((((((smiley))))))
so sorry you are sad. even if it doesn't seem like it right now, it will get better. please remember - holidays seem to make a lot of heartache and pain so much worse. I'm going through a post holiday crash myself - and I know you were working on hanging in through the holidays. just keep hanging on and know you are loved and accepted just as you are.
care about you much,
~ jane

Awwww Smiley,

It's good to see you here, but sorry to see you sad! Is it possible for you to talk about it? Only if you wish too though.

Sorry but I don't really have anything to say.

It's okay, smiley! So glad/relieved to hear from you. Everyone here cares for you so much! ~D.

Thanks Smiley. At least I know why you haven't been posting. Just remember that whatever you DO have to say is important to all of us here.

I hope you will soon feel like sharing with us again. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hoping you were dealing okay.

did you see T this week?

Thanks,
TN

smiley,

Just good for us to see you still here, you don't need to find words smiley for now. Just please post when you can and when you need to reach out. Someone will always be here for you,

starfish

Hi Smiley,
I'm glad to see you are here with all of us, your friends, tonight. In a couple of days, the holidays will be behind us. Things will get back to a normal pace and routine.
Hang in there. Post when you need/want to. (((((((((smiley)))))))))

Holding On

(((Smiley)))
So good to hear from you so sorry you're sad Have a quiet re-read of TN's lovely post. Also just try to do just one small pleasant thing for yourself each day
You can see from all our posts that you are very much cared for so when you can, make use of our caring

Morgs

((((Smiley))))

Just wondering how you are doing since the holidays have past. I really do hope you are feeling a little better. When is your next session?

Everyone here is missing you and we all hope you can come and talk with us. We are here for you.

Smiley,
One day at a time..

much love
PG

I'm here. sorry I haven't written. I don' t really have anything to say. Next T appt. in 2 weeks. not happy about that but I don't want to call for another one either. waste of time to sit in silence.

Dear Smiley, thanks for letting us know. Its ok that you cant write much. Of course. I am sorry ìts long before next session. I`d like to second that its waste of time to sit in silence though.. Even the silence- sessions can "change" things sometimes. Anyway: Take care and do whatever you have to, in order to stay safe and in less in pain. Thinking of you.

Hey Smiley, it's good to see you. It's hard to talk or write, I know. Do you think that is something to do with permission maybe, like it doesn't feel acceptable to say the things you might say? Or is it maybe that what you're going through just doesn't have words attached at the moment? Or something different....

Hey I just did your name on this graffiti creator but I don't know if you can see it - might be fun for a play if you just feel like switching off. (couldn't get it to save what I did but never mind)

http://www.graffiticreator.net/

I'm happy to see you post. I'm sorry you have to wait 2 weeks to see T. That is a really long time when feeling so down. I understand about the not talking. It is so hard sometimes. Safe and gentle hugs to you my dear.

Hi Smiley,


It is good to see you post again. No worry about having to talk much here, we just want to know how you are!

Sorry tour next session is in 2 weeks, thats a bummer! Hopefully it will go bye fast for you. If not, come and visit us here. I know all would like that.

Warm and safe hugs to you!! ((((Smiley))))

Hi Smiley... thanks for stopping by. It was good to see a post from you.

May I just make a comment about sitting in silence. I suggest that it is never a waste to sit with your T in silence. You may just be doing quiet internal work. Or you may be absorbing the feeling of being in a safe place where you can be heard and accepted. Or you may be taking in your Ts non -verbals and find some comfort in that.

You will speak when you are ready. I'm sorry you have to wait so long to see your T again. I know how long that wait can be, even if it's only to sit with T and feel safe.

Best to you
TN

.........i don't know what to do anymore. my t wanted to know what goals i had for the new coming year - i laughed. goals? i have no goals....i have no wants or needs anymore. actually that's not true, i need to get away from all of this. just get away..... goals....how crazy of an idea is that? i know, sarcastic.....just really agitated and fed up with everything life has tossed my way.

Smiley,

Good to see you posting. I can relate to the feeling of being fed up with everything. I've been there lately myself. The only thing that I can suggest regarding goal setting is to think really small. For example, a small goal would be, "I'm going to get out of bed and get dressed today." Anything beyond that is just extra. Once you get in a place where the small goal is easy you can choose another goal that is small but attainable.

smiley ~

I'm not sure what it is exactly like for you, but I can relate to some of what you are feeling. I am mad and frustrated at how much crud I have been through and how much keeps pouring in! Sometimes I just want to scream ENOUGH!

Having a T ask me about goals for 2011 would be hard for me right now - I'd almost want to say "well, I'd like to win the nobel peace prize, cure cancer, own my own private island, and have a safe and happy family." ha. yeah right.

I think your T was trying to get at what you want - albeit in a way that didn't feel so good. Do you find it hard to want and need things because the pain of your wants and needs not being met is huge? Sometimes I feel it is easier to just not want or have ANY needs than face the ocean of pain that is there when they are not met...

Maybe there are some ways to find some healthy ways to get away from all the crud? I know it seems so bleak and dark right now, but there is hope and help out there. And you are not alone in any of this.

It's really ok to be sarcastic and frustrated with all you ar going through. Sarcasm is a way to express anger. Anger tells us things are not ok and fuels us for action.

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I know some of what you are going through - and it's hard. But I can tell you, it does get better. You are strong, beautiful, and so worth it. Keep hanging in there and keep feeling and expressing what you can and fighting the good fight to feel. There are very few absolutes in life - but I can say this for sure is true: there is always hope and help and you are never alone. Sometimes the road is very long, but you will get there. I have been there where it seems like there is no way out or away... but it came... it took awhile, too long, but it still came and it is worth it. It is worth it to keep hanging in.

Shiesh, I am rambly today! I' m glad you are posting as you can. If I am totally off the mark, ignore what I say - except for how amazing you are, and that it does it get better.

safe hugs,
~jane

Thank you all for answering me. I must sound like an old record. It isn't just the goal thing. I have never had goals, mostly because I never felt I would be here to fulfil any of them. Just never wanted to be bothered trying and getting kicked down again.
One of the things she wants to talk about is me and why I can't seem to like me. I want nothing to do with me. If you want the truth all I can think of is killing me and getting rid of that inner me.

quote:

Just never wanted to be bothered trying and getting kicked down again.

I know that feeling, so well...

quote:

One of the things she wants to talk about is me and why I can't seem to like me. I want nothing to do with me. If you want the truth all I can think of is killing me and getting rid of that inner me.

Does your T know that?

There is hope and help. I know it is super hard to believe...

Keep talking to us and your T.

I know you hate you. Deeply. But I don't, and your T doesn't. And there is a way to learn to want and need and love you and to find a way out of this darkness.

You don't sound like an old record. You sound like someone who has been through and SURVIVED a lot of crud (to put it lightly) and who is hurting. It sounds like life has taught you that you are not worth it, and I am so sorry, because that is NOT TRUE.

You are worth it. Keep talking and sharing - it may not seem like it helps now, but it will, keep at it.

many safe hugs smiley,
~ jane

quote:

Sometimes I feel it is easier to just not want or have ANY needs than face the ocean of pain that is there when they are not met...

Wow, do I hear this. That is totally me.

But hey Smiley, I'm glad you wrote again. You said something about hating your "inner me" and it reminded me of something my T did with me once. Basically I have taken over for everyone picking on me about things (in my current case, parenting) so even when my T might compliment me on how I handled a situation with my kids, MY "inner me" doesn't even accept it or let it penetrate or anything, just because I have had people in the past who think I can't do anything good or right as a parent. Anyway, my T asked me how would it feel if I just ignored the inner me for half a second to let my T's compliment penetrate, and for half a second it felt marvelous!!!!! My inner me voice feels like ghost voices of my parents, sister, husband, ex's, etc. - people who don't even care about me! And I defer to them constantly. I personally still don't know why I listen. I know I feel guilty when I argue with them (even just in my head) though. What I thought was strange was I *could* ignore it for half a second.

I hope it helps knowing others struggle too. I don't know what else to say but I'm glad you wrote. You're really important to us! ~D.

smiley - just a thought on goals.

My T said I used to set myself ridiculously high goals, my expectations of myself were way higher than any I had for anyone else, then I fell flat on my face when I couldn't live up to them. It was a horid viscious circle.......my T's solution???...set smaller goals that were small and manageable, sometimes even ridiculously simple to achieve, but the feeling of achievement, however small, was far more helpful than the constant failing.

Thanks for posting smiley, I'm sure so many people on this forum have bits in then they would rather not have anything to do with ...I have for sure.....it's just a case of finding those bits that you do want to associate with - the ones that we all can see and love here,

starfish

yes my T knows how I feel. Her solution is different meds. Always meds. It's all the same. things don't really change enough for me to say, wow - this could be worth it. Just isn't in the cards for me. I have always believed that there was a teeny chance I might make it through all this crap, but I just have to accept that it will never be for me. I can't deal with my past and live with it comfortably, I have tried and it doesn't work. There is always something that triggers, there's always depression, and there is always a need to get out - run - hide. I can't take the struggling, the pain, the disgust, the hatred, the shame. just can't do it anymore.
Listen I've worked hard for many years to getthrough this all. My T has been great and has taught me alot about myself - most I'd rather not know, but nonetheless, I've learned it. I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with naything right now.

I'm sorry. I sound like a child, whining on. "Just shove an apple in that kids mouth and be done with it!" there ya go.

Dear smiley, I am sorry that the solutions offered by your T don't seem to be helpful for you. That must feel so hard and you obviously work really hard in your therapy(((smiley)))) I really hope we might be able to keep supporting you through this time. Please keep posting here, there are many people who really care about you.

....and you are not whining at all, I am glad you are able to share with us how you feel. Please keep doing that if you can smiley. Take care,

starfish

Dear Smiley,

You don't sound like a whining child even a little bit. You sound like someone who has had to scrape together every resource to survive under extremely tough circumstances. You have held on to that teeny chance, that teeny hope, hard and it's got you this far, through terrible difficulty. Please don't let it go now.

Here's what I believe: in no way do you deserve to be trapped in self-disgust, self-hatred and shame. In no way. There is nothing you could tell me about yourself or what you have done, said, thought or felt that would make me believe you deserve those feelings. I have talked to a lot of people and read a lot of different people's stories, many of them extreme. Whatever is in your past or present, I 100% believe that you are deserving of forgiveness, love, respect and care.

I also believe some other things about self-disgust, self-hatred and shame: 1) that those feelings are making your load *immeasurably* heavier, 2) that those feelings are *learned responses* that humans take on when circumstances force them to survive very harmful situations, and 3) that those feelings absolutely *can be healed and let go*, with the right support.

So you are struggling to hold on to any possibility of hope right now. I know you have worked extremely hard and feel exhausted, but I have hope for you, and belief in you, and I know so many others on this board do too. A lot comes down to strategy, to finding ways to get into situations where your efforts are not futile, but actually do make a difference for you. No one can do that alone. Strategy might mean figuring out if your T is the right T for you, if you can get extra help from other sources, if altering the meds is a good bet or not. It might mean putting our heads together to help you find ways to get the daily respite that you so desperately need. Let us help you strategise, Smiley - if you possibly can. We are here for you, and if you can keep your patience enough for us to try to help you out, I am very sure we would love to.

Jones

quote:

I have always believed that there was a teeny chance I might make it through all this crap,

Hi Smiley, I was glad to hear from you. You say you believe you can make it through but perhaps that belief is a bit shaky right now. Well, until it gets strong again WE can believe for you. You need to trust that if we believe then you will again believe you can do this. Until you feel stronger you can lean on us.

I know how bleak things can seem when you are stumbling around in the dark. I know you feel like giving up but you never know what wonderful thing can happen, what amazing person can come into your life or what beautiful thing you will see and appreciate next.

Can you name anything positive in your life? You say you have a good T, well that is something. And that she taught you a lot, that is something else. I'm sorry but I don't know you well, but I would think that you have someone in your life that you care about and want the best for? I'm sure there is someone who feels like that about you too, even if you can't see it right now.

I think what Jones wrote is very true and accurate. I believe that all those self-defeating feelings can be healed and let go with the right support and caring. Just keep taking those small, tiny steps forward and soon you will look around and notice the progess you have made. Take very small goals and when you accomplish them it will encourage you to try another goal.

You could make posting one new thing about you here each day a goal... so we can get to know you better and are better able to offer you the support that you need.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Many hugs
TN

Oh Smiley, i am so sorry it is so utterly dreadful for you at the moment. It sounds relentless and i seriously doubt that anything any of us say can actually be of help.

But i am going to try anyway and be honest by saying that i try more for myself than for you. It is incredible important for me (and most human beings i suspect) to feel they have something of value to contribute to the world no matter how small and by reaching out to you i feel as if i am trying and that makes me feel good.

By beating yourself up so thoroughly there is no chance for that process to happen at all for you. Those thoughts about how hopeless and awful it is are not your 'friends', they might fit like a glove and be as familiar as an old friend but they are monsters in disguise. And you need to chase them out your head and lock the door on them.

Smiley, those thoughts are distorted and nasty and the only error we make is believing them. They are not true and they do not belong to you. There is a you beyond the pain, the disgust, the hatred and the shame, you would not be here if there wasn't, you would not have survived if you were pure self loathing. So without a doubt there is more to you than that.

Those monsters have had their time with you, if you truly can't take it anymore then CHOOSE to stop doing this to yourself. Life is pretty shitty without your help, but you are making it hell on earth simply by believing thoughts that do not exist and have no power other than what you give to them.

It is as terrifying as standing up to a real bully who is making your life hell, but you have to face them down and tell them firmly to go away, you are being bullied by a thougth, plain and simple and you can stop doing it if you are willing to try. If your stare a nasty thought in the face it slinks away and disappears. It just takes a lot of courage the first time but it gets easier and easier.

I am not for a single second saying that any of this is your fault and i hope it does not sound like that. It has nothing to do with blame or the past whatever it holds. It is about stopping the abuse, you are in enough pain. So please do something, one tiny small nice thing for yourself or someone else and when you feel good about it hang on to that because it will remind you that it is possible to feel okay and worthwhile. And you are both okay and more than worthwhile.

Pandora

Smiley,

Thinking of you. I agree with everything that has been said. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there will be a day where things are different. Please keep reaching out, talk to your T, find a different one if the one you have isn't helping you. You are worth the help and worth fighting for so please don't give up.

smiley,

Just checking in to see how you were and hoping that you might still reach out and post to us. We're thinking about you,

starfish x

Smiley, thinking of you. I hope you are reading and that you are safe, and as ok as you can be right now. We miss you. If there is anything at all we can do to help, let us know.

Thank you all for still talking to me. I am still here. I am still not ok and this is really getting to be a pain now. I'm so not happy with anything. I have done all that I can do. I try to keep myself busy. I go with the flow on the weekends and visit the grandkids and do all the fun stuff with them. I try to keep everyone happy and content. Inside I'm dying. I really can't stand it anymore. Nothing works. I'm tired of saying I've had enough and I'm tired of trying to make things better only to be right back here in this dark and empty place.
None of you need to continue this thread anymore. I thank you for all of your love and support. thank you

(((((((((Smiley)))))))))

Why pretend to be happy with the grandkids and all when you are so unhappy inside? You don't have to pretend to be happy when you're not. It's okay to be miserable and let those around you care about you. Let them care about you. They can't if they don't know how sad you are.

Smiley, I don't know what to say that hasn't been said before. But I hope you reach out today. Reach out to someone. Your T, your family. Let someone know how unhappy you are.

(((((HUGS)))))))

Liese

Hi Smiley,
Thank you for checking in. I am sorry that you are still feeling so trapped in your pain. And we know we don't NEED to continue this thread, we just want to. I know it's odd for people you've never met, but we really do care about you and how you're doing. If you can bring yourself to talk more about it this is a good place to do it. Have you been letting your T know where you are at?

AG

Hey Smiley - thank you for checking in. It is good to see you.

It sounds like you are very driven to take care of other people's needs, and that's coming at the expense of your own needs. It might be hard to even have an idea of what your needs are, beyond the urgency of wanting the pain to stop completely. I really like Liese's suggestion of just letting people in on how you are feeling and letting them care for you if you possibly can. I also would like to ask if there is anything you have done for yourself in the past that has given you comfort that you could draw on now? Can you take an hour out *just* for you to go somewhere nice - sit by some trees or water somewhere, listen to some music, or go to a movie just for you, go for a walk, something like that?

I also want to say that it's a beautiful thing that you care about others, that you want others to be happy and content, that you give so much to your grandkids. That's a very loving part of you and I am sure it gives joy to others. It's just you need the care, support, the happiness and contentment too, otherwise the system inside you is not sustainable. And you deserve all that stuff too.

I'm sorry if it's frustrating for us to keep calling on you like this when you probably just want to withdraw from everything. But we call on you and will keep calling on you with great care and gentleness, because we really do value you, and we don't want to lose you.

Jones

quote:

I'm sorry if it's frustrating for us to keep calling on you like this when you probably just want to withdraw from everything. But we call on you and will keep calling on you with great care and gentleness, because we really do value you, and we don't want to lose you.

I think Jones put this very well and I would like to second the sentiment. We care about you and we will keep this thread going to offer our support and caring to you. We will not give up on you Smiley and one day you will be able to feel the same way.

I think it's lovely that you do things with your grandchildren. My grandmother was the most influential woman in my life. I lost her when I was in my mid-thirties and I miss her every day but I have such wonderful memories of her cooking for us, teaching me how to bake a butter pound cake and how to sew and crochet. She had a really hard, unhappy life and we knew this but we had each other and that was all that really mattered. It's okay if your grandchildren don't see you happy all the time, they will love you for who you really are.

I know it's hard when it seem so dark and hopeless. I felt that way over the past 5 months. What kept me going was my young son. I focused on him and on making those special memories together... like the ones you are making with your grandchildren.

I truly wish that the darkness lifts for you soon and you can once again walk in the sunshine with the grandkids.

Many hugs
TN

smilley

Good to see you post even though I imagine it must be really hard for you to do so. Thank you for your opennes and honesty too. You will find I am sure that people here WILL carry on replying and talking to you here, because we care deeply about you. Certainly not because we feel oblibed to, but because we really want to.

I too would echo TNs well-put sentiments, that the dakness lifts soon for you, you deserve to see the sunshine smiley that waits somewhere for you,

starfish

(((((((SMILEY)))))))

Just checking in to see how you are doing?

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Liese

Yeah, hugs for you Smiley. We are all still here. Hoping for better days for you.

smiley,

Still thinking about you and wondering how you were doing? Sending a hug or two as well ....

starfish