Hi Jillann... yes I have had the very same feeling you describe. In fact, I've been trapped in my own head for the past few weeks to the point that I cannot even write, never mind actually talk.

I have often sat in front of my T having long conversations in my head which sound perfectly reasonable to say out loud to him but I am paralyzed and cannot move or speak. My head is screaming with things I should say to him but I cannot. I have found that it helps to just say anything to him at that point. Today my head was screaming "I cannot talk to you when I am so anxious about your wife on the other side of this wall" but I could not say that. Even though it's probably worth discussing and exploring. So instead I just said something about my weekend. How miserable it was. And, nothing bad happened. Not sure what I needed to happen did either but at least it opened some conversation and a tenuous connection was reestablished. I was feeling so disconnected and angry that I could not speak when I got there.

I think for me the anger is the force preventing my speaking and sharing with T. Or at least it's a big part because the anger feels so intense it will destroy everything. Other times it's my self hatred that gets in the way. Because I am so disgusted with myself I cannot bear to share any part of me with T or he will recoil in horror too. He will find out or see some truth that he has not realized before. Of course T tells me that I cannot hide anything from him and he already knows all of me that he needs to and nothing will change his good opinion of me. Yet... I still cannot talk to him.

Not sure this was helpful but you are not alone with this issue. I just find that sometimes saying anything... even something inconsequential helps to open the gates.

BTW... I think you were very brave to bring your dh to therapy. I could never do that. The last time I tried it was with oldT and it was part of what led to my being terminated.

Hugs to you
TN

(((Jillian)))

I am sorry for your struggle. I can also relate. In fact, what TN wrote

quote:

Other times it's my self hatred that gets in the way. Because I am so disgusted with myself I cannot bear to share any part of me with T or he will recoil in horror too. He will find out or see some truth that he has not realized before.

is exactly how I feel most of the time. I was actually able to tell this to my T at our last session. I explained to her how on the day of an appointment, I have so many things I want to bring up and talk about. So many things that I need to say, but when I get there, I just cant. She suggested that I write her a note about everything while I am at home and then bring it in. Just hand it to her, first thing so there is no backing out. I was happy to hear her offer that and it seems like a great idea. But....then there's the anxiety of her reading it which could result in the same scenario TN has described above.
Oh bother....its a problem isn't it? Well, sorry if I have made this about me. I am thinking about you and sending

((Jillann)) I can so relate to what you wrote. I know of the silence that you speak of. I spent most of my childhood trying to be invisible. I didn't want my needs to interfere with the overwhelming, urgent needs of my brother. I remained silent and never voiced any of the painful emotions and anxiety I felt. I think we come from different circumstances and have different childhood experiences, but I think what you said about silence being your protection is so insightful. I too can relate, even if it is for different reasons. I'm so sorry what you had to experience. From what you've written in the past, it sounds way harder than I can imagine

Regardless of our experiences though, I know how hard it is to speak in session. I hate being seen. I have physical reactions to it and have such a strong urge to leave, to get out as quickly as I can! My T is very consistent. I think I need that steadiness and consistency. I think what your T says is (hopefully!) true. I think the more we speak, the more we allow our voice to be heard, the easier it becomes. I think it takes practice though. We have been so used to remaining silent and burying our voice. I think you are so brave and doing such good work. You are so brave to have your husband come to a session. Maybe you can gradually and slowly work those sessions in every once in awhile and continue finding your voice.

I also think the more you reveal yourself to your husband and your children and the more positive responses you get, the easier it will be. I think you said in another thread that you can't share what you're struggling with with your husband or your children. I hope for your sake and theirs that you are able to find your voice and express what you're going through at some time in the future. Maybe you feel shame or self-conscious about your ED/struggles. From an outsider perspective, there is NO shame in what you're going through. Maybe you can even get some deserved support from your family if you open up eventually. Honestly, I only see bravery. Anyone in this kind of intense therapy is BRAVE! This stuff is NOT easy. I hope you can be kind to yourself, Jillann.

Jillann-I feel trapped in silence also!
It's soooo difficult to speak sometimes! Some people seem to get frustrated by this. I know I have to work on it though because it is getting the way of my work with clients, school, in therapy and with family. My professor wanted to know why I wasn't speaking at a specific place in a session with a client (I was listening and had no idea what to say). My former T said it was difficult at times for her to get me to talk....it was if she had to pull things out of me. My new T has said that I live too much in my head and need to work on "shooting from the hip".

Just want to let you know that you are not alone, Jillann and others! I have this too. I go to T with notes all typed up, but don't hand them over to T. I sometimes edit or skip over parts that I wrote when I don't feel like I have enough time to work on deeper issues.

I need to figure out how to speak out and in an assertive tone and volume! This is crucial to my personal and professional growth!

I wish you all the best, Jillann, in finding your voice!

hi jillann! and everyone else who struggles with this!
this is such a big problem for me, its almost not a problem... i dont know how to describe it, its just a such big part of where i am at (and have been stuck at for all my life... almost said who i am, but i dont think its who i am as i can be incredibly chatty when i'm most comfortable with someone)

i think i've become more accepting of this silence and sometimes letting IT 'speak' for me, as there are huge reasons behind it and its not something that will go away just by willing it. what has also helped is just talking about the silence itself or the reasons why i cant speak, and not jumping too much ahead to what i should / wish to say. sometimes being able to say 'i can't say it' can soften its hold and this being accepted by T can lead to the next step.

i dont have any easy answers, just try to understand it better and don't force it, and hopefully with Ts help keep chipping at it slowly.

puppet

Hi Jillian

I was never allowed to speak my mind when I was a child, anything that was even remotely outspoken was punished, so I learnt silence as a friend if I wanted a quiet life.

It has taken me many years in T to get to the point of speaking out or speaking my mind. I would sit in silence for most of the session, thinking what I needed to say but terrified that if I did T would retaliate, leave or punish me in some way. It has taken many years of gentle reassurance and stability and consistency on her part to realise that none of these are a possibility. She is positively thrilled if I speak out, correct her or say what's on my mind ....yes sometimes I wait for retaliation but instead I have learnt there can be a simple response of gentle acceptance - that doesn't mean to say she doesn't still challenge me, she does, but she has taught me that difference of opinion on my part doesn't always end in punishment.

As a result I have learnt to be more assertive in my life - I think I am viewed as a confident person by my colleagues, but really I am paddling hard beneath the water sometimes! trying to be more assertive in T has given me more confidence IROL, but it hasn't been easy and I agree it is sometimes hard for those of us who are naturally introverted.

I am glad DH is supportive and gives you that reassurance you need. I think the answer is baby steps - don't try to speak out too much too soon, perhaps think of one really small thing you want to say in session and start there with getting that done - and congratulate yourself when you have Remember your silence is there for a reason - it was your friend to protect you when you needed it - it's just that we have to learn now that in safe situations it is ok to find our voice.



starfishy

I so wanted to get back to this post but have been so horribly triggered through the holiday season that I just couldn't handle it. Sorry for the delay. I want say thank you to each of you. it is so nice to know that I am not alone in this.

((TN)) - You are so brave in acknowledging that you even feel anger. I tend to block it all. T and I chuckle about it at times but it is a big gaping hole in my soul that I cannot admit to or acknowledge feelings of anger. The self loathing and disgust I'm all over! That is a big part of why I have to see a female therapist because I am convinced that all men are disgusted by me. Thanks so much for sharing with me in my fort.

((SP)) - "afraid to be seen" I've said that exact phrase to T before. To sit there for an hour with her looking at me feels like I am punishing her. I sometimes want things to be different so badly I charge right in. I so want to increase the intimacy in my marriage so I faced my huge fears and brought DH in. And it was a good thing. But it brought to the forefront of my mind how hugely scary it is to be vulnerable!

((Kmay)) I actually did the note thing at one point this past summer. It worked great. I had a day when my mind was obsessing and I just wanted to get the information out to try to stop looping. I took the list into T at our next appointment. We used that list for several weeks. I really should try that again.

((Erica)) thank you so much for your thoughts. Yes learning in early childhood that your thoughts or feelings are not wanted sort of makes it difficult to be in relationships as an adult. I can see how that would have been the case with a very ill sibling. I am going to continue to try to open up more. I will be having another session with DH soon to talk with him about how bad the ED has become.

((Athenacus)) I remember you posting about that comment from your T before. When you learn how to get out of your head please let me know the secret! I think you will have lots of practice in your training and will begin to be more comfortable with shooting from the hip soon.

((Puppet)) this really resonated with me "sometimes being able to say 'i can't say it' can soften its hold and this being accepted by T can lead to the next step" My T wouldn't let me out of it but she was gentle with her insistence that I can speak these things. I know logically that nothing will get better if I don't speak them but the fear is so strong.

((Starfish) yes I learned the lesson of silence in childhood well. It is funny because my younger sister is the complete opposite. She and my father would have it out regularly. The constant arguing and yelling was nightmarish. She has no friends now. She just says what ever is in her head and alienates people around her. So I guess there are worse things then silence. It is so helpful to know that you have made progress and improved and been able to take that to your real life.