I have posted recently about my T who is out ill for some unknown period of time. I am very attached to her and have been struggling deeply with attachment issues which have really been inflamed by her unexpected absence.

One aspect of her absence that is such a double-edge sword for me is that I am *seeing* my T virtually everyday. As she is ill, she is spending a lot of time on Skype and I see when she signs in all the time (she never took me off her account when we had a skype session sometime ago). So part of me feels really good that I know that she's around and that she's okay enough to be online and that I have some connection to her. Another part of me feels so much pain and longing seeing that she's there, really has another life, and is unavailable. It's hard for me to figure out what to do with this.... I'd hate to block her, because then I'd never see her. But each time I see her, its like a wound that keeps getting re-opened. It feels very confusing and painful for me.
So I am not sure of what to do... I have been following my crisis plan, but it seems like I am spending inordinate amounts of time on the computer (thinking that maybe my T will show up). It feels unhealthy to me. Sometimes I am able to decide not to sign into Skype, but other times I'm really drawn to seeing if she is around.

So I have been checking in with my T's colleague. She has ended up being a wonderful support. I realized that I could open up to her after she'd shared that she'd spoken with my T and understands from my T that I have been seriously triggered by my T's illness and how that could potentially manifest into si urges. It has been extremely helpful to me to be able to be totally open with her. I didn't know that I could trust her intially, so its been a real godsend.

Although I am *seeing* my T nearly everyday, I actually send her an e-mail once a week. I send her healing wishes and tell her that I have been taking care of myself and 'keeping well', 'being well' or 'staying well'. I realize that all of those states for me simply imply that I am practicing self-care and following my crisis plan. I am 'feeling' horribly distressed, but I am 'keeping well'. I am beginning to feel hypocritical in that all of these states of being have little to do with how I am feeling. I fear that my T will return to her practice, thinking that I've been doing well, and I am a total mess.

So I'm not really sure of what to do as I am really struggling with constructively releasing the pain and grief that I'm feeling around her absence. I wrote her a letter (that I plan to share upon her return), that described how I have felt around her absence. I realize now that simply writing the letter totally overwhelmed me... I can't even imagine how I would ever be able to share it with her and keep myself contained. I don't know how I will be able to return to therapy and work through this.