Hi all. I am so sorry that I started this thread. It seems that I have triggered alot of people and that wasn't my intent. I'm very sorry for that.
I want to say thank you to all of you for your support. It really has meant alot to me. All of you showing so much care, love and concern for me, someone you don't really know, is an amazing thing.
Just so you all know, I did call my T and asked for another appointment next week. I will tell her more of how I am feeling.
I would like to share with you all something that happened to me yesterday. I had a very good friend, best friend, like a sister to me who kind of "left" me years ago. I'm talking like 15 years ago, I told her I was gay. I thought she would be ok with it and she wasn't. Her family was really my family, and still is. I still talk to her mom and dad, brothers and sister. I have not really spoken with her in all this time. Anyway, she called me yesterday and basically acknowledged how she had mistreated me, was very sorry, and asked if I could forgive her. I can't tell you how much that call meant to me. I started to cry and we talked for a very long time. She will never know how much that phone call meant to me. It was a Christmas gift I'm sure.
I am very confused and very emotional at the moment. My life really does suck at the moment. My job is up in the air, my family is crazy, my relationship with my partner is a tough one, my car broke down - cost me 500 plus a tow two days ago and then broke down this morning again. I work two jobs and still don't have a dime in my pocket, the anniversary of a dear friends death is on Monday, not to mention all of my past abuse and crap.
So there you have most of it. Wonder why I'm confused? Numb? and wanting to check out of here?
I know, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but how long does this "temporary" problem supposed to last?
Shrinklady - thank you for coming into this conversation. I appreciate your knowledge and insight. I am listening - really - to everyone.
I am trying to fight all of the feelings I have. I am trying to keep everything under control. Today was the day from hell on all fronts and it is really hard to hang in there. I promise to keep trying to talk and let some more of this out. It is very difficult for me to do this. I try with my T and she knows it is hard for me. She is very supportive and lays it out straight. I on the other hand may not be so honest because I am afraid of being sent to a hospital. I will not go there. I won't be locked up. I'm not crazy - I know that.
Ok - so all of that rambling and I really want to say thanks to you all. I am so humbled that you all care enough about me to even take the time to talk to me. I'm so sorry for upsetting anyone - I don't know what to do at this point. Half of me wants to stop writing and run and the other half says stay. If this is too upsetting for people I will be fine if we don't talk about this anymore.
Smiley
(((Smiley)))
Thank you for posting - you know how much we all care!! This is such wonderful news about your *former* friend contacting and probably going to become a *current* friend
DF said
Well here's another supporter - been there done that and know how many obstacles can be encountered
The only issue of interest to me is a person's soul - the outer wrapping is only a container and you've got a pretty good inner person - you just have to learn to give yourself some cred!!
I'm so happy you've contacted your T and made an appt - if you find it hard to verbalise what is really happening inside, please punch out a letter or just have something to put on the table for you both to deal with
This time of year also makes anything that goes wrong so much worse
Anyhow (((Smiley))) please stay and talk with us - I personally would like to have another cyber friend to greet over the holidays
Much caring and lots of hugs
Morgs
Thank you for posting - you know how much we all care!! This is such wonderful news about your *former* friend contacting and probably going to become a *current* friend
DF said
quote:Glad to meet another LGBTQ on here
Well here's another supporter - been there done that and know how many obstacles can be encountered
The only issue of interest to me is a person's soul - the outer wrapping is only a container and you've got a pretty good inner person - you just have to learn to give yourself some cred!!I'm so happy you've contacted your T and made an appt - if you find it hard to verbalise what is really happening inside, please punch out a letter or just have something to put on the table for you both to deal with
This time of year also makes anything that goes wrong so much worse
Anyhow (((Smiley))) please stay and talk with us - I personally would like to have another cyber friend to greet over the holidays
Much caring and lots of hugs
Morgs
smiley
Really pleased that your friend called, that will be a really special Christmas gift for sure. Yes there will be a lot of catching up to do and understanding on both sides, but friendship roots run deeper than that when someone has been so important in your life.
I am sorry that there is so much difficulty going on for you, but just by naming all those difficult things going on in your life right now, they are out in the open and can be worked through, so don't stop writing. You are brave smiley and certainly not crazy. Please be honest with your T, she will trust you more if she knows you are and can certainly be more help if you can trust her with your fears.
Hug to you,
starfish
Really pleased that your friend called, that will be a really special Christmas gift for sure. Yes there will be a lot of catching up to do and understanding on both sides, but friendship roots run deeper than that when someone has been so important in your life.
I am sorry that there is so much difficulty going on for you, but just by naming all those difficult things going on in your life right now, they are out in the open and can be worked through, so don't stop writing. You are brave smiley and certainly not crazy. Please be honest with your T, she will trust you more if she knows you are and can certainly be more help if you can trust her with your fears.
Hug to you,
starfish
Hi Smiley
Thank you so much for checking in with us, i have been thinking of you so much and it was really good to hear from you. No wonder you are exhausted, you have a lot to cope with and that feeling of being maxed out and not getting anywhere is pure hell.
I would like to thank you for your courage in talking about your feelings. I was sitting this week and thinking of my what my focus for 2011 is going to be and i came up with "Living with an open heart." Around that time this thread started and it has highlighted how very hard it is to keep your heart open when things get tough. It is so hard to keep feeling and to welcome life in when it hurts and you most want to lock the door, close the curtains and never wake up again.
But somehow when i thought of you it touched something in me and it made me want to reach out and help in some way and just that made me feel like i had some value that i could possibly add to the world. So thank you for touching my heart. Seeing the care and concern you have received here has warmed some of the dark and shut down places in me that were starting to forget how to care.
Hold on to that chink of light that hearing from your friend has let in. Feed it and nurture it and it will root and eventually flower. All we need is the tiniest glimmer of hope and strength follows.
Your name, smiley, shows where your heart is and it is not your face that need to smile, it is your heart. Our hearts are so brave and resilient, and they do go on long after our intellect has given up. So if the warmth and care you have received has been able to touch my life so much, i hope it can do the same for you.
Love
Pandora
Thank you so much for checking in with us, i have been thinking of you so much and it was really good to hear from you. No wonder you are exhausted, you have a lot to cope with and that feeling of being maxed out and not getting anywhere is pure hell.
I would like to thank you for your courage in talking about your feelings. I was sitting this week and thinking of my what my focus for 2011 is going to be and i came up with "Living with an open heart." Around that time this thread started and it has highlighted how very hard it is to keep your heart open when things get tough. It is so hard to keep feeling and to welcome life in when it hurts and you most want to lock the door, close the curtains and never wake up again.
But somehow when i thought of you it touched something in me and it made me want to reach out and help in some way and just that made me feel like i had some value that i could possibly add to the world. So thank you for touching my heart. Seeing the care and concern you have received here has warmed some of the dark and shut down places in me that were starting to forget how to care.
Hold on to that chink of light that hearing from your friend has let in. Feed it and nurture it and it will root and eventually flower. All we need is the tiniest glimmer of hope and strength follows.
Your name, smiley, shows where your heart is and it is not your face that need to smile, it is your heart. Our hearts are so brave and resilient, and they do go on long after our intellect has given up. So if the warmth and care you have received has been able to touch my life so much, i hope it can do the same for you.
Love
Pandora
Dear Smiley,
Please don't be sorry for starting this thread. I think it's true that some people have been triggered, but I also think you've done something really beautiful here - in that you've spoken what may have been unspeakable for others who are silent. You have reached out to and let us be with you, and you have shown with real courage that it is possible to do that even in the worst of times. I can't imagine anything more important for us to discover.
I have lost someone to suicide too, as you may know, and so yes, this was in a sense triggering for me too. But I am okay - triggering for me these days mostly just means feeling some stuff strongly, and taking some time to listen to that stuff - and in fact just seeing this process of you reaching out has been really healing for me in a way I didn't expect. I know this struggle isn't over for you, Smiley, but your allowing us to be here as a community for you is a really strong thing. We don't want you to carry your pain alone, and none of us would want anyone to carry the triggery stuff (which *does not* begin with you, and is *not* in any way your fault) alone either. We are all here together, and no one need slip away or bear too much. I am glad we are sorting out the logistical stuff so we know everyone can feel safe with this - I hope it helps to make you feel safer too.
I am so, so glad to hear your friend has come back to you and asked for your forgiveness. The burden that must have been lifted there, I can imagine, is huge. I'm glad that you have now something you should have had a long time ago - the acknowledgement that this was a problem in *her*, not in you. I wanted to tell you that I remember coming out to my mum as bisexual when I was a teenager - because she's very liberal I thought she would be okay too. The rejection I saw in her eyes and in the things she said hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like a rejection of the core of me, like the end of love. So I can guess what a huge scar or wound you have been carrying from this. Especially given that that close friendship would have been so precious to you, given your family stuff. I'm so, so glad that the healing has begun on that.
The money stuff is an absolute killer, I know, especially when you are working your arse off. It is really, really hard to be exhausted, time-poor *and* broke. I was in that situation for years. All I can say is that things *can* change, sometimes unexpectedly, as with your friend's phone call. I know you can't sit around on a hope, but sometimes just having one or two burdens lightened - an old hurt resolved, care at the right moment from the right place - gives you enough energy to make it through to the next safe waystation - and maybe even from there to push things in a different direction.
Thank you for your promise to keep talking, Smiley. I know you're not crazy too. I think you're doing what you need to do in incredibly difficult circumstances. Keep reaching out.
Please don't be sorry for starting this thread. I think it's true that some people have been triggered, but I also think you've done something really beautiful here - in that you've spoken what may have been unspeakable for others who are silent. You have reached out to and let us be with you, and you have shown with real courage that it is possible to do that even in the worst of times. I can't imagine anything more important for us to discover.
I have lost someone to suicide too, as you may know, and so yes, this was in a sense triggering for me too. But I am okay - triggering for me these days mostly just means feeling some stuff strongly, and taking some time to listen to that stuff - and in fact just seeing this process of you reaching out has been really healing for me in a way I didn't expect. I know this struggle isn't over for you, Smiley, but your allowing us to be here as a community for you is a really strong thing. We don't want you to carry your pain alone, and none of us would want anyone to carry the triggery stuff (which *does not* begin with you, and is *not* in any way your fault) alone either. We are all here together, and no one need slip away or bear too much. I am glad we are sorting out the logistical stuff so we know everyone can feel safe with this - I hope it helps to make you feel safer too.
I am so, so glad to hear your friend has come back to you and asked for your forgiveness. The burden that must have been lifted there, I can imagine, is huge. I'm glad that you have now something you should have had a long time ago - the acknowledgement that this was a problem in *her*, not in you. I wanted to tell you that I remember coming out to my mum as bisexual when I was a teenager - because she's very liberal I thought she would be okay too. The rejection I saw in her eyes and in the things she said hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like a rejection of the core of me, like the end of love. So I can guess what a huge scar or wound you have been carrying from this. Especially given that that close friendship would have been so precious to you, given your family stuff. I'm so, so glad that the healing has begun on that.
The money stuff is an absolute killer, I know, especially when you are working your arse off. It is really, really hard to be exhausted, time-poor *and* broke. I was in that situation for years. All I can say is that things *can* change, sometimes unexpectedly, as with your friend's phone call. I know you can't sit around on a hope, but sometimes just having one or two burdens lightened - an old hurt resolved, care at the right moment from the right place - gives you enough energy to make it through to the next safe waystation - and maybe even from there to push things in a different direction.
Thank you for your promise to keep talking, Smiley. I know you're not crazy too. I think you're doing what you need to do in incredibly difficult circumstances. Keep reaching out.
(((Smiley)))
I am really glad that you started this thread! Not only for yourself, but for the help that I'm sure it has given to many.
You have so much going on in your life right now and just a fraction of that is enough to make even the strongest person question if it is all worth it. I don't know how long the temporary lasts, but I do know that I've asked myself that question many times. What I do know is that you are a very strong person and you are doing the work and eventually things won't seem so bleak. It is clear to me from your posts that you are a fighter and your spirit really shines through in what you write.
Please keep sharing, keep reaching out. I am so happy that your friend contacted you. What an amazing gift and such a great time for her to come to you. You will continue to be in my thoughts.
I am really glad that you started this thread! Not only for yourself, but for the help that I'm sure it has given to many.
You have so much going on in your life right now and just a fraction of that is enough to make even the strongest person question if it is all worth it. I don't know how long the temporary lasts, but I do know that I've asked myself that question many times. What I do know is that you are a very strong person and you are doing the work and eventually things won't seem so bleak. It is clear to me from your posts that you are a fighter and your spirit really shines through in what you write.
Please keep sharing, keep reaching out. I am so happy that your friend contacted you. What an amazing gift and such a great time for her to come to you. You will continue to be in my thoughts.
i`d like the join the chorus, saying its great that you have reached out here and started this thread. I am too, pleased to hear that you firend called after all these years, and that it meant a great deal to you. I was also glad to read that you have asked T for another session. You are doing the right things smiley, its very good! I`ll encourrage you to, if you can, tell your T exactly about the plans you made. - just be so clear, so that T can hav the chance to provide the nessisary help for you. Please, let us know how it goes further, and about the voices; do listen to that voice within you that tells you its good to write here and reach out. Listen to that voice smiley!
Hi, Smiley! Thank you so much for posting. ((((Smiley))))) (((((smiley))))) (((((Smiley)))))
as the others have siad, please don't apologize- I think it's so, so great that you reached out and said what you were feeling, allowing us to support you right now a bit...that shows tremendous strength and also, that you have reached out to your T. You deserve all the love and support and friendship in the world.
Gentle hugs, please keep on posting...we are here.
Love,
BB
as the others have siad, please don't apologize- I think it's so, so great that you reached out and said what you were feeling, allowing us to support you right now a bit...that shows tremendous strength and also, that you have reached out to your T. You deserve all the love and support and friendship in the world.
Gentle hugs, please keep on posting...we are here.
Love,
BB
Smiley, i am thinking of you today....
I am wondering if you`ve seen your T yet and how you are these days.. I hope you know we`re still right here and care about you..If and when you want we`ll be glad to hear how you cope, or not cope..
I follow up Bbebs hugging- policy and sending you lots of lots of hugs..
((((smiley))) (((smiley))) ((((smiley)))
I am wondering if you`ve seen your T yet and how you are these days.. I hope you know we`re still right here and care about you..If and when you want we`ll be glad to hear how you cope, or not cope..
I follow up Bbebs hugging- policy and sending you lots of lots of hugs..
((((smiley))) (((smiley))) ((((smiley)))
I'm still here. 
Hi Smiley,
Yes you are still here 
. I wish we had those jumping up and down happy icons here.
Thank you for posting and checking in. It's good to see you sharing and joining in again. I know it's hard when you feel that even breathing takes all your focus and energy and you are trying to find a reason to keep doing so.
When my oldT abandoned me and retraumatized me and added new trauma to my life I didn't know why I should go on. A few members on here encouraged me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day I will realize I have traveled far and made progress in my journey to healing and perhaps even something good will happen along the way. But I had to stay around to find out, even when it made little sense to do so and when the pain was so horribly overwhelming, so debilitating... but... then I met newT and he has helped me so much and I have started to really feel the good around me, the caring friends and members here and it really did help me.
Things are not wonderful but they are feeling a little better than they were and maybe tomorrow or next month they will even feel better than today.
I know our situations are different and I don't know you very well but I know you are a fighter and you are strong. Sometimes we just need to pause and catch our breath.
I hope your T can help you Smiley and that things begin to ease up a little and you can see the light again. Please know that everyone on here cares and supports you and understands the pain.
Please let us know how it goes with T.
Many hugs
TN
Yes you are still here
. I wish we had those jumping up and down happy icons here.Thank you for posting and checking in. It's good to see you sharing and joining in again. I know it's hard when you feel that even breathing takes all your focus and energy and you are trying to find a reason to keep doing so.
When my oldT abandoned me and retraumatized me and added new trauma to my life I didn't know why I should go on. A few members on here encouraged me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day I will realize I have traveled far and made progress in my journey to healing and perhaps even something good will happen along the way. But I had to stay around to find out, even when it made little sense to do so and when the pain was so horribly overwhelming, so debilitating... but... then I met newT and he has helped me so much and I have started to really feel the good around me, the caring friends and members here and it really did help me.
Things are not wonderful but they are feeling a little better than they were and maybe tomorrow or next month they will even feel better than today.
I know our situations are different and I don't know you very well but I know you are a fighter and you are strong. Sometimes we just need to pause and catch our breath.
I hope your T can help you Smiley and that things begin to ease up a little and you can see the light again. Please know that everyone on here cares and supports you and understands the pain.
Please let us know how it goes with T.
Many hugs
TN
Yup, we're here with you, Smiley.
Yesterday was a tough anniversary day for you - I'm so sorry. You will be in a lot of grief, along with everything else. Big, gentle hug for you.
Keep resting when you can, keep talking when you can. Things can get better.
love,
Jones
Yesterday was a tough anniversary day for you - I'm so sorry. You will be in a lot of grief, along with everything else. Big, gentle hug for you.
Keep resting when you can, keep talking when you can. Things can get better.
love,
Jones
Thanks , I'm having a rough day. Trying to work but having a hard time concentrating. I don't even know what to say anymore. Not much matters.
its ok smiley. One day at time. one tiny step at time. You matters. You matters. you matters. you matters.
Hi, Smiley...thank you for keeping posting...we are here, and even though it doesn't feel like it, you are doing *so* well. I think you are heroic for doing what you are doing every day. Just because it doesn't feel good, doesn't mean it isn't valuable. What you do every day is of tremendous value. You matter. When do you see your T again, do you have to wait much longer?
feathery hugs,
BB
feathery hugs,
BB
Hi all. I am supposed to see my T tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to talk. Not sure I will be able to tell all. Not sure I want to.
BB - I am in no way heroic at all. Just moving. It sure doesn't feel valuable.
((Draggers))
DF - No time off besides I'd just be idle. Can't do that either.
((Frog))
Jones you're right it was tough yesterday too. I still have alot of grief over it. It was a tragic accident.
TN - thanks for the positive thoughts.
I have decided to leave a little early and maybe catch an hours sleep before my next job.
BB - I am in no way heroic at all. Just moving. It sure doesn't feel valuable.
((Draggers))
DF - No time off besides I'd just be idle. Can't do that either.
((Frog))
Jones you're right it was tough yesterday too. I still have alot of grief over it. It was a tragic accident.
TN - thanks for the positive thoughts.
I have decided to leave a little early and maybe catch an hours sleep before my next job.
Hi Smiley, Hugs to you! ((((Smiley))))
I am so sorry for your pain and grief yesterday over the loss of your close friend. I know how it is so hurtful to you.
Just try to talk to your T and tell her it all if you can. Let us know how it goes.
Will be thinking of you! ((((Smiley))))
I am so sorry for your pain and grief yesterday over the loss of your close friend. I know how it is so hurtful to you.
Just try to talk to your T and tell her it all if you can. Let us know how it goes.
Will be thinking of you! ((((Smiley))))
smiley
good you're still here posting, well done for letting us know how you are too...that's brave of you.
I can only say that I would urge you to speak to your T tomorrow. It will be difficult, but it is really important that you let her in on how you are feeling. My T tells me just to start with one word, any word, just to get going...sometimes that helps. Maybe you could write a few things down, again just a few words or phrases that you could give to her if the words just won't come.
I too am so sorry to hear about your loss, anniversaries can be so hard ((((smiley)))
starfish
good you're still here posting
, well done for letting us know how you are too...that's brave of you.I can only say that I would urge you to speak to your T tomorrow. It will be difficult, but it is really important that you let her in on how you are feeling. My T tells me just to start with one word, any word, just to get going...sometimes that helps. Maybe you could write a few things down, again just a few words or phrases that you could give to her if the words just won't come.
I too am so sorry to hear about your loss, anniversaries can be so hard ((((smiley)))
starfish
Dear Smiley,
I'm not sure where you're at time-wise - if you've been already to your appointment or not. I know it's hard for you to go - I hope you can, and that you get a little of what you need in that time.
I'm so sorry for your grief. The loss sounds terrible. (((((Smiley)))))
I was wondering if you have been able to have any way of commemorating your friend this year - some kind of ritual to give you a concrete place for this loss in your life? I know the grief is not something that comes up for a day on the anniversary and disappears again. But it can be so hard when you are incredibly busy to find a way to be with it. And sometimes it feels easier to keep running, to *not* be with it. I guess the danger then is that it can leak out everywhere, colour everything. I know there is lots else going on for you Smiley but I hope you can find a little space for this, knowing that we are here in support of you. Your grief is powerful because your love for your friend was powerful. Is still powerful - I believe grief is another form of love.
Sending gentle thoughts your way.
Love,
Jones
PS by ritual I don't mean anything fancy. One of my Ts just suggested I put a picture somewhere and that really helped me.
I'm not sure where you're at time-wise - if you've been already to your appointment or not. I know it's hard for you to go - I hope you can, and that you get a little of what you need in that time.
I'm so sorry for your grief. The loss sounds terrible. (((((Smiley)))))
I was wondering if you have been able to have any way of commemorating your friend this year - some kind of ritual to give you a concrete place for this loss in your life? I know the grief is not something that comes up for a day on the anniversary and disappears again. But it can be so hard when you are incredibly busy to find a way to be with it. And sometimes it feels easier to keep running, to *not* be with it. I guess the danger then is that it can leak out everywhere, colour everything. I know there is lots else going on for you Smiley but I hope you can find a little space for this, knowing that we are here in support of you. Your grief is powerful because your love for your friend was powerful. Is still powerful - I believe grief is another form of love.
Sending gentle thoughts your way.
Love,
Jones
PS by ritual I don't mean anything fancy. One of my Ts just suggested I put a picture somewhere and that really helped me.
Hi - my appointment is later this afternoon and I am getting nervous about going. I always seem to downplay how I am really feeling. I am going to try and tell her. I've been in this place before, many years ago now, New Year's Eve, feeling like crap and a bottle of pills. (and no, I don't have any pills) I really hate to talk about how I'm feeling.
As for my friend, I do have a picture of him on my shelf at home. I also have a couple of things at work that remind me of him. He was such a great guy with the warmest smile you've ever seen. Sometimes I think he is the lucky one really. At least he's out of all the crap.
As for my friend, I do have a picture of him on my shelf at home. I also have a couple of things at work that remind me of him. He was such a great guy with the warmest smile you've ever seen. Sometimes I think he is the lucky one really. At least he's out of all the crap.
Dear Smiley. I understand that you are nervous about this session. I understnad that its a "risk" that you will end up downplaying how you are feeling today. But at least you`re aware of the "risk" - maybe you can write a sentence (about your plans) and give to your T to read? I know its very very hard, but i strongly encourage you to be as honest and clearly as possible right from the start. It can be said with only a sentence, you know? and then let T take it from there. I am a bit worried that you`ll end up downplaying this, so that you`ll end up not feeling helped or heard after the session... We`re still here after todays session, and will supprt you. thanks for updating us. Sending you lots of calming thoughts and all the best luck for this session. Let us know how it went if you can...? (maybe an updatefrom the session can be a motivator as well, sp that you can "force" yourself to be as open and honest as possible about how you feeling..?)
(((smiley)))
(((smiley)))
Hi Smiley
I hope you manage to take even a small step in the direction of talking about your feelings. It is hard, it is so difficult being vulnerable when you are vulnerable and the best solution seems to be to switch off and shut down. So i wish you courage to open up to whatever feelings it is that you are feeling.
Take good care, Smiley
Love
Pan
I hope you manage to take even a small step in the direction of talking about your feelings. It is hard, it is so difficult being vulnerable when you are vulnerable and the best solution seems to be to switch off and shut down. So i wish you courage to open up to whatever feelings it is that you are feeling.
Take good care, Smiley
Love
Pan
Hi Smiley,
Sorry I haven't posted in a little while, we were out of town picking up my daughter. I hope you were able to open up even just a little with your T about your feelings. Being able to have our feelings heard and be understood is often what gives us a sense that we matter. But it's really scary to do and can take some time. Let us know how it went. (((((Smiley))))))
AG
Sorry I haven't posted in a little while, we were out of town picking up my daughter. I hope you were able to open up even just a little with your T about your feelings. Being able to have our feelings heard and be understood is often what gives us a sense that we matter. But it's really scary to do and can take some time. Let us know how it went. (((((Smiley))))))
AG
smiley - reallly hope today might have been helpful for you. Of course you don't have to tell us how it went if that's too difficult, but just let us know you are ok if you can.
((((smiley))))
starfish
((((smiley))))
starfish
Thinking of you Smiley and hoping your session went well and it helped you to feel better.
Hugs
TN
Hugs
TN
I went to my session. I can't say it was great. We talked about the holidays. We talked about what I was going to be doing. We talked about if I found any joy in all this. I said I wasn't feeling joy about anything right now. I said life wasn't doing it for me at the moment. No I didn't tell her about my plans. I couldn't get the words out. I did ask for another appointment next week - I told her I wasn't feeling very stable at the moment. She was her usual understanding, caring self. I could see a bit of concern on her face but I didn't mention it. She said we need to talk about the medication come the first of the year. I said sure thing and she just smiled. She knows I don't want to see a shrink (sorry shrinklady )
So what did I accomplish today? Nothing. I'm sitting here thinking I wasted a perfectly good session on bullshit. It is my way I guess to avoid letting her in to know what's really going on. Why would I do that? I have no idea. I just smile and move along. Pretty much it's what I do. I just move along and take whatever comes at me and so it goes.
Can I tell you that I feel so very stupid for even feeling this way. I just need to get through this time and everything will be ok. Just have to get through......
Smiley
) So what did I accomplish today? Nothing. I'm sitting here thinking I wasted a perfectly good session on bullshit. It is my way I guess to avoid letting her in to know what's really going on. Why would I do that? I have no idea. I just smile and move along. Pretty much it's what I do. I just move along and take whatever comes at me and so it goes.
Can I tell you that I feel so very stupid for even feeling this way. I just need to get through this time and everything will be ok. Just have to get through......
Smiley
Hi Smiley... thanks for checking in. I'm sorry your session was not as good as you wished it would be but you did ask for another one next week and that is really good. That is taking care of yourself. I know sometimes it's hard to keeping putting on foot in front of the other when there is no joy to give us the energy to move along. But you never know what surprising or wonderful thing could happen next... like your old friend contacting you to make amends with you. That was a nice thing you didn't expect to happen.
Smiley I dont' think you wasted the session at all. My oldT used to say that no session was a waste of time. Just making contact and talking with someone is helpful. You did reach out for contact and even if you didn't discuss anything huge ... you did go and you told her that you were not feeling any joy in all of this. You put it out there for her. You told her you were not feeling too stable. That takes courage to admit. And you could feel her care and understanding. That connection, that being heard by someone, especially a T, is healing in itself. And we are all good at avoidance at some points in therapy. It's hard to be open and vulnerable all the time. I think you did really well.
Forgive me if I don't remember this but have you been on meds before? Did they not help you? Did you stop because of side effects? Please only answer if you feel you can.
Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.
TN
Smiley I dont' think you wasted the session at all. My oldT used to say that no session was a waste of time. Just making contact and talking with someone is helpful. You did reach out for contact and even if you didn't discuss anything huge ... you did go and you told her that you were not feeling any joy in all of this. You put it out there for her. You told her you were not feeling too stable. That takes courage to admit. And you could feel her care and understanding. That connection, that being heard by someone, especially a T, is healing in itself. And we are all good at avoidance at some points in therapy. It's hard to be open and vulnerable all the time. I think you did really well.
Forgive me if I don't remember this but have you been on meds before? Did they not help you? Did you stop because of side effects? Please only answer if you feel you can.
Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.
TN
Hi Smiley
I am so with you on that. I thought of calling myself Pollyana because i feel like an advert half the time, telling it like it isn't, if you know what i mean.
Much of my journey has been to bridge the gap between the outside facade and the inner turmoil i feel and at the moment i am also feeling kind of bleak and what is the pointish. So much of what you are expressing really reasonates with how i am feeling and has been touching me deeply.
Except for that bit about feeling stupid for feeling this way and maybe this is a really important difference. There is something very comforting for me knowing why i feel like i feel and so i am being kinder and more gentle with my fragile self.
I have had an incredibly hard 2 years, i am drained and exhausted for good reason, life hurts and it i have been hurting and so i go through the motions of daily life but i try and sort of cheerlead myself through the worst bits.
There is so much you are not acknowledging in your self, how brave you are being, how kind to others and generous you are with your support on the forum in the midst of what must be one of the worst times in your life. Judging yourself harshly is truly the source of the worst kind of pain imaginable but it is the ONE area you have some control over. You can stop doing it. We cannot change what happens to us but how we talk to ourselves and how we relate to those wounded parts of us, that is within our power.
So please, please, please smile inwards for a bit instead of outwards, smile down at those aching, hurting bits and you know what they say, fake it till you make it! There is an exercise i came across some years ago called the inner smile and your eyes smile down at the different parts of your body, they smile inwardly, to your heart and lungs and all the inside bits.
For most of us on the forum our joy comes from the kindness of others, something touches our heart and we feel good inside, or we touch someones life and that also makes us feel good. So the inward smile is quite a stretch because usually we are berating and beating ourselves up for not being different, stronger, happier, more successful, etc. etc. And with this you are giving yourself some much needed love and support.
So i am beaming my inner smile to you and hoping that it reaches down into those dark places and for just a moment shines some light and warmth on where it is hurting most.
Love
Pan
quote:I just smile and move along.
I am so with you on that. I thought of calling myself Pollyana because i feel like an advert half the time, telling it like it isn't, if you know what i mean.
Much of my journey has been to bridge the gap between the outside facade and the inner turmoil i feel and at the moment i am also feeling kind of bleak and what is the pointish. So much of what you are expressing really reasonates with how i am feeling and has been touching me deeply.
quote:Can I tell you that I feel so very stupid for even feeling this way.
Except for that bit about feeling stupid for feeling this way and maybe this is a really important difference. There is something very comforting for me knowing why i feel like i feel and so i am being kinder and more gentle with my fragile self.
I have had an incredibly hard 2 years, i am drained and exhausted for good reason, life hurts and it i have been hurting and so i go through the motions of daily life but i try and sort of cheerlead myself through the worst bits.
There is so much you are not acknowledging in your self, how brave you are being, how kind to others and generous you are with your support on the forum in the midst of what must be one of the worst times in your life. Judging yourself harshly is truly the source of the worst kind of pain imaginable but it is the ONE area you have some control over. You can stop doing it. We cannot change what happens to us but how we talk to ourselves and how we relate to those wounded parts of us, that is within our power.
So please, please, please smile inwards for a bit instead of outwards, smile down at those aching, hurting bits and you know what they say, fake it till you make it!
There is an exercise i came across some years ago called the inner smile and your eyes smile down at the different parts of your body, they smile inwardly, to your heart and lungs and all the inside bits. For most of us on the forum our joy comes from the kindness of others, something touches our heart and we feel good inside, or we touch someones life and that also makes us feel good. So the inward smile is quite a stretch because usually we are berating and beating ourselves up for not being different, stronger, happier, more successful, etc. etc. And with this you are giving yourself some much needed love and support.
So i am beaming my inner smile to you and hoping that it reaches down into those dark places and for just a moment shines some light and warmth on where it is hurting most.
Love
Pan
Smiley, (((((Smiley)))))
I know that you are not pleased with yourself that your session wasn't all that it could of been. But, you did go to it and you did talk and was able to tell her some important things about how you feel. You even got another appointment!! That in itself is great! It also shows much courage and strength!
So you did accomplish some really great things, it all wasn't a failure. Maybe next time you can share a little more with her. Just take little steps at a time.
Pan has a great idea about the inward smile, it really resonated with me as well, so maybe try it too. Take good care of yourself!
(((((Smiley)))))
I know that you are not pleased with yourself that your session wasn't all that it could of been. But, you did go to it and you did talk and was able to tell her some important things about how you feel. You even got another appointment!! That in itself is great! It also shows much courage and strength!
So you did accomplish some really great things, it all wasn't a failure. Maybe next time you can share a little more with her. Just take little steps at a time.
Pan has a great idea about the inward smile, it really resonated with me as well, so maybe try it too. Take good care of yourself!
(((((Smiley)))))
Hey Smiley are you out there? Come say hello.
Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you on Christmas and wishing I could invite you over for some good Italian food. There is plenty to share.
I hope you are okay and that your day has gone as well as possible for you.
Safe hugs
TN
Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you on Christmas and wishing I could invite you over for some good Italian food. There is plenty to share.
I hope you are okay and that your day has gone as well as possible for you.
Safe hugs
TN
Hey Smiley, Christmas greetings from me way out in a wilderness somewhere in a far flung corner of the globe. Wanted to send you a special hello today. I can't tell you where I am but it's by a beautiful green river, and I can see kids playing with a pink balloon, white butterflies, and red ants crawling along a powerline in the sunlight. This part of the world wishes you well.
Love,
Jones
Love,
Jones
Christmas wishes to you smiley,
starfish
starfish
Thinking of you today and every day Smiley. Merry Christmas.
Thinking of you from here in a verrrry cold part of the world, sending you love and wishes for peace...Smiley. Let us know how you are coping today?
xoxo,
BB
xoxo,
BB
Hi ((Smiley))
Thinking of you and hoping to hear from you soon.
Morgs
Thinking of you and hoping to hear from you soon.
Morgs
Hi Smiley...I just wanted to check in with you and say hi. How did you manage through the Christmas holidays? Do you get any time off from work to relax a bit? Did you see your T this week?
I would love to hear something from you.
Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes.
TN
I would love to hear something from you.
Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes.
TN
Ditto what TN said. Hoping to hear from you soon and hope that you got through the holidays ok.
yeah, also ditto TN! I`ve been thinking about you and a bit worried that we havent heard from you here for a while..
Okay Smiley, you are feeling sad. I get that from the icon. Let's talk a bit about that. I really do think it would help you to at least rant a bit on here about things. I know you have some fight in you because I have seen it.
And remember, the holidays... they are just a day like any other. People use them as a reason to drink and eat a lot. You can use the day as a day to pamper yourself.
So let's talk. Remember someone is always here to listen and help. This board and the wonderful members here (of which you are one) have really saved my sanity over the past six months when I was abandoned by my oldT. I have found there is strength in numbers and that having support really means so much. You are a part of this community and we need you here because you play a part in listening and understanding and supporting. You and your voice are important.
I'm listening.
TN
And remember, the holidays... they are just a day like any other. People use them as a reason to drink and eat a lot. You can use the day as a day to pamper yourself.
So let's talk. Remember someone is always here to listen and help. This board and the wonderful members here (of which you are one) have really saved my sanity over the past six months when I was abandoned by my oldT. I have found there is strength in numbers and that having support really means so much. You are a part of this community and we need you here because you play a part in listening and understanding and supporting. You and your voice are important.
I'm listening.
TN