Wow Ainsley you took the words and feelings right out of my mouth and put in type!!

You wrote this with such clarity and perfect description that I even want to copy it and show it to my T some day.

I know exactly how you are feeling. Exactly. I have gone through this but I can't say I have reached the other side so I am not able to give you any real advice or insight as to how it translates out from therapy sessions and an individual T.

I saw a T for 16 years. 16 whole years!! I thought I would always know her one way or another. And she too like with you made me feel less lonely in this world. Even when I was way too alone and spent way too much time by myself I felt I was not completely alone because I held her in my heart and thought about her all the time and I believed she was thinking of me too. Then one day she told me she had to retire. Had to move on to different work. OMG my world crushed down to nothing. I never felt such pain in my whole life. She told me that she would speak with me for a few more months and then she would not be able to talk to me or see me for 2 years. No contact what so ever. I was in agony. I begged her not to leave me. Long story short she did leave and because I was not getting over her she also decided that she would never see or talk to me again so that I could move on and not hold out hope of seeing her again. She has held to that stance. It has been 5 years since then and only now can I say that I rarely think of her. Even as I write this though tears well up because of the amount of pain I went through. And to be honest with you I have not really found a therapist since then. Not really. But one thing that happened was I told her how she helped me through everything that she kept me going etc. And one day she said "Listen (my name) YOU did this. You alone have done all the recovery work. YOu alone have done all these things for yourself. I have not done these things for you." I felt like I was shot out into space without any other living creature near me and that I was to live the rest of my life in such agony. I can't say that I am in a place of total recovery from it. All I know is that it is impossible to find that person that will rescue me from my pain. It will never happen.

Ainsley what is underneath this is a boat load of grief. I don't know your history but I come from a very dysfunctional and abusive family and I always wanted to be rescued from the pain of my past. As long as I sought out (and even still sort of seek out) a rescuer I could avoid this chasm of grief. Well, now it's like I am on the edge of the chasm and it's in front of me and it is so big that it engulfs my entire view. Yet I won't take that step into it. It feels like the end of me.

I know this is not the most positive response. I apologize for that but I very much so relate to what you wrote.

I am sorry you face such pain, sorrow and loneliness as I do. I think it is matter of finding people in the world who you can truly trust not to hurt you. I am working on that now and it is very very hard for me.

(((((((Ainsley)))))))

Hi Ainsley,
Welcome to the forums, I don't think we've had a chance to meet yet. The schedule is crazy so I just want to say that I have felt all the things you are feeling, and there is a way through, though I won't lie, it's very hard work and entails a lot of pain. If you don't mind, I'm going to link to a couple of topics on my blog, I think you might find helpful about this:

Therapy isn't enough

How do I fill the void?

I'm sorry, I know the pain and confusion can feel very overwhelming.

AG

((FA))
I feel everything you are talking about, it really does make sense. It is natural and personally I have gone through the same emotions. It is a confusing process and I know how much it can hurt your heart as you realize the needs that were never met. From what I'm hearing (even though it is so painful to come to grips with) you are really making great progress though. Just in seeing that you eventually have to meet your needs outside therapy shows so much progress in healing.

There is so much I want to say, I'll try to condense it into something that hopefully makes any sense at all. I've learned so much from Attachment Girl's blog on the reasons why therapy is structured the way it is. (the links she mentioned are must reads!! she explains this all SO beautifully and so much better than I will fumble through attempting, so I apologize ahead of time) I'll also try to add just what I've recently experienced instead of being redundant about what the links include, but they really do sum it up!!

One reality of our T's is that we see this polished, attentive person in the frame of therapy, and our mind can SO easily idealize that they are like this 24/7. It is so natural for us to crave full access to this. Countless times when I've thought of my T as an all knowing, perfectly attuned person who could make my every hurt subside if I could just get more access to him. If I could just be in his life more, have all his love and approval and attention, I would finally feel the void within me filled. I have wrestled with this thought so often. I've expressed it and grieved it and tried to deny feeling it and tried to run away from it. From nearly all angles I've approached the same gut feeling.

In reality though, both our T's are also human. They have all sorts of needs and flaws and selfish moments and irritating habits. They are just as messy and raw as the rest of us behind the therapy frame we see. They have quirks that in 'real life' may annoy the hell out of us My T once kindly reminded me of this by saying that if he really defined what he's like at home it would be 'grumpy, needy, lazy and boring.' It initially shocked me to hear that come from someone I'd spent time envisioning being so perfect and needless. Someone I'd been jealous about as I just assumed what I saw carried into all areas of his life. That's when it kind of hit me as to the purpose the limited relationship served.

And it hit me that there were actual people in my life, that I have access to, with more in common with me than I realized. They cannot make everything magically better, but then again neither can my T. He has been stressing lately that I will never heal if I try to do all things alone, completely independent of support from others or willingness to let them in my life. And I will also never heal if I rely solely on any other person to take my pain away. It lies in between- acknowledging we have to learn to love ourselves as foreign as it may feel, while at the same time allowing others to love us and comfort us.

Personally I have found that my deep longing for him to be my sole comforter flares up most when processing some deeply disturbing memory or truth from my childhood, and as I navigate through that particular grief, the intensity of my loneliness and neediness for his comfort subsides a bit. I've also found it helpful to sort of view these intense feelings as something I can harness to drive me forward. I keep telling myself "if it really hurts today, it must mean I really need to seek out new ways to care for myself." and I sort of ride that wave of pain into new territory, reaching out to people around me more. Doing something soothing, doing something distracting until it feels more manageable.


(And Turtle, I am so deeply sorry for the experience you endured with your T and the grief it caused. This is difficult work enough without someone treating you so carelessly. You deserve so much better than that and I hope you can continue to find those around you who will prove to be trustworthy and treat you with the respect you deserve. I have always struggled with the desire for a rescuer so I feel your pain there. You aren't alone. Keep hanging in there)



AH

Wow. My heart is catching up to all of your kind words and really allowing them to sink in. First, I must say that I appreciate the responses turtle, AG, and AH. Phew. You all hit on some very deep emotional issues that I am working through in this moment with my T. I am so glad I posted what I did because I was able to understand that I am not alone in this grief I am experiencing. After reading your responses and the wonderful blog posts by AG, I can understand this picture with much more clarity. I felt like I had reached the end of my rope as I looked across at my therapist yesterday and realized that although she gives me so much, it will never truly be enough. But, I think I have a little more hope as I sit here having shared my feelings with you and reflecting on the responses. I have hope that the work is not over, I don't have to give up, but I am just getting started on learning to find me. The focus shifts from "therapist meet my needs" to "okay, Ainsley, it's your turn. How are you going to do this?" It's time to show up for myself. I think I had been avoiding that for so long. I thought "I can't do it," "I am not strong enough," "How am I ever going to love me?" But I realized in all of this that I HAVE to show up for me because although T can and has shown up time and time again, she can only meet me so far.

((Turtle))I am glad something I wrote can help you in your own work. I am so very sorry to hear what happened with your therapist. I was in tears as I read what you have endured, the pain your experienced when your T chose this path. There is something to be gleaned from what your T told you about how you showed up, how it was you that did the work. I think that struck me the most. I realized that in the past 2 years of therapy, I have talked about how amazing and wonderful my T is, all that she does, what she gives, but I didn't think about ME until the moment I read those words in your post. I didn't think about all of the hard work I have done, all of the time I spent trying to figure out the most complicated puzzle I will ever put together. I did the work. In the most struggling moments of my life, the depth of the pain I felt, the hell I witnessed, it was all me. That was a huge revelation. Thanks for writing this because it helped me to understand myself. Turtle, I agree with what you said about finding people in the world you can trust to not hurt you. I am working on that. This forum has allowed me to make some connection with the outside world and I think that's a huge step for me, too. I used to fear opening up to anyone. I thought what I had to say didn't matter and that I would be humiliated. I'm glad I took the risk because if I didn't, I wouldn't have had the chance to communicate with you lovely people in such a raw, healing way. Thank you from my heart to yours.

Hi AG. It's really nice to meet you and I so greatly appreciate your blog posts. I am actually heading over to your blog after I write this because you have such an eloquent way of expressing yourself, and explaining this therapeutic process. It truly helps to make it make sense. Sometimes these feelings of love overwhelm me because I question how can I love this woman more than many of the others in my real life(this was hard when I realized that I loved T more than my actual parents). I also got so caught up in questioning whether or not that the care between us was something that truly existed. It became hard to see as my thoughts were clouded with thoughts of how she only must care because I pay her. I know it's more than that. I now know, too, after reading what you wrote that it's okay to express this to my T. I have to express it and feel it in order to heal my heart. Therapy isn't enough. I guess this whole thing places the power back into my hands when I was basically shrugging it off towards T. You've given me so much to think about. Thank you again.

((AH)) Thanks for saying that I am making great progress. I am trying. I am holding strong, although it's some of the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. I sometimes feel this unbearable pain in my heart and I feel like howling out in agony. I want my T to help me make it all go away. I guess I just realized after all the writhing and squirming that she can't really help to release me from this place I am in. She can provide me with the support, but it's up to me to make that breakthrough. I cannot believe I am here in this moment. I cannot believe that I can see this with such clarity. For so long it was my achy clingy heart (sounds like a country music song) trying to get ALL needs met by T and there was NO way that I was going to have it any other way. I didn't want to pick it up. I wanted nothing to do with it. But yesterday, I somehow sat there across from her and my heart was in my hands. I reached out to her and said "take it, please." She looked at me with her gentle eyes and I realized that she couldn't, even if she wanted to, she couldn't take it. I HAD to take my heart back and place it in my own chest in order to stay alive. She's in my heart. I love her so deeply. But she cannot hold my heart while I hide away from the rest of the world.

I realize that I see T in this idealized version. I think she'd be the perfect mom, the perfect friend. But, I know that we all have our flaws. I think I needed a healthy does of reality in order to see this.

I also need to learn how to love myself. I experienced trauma throughout my life from all of those around me and was not truly safe until early this year when I went no contact with my family of origin. They made me believe that I wasn't worthy of love. Self care seems so unusual for me to do. I hope to learn from others on what helps them when they feel like they can't go on..

I'm grateful to have found this forum. I think I keep saying that over and over again, but it's the truth.

Hi Monte,

What you wrote was so beautiful. I was especially touched by you saying that you don't have to grieve because it isn't enough, and that it is sufficient in allowing you to enter into the world when you are ready. That was powerful, and really allowed me to explore a different perspective than where I was this morning when I wrote the beginning of this thread.

I am reflecting on all of what was written here in regards to the therapeutic relationship. I think for so long I have yearned for it to be more. I was trying to get needs met outside of the therapy office by T, instead of by others. I was holding onto T so firmly because I thought she'd not be there when I'd return, or that I needed her or I wouldn't be able to survive on my own. I realized these were bad messages from my own mother who tried to keep me by telling me this. It's played out in my therapy by me holding on firmly and thinking that I am unable to be "good enough." I need someone or something to make me feel good enough. Slowly I am awakening to the fact that I don't. I am able to feel good on my own. I realize what T has given me is the ability to feel love, to recognize it and to know what it looks like when I am looking for it in the future.

Thank you for writing me here. I really felt comforted by what you wrote; taking God's hand as an adult.