Warning: Long, detailed post ahead!

Well, I finally had my very first crappy session where I left feeling worse than I felt when I arrived. I don't think that has EVER happened in the year I've been in therapy. I know it's not unusual, but it was a new experience for me. My T always makes sure I am okay before I leave, and she really tried to help me today, but I got triggered during my session and couldn't find my way to a better place, even though my T was trying so hard.

I managed to open up to her today about her comment 3 weeks ago at my last session when I told her I'd seen photos of the inside of her house and she told me that if I drove by her house and came to the front door and knocked she'd invite me in. I told her that I was struggling with boundaries and that that comment had bothered me and asked her why she would say something like that to a patient. She was perplexed that I had been ruminating on that for 3 weeks. She asked me what I would want her to do, be rude? I told her I would expect her to ask me why I was at her house, because I feel like it's not okay for me to be there. I told her I wouldn't come to her house, that that is a professional line I would not cross with her. She said she knows that I wouldn't and that is why she was okay to say what she did. She said she told me that because she wants to help lessen the fear that I have that I am going to do something that is going to freak her out. She knows I am scared of scaring her with my 'freakishness'. She continues to tell me that she is not scared of me or my attachment to her, that the bar is really high because of what she sees in the drug treatment program she works in, and that she doesn't see me as a stalker or anyone she feels the need to fear. She told me I'm a lot more normal than I think I am. She wants me to be in charge of the boundaries because she's not going to cross any, but she she wants ME to feel responsible for my own boundaries. She said that I have made these 'rules' for myself that she doesn't know about and that she hasn't made but that I have made, and when I break them I feel so awful and shame myself and then feel the need to disclose my awful behavior and the fact that I've broken these self-created rules. What she was talking about mainly was my internet searching on her. She said she hadn't made the rule that I couldn't search for info about her, that it was ME that created that rule. And that I had told myself that I couldn't break the rule or I was doomed. Then I broke the rule and put myself through hell over it and tormented myself and did the whole spinning/obsessing thing I do about it because I saw myself as 'bad' for having broken my own rules. She said she had no rule about searching the internet about her and that while she applauded me for my honesty (and found it interesting to learn that a patient (and possibly more than just me) would actually take so much interest in finding out so much about her), she didn't think that I had done some terrible thing and broken some law or committed some moral transgression--it was the OCD stuff getting the better of me. She also asked me at one point (at the end of the session) if I wanted her to punish me for all of this. I told her maybe I did, as I think I have expected that all along. At least some sort of negative reaction, not just her being okay with it all. It's been really different to have her acceptance and to hear her tell me that I'm not a freak because I do these things and am seeking connection with her. She understands it and it doesn't scare her. I find that kind of hard to accept sometimes.

Then came the tough stuff. She asked me about the boundary issues with my Physical Therapist neighbor from last year. She wanted to really find out about the boundaries I felt I had crossed with him. So I had to dig all of that crap up and it was painful. She didn't really see what I had done as a total boundary crossing, maybe a bit in the end, but I have deleted all the emails I sent to him that are the 'proof' of what happened between us. I found myself reading them over and over again, reliving the nightmare of the dissolution of that relationship, so I finally just decided it would be better to just get rid of them all. Bad idea. It would be REALLY helpful now to have them all to look over with my T so she could see the reality of what happened, as my memory of it all has faded enough that it's hard to remember clearly. She asked me how much of the emailing him was impulsive/compulsive. A LOT of it was. Just like a lot of my obsessiveness and the internet searching/sitting outside my T's office window/listening to her voicemessages on my cell phone/looking at photos of her on my hard drive are. When I get feeling insecure about my relationship with her and the fear of abandonment sets in or I just feel needy and know I can't see her for X amount of time, I resort to these obsessive/compulsive behaviors. Unfortunately the only behavior my T knows about is the internet searching. I haven't had the courage to tell her about the rest of it. But now she wants me to do something new to help her/us to look at the OCD stuff so we can see how my mind is working, since she can't exactly read my thoughts . She has asked me to journal my thoughts each day, especially the ones that concern my relationship with her and the obsessive/spinning stuff that I experience. Rather than act on any thoughts, I'm just supposed to journal whenever I get any impulses or compulsions to do anything, like the behaviors I mentioned above. That is going to be HARD!!! Especially because I don't see her again for another 3 weeks and I left her office feeling disconnected and upset. The past two sessions I've had to go 3 weeks in between instead of the usual 2 and it's been harder than I thought. I've been relying on her voicemail messages that are saved on my cell phone for comfort, as well as just looking at photos of her on my computer. Dumb that I have those on there. I wonder what she would think if she knew. Sometimes this attachment stuff feels so humiliating. Journaling about my thoughts and feelings about my T, knowing I have to take it all in with me next time and share it with her, is going to be a real challenge for me. I have a super hard time just TALKING to her about my issues. I guess writing is less scary for me, but this sort of thing is scary in and of itself. I guess that's why therapy isn't for the faint of heart, huh? Gulp...

Well, one issue down, several more to go. She asked me after her beeper/timer thingy went off that signals time's up/next patient is in the waiting room, what else was bothering me. Rather she asked me what else I was spinning about/what she had done, hadn't done, etc. Bad timing. I told her it didn't matter. She said, "Yes it does". I said time was up and I needed to go, that it could wait until next time. She asked me if I would journal about it and share that with her and I told her I would work on it. I really DID want to talk about it, but how do you tell your T with no time left that her asking you how she can help you feel like she's more a part of your circle of friends triggers you and freaks you out? My mother about died today when I told her my T had said that to me (my mother has also been a patient of my T's in the past, but not for as long as I have been). I know (I guess I should say I feel pretty sure, as I don't truly 'know') my T won't cross boundaries with me and won't do things I don't ask her to do/that we don't agree on together. But my mom told me I need to tell my T that she is NOT MY FRIEND, she's my THERAPIST. Agreed. Thanks, Mom. That conversation is going to be weird, and super hard for me to open up. The next 3 weeks are going to be L-O-N-G. Sigh.

Anyway, between having to talk about old stuff that had to do with my ex-phys. therapist and then not being able to work through a really important issue with my T today, I ended up leaving feeling really triggered and vulnerable. My T tried to help me back to a better place, but I just could NOT get there. I haven't had to really open old wounds and expose my attachment issues that have to do with my ex-PT like that before. I've tried to bury that stuff and it was harder to expose that stuff to my T to whom I have an even stronger attachment. It made me feel really --exposed-- and I've been trying SO HARD to keep my true self hidden from my T for the past year. I haven't wanted her to really 'see' me because I fear she'll think I'm disgusting, creepy, freaky, sick, wrong, screwed up, etc. I keep wondering when she's 'really' going to see it all. She keeps telling me she's not.

My T suggested doing some EMDR on the old ex-PT stuff next time so that I can be rid of the painful feelings about all of that and see it without those feelings attached. Don't know if that will help or not. I don't think that I like EMDR. It's weird. I'll have to think/spin on that for the next 3 weeks. At least I don't think I have to journal about THAT!!

MTF