to T about it? Told her you feel like she's pushing you to open up but it's not helping because you mistrust her? And that you don't know how to open up?

Not in that way. I'm trying to work on a way to tell her that. I have to admit (I'm in denial, ashamed etc) that I sent her an absolute war and peace document just after my session telling her how it is for me in that room.

quote:

Maybe she is reaching out MF, but it's not your fault if you can't see it. I hate, that Ts can't communicate the easiest things.
"I care". "I'm trying to reach out". "I want to help you", "you're safe"
what's so hard about that?

You are probably right PF. I know that she has been there for me consisently, and that she has had to deal with a lot of sh*t from me and yet she's still there... but, if she could just repeat those words you wrote in a very unforced manner, that would be so nice :-)

thanks for showing understanding, and making me feel less like it's my fault.